Struggling with dating in NYC in your 20s and 30s? You’re not alone, and therapy can help.

N ew York City is full of glitz and glamor, which makes it seem like a great place for singles to put themselves out there and find someone to spend their life with. However, if you’ve lived in the Big Apple for a while, you’ll know that dating in NYC is full of challenges no matter where you are, or whether you’re interested in in-person dates or online dating.

As a licensed NYC psychotherapist, I often work with young adults on navigating dating, relationships, boundaries, communication, and much more. During my sessions, I often notice common themes emerge that many of my clients share. While dating is difficult anywhere in your 20s and 30s, I recognize from my own personal experience that dating in New York City presents its own unique set of challenges.

How Therapy Can Help With Dating Trouble

In my experience, people typically initially enter therapy for trauma, anxiety, depression, etc. These mental health concerns that many experience, and many incorrectly believe are the only “valid” reasons to engage in therapy. However, therapy isn’t restricted to just one issue – many different therapeutic approaches can be tailored to resolve many different situations, and dating in NYC is one of them.  

Approaching a therapist about dating and relationships might at first feel a bit silly. I find that far too many of the people I work with hold these struggles back, as they feel they are not “worthy” or “important” enough to take up space in a therapy session. On the contrary, they usually find through our work that it can be an incredibly uplifting experience to realize that you don’t have to struggle alone through the trials and tribulations of dating.

Dating deserves space in the therapy room, just as much as any other aspect of our life. We are all humans who innately strive for connection with others. It is normal to want relationships in our life. Your thoughts and feelings surrounding these relationship milestones, goals, or difficulties, are valid and deserve to be discussed and explored if that is something that is important to you.

Common Challenges That Therapy Can Help You Resolve

When you’re in your 20s and 30s, dating can feel like a rollercoaster you didn’t sign up for. The highs are highs, but the lows are lows — and can leave you feeling like you’re going to be alone all your life. Trying not to let it get you down can feel exhausting, but always remember that you’re not the only one struggling with loneliness, and there is support out there. 

Through my work with adults struggling with dating in NYC I have noticed some common themes that my clients have shared. How many of these resonate with you?

1. Feeling Like Your Emotions Are Invalid

Everyone has worries, anxieties, fears, and complaints. However, when yours are related to dating, it might feel like they aren’t valid or worth taking up space in a therapy session. 

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I feel so silly for even complaining about this”? Well, you’re not the only one — it’s just that nobody ever talks about it. You probably find when talking to people around you about your feelings towards dating you often feel dismissed. Being told things like “you’ll find someone” “you just have to put yourself out there” “are you even trying?”

It isn’t always as easy and others may want it to be for you, and it can feel invalidating to get these responses, so we simply stop speaking up about it. If you talk to a therapist about dating, you’ll find that it’s an incredibly common sentiment between clients, and you are not alone in these very valid feelings. 

2. Getting Left Behind

3. Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is difficult enough to deal with on a “normal” day, but dating with social anxiety is a whole new ballgame. While you might be okay with meeting new groups of friends, this doesn’t always translate over to new dating prospects. For example, when meeting new friends you might ask yourself, “Do I like this person?” but when you’re going on a date, you realize you’re just trying to impress a potential partner and are more concerned with “will they like me?”

Often, this results in you working hard to make them like you and neglecting your own needs, desires, and feelings in the process. Sometimes you realize later that you didn’t even like them that much, but at the time, you were too busy trying to get them to like you to notice. Stepping out of this mindset can be extremely difficult, and speaking with a therapist to work through this can be a huge help.

4. Assessing Your Motives and Needs

If you’ve been dating for a while, you probably have a list of dating deal-breakers. It’s good to know what you’re looking for in a partner, but sometimes you might grapple with a seed of doubt. There’s nothing wrong with being single, even though you may at times feel insecure as the only single person in your friend group. Don’t jump into a relationship and settle for someone just because you’re both available. Take a step back and assess your motives for dating. As you begin a dating relationship, be sure to take your time and check in with yourself. Here are some questions to reflect on:

• • • • What do you get out of this relationship?

      • Do you like how you feel when you are around this person?

      • Do you like who they are, their unique qualities?

5. Setting Boundaries With Loved Ones

Are you constantly hounded by your friends and family members about your love life? Many older family members especially often pester their younger family members about dating, getting married, and whether or not they’re going to have children soon. This is commonplace but can feel extremely invasive.

