Non-monogamous relationships have undeniably become more visible recently. From television and movies beginning to feature non-monogamous characters, to social media accounts specifically speaking to different relationship structures, the conversation about options beyond monogamy has become increasingly common and normalized.

Despite growing awareness and acceptance of relationships outside of monogamy, we are still often confronted with skepticism, moral judgment, and the belief that only monogamous relationships are valid. Unfortunately, these ideas can and do show up among therapists as well.

There can be a world of difference between working with a therapist who merely tolerates or acknowledges the range of relationship structures, and one who is truly affirming, making it all the more essential to find someone who will be supportive of your choices.

Polyamory and Other Non-Monogamous Relationships

For the uninitiated, non-monogamy is an umbrella term that refers to having relationships with more than one person. These relationships may be anonymous, long-standing, physical, sexual, emotional, romantic, and more. Polyamory, referring to romantic or emotional relationships with more than one person, is just one example and can look many different ways depending on the people involved. 

Why Is Seeking a Therapist Affirming of Polyamory a Good Idea?

Although non-monogamous relationships can be immensely fulfilling, they can also come with unique challenges. Therapy is an opportunity to reflect on these challenges and your relationships, in addition to concerns unrelated to non-monogamy, in a safer space with someone dedicated to centering you and your experiences.

There can be a world of difference between working with a therapist who merely tolerates or acknowledges the range of relationship structures, and one who is truly affirming.

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Creating this space is in part contingent on working with someone who recognizes the value of various relationship styles and will not try to discourage or pathologize you for choosing something other than monogamy.

I’m Daniel Rich, a licensed sex-positive psychotherapist, and one of my specialties is working with non-monogamous individuals, whether they’ve only recently become curious about expanding their relationships or have years of experience. I believe the most valid relationship style and structure is the one that is fulfilling and supportive for you.

A therapist affirming of polyamory and non-monogamy can offer support in navigating:

Establishing Boundaries

Openly discussing the boundaries you and your partners want to set for your relationships can be an important ingredient for success, as is regularly revisiting these boundaries to ensure they are still working well for everyone involved. Those who are new to non-monogamy, are thinking of forming new partnerships, or are interested in changing their relationship dynamics may benefit from discussing these topics with a therapist. 

Understanding Jealousy

The most valid relationship style and structure is the one that is fulfilling and supportive for you.

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Improving Communication

There is a joke that instead of having more sex than monogamous people (as is the stereotype), polyamorous people have a lot more conversations – and it’s true! Conversations around plans, expectations, and boundaries play a role in all relationships, but become particularly important when multiple partners are involved. Most of us aren’t born knowing how to effectively communicate our needs, though, which is where therapy can help. Identifying what we want to say and how we can say it can go a long way in strengthening our relationships.

Exploring the Self

In addition to those with experience in non-monogamy, therapy can also benefit those who are curious about or new to stepping outside the limits of monogamy. It can be a place for exploring what interests you, any fears or hesitations, and what your ideal relationship situation would be. 

How To Choose the Right Polyamory-Affirming Therapist

After deciding you would like to start therapy, finding a therapist who is accessible and a good fit can be a daunting task. This is especially true when looking for a therapist who will be affirming of the relationships you’ve chosen. So, how to find the right therapist for you?

Online Searches and Directories

At Clarity Therapy, we offer a free and confidential therapist matching questionnaire that will connect you with therapists based on your needs and preferences. All our therapists offer free phone consultations so you have an opportunity to connect with them before committing to therapy.

A great first step in looking for a therapist can be using online directories that allow you to search by keyword or offer various search filters, such as Psychology Today, Manhattan Alternative, and Inclusive Therapists. Therapist profiles typically include information like their education, experience, and areas of focus. Experience with sex therapy, relationship counseling, or working with the LGBTQIA+ community is often a good sign that a therapist will be knowledgeable and affirming of non-monogamous relationships.

You can also do an online for “polyamory therapist,” “non-monogamy therapist,” etc. + your city or zip code.

