As a place we can, at least in theory, talk about anything, it seems natural that sex would come up in therapy at some point. Even the most well-meaning therapists may inadvertently shy away from sex-related conversations, though, and some may even have negative attitudes toward sex. With how complex and sensitive the topic of sex and sexuality can be, how do you go about finding a therapist who will be sex-positive?

What Is Sex Positivity?

Sex educator Allena Gabosch describes sex positivity as “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation.” Unlike the feelings of shame and stigma many of us are taught to internalize about sex, sex positivity emphasizes pleasure, that sex can be a perfectly healthy thing to want and participate in, and that it can be beneficial to talk about these things openly.  

Although they are independent of sexual activity, gender and sexual orientation are often included in sex positive conversations as they can influence the kinds of sex we like to have. Thus, sex-positive spaces are typically affirming of all genders and sexual orientations.

What Is a Sex-Positive Therapist?

Although there is no universal definition of sex positivity, we might describe a sex-positive therapist as a mental health professional who is knowledgeable about sex and sexuality, and views them as natural parts of being human that can be openly discussed without shame or judgment. 

In my work, having the space to discuss personal topics like fantasies, turn ons and turn offs, interests, or intense vulnerable feelings is often a new experience for clients. For some, the option to speak so openly and honestly is a freeing experience. For others, it may feel overwhelming or uncomfortable. Both experiences (and everything in between!) are valid, and the goal is to meet you where you are and go at your pace – just knowing the space is there to share if you want it can be helpful.

How Can working with a sex-positive therapist Help?

Better Understand Your Sexuality

Sex-positive therapy can provide space for you to explore your sexuality – your relationship to and ideas about sex, gender, and sexual orientation. Sometimes this can also include an educational component about topics such as kinks, fetishes, fantasies, safer sex options, consent, and pleasure. 

How to Find a Sex-Positive Therapist in nyc

Here are a few ideas for finding a therapist who will be sex-positive:

Ask for Recommendations

If you have friends, relatives, coworkers, or neighbors who have seen therapists they enjoyed working with, they may be able to recommend someone to you. This can be a great way to find a therapist you can trust.

Check Out Online Directories

Specialized directories, such as National Coalition of Sexual Freedom, Manhattan Alternative, and Inclusive Therapists, provide a way to find therapists who are knowledgeable about a variety of sex-related concerns. Many of these directories allow you to filter your search based on what is important to you. Searching by criteria such as geographic location, knowledge of a specific topic, or gender of the therapist, can help you find a sex-positive therapist in NYC.

Do Your Research on Sex-Positive Therapists

Before making an appointment with a therapist, it can be useful to do some research and get a sense of whether they may be a good fit. A professional website, articles or blogs they’ve written, or a social media presence can begin to give you an idea of the person’s values and how they think about topics important to you. 

How Do You Know If You’ve Found a Therapist Who is Sex-Positive?

When meeting a therapist for the first time, it can often feel like you’re in the hot seat being asked so many questions. This is also an opportunity for you to decide whether you even want to continue working with that person, though. Asking questions can help you better understand how the therapist thinks about sexuality, sexuality, and other topics. When seeking a sex-positive therapist, potential questions to ask may include:

Sex-positive therapy can provide space for you to explore your sexuality – your relationship to and ideas about sex, gender, and sexual orientation.

“Are you sex-positive?”

Definitely the most direct and straightforward way to go if you’re trying to find a sex-positive therapist in NYC. How a potential therapist discusses sex and sex-positivity can give you a good sense of whether or not they are a good fit for you.

“How do you feel about the sexual empowerment of people who aren’t cisgender, straight, thin, able-bodied white guys?”

The sexual fulfillment of marginalized groups has long been deprioritized in the US. People who aren’t cisgender men often face additional and unique challenges around sex and sexuality. Many still believe women shouldn’t want or enjoy sex, have more than one partner in a lifetime, or do certain things during sex. Transgender and gender nonconforming people are having their right to exist debated in many parts of the US, meaning discussion of their sexual empowerment and fulfillment is typically swept aside. Fat folks and people with disabilities are, more often than not, forgotten in conversations about sex, pleasure, and empowerment.

A sex-positive therapist will ideally recognize your right to freely enjoy sex without shame or judgment as fundamental.

“How comfortable are you talking about sex during session?”

Not all therapists will feel comfortable discussing sex in a session, and their discomfort can get in the way of your therapy. You’ll want to be sure the person you’re speaking to is both knowledgeable and comfortable enough to work with you. The therapist’s response to your specific concerns will give you insight into whether they will be able to support you.

“Do you have experience working with LGBTQ+ clients?”

While not a guarantee, previous experience working with LGBTQ+ clients or providing LGBTQIA+ affirming care can be an indication that someone is sex-positive. Openness to working with people outside of heterosexual and cisgender norms often means being open to discussing other aspects of sexuality as well. If you hold any of these identities, it can be especially important to ask a potential therapist about their experience to ensure they are competent to work with you.