You may have just started feeling good about your life and being single when your grandpa asks why it’s been so long since you’ve been on a date. Even when this comes from a well-meaning place, for example, your family member stating how they can’t believe you don’t have a partner yet with how “great of a catch you are.” However, it really serves to remind you that you are single, and that others are commenting on it as if it is a negative. Suddenly, you feel insecure all over again. 

Setting boundaries with your family and other loved ones — even well-meaning friends whose jokes land too close to home — is important for your emotional and mental wellbeing. They may be offended at first but should respect you if they really love you. If they don’t respect your boundaries, there’s nothing wrong with putting some space between you until they can respect you better. 

Setting boundaries is important for your emotional and mental wellbeing.

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6. Celebrating Non-Typical “Wins”

7. Staying Grounded Amidst Pressure

It’s not surprising that you may feel a lot of pressure to have a picture-perfect romance in your 20s and 30s, especially when so many of the love stories you see portrayed in the media happen during those years. It’s difficult to stay grounded in a world with so much pressure, especially in a city like New York. It may be easy to start looking for a relationship because it feels like the “correct” next step in your life, but don’t be afraid to take a hard look at whether or not you actually want to date. What you want for yourself is way more important than what society or other people in your life think you should do.

What if I’m not ready to start therapy yet?

Even when you fully commit to start therapy, finding the right therapist can be an intimidating task. However, support is all around you — you can ask for referrals from your inner circle or turn to the internet and look for websites or reviews for nearby therapists.

Additionally, there are many helpful resources and articles on related topics if it doesn’t feel like the right time for therapy just yet. Here are a few articles that you may find useful in your journey:

• • • 5 ways to build lasting self-esteem

    • Maintaining Confidence Throughout the Dating Process

    • Healthy Relationship Boundaries You Should Set From The First Date 

    • Top Ways to Meet Someone Offline

The Bottom Line

If you take anything away from this article, remember it’s human to want connection and intimacy in your life. You’re not alone, and your feelings around relationships and dating are completely valid.

Did any of this article resonate with you? If you’re interested in learning how therapy can improve your outlook and your dating life, I encourage you to book a complimentary phone consultation with me today. You can also get to know me by visiting my profile before we connect. I’d love to get to know you and help you make lasting improvements to your dating life.

Your Turn: How have you experienced dating in New York city in your 20s and 30s? What’s helped you along the way? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Imposter syndrome can take many forms. You’re not sure how to start a project, so you put it off. You’re afraid that an email doesn’t convey your competence, so you edit just to delete it later. You compare yourself to others because you need to be the best, so you beat yourself down and dim your inner light. When you ruminate on your mistakes, you also forget every achievement up until this point.

Does this sound familiar? Are you a self-proclaimed workaholic or perfectionist? Have you always been an overachiever? Do you feel at any moment you may be “found out” by your colleagues or team as a fraud?

Imposter syndrome is a nagging doubt in our abilities, talents and achievements despite external proof of our qualifications and success. Imposter syndrome can rob us of our joy, confidence and hold us back in life. The phenomenon can affect anyone, regardless of their success.

Besides to the expectations you have for yourself, those starting a new job or career may have very real pressure to perform. Even executives of well-known companies experience imposter syndrome, like the rest of us.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Phenomenon, refers to high-achieving individuals who are unable to internalize their success. In pop culture, it’s coined “Imposter Syndrome,” yet it is not in fact a syndrome or mental illness. Psychologists recognize that those who feel like imposters experience feelings of inadequacy.  They are also quick to attribute success to luck, rather than their own skill or effort. The phenomenon describes a form of intellectual self doubt coupled with an irrational fear of being found out.

To call it “imposter syndrome” in fact downplays the universality of these experiences. An estimated 70% of people will report experiencing at least one impostorism episode (Clance, 1970). Individuals who identify as LGBTQ+, people of color, and first-generation college grads are disproportionately affected by imposter syndrome.

Below are four signs that you may be experiencing imposter syndrome and what you can do to combat it.

4 Signs of Imposter Syndrome and How to Cope

1. You feel frozen to start a task unless you can do it perfectly
2. Fear of failing is weighing heavily on you
3. You’re afraid of being exposed as a fraud
4. You’re constantly comparing yourself to your colleagues

1. You feel frozen to start a task unless you can do it perfectly.

Refusing to take part in a task unless it’s perfect or not completing a task at all are ways to avoid feeling inadequate. Perfectionism and procrastination are paralyzing, they freeze us from taking necessary action.