Questions to Ask when Looking for a Polyamory-Affirming Therapist

Once you have a few potential therapists in mind, schedule a consultation with them to make sure you’re a good fit and ask any questions you might have. Potential questions to help determine if someone will be affirming of non-monogamy might include:

• How much do you know about non-monogamy or polyamory?

• What are your thoughts on non-monogamous relationships?

• What is your experience working with clients in non-monogamous relationships?

• Do you have any personal experience with non-monogamy? (not all therapists will be comfortable answering this question, which is ok! therapists have boundaries too)

Choose the One You Trust

Research has consistently shown that the most important factor in determining the outcome of therapy isn’t the therapeutic style, experience level, or background of the therapist, but rather the relationship between client and therapist. Choose the therapist that feels safe, trustworthy, and helps you feel understood.

If you’re in a polyamorous relationship or are exploring non-monogamy, our qualified team of therapists can help you navigate your relationship style. Whenever you’re ready to take the next step, reach out and share your preferences on our therapist matching questionnaire so that we can make personalized recommendations. We would love to hear from you.

Your Turn: What’s important to you in a therapist when considering your relationship style? What’s your experience been like in your search for a supportive  therapist? Sound off in the comments below.

Individuals in the LGBTQIA+ community share many common issues, sometimes unrelated to their sexuality and identity. Oftentimes, one might come to therapy with relationship issues, identity issues, self-esteem concerns, and more. Despite the reasons that might bring someone to therapy, it is important to know that the therapist will be supportive, compassionate, and accepting. The understanding behind LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy is that a therapist will provide a space that feels welcoming and comfortable.

What is LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy?

LGBTQIA + Affirmative Therapy is defined as the acknowledgment and acceptance of a person’s sexual orientation and identity, working toward developing a better sense of self, building authenticity, and strengthening one’s voice.

Affirmative Therapy adds an important layer that’s often missing from traditional forms of therapy. Affirmative Therapy was developed to address the unique emotional and mental health needs of members of the LGBTQIA+ community as well as provide acceptance and support.

Why do members of the LGBTQIA+ Community Seek Out Therapy?

The level of mental health issues in the LGBTQIA+ community is significantly higher compared to levels among cisgender peers. This is true at every stage of life, from childhood through the end of life.

LGBTQ individuals seek out therapy for a wide range of mental health issues seen in the general community such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and trouble with intimate relationships.

LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy is defined as the acknowledgment and acceptance of a person’s sexual orientation and identity, working toward developing a better sense of self, building authenticity, and strengthening one’s voice.

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However, being queer can often pose challenges to finding basic healthcare, let alone mental health services. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to find mental health therapists who are affirming or even just trained to work with members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

However, LGBTQ-Affirmative Therapists are also trained to handle the unique mental health challenges of sexual minorities that drive them to seek therapy. Some examples include:

• Struggles with gender identity
• Internalized messages about gender expression
• Combining religious beliefs with their identity and lifestyle
• Tense familial relationships
• Rejection and discrimination resulting from mainstream belief systems
• Hurtful core beliefs
• Complex trauma
• Limited contact with friends and community

What are the key parts of LGBTQ-Affirmative Therapy?

Through LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy, a person can potentially navigate their life in a more meaningful and constructive way. The following are key parts of affirmative practices:

Creating a Safe Space

Creating a safe space is arguably the most important first step to therapy. LGBTQIA+ individuals should not feel judged or unwelcomed in any place, especially not in therapy, where individuals often disclose sensitive and confidential information.

To create a safe space, it’s important to be aware of one’s needs and wants prior to starting therapy. For example, some clients might prefer a therapist of a specific gender, age range, or with political views aligned to their own.

Once in the therapy room, it might be important to discuss preferred pronouns, any special accommodations, and other conditions that could contribute to creating a safe space. What seems to be most important to many clients is the trust and an alliance that’s built into the work. Although it can take time to build trust and alliance, clients usually have a sense of it early on.