“Do you agree with using “sex addiction” as a diagnosis?”

The idea of “sex addiction” is, contrary to popular belief, quite controversial. As someone who works from a place of sex-positivity, I find it quite stigmatizing and shaming. If you’re unhappy with the quantity or quantity of your sexual experiences, I find it’s more useful to explore what you’re unhappy with, the kinds of experiences you’d like to have, and how I can support you in having a more pleasurable, fulfilling sexual experience.

Take the First Step to Sex Positivity

You deserve a judgement-free and safe sex-positive space.

Your Turn: Are you looking for a sex-positive therapist in NYC? Have you ever worked with a sex-positive therapist? How did it compare to your previous experiences in therapy? Share in the comments below.

How can Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy help gay men?

What if shame, judgment, and self-doubt no longer prevented us from living our lives out and proud? What if the constant chatter in our head wasn’t an obstacle but held essential information for transforming our lives? What if our unwanted behaviors, even those we might regret tomorrow morning, came from a place of good intentions? What if we stopped pathologizing ourselves and discovered there was absolutely nothing wrong with us? In my experience, Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) has helped my gay male clients accept these truths and dramatically transform their lives.

What is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy is a transformational approach to therapy and understanding who we are. At its core, IFS is “parts work,” recognizing that our personality, beliefs, and values are the sum of many different parts within ourselves.

For clients new to IFS, thinking about our thoughts and behavior as different parts of ourselves can feel strange or sound a bit foreign. However, the idea that we are one unified entity is equally strange when we put our minds to it. A single emotion or thought rarely reflects how we actually feel. For example, John might complain to his partner, “I hate it when you don’t take the garbage out.” A part of John probably is quite angry about the garbage and may feel underappreciated at home. However, a second part of John may remember being shamed as a child for failing to do his chores. This part may feel sympathy towards the partner, and may have prevented the angry part from raising the issue in the first place. A third part of John may be consumed with meeting a deadline at work and frustrated with the garbage discussion, which it sees as a distraction. This part of John may resist spending time reconnecting with his partner and feel compelled to focus on the demands of his job first.

Understanding the differing perspectives and internal conflict within ourselves reveals each situation’s inner nuance and richness. As we gain clarity about the situation, we are able to step back and choose how to proceed with more self-acceptance, wisdom, and a new perspective. Throughout this initial process of learning about our various parts, we discover the truth that all of our parts have good intentions, even the parts that have engaged in unwanted or harmful behavior. Once we discover that all our parts have good intentions, we begin to release shame and self-doubt, increase our self-compassion, and experience a greater sense of harmony and balance. This approach is helpful for many individuals, and in my own work, I’ve experienced how it can be beneficial for my gay male clients.

There are three goals in IFS:

• First, we begin by getting to know our various parts, their concerns, and their motivations for doing what they do. 
• Second, as the connection and understanding deepen, we can directly heal parts holding pain and trauma and offer them the support they need. 
• Third, as our parts are healed and become less polarized, we increase the amount of our available self-energy – the qualities within us that include compassion, clarity, confidence, curiosity, connection, and harmony.

How can IFS help gay men?

It’s no secret that from a young age, most boys are socialized to suppress their emotions. In fact, I remember being told as a young child to wash my face every time I cried. The message from adults was that tears were dirty and that sadness was unacceptable. As a result, men often have a hard time understanding and articulating their feelings, depriving them of helpful insight into what matters in their lives and the driving force behind much of their unconscious behavior.

Therefore, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that in a society where men are told that sadness isn’t acceptable, some men fear being flooded or overwhelmed by powerful emotions. In IFS, it’s possible to ask our parts to communicate with us in a way that does not flood us with emotion. Often these parts overwhelm us with emotion because they do not see any other way to get our attention. When these parts no longer feel rejected or suppressed, they will begin to communicate in less overwhelming ways that are more conducive to understanding.

Gay men often have parts of themselves that are polarized. For example, my clients may have a part that:

• Wants to be in a relationship and another part that believes they are unworthy of being loved.
• No longer desires sex with their partner, and another part that deeply loves their partner and is agonized by their lack of desire.
• Enjoys and sees benefits in using drugs and alcohol, and another part that feels tremendous shame in using.
• Enjoys working out and sculpting their body, and another part that is exhausted by the effort to look a certain way.

IFS can help gay men heal trauma and painful emotions

In IFS, you can heal and unburden the parts of yourself that are holding pain and trauma by getting to the root cause of the unwanted behavior. Once we heal your underlying pain and suffering, parts that initially felt compelled to avoid or distract from the pain are free to choose different, more harmonious roles in our lives. For example, you may notice that a part that feels compelled to play the role of people-pleaser may become more at ease and take greater pleasure in your relationships.

Alternatively, some gay men struggle with internalized homophobia and living in a heterosexist culture, and parts of them may be struggling with shame and self-doubt. IFS allows these parts to release negative beliefs or narratives that may have been absorbed within the system. For example, deconstructing stereotypes or messages that gay men are promiscuous, straight relationships are preferable, or femininity is a sign of weakness.

