As a place we can, at least in theory, talk about anything, it seems natural that sex would come up in therapy at some point. Even the most well-meaning therapists may inadvertently shy away from sex-related conversations, though, and some may even have negative attitudes toward sex. With how complex and sensitive the topic of sex and sexuality can be, how do you go about finding a therapist who will be sex-positive?

What Is Sex Positivity?

Sex educator Allena Gabosch describes sex positivity as “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation.” Unlike the feelings of shame and stigma many of us are taught to internalize about sex, sex positivity emphasizes pleasure, that sex can be a perfectly healthy thing to want and participate in, and that it can be beneficial to talk about these things openly.  

Although they are independent of sexual activity, gender and sexual orientation are often included in sex positive conversations as they can influence the kinds of sex we like to have. Thus, sex-positive spaces are typically affirming of all genders and sexual orientations.

What Is a Sex-Positive Therapist?

Although there is no universal definition of sex positivity, we might describe a sex-positive therapist as a mental health professional who is knowledgeable about sex and sexuality, and views them as natural parts of being human that can be openly discussed without shame or judgment. 

In my work, having the space to discuss personal topics like fantasies, turn ons and turn offs, interests, or intense vulnerable feelings is often a new experience for clients. For some, the option to speak so openly and honestly is a freeing experience. For others, it may feel overwhelming or uncomfortable. Both experiences (and everything in between!) are valid, and the goal is to meet you where you are and go at your pace – just knowing the space is there to share if you want it can be helpful.

How Can working with a sex-positive therapist Help?

Better Understand Your Sexuality

Sex-positive therapy can provide space for you to explore your sexuality – your relationship to and ideas about sex, gender, and sexual orientation. Sometimes this can also include an educational component about topics such as kinks, fetishes, fantasies, safer sex options, consent, and pleasure. 

How to Find a Sex-Positive Therapist in nyc

Here are a few ideas for finding a therapist who will be sex-positive:

Ask for Recommendations

If you have friends, relatives, coworkers, or neighbors who have seen therapists they enjoyed working with, they may be able to recommend someone to you. This can be a great way to find a therapist you can trust.

Check Out Online Directories

Specialized directories, such as National Coalition of Sexual Freedom, Manhattan Alternative, and Inclusive Therapists, provide a way to find therapists who are knowledgeable about a variety of sex-related concerns. Many of these directories allow you to filter your search based on what is important to you. Searching by criteria such as geographic location, knowledge of a specific topic, or gender of the therapist, can help you find a sex-positive therapist in NYC.

Do Your Research on Sex-Positive Therapists

Before making an appointment with a therapist, it can be useful to do some research and get a sense of whether they may be a good fit. A professional website, articles or blogs they’ve written, or a social media presence can begin to give you an idea of the person’s values and how they think about topics important to you. 

How Do You Know If You’ve Found a Therapist Who is Sex-Positive?

When meeting a therapist for the first time, it can often feel like you’re in the hot seat being asked so many questions. This is also an opportunity for you to decide whether you even want to continue working with that person, though. Asking questions can help you better understand how the therapist thinks about sexuality, sexuality, and other topics. When seeking a sex-positive therapist, potential questions to ask may include:

Sex-positive therapy can provide space for you to explore your sexuality – your relationship to and ideas about sex, gender, and sexual orientation.

“Are you sex-positive?”

Definitely the most direct and straightforward way to go if you’re trying to find a sex-positive therapist in NYC. How a potential therapist discusses sex and sex-positivity can give you a good sense of whether or not they are a good fit for you.

“How do you feel about the sexual empowerment of people who aren’t cisgender, straight, thin, able-bodied white guys?”

The sexual fulfillment of marginalized groups has long been deprioritized in the US. People who aren’t cisgender men often face additional and unique challenges around sex and sexuality. Many still believe women shouldn’t want or enjoy sex, have more than one partner in a lifetime, or do certain things during sex. Transgender and gender nonconforming people are having their right to exist debated in many parts of the US, meaning discussion of their sexual empowerment and fulfillment is typically swept aside. Fat folks and people with disabilities are, more often than not, forgotten in conversations about sex, pleasure, and empowerment.

A sex-positive therapist will ideally recognize your right to freely enjoy sex without shame or judgment as fundamental.

“How comfortable are you talking about sex during session?”

Not all therapists will feel comfortable discussing sex in a session, and their discomfort can get in the way of your therapy. You’ll want to be sure the person you’re speaking to is both knowledgeable and comfortable enough to work with you. The therapist’s response to your specific concerns will give you insight into whether they will be able to support you.

“Do you have experience working with LGBTQ+ clients?”

While not a guarantee, previous experience working with LGBTQ+ clients or providing LGBTQIA+ affirming care can be an indication that someone is sex-positive. Openness to working with people outside of heterosexual and cisgender norms often means being open to discussing other aspects of sexuality as well. If you hold any of these identities, it can be especially important to ask a potential therapist about their experience to ensure they are competent to work with you.

“Do you agree with using “sex addiction” as a diagnosis?”

The idea of “sex addiction” is, contrary to popular belief, quite controversial. As someone who works from a place of sex-positivity, I find it quite stigmatizing and shaming. If you’re unhappy with the quantity or quantity of your sexual experiences, I find it’s more useful to explore what you’re unhappy with, the kinds of experiences you’d like to have, and how I can support you in having a more pleasurable, fulfilling sexual experience.

Take the First Step to Sex Positivity

You deserve a judgement-free and safe sex-positive space.