Fostering Trust

Harnessing a trusting environment is a key component to therapy. One must feel that they trust their therapist enough to disclose very personal and difficult issues. Some issues that LGBTQIA+ Affirmative therapists might help with include:

• Relationship issues
• Intimacy concerns
• Dating
• Coming out
• Gender and sexual identity
• Sexual orientation
• Confidence issues
• Internalization
• Contradictory beliefs
• Trauma

These issues can often lead to negative feelings, so it’s important that trust is built in therapy so that the focus can be on helping individuals deal with some of these concerns. A question you might ask yourself after seeing a therapist for a few sessions might be, “Do I feel comfortable with this person?” and “Do I get the sense that this person understands my issues?”

The therapeutic relationship can hopefully become an alliance where the individual feels that they are supported, connected, and celebrated.

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Having an Ally

After establishing a safe space and building trust, the therapeutic relationship can hopefully become an alliance where the individual feels that they are supported, connected, and celebrated. Having an ally is an important component to therapy in order to address many of the issues above.

By having an LGBTQ+-Affirming therapist, the therapy can be catered to the individual’s specific needs and issues. While individuals can work with any therapist, having a therapist who understands the issues that the LGBTQIA+ community faces can result in a more validating and rewarding experience.

How to find LGBTQIA+ affirmative mental health care

Research clearly shows that people identifying as LGBTQIA+ tend to experience higher rates of mental health issues at every stage of life. However, there is still a shortage of therapists who are trained to provide Affirmative Therapy. 

LGBTQ affirmative therapists create a safe space in which gender and identity are not pathologized. Instead, affirmative therapists validate and advocate for individuals with minority identities regarding sexuality, gender identity, gender expression, and more. 

If working with an LGBTQ-Affirmative Therapist is important to you, don’t compromise. There are several ways to make sure someone has LGBTQIA+ Therapy experience. Some steps include:

• Looking for therapy practices that offer this specialty 
• Asking for referrals from well known organizations
• Reading a therapist’s bio to learn about their background and training
• Asking any therapist you meet with about minority groups they’ve worked with, their beliefs about the LGBTQIA+ community, and their overall approach

Seeking therapy to support personal growth takes bravery and courage. You have the right to be seen, heard, acknowledged, and celebrated for who you are. 

Clarity Therapy NYC provides LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy in NYC and throughout the state of New York. Contact us to find a therapist who would be a good fit for you and to set up a free consultation. 

All people struggle, to some degree, with feelings of inadequacy. When left unchecked, these feelings can develop into a toxic belief system that tells us we’re defective, inherently bad, or just not good enough. Oftentimes, these beliefs start in childhood.  This can be especially true for members of socially marginalized groups, such as women, people of color, ethnic minorities, and the LGBTQ community.  Years of hurtful messages, bullying, rejection, discrimination, and threats of harm result in higher rates of mental health challenges in LGBTQ kids, teens, and adults. This post will focus on the basic human rights that all members of the LGBTQ community deserve. These basic human rights are essential to protecting LGBTQ mental health. 

LGBTQ Mental Health Risk Factors

It’s time to remember your infinite worth as a human being.

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Many members of the LGBTQ community grow up in households in which they’re ridiculed, rejected, or even abused for some aspect of their appearance, personality, or life choices.

Even for those with happy upbringings, feelings of low self-worth can bloom and run rampant as we grow older and are exposed to more negative experiences such as:

• Rejection
• Toxic relationships
• Damaging media narratives 
• Fewer educational, professional, and housing opportunities

When we accept toxic messaging as normal, we often wind up accepting unfair treatment, disrespect, and even threats to our emotional and physical wellbeing.  As a result, we’re at higher risk for ongoing mental health issues.

LGBTQ Mental Health Statistics

Members of the LGBTQ community experience mental health issues at a significantly higher rate than cisgender individuals. This is seen throughout the lifespan, from kids through the elderly.

