Non-monogamous relationships have undeniably become more visible recently. From television and movies beginning to feature non-monogamous characters, to social media accounts specifically speaking to different relationship structures, the conversation about options beyond monogamy has become increasingly common and normalized.

Despite growing awareness and acceptance of relationships outside of monogamy, we are still often confronted with skepticism, moral judgment, and the belief that only monogamous relationships are valid. Unfortunately, these ideas can and do show up among therapists as well.

There can be a world of difference between working with a therapist who merely tolerates or acknowledges the range of relationship structures, and one who is truly affirming, making it all the more essential to find someone who will be supportive of your choices.

Polyamory and Other Non-Monogamous Relationships

For the uninitiated, non-monogamy is an umbrella term that refers to having relationships with more than one person. These relationships may be anonymous, long-standing, physical, sexual, emotional, romantic, and more. Polyamory, referring to romantic or emotional relationships with more than one person, is just one example and can look many different ways depending on the people involved. 

Why Is Seeking a Therapist Affirming of Polyamory a Good Idea?

Although non-monogamous relationships can be immensely fulfilling, they can also come with unique challenges. Therapy is an opportunity to reflect on these challenges and your relationships, in addition to concerns unrelated to non-monogamy, in a safer space with someone dedicated to centering you and your experiences.

There can be a world of difference between working with a therapist who merely tolerates or acknowledges the range of relationship structures, and one who is truly affirming.

CLICK TO TWEET

Creating this space is in part contingent on working with someone who recognizes the value of various relationship styles and will not try to discourage or pathologize you for choosing something other than monogamy.

I’m Daniel Rich, a licensed sex-positive psychotherapist, and one of my specialties is working with non-monogamous individuals, whether they’ve only recently become curious about expanding their relationships or have years of experience. I believe the most valid relationship style and structure is the one that is fulfilling and supportive for you.

A therapist affirming of polyamory and non-monogamy can offer support in navigating:

Establishing Boundaries

Openly discussing the boundaries you and your partners want to set for your relationships can be an important ingredient for success, as is regularly revisiting these boundaries to ensure they are still working well for everyone involved. Those who are new to non-monogamy, are thinking of forming new partnerships, or are interested in changing their relationship dynamics may benefit from discussing these topics with a therapist. 

Understanding Jealousy

The most valid relationship style and structure is the one that is fulfilling and supportive for you.

 Click to tweet

Improving Communication

There is a joke that instead of having more sex than monogamous people (as is the stereotype), polyamorous people have a lot more conversations – and it’s true! Conversations around plans, expectations, and boundaries play a role in all relationships, but become particularly important when multiple partners are involved. Most of us aren’t born knowing how to effectively communicate our needs, though, which is where therapy can help. Identifying what we want to say and how we can say it can go a long way in strengthening our relationships.

Exploring the Self

In addition to those with experience in non-monogamy, therapy can also benefit those who are curious about or new to stepping outside the limits of monogamy. It can be a place for exploring what interests you, any fears or hesitations, and what your ideal relationship situation would be. 

How To Choose the Right Polyamory-Affirming Therapist

After deciding you would like to start therapy, finding a therapist who is accessible and a good fit can be a daunting task. This is especially true when looking for a therapist who will be affirming of the relationships you’ve chosen. So, how to find the right therapist for you?

Online Searches and Directories

At Clarity Therapy, we offer a free and confidential therapist matching questionnaire that will connect you with therapists based on your needs and preferences. All our therapists offer free phone consultations so you have an opportunity to connect with them before committing to therapy.

A great first step in looking for a therapist can be using online directories that allow you to search by keyword or offer various search filters, such as Psychology Today, Manhattan Alternative, and Inclusive Therapists. Therapist profiles typically include information like their education, experience, and areas of focus. Experience with sex therapy, relationship counseling, or working with the LGBTQIA+ community is often a good sign that a therapist will be knowledgeable and affirming of non-monogamous relationships.