The bottom line

As you strengthen the connection with your various parts and better understand how to support your parts, you’ll begin to experience greater balance and harmony both within yourself internally and in your life. As funny as it may sound, all of our parts will increasingly defer to us as the natural leader, and we will act from a place of compassion rather than reacting as a result of avoiding pain or discomfort.

Seeking out Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy with a trained therapist can help you heal past wounds while living more confidently and with greater purpose. If this resonates with you and you’d like to explore the benefits of IFS, I encourage you to get in touch for a complimentary consultation with me to learn more.

Your Turn: Are you ready to heal your past wounds? Share what has helped you begin to experience greater balance and harmony both within yourself internally and in your life.

In normal years, teachers often take on and hold the stress and emotions of their students. Some teachers think of themselves as second parents to these children, spending hours each day of the week with them. Believe it or not, most teachers don’t stop at caring about their students’ academic achievements. They are oftentimes the first line of support for students experiencing any social emotional struggles or concerns.

Working in a school based mental health center for years, I witnessed first-hand that it was often, if not always, the teachers who noticed when something was “off” with a student, and came to the wellness center to address this and try to get their student the support that they needed. This is no easy task, putting the emotional wellbeing of each of your students on your plate, in addition to your actual job description of giving them a quality education. I have heard of many teachers who spend their nights worried about students who shared their not so great home situation, or the student who told them about their eating disorder. We don’t often look at teachers as this first line of support to our children and adolescents, but it’s time that we start.

We don’t often look at teachers as the first line of support to our children and adolescents, but it’s time that we start.

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This year, it’s no secret that the presence of stress and negative emotions students will be bringing in will be elevated. Many students are dealing with the burden of grief and loss for the very first time. They’ve been exposed to trauma in many forms caused by the media and recent social-political movements, as well as lingering effects of isolation. When teachers care for their students, they may begin to experience vicarious trauma – indirect trauma that stems from engagement in others traumatic stories and experiences.

Aside from the feelings of their students, teachers are likely coming in with some of their own concerns as well. Whether it was the loss of a loved one, financial struggles, or the stress and self-doubt of having to adjust to this brand new virtual/hybrid learning, this year will likely not be an easy one for our educators.

Signs that it is time to seek help

The biggest indicator for a teacher that it might be time to seek support is burnout. Burn out refers to a state of exhaustion – on psychological, emotional, and physical levels. We begin to experience this when we feel continuously overwhelmed and stressed by life and work.

We become especially susceptible to burnout when we take our work home with us.

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We become especially susceptible to burnout when we take our work home with us. If we’re finding that we are spending hours each night thinking about our students; how can we be better virtual educators, how is that one student that we’re worried about holding up – it begins to consume our lives.

There are signs that can give us clues that we may benefit from an additional form of support.

You can notice if you’re in danger of experiencing burnout if you’re feeling a few of the physical or psychological symptoms listed below:

Physical Symptoms of Burnout

• Feeling tired more easily
• High blood pressure
• Headaches
• Stomach aches or  other gastrointestinal symptoms
• Increased susceptibility to illness
• Loss of appetite

The benefits of therapy for teachers

Teachers, like most people, would benefit from therapy as a place to debrief, learn coping skills, and process everything they take in daily. We often hear teachers describe the shocking lack of support they receive just to do their jobs on a basic level. What’s worse is that even schools that are equipped with mental health centers for the students often don’t serve the teacher population the same way.

Think about the care you give to each and every one of your students, and afford yourself that same compassion.

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When you’re on an airplane and they tell you to always put on your mask before helping others, this is for a reason. If our mask isn’t on first, we may be unable and inept to help anyone else. This is a metaphor that can be used for our mental health and self-care as well. If we aren’t taking care of ourselves, how can we possibly be there and take care of others. As a teacher, you are responsible for so many on a daily basis. It is especially important to put your mask on first! You will be the best teacher you can be if you take care of yourself first. Think about the care you give to each and every one of your students, and afford yourself that same compassion.

Therapy has many benefits for people of all ages and careers. For our teachers out there, therapy can help you:

• Learn how to effectively set boundaries with colleagues, students, and parents without feeling guilty
• Learn effective communication skills to advocate for yourself in your career and life
• Explore and determine the safety measures that feel right for you
• Receive support for all feelings that come up during your day to day living
• Process the many experiences that come your way each work day
• Better manage stress and anxiety so that you feel more in control inside and outside of the classroom
• Learn how to leave the stresses of the work day at work, instead of “bringing them home” with you

Teachers are under an enormous amount of pressure, even during the best of times. Due to the stress of being back at school during an ongoing pandemic, teachers may feel like they’re being thrown into the deep end without a life preserver.

Now more than ever it’s vital for teachers to reach out and receive care and support. These are just a few of the many benefits you can take from seeking support with a therapist. If you are, or know, a teacher who may be struggling this school year please encourage them to reach out for support.

Your Turn: How do you combat signs of burnout? What do these signs look like for you? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.