Recent research shows us shocking statistics on the state of LGBTQ mental health:

• 40% of young LGBTQ people have considered suicide in the last year.  That number increases to over 50% for trans and nonbinary youths.
• 48% of LGBTQ youths reported engaging in self-harm in the past 12 months, including over 60% of transgender and nonbinary youths.
• 68% of LGBTQ youths reported symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder in the past two weeks, including more than 3 in 4 transgender and nonbinary youths.
• Older LGBTQ adults report significantly higher rates of anxiety and depression compared to their heterosexual peers.
• 53 percent of older LGBT people feel isolated.  They are more often estranged from family and have fewer friends. They are also are twice as likely as their heterosexual peers to live alone.
• 46% of LGBTQ youths reported that they wanted mental health treatment.  However, they couldn’t get services within the last 12 months. Two main reasons include lack of health insurance and unsupportive family members.
• The majority of healthcare providers are not properly trained to properly help and support the diverse needs of LGBTQ patients.  Repeated negative experiences with doctors and discrimination by health care settings can lead to avoidance of medical care — including mental health care.

The Need for LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy

These statistics further highlight the need for more funding for appropriate mental health programs and resources as well as LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy to protect people at every age. In LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy, there is an acknowledgment and acceptance of a person’s sexual orientation and identity.

The therapist provides a safe and welcoming space in which LGBTQ individuals can:

• Develop a better sense of self.
• Build authenticity.
• Learn to advocate for themselves.

LGBTQ Rights:  The On-Going Fight

As a society, we’ve taken great strides toward legal and institutional equality for members of the LGBTQIA community.  However, many people who identify as homosexual, bisexual, trans, or queer still live with an internalized sense of otherness or shame.

Even for those who are “out” and proud, it’s not uncommon for LGBTQ folk to feel pressure to conform, twist, or hide their identities, mannerisms, or partners in at least some social situations.  After years of having to hide and pretend in order to fit, mental health struggles can increase and take a toll on our health and quality of life. 

Many people navigate situations and circumstances every day that make them question themselves and their choice to live freely and authentically. These significant and harmful obstacles include a hostile work environment, judgmental familial atmosphere, discrimination in public and private organizations, and lack of consistent legal rights across states. 

If any of this sounds familiar: 

• You tend to bottle your feelings up in certain company.
• You make yourself small in social settings where you suspect your sexuality might be scrutinized.
• You feel unsafe being yourself.

It’s time to remember your infinite worth as a human being.

LGBTQ Mental Health Protective Factors

To build and benefit from protective factors, we need to counteract the negative messaging around us with explicitly supportive, nurturing, and affirming messaging.  This needs to start in childhood and continue throughout people’s lives. Otherwise, feelings of inadequacy may easily take over our minds and emotions.  Then, they begin to feel normal.  When this happens, positive mental health outcomes are even less likely. 

To combat the normalization of low self-worth, we must remind ourselves of our Bill of Rights. Simply put, the LGBTQ Bill of Rights is a personalized list of affirmations curated to assert your birth-given right to certain truths.

Below, find the LGBTQ Bill of Rights to help you remember your worth and assert yourself with healthy boundaries.

The LGBTQ Bill of Rights

As a member of the LGBTQ community, I’m allowed to:

love who I love

exist outside of socially accepted standards of gender identification

exist outside of socially accepted standards of sexual orientation

challenge laws, authorities, and institutions that threaten my right to be myself

be unapologetic in my choices

feel safe and at ease in any environment

excuse myself from any environment or situation that makes me feel unsafe, threatened, or disrespected

keep my sexual preferences as public or private as I like

love and live loudly and without apology

be exploring who I am

be sure about who I am

explore the spectrum of sexuality and self-expression

dress in whatever clothing feels comfortable and pleasing to me

enjoy the benefits of monogamy, marriage, and long-term partnership like anyone else

expect acknowledgment and respect from my family

expect acknowledgment and respect from my partner’s family

end relationships that have not evolved to embrace my authentic self

mend relationships that are important to me

be a parent and raise healthy, well-rounded children

choose my preferred gender pronouns

be more than my sexual or gender identification

Protect Your Right to Live Your Life On Your Terms

It’s my sincerest hope that you’ll keep this expression of an LGBTQ Bill of Rights close to your heart. Feel free to add to it whichever truths move your spirit.

Remember, while we must respect our own rights, we also must respect the rights of others to be their authentic selves.  As long as we’re not harming another individual, we each have the right to think, speak, and do in a way that genuinely reflects our purest nature.