You can also do an online for “polyamory therapist,” “non-monogamy therapist,” etc. + your city or zip code.

Questions to Ask when Looking for a Polyamory-Affirming Therapist

Once you have a few potential therapists in mind, schedule a consultation with them to make sure you’re a good fit and ask any questions you might have. Potential questions to help determine if someone will be affirming of non-monogamy might include:

• How much do you know about non-monogamy or polyamory?

• What are your thoughts on non-monogamous relationships?

• What is your experience working with clients in non-monogamous relationships?

• Do you have any personal experience with non-monogamy? (not all therapists will be comfortable answering this question, which is ok! therapists have boundaries too)

Choose the One You Trust

Research has consistently shown that the most important factor in determining the outcome of therapy isn’t the therapeutic style, experience level, or background of the therapist, but rather the relationship between client and therapist. Choose the therapist that feels safe, trustworthy, and helps you feel understood.

If you’re in a polyamorous relationship or are exploring non-monogamy, our qualified team of therapists can help you navigate your relationship style. Whenever you’re ready to take the next step, reach out and share your preferences on our therapist matching questionnaire so that we can make personalized recommendations. We would love to hear from you.

Your Turn: What’s important to you in a therapist when considering your relationship style? What’s your experience been like in your search for a supportive  therapist? Sound off in the comments below.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship may leave you feeling depleted, less than, and losing trust in yourself and questioning your own lived experience. Despite your best attempts to please or smooth over the situation, you may find it impossible to prevent your partner’s angry outbursts or sour moods. 

It’s not uncommon for some people to initially confuse the drama-filled intensity of a new relationship for feelings of intimacy. Once this pattern has been established, this defining characteristic of the relationship may feel like a new normal. However, it’s anything but.

The tricky thing for many people is that not all relationships start out toxic. Oftentimes, new partners put their best foot forward in a new relationship. Over time, as the relationship grows more familiar, unhealthy behaviors and communication patterns begin to emerge. This is why it’s often difficult for partners caught in a cycle of abuse to leave, the relationship wasn’t always “all bad,” there were happy times too.

Signs you’re in a toxic relationship

Here are a few signs of toxic relationships. If you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship ask yourself if you experience any of the following:

• Feeling drained or depleted more often than not due to the negative exchanges in the relationship
• Feeling like the relationship is strictly a one-way street
• Preoccupied with pleasing your partner
• Walking on eggshells not to “rock the boat” or make your partner angry or upset
• Denying yourself your own needs or desires at the expense of your partners
• Lack of trust in your partner
• Feeling judged or rejected by your partner
• Persistent unreliability or follow through on promises or daily responsibilities
• Insufficient support
• Controlling behaviors (who you see, what you wear, what you spend your money or time on)
• Jealousy and insecurity masked as “caring”
• Resentment
• Lying and dishonesty
• Patterns of disrespect
• Lack of support / withholding support
• Codependency
• Avoidance (shutting down or giving one the silent treatment instead of addressing issues maturely)
• Physical, verbal or financial abuse
• Humiliation (belittling you in front of others)

Here are examples of behaviors that people in toxic relationships may confuse for romance, but are actually unhealthy:

• “They love me so much and want to spend every minute with me…that’s why I’m not able to go out with friends/engage in a favorite activity/go certain places alone/have my own….”
• “They buy me clothes they insist on me wearing that I don’t really like, but it’s easier for me to just wear it than to have an argument about it”
• “I love you so much and do so much for you, what do you mean you won’t…. (do xyz behavior or allow them to do xyz behavior that’s hurtful, disrespectful, or tramples your boundaries).
• “Trust me, I’m doing this for your own good…”
• “This isn’t a healthy/good/right action or decision for me, but I’m doing it because they need me.”

Why am i ATTRACTED TO toxic relationships?