Your Turn: Are you looking for a sex-positive therapist in NYC? Have you ever worked with a sex-positive therapist? How did it compare to your previous experiences in therapy? Share in the comments below.

Love: Everyone wants to experience it, and yet many of us are also scared of it, because in order to truly be open to love, we must also allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

What is vulnerability, and why does it terrify us? 

Vulnerability is a willingness to show your own humanity to others, despite the risk of criticism or judgement. Sometimes misunderstood as weakness, vulnerability is actually one of our greatest expressions of humanity as it allows us to deepen and strengthen our connections with other people.

As children, many of us are discouraged from showing vulnerability. We’re taught that to cry, emote, or talk about our feelings is to be fragile, ridiculous, or somehow “less than” the people around us. 

“Never let ’em see you sweat,” “boys don’t cry,” and “toughen up” are just a few of the worn-through idioms that might have been fed to us throughout our adolescence, until these archaic, clichéd mantras became invisible yet dominant narratives in our lives. As children, we learn quickly to stuff our feelings deep down where no one can see or reach them. But then, something peculiar happens.

When we put up walls to block others from seeing our emotions, we often lose the ability to access them ourselves. 

As children we may appear fearless, but as our world becomes more oppressive, we may ultimately grow up to become emotionally stifled adults who struggle to effectively cope with unwanted feelings. 

This leads to increasingly less effective and assertive communication skills in the workplace, as well as less openness and communication in friendships, and—you guessed it—unnecessarily dramatic or lackluster romantic relationships. 

Ironically, our very efforts to protect ourselves are what block us from the very thing we want most: love. When we put up walls to block others from seeing our emotions, we often lose the ability to access them ourselves. In essence, we cut ourselves off from our own humanity.

How to be vulernable

So how do we get out of our own way? We get vulnerable. When we learn how to effectively tap into our vulnerability, we see that it is not a weakness, but perhaps our greatest strength. Here are three tips on how to allow yourself to be more vulnerable and improve the quality of your relationships.

3 Tips for Practicing Vulnerability

Tip 1. Be explicit about your wants and needs
Tip 2. Be honest and forthcoming about your feelings
Tip 3. Be receptive to support

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Tip 1. Be explicit about your wants and needs

So many of us struggle with speaking up about exactly what we want out of our relationships. We don’t want to put ourselves into the vulnerable position of expressing an earnest desire for fear of receiving an unwanted answer. However, as the saying goes, “a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.” In other words, the only way to get what we need from other people is to make it known.

A few moments of vulnerability are never as uncomfortable as living with less than what you desire.

Do you desire more appreciation, a raise, or a title change to reflect your growth in the workplace? Why not advocate for yourself and set up a meeting with your boss and talk about your professional desires and everything you’re doing to reach them? 

Do you wish your partner would spend more quality time with you? Speak up and tell them what you need. When communicating with a loved one, use phrases such as “I need,” “I want,” “I hope for,” etc., so that expectations are out on the table. You may worry about your partner’s response, but remember: 

A few moments of vulnerability are never as uncomfortable as living with less than what you desire. Your emotions are there to guide you, and showing your emotions will bring you closer.  

When you get crystal clear on what you expect from others, you’re more likely to gain tangible results. Yes, sometimes people will let us down—that’s always a risk—but you’re more likely to get what you want by showing what you want. 

Best-case scenario, you express your needs and your expectations are met or even exceeded. Worst-case, you learn that the other person simply isn’t able to provide what you want, and you’ve freed yourself to look for someone else who can meet your needs. 

Tip 2. Be honest and forthcoming about your feelings

It may seem easy to have a successful relationship if you avoid all of the difficult “emotional” stuff, but the reality is that our vulnerability and authenticity is more likely to inspire others and draw people closer to you. This is because in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to know that the other person accepts you unconditionally. They can’t do that if you never give them the chance to truly know you. Letting your guard down may not be easy, but it’s critical to having a truly intimate relationship. 

You should feel comfortable talking about your fears and insecurities, just as when you talk about your hopes and desires. 

If you find yourself struggling to discuss tough subjects with your partner, try using this affirmation: “My relationship is a safe space where I am free to be my full self.” 

Tip 3. Be receptive to support

For many of us, the issue may not be finding someone who’s able to meet our needs but, rather, allowing that person to do so. 

When we accumulate emotional wounds from past disappointments and heartbreak, we often don’t know when, or how, to let it go. We hold on so tightly to our need for self-preservation that we can end up blocking new opportunities when they arrive. Part of being vulnerable is accepting that although you can stand on your own two feet, you can also choose to accept emotional support when it arrives and is being freely offered to you. 

When we learn how to effectively tap into our vulnerability, we see that it is not a weakness, but perhaps our greatest strength.

No matter how warm and understanding someone may be, it’s on you to choose whether you’ll cling to your wounds or dissolve your emotional barriers in order to let new people in. 

It’s okay to lean on others. As a matter of fact, doing so is a human need. It’s a sign of strength to know when to relinquish control and let someone else help and support us. Far from a sign of weakness, it’s a signal of maturity and your own humanity.

Vulnerability is vital to any healthy relationship.

The instinct to protect oneself from harm can sometimes take over areas of our lives where defense mechanisms are simply not needed, and relationships are a prime example. 

A relationship should never feel like you versus the other person; you should be a team, working together every step of the way. The sooner you relinquish your attachment to past wounds and fear, the sooner you surrender to the beauty of new possibilities and allow yourself to reap the rewards of vulnerability in the form of healthy, blossoming relationships. 

Your Turn: Letting down your guard is no easy task. How has being vulnerable changed your relationships with yourself and others for the better? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.