Perfectionism and procrastination are paralyzing, they freeze us from taking necessary action.

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We’re afraid that we don’t deserve the jobs that we worked hard to earn, so we might think “why even try at all?” It’s more comfortable to credit our success to luck than hard work or our innate abilities.

How to cope: Remember that starting is always the most challenging part. Oftentimes, we’ve already catastrophized the failure or negative outcome in our minds. This prevents us from even wanting to start. To combat this, take the smallest first step possible. Whether that’s writing one sentence or organizing the next step. Tell yourself that this is the drafting phase, your first edit. You can always revisit and make improvements, in other words, the task doesn’t have to be in its final form out the gate. Once we get started the momentum is usually enough to help us keep going forward.

2. Fear of failing is weighing heavily on you.

Everyone has to start somewhere, including your colleagues. Sure, they may be ‘experts’ in their field, or have years more experience than you. But they all had a first day on the job where they were the newbie too. Do you always expect perfect performance from your colleagues? Of course not, after all, we’re human. So why do you demand perfection from yourself?

How to cope: It’s just not realistic to expect yourself to perform every task perfectly in a new job role. There’s going to be a learning curve, so give yourself room to grow and make mistakes. Embrace being new. Afterall, this is a period dedicated to growth where mistakes are learning opportunities. A week, a month, six months, and a year from now, you’ll be able to look back and do the things that you weren’t able to do before.

3. You’re afraid of being exposed as a fraud.

Fear of being exposed as fraudulent can create paralyzing anxiety. This fear stems from low self-confidence and parallels the ongoing need to be the best. What’s the evidence that you’re a fraud? After all you were hired because at least one person in a higher position felt you were qualified for the role. So much so that they offered you instead of someone else the opportunity.

Make a point to pay attention to what you’re doing well.

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How to cope: Make a point to pay attention to what you’re doing well. Keep a folder in your inbox to file away thank you emails and positive feedback. Keep a pocket-sized notebook at your desk to write down positive things you’ve done well. Include even the small or seemingly insignificant things.

Schedule meetings with your mentor or supervisor and ask for constructive feedback. There’s always room for growth, and this is a positive thing. The next time you doubt yourself, you can objectively look back from a higher vantage point and see how far you’ve come.

4. When you’re experiencing imposter syndrome, you’re constantly comparing yourself to your colleagues.

Remember – you’re sitting at your well-deserved seat at the metaphorical table.

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You’re sitting at your well-deserved seat at the metaphorical table. You look around at your boss and coworkers and feel that everyone around you is so great at what they do that you pale in comparison. When we feel like we don’t measure up to our peers, this can invite nagging feelings of self-doubt and unjustified self-criticism.

How to cope: Identify unique qualities you contribute instead of hyperfocusing on your deficiencies. This can be tough for some people because we’re so used to tearing ourselves down. If this exercise is difficult for you, imagine that you’re having a conversation with a trusted person in your life. Think about what they would name as your redeeming traits. You can also ask your coworkers how you’ve helped them recently. Whether on a particular task or team project, this will allow you to get real-word feedback.

The most surefire way to combat imposter syndrome

When we doubt ourselves behind the closed doors of our office, we believe that we’re alone in thinking that way, because no one else is voicing their doubts. The most surefire way to combat imposter syndrome is to talk about it. In doing so you bring your fears into the world and in doing so this takes away some of their power.

By being vulnerable, you open yourself up to receiving authentic support.

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By sharing them with a trusted confidant you also create space for a reality check. This opens an opportunity for others to relate to your experience and share how they coped. By being vulnerable, you open yourself up to receiving authentic support.

For many, opening up about a fear of failure with those in our lives may not feel like a good option for different reasons. In this case, connecting with a therapist may be the route to go. Speaking with an unbiased individual in a judgement-free zone in and of itself is immensely therapeutic. A therapist has the experience to help individuals successfully work through the negative feelings related to imposter syndrome. For example, individuals learn necessary tools to challenge negative self-talk and self-defeating behaviors. In a supportive environment, therapists also help individuals free themselves from anxiety, self-doubt and judgement. Individuals experience newfound confidence and are able to finally celebrate their achievements and successes.

Your Turn: What ways have you found to combat imposter syndrome? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.