Oftentimes people romanticize toxic relationships out of fears of abandonment and attachment issues. This is related to childhood experiences, personal trauma, family of origins dynamics, and patterns of relationships from our past (often our parents).

Movies and TV series also often misrepresent romantic relationships. As a psychotherapist, it’s uncomfortable watching these played out. Young people see dysfunctional behavior on the silver screen and are led to believe that everything is justified, since the couple “passionately” loves each other. After all, we’re taught from a young age that “love conquers all” or “love is all you need.”  It’s no wonder that mutual trust, respect, healthy communication and dependability aren’t a part of the plot. These things aren’t sexy, nor do they sell tantalizing storylines. As a licensed marriage and family therapist with a decade of experience helping couples, I can tell you with confidence that these are the cornerstones to any healthy relationship. These intense, drama-filled interactions aren’t conducive to long-lasting relationships and are better left for hollywood.

Intense, drama-filled interactions aren’t conducive to long-lasting relationships and are better left for hollywood.

 Click to tweet

We also desperately want to be loved by “the one,” our partner, or future ideal partner we’ve daydreamed about in our head. However, people might recreate their parental relationships with their partners, wanting to fix old trauma in their new romantic relationships. But that does not usually work. All couples relationships involve projection. We project our unconscious issues onto the other person and vice versa.

For instance, a partner may have been raised in an abusive home, where their father is physically and verbally abusive to his partner and his children. Based on their past family dynamics, this partner may not tolerate physical abuse, but might accept manipulation or verbal abuse from their love interest instead.  A partner may be raised thinking they are not lovable as a child (believing that their parents do not love them), therefore, they may put up with abuse in order to pursue love, or may continue to question what true love looks like.

How to heal from a toxic relationship

When each partner feels respected and appreciated by the other for who they are, there is little to no room for toxicity. Each partner should have their own life and respect the other’s individuality, including any differences between them. Partners ought to recognize each other as individuals before they can move forward in partnership.

When issues arise, couples must be able to discuss them in a curious and compassionate way. It is important to take a non-judgemental approach when navigating any kind of relationship. Effective and respectful communication is the key. Communication style ultimately determines whether someone can feel safe in a relationship and be honest about their beliefs. If your communication patterns consist of corrosive communication, where one or both parties are belittling and degrading one another, this may be indicative of other issues within the relationship that aren’t being addressed.

Couples therapy can be very helpful for couples who experience certain elements of their relationship that are toxic. However, keep in mind that for some, the healthiest thing to do may mean letting go of the relationship if it is not able to be fixed. If staying in a relationship means doing so at the expense of your mental health, confidence, and self-esteem then the relationship may be beyond saving.

The bottom line is if the relationship does not feel right, is toxic and abusive, start to look for help. After experiencing a toxic relationship, many people find it helpful to take some time off from dating and focus on healing emotional wounds with the help of a therapist or other supportive outlets in your life.

Your Turn: How do you define a toxic relationship? What helped you identify the relationship wasn’t right for you? Share what helped you to heal from a toxic relationship in the comments below.

Oftentimes, couples avoid talking about the two subjects that are crucial to their wellbeing: money and sex.  It may come as a surprise to you that as a couples therapist, I actually hear more about instances around financial infidelity than affairs in the traditional sense. While the term financial infidelity may be relatively new, the concept itself is a notoriously common issue in relationships.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity happens when one or both partners aren’t honest about their financial situation or actively hide their financial issues. This may look like making financial decisions in secrecy or not being fully transparent about how much one is spending. For some couples this can also look like hiding income, not being forthcoming about debts and large financial obligations or keeping another bank account that’s unknown to their partner.

For some, spending money without their partner’s knowledge feels like freedom and one’s right. There are some partners who don’t see anything wrong with this behavior, and it doesn’t affect the couple negatively. Often however, this comes from a place of partners wanting to avoid arguments about spending. This is especially true in the case of someone who is compulsively shopping, gambling, or otherwise spending money in a way that feels out of control.

How to Recover from financial infidelity

These behavior patterns can be upsetting to face, so what are some steps that you can take if this sounds like you or your partner? First of all, recognize that it’s quite common that someone who is more frugal attracts someone who is a spender, and vice versa. It’s human nature to  seek out what initially feels novel and fills the voids we see in ourselves.

6 practical ways you can address financial infidelity in your relationship:

1. Acknowledge what’s been compromised
2. Be honest and come clean
3. Understand your value system
4. Examine your relationship
5. Listen without judgement
6. Strive for transparency

1. Acknowledge what’s been compromised

The partner who felt cheated is going to be upset, angry, and disappointed. Just like with an instance of true infidelity, partners may experience feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, and may even want to leave the relationship. Afterall, trust and safety were compromised. 

The unspoken message, “Are you here for me?” fails to be answered positively. The reasons why we wanted to be in the relationship in the first place are broken. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and that the relationship is now different from what you once knew.

2. Be honest and come clean

For some, this might be the first time that partners examine how much they want to be together, and ultimately if they want to stay together after the betrayal, similar to an affair. First, the partners have to honestly assess their financial situation and what needs to change. Both parties have to come clean. If you’re going to recover, it’s important to understand why the financial infidelity happened in the first place.

What was the motive for the behavior, and is the secretive partner willing to work on it? Was it a gambling issue that the partner is in denial about? If the offending partner displays a willingness to address the issue there’s a greater chance for successful resolution.

3. Understand your own value system around finances

What is your relationship to money and how was this influenced by your upbringing? What were the messages that you absorbed growing up about spending and how finances should be handled in relationships? Couples need to gain a clear understanding of their own values system and beliefs about finances. There is a very important psychological aspect as to why and how we spend money, and our relationship with money.

4. Examine your relationship

A critical underlying question is: what is “wrong” with the relationship itself, and what is missing in the relationship? Perhaps we are substituting the love that we need from the partner with purchases. Sometimes, the good feeling we get from spending may be one way to meet our needs that aren’t getting met in our relationship. One of my clients shared that she would spend money in secrecy after her fights with her husband. When upset, she wanted to get back at him by purchasing an expensive item. For a brief moment, she felt validated and “happy” because she  made the purchase. Through therapy she learned that by doing this she was in fact attempting to “punish” her husband. Although the shopping helped to temporarily validate her anger, it wasn’t a solution that she could feel good about long-term.

5. Listen without judgement

As difficult as it may be, allow room for open and vulnerable conversations. Be curious and listen to what your partner might need. Listen but do your best to refrain from responding with judgement. This will just cause your partner to become defensive about their behavior.

Talk about it and let your partner know why you think and feel the way you do, and how their behavior affects you. Couples I work with who have healthy and long-lasting relationships are the ones who can have open and vulnerable conversations where they feel heard, respected, and supported by each other.

6. Strive for transparency

Both partners have to commit to being fully transparent which includes being involved in budgeting and working towards a recovery plan. Open communication is the key to resolving many conflicts overall and financial issues are no different. It’s important to lay out a plan that is realistic for you as a couple and proportionate to the financial infidelity that occurred.

The bottom line

It is possible to recover from financial infidelity when both partners are willing to work together to find a solution that supports healing. What feels right for each couple will look different, and it’s important to remember that the road towards healing isn’t always a linear journey. You don’t have to struggle alone. Receiving support from a trusted therapist can help you understand if and how you can move forward after experiencing financial infidelity in your relationship.

Your Turn: Have you ever experienced or been the perpetrator of financial infidelity? How did you decide to work through it with your partner? What helped you cope? 

We’ve talked self-care, self-love, self-awareness—simply put, we might be a little self-obsessed.

I joke, I joke. In all seriousness, I spend so much time and effort detailing concepts related to the individual self because I firmly believe that the majority of our most pressing problems and concerns, setbacks and perceived shortcomings, stem from the understanding of self we’ve cultivated, or not cultivated, over the course of our lifetime. Simply put, almost any problem can be resolved with a reframing of the self.

Our relationships with others are a direct reflection of the relationships we have with ourselves.

Still, we don’t live in a vacuum; it’s not all about us as individuals. We all have relationships in our lives that seriously impact our state of mind and quality of life. We have mothers and fathers, friends and coworkers, romantic partners and exes (some of whom we would rather forget). And many of my client sessions resolve around finding ways to improve existing connections and to make peace with the past.

Basically, life is about relationships just as much as it’s about the self, and I think it’s time we dive into how to effectively manage healthy relationships with others.

Communication typically falls into one of two categories: corrosive or compassionate.

Let’s Get REAL About “Relationship Goals.”

A relationship is a bond or a link between two individual selves. That means that in order to have a thriving and healthy relationship with another human being, we must have a thriving and healthy relationship with ourselves. So, what makes any relationship strong? Communication. If you’re one of my longtime readers, you’re already a pro at self-awareness. You know yourself, inside-out! When it comes to building successful relationships, it’s about being able to communicate oneself effectively to the other party.

From this place of self-knowing, it’s then time to let your partner know who you are and what you need, and that comes down to communication habits.

What Is Corrosive Communication?

Corrosive communication is founded in attacking or damaging language. At its worst, corrosive communication can be a form of verbal or emotional abuse in which one partner lashes out at the other with venom and vitriol. With corrosive communication, the end result is rarely mutual benefit and understanding. The main goal is to posit each exchange as a battle of wills, a competition to be won or lost. In reality, no one wins with corrosive communication.

Corrosive communication is about wounding others because we are wounded. Compassionate communication is about vulnerability and coming together.

What Is Compassionate Communication?

On the flip side, we have compassionate communication. To communicate compassionately means to speak with love and understanding. Even when disagreements or conflicts arise, the goal is never to “win” or come out on top, but to resolve the problem for the mutual benefit of both people. A person who communicates compassionately has high levels of emotional intelligence and empathy. Because they have awareness of their own strengths, weaknesses, and needs as an individual, they are sensitive to the strengths, weaknesses, and needs of their partner and operate with those in mind.

It Takes Two to Tango

Corrosive communication is damaging because it is extremely selfish and aggressive in nature, and selfishness won’t take any relationship to a healthy place. A relationship is a connection between two people, and as such, the needs of both parties must be acknowledged with respect and met with openness. Those who communicate corrosively live their lives going, “me, me, me!”

To have compassion is to operate from a place of pure love.

It is important—in fact, it’s critical—to maintain a strong sense of self and personal prioritization even within a relationship, but this is not a free-pass to make it all about yourself. Remember that your partner has equal right to be seen, heard, respected, and uplifted, and your relationship will go far.

What to Do

Now that we have an understanding of healthy communication, it’s time to learn some practical ways to implement! Below, find 5 helpful tips on how to compassionately communicate with your partner:

5 Tips on How to Communicate With Compassion

1. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
2. Maintain Open Body Language
3. Ask Questions
4. Use Affirming Language
5. Volunteer Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Emotions

1. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond.

Effective communication starts with listening. If you and your partner are having a disagreement, hear them out. Do not interrupt or cut them off to get your own point across. Be patient and suspend your judgement while they speak. When someone shares their feelings, they share a form of intimacy; they are being vulnerable enough to let you know how they really feel. Honor that vulnerability by being respectful enough to listen with an open heart and mind. Before you respond, make an honest effort to digest what they’ve expressed, even if you disagree. Trying to see things from the other person’s perspective goes a long way to effective and loving communication.

2. Maintain Open Body Language.

Communication is physical just as much as verbal. When your partner is sharing his or her thoughts and feelings, maintain an open body language. Make an active effort to relax your muscles and the tension in your body. Uncross your arms, unclench your jaw, and turn your body to face your partner. This body positioning indicates openness and invites your partner to speak freely without anxiety or apprehension of rejection or criticism.

3. Ask Questions

Communication is a two-person job; it’s an exchange of thoughts, feelings, and emotions between two people. This means it is important to be an active participant in the conversation. If your partner expresses something you don’t understand, ask questions. Not only does this increase your understanding, but it helps your partner to feel heard and supported through your demonstration of genuine interest and concern. Be present and invested in your conversations and they will be fruitful.

4. Use Affirming Language

As often as possible, use affirming language to build your partner up. Even if the two of you are in disagreement about something, choose words that reaffirm your partner’s right to have their own opinion and feel heard. “I hear what you’re saying,” “I didn’t know you felt that way,” “I can imagine how that must make you feel,” “How do you think we can come to a mutual understanding on this?” Phrases like these show your investment in a resolution that works for both you and your partner and make for a more productive conversation.

5. Volunteer Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Emotions.

Talking to someone who won’t open up is worse than talking to a brick wall. It’s frustrating and inconsiderate to the person who is making an effort to be an active participant in the relationship. Make sure that you are not closed off to your partner or expecting them to read your mind. Offer up your thoughts, feelings, and emotions so that communication can be effective.

If you don’t feel quite ready to open up, or you need some time to digest your feelings before speaking, communicate that need to your partner. A simple, “I want to resolve this, but I just need some time to think it over” goes a long way in keeping the lines of communication open. Stoicism does no one any good, so push past the initial discomfort of vulnerability to reach an understanding based in love.

As a therapist, I often get an up-close look at how current events shape the everyday fabric of people’s lives. When the holidays close in, I talk clients through the joys and heartaches such seasons can bring. When politicians are elected, bills are passed, or the economy takes a tumble, conversations can turn to more forward-thinking questions. And over the past few months, as the world has shifted and brought most of us indoors, I’ve seen how couples have coped.

It’s no secret that the monotony of cohabitation during quarantine caused some couples to reevaluate their relationships. Like many around the world, the great pause button was hit on the daily routine as we knew it. 

I’m in the unique position to work with many couples who experienced similar issues, but experienced different outcomes. I soon noticed an interesting trend with the couples I’ve worked with over the past few months.

My couples were, for the most part, like any other couple: one or both partners working high-stress essential jobs, while also taking care of children who were indefinitely home from school in their tiny Manhattan apartments. All the while they continued to experience pressure to perform at work, to fulfill their role as a partner, and for some, the added full-time pressure to be an ultra-productive parent. 

While many of the issues were the same, a unique pattern began emerging amongst the couples who were able to work through their issues and come out successfully on the other side.

Relationships Under the Magnifying Glass

Couples had to navigate uncharted territory where there was no physical escape from home. It was no longer an option to grab drinks with friends, hit up the gym, or even stay late at work. There was no retreat even outside; even parks and public spaces were often off limits. 

Many couples were, perhaps, for the first time confronted through the magnifying glass of quarantine, to the shortcomings and imperfections of their partner. Some couples had the time – without the distractions of the outside world – to finally see how their communication issues and misunderstandings were impacting their relationship. 

Some couples bonded against the unknown, and their fears brought them closer together.

 Click to tweet

Some of my couples bonded against the unknown, and their fears brought them closer together. For others, being in close quarters brought another question, “are we really meant to be together?”

Their partnership was challenged, and values were exposed.  A lack of intimacy was exaggerated by not feeling attractive, and the humdrum of home duties and chores were a weight upon both partner’s shoulders. 

The Couples Who Got Stronger

The couples that I worked with who were successful took essential steps to better their relationships. They didn’t try to take the easy way out by blaming each other.  They worked together on their communication by actively listening to each other, which meant asking helpful questions to make sure they actually heard their partner.  One way they did this was using detailed “I feel….when you…” statements. 

Couples also experienced new ways to be intimate with one another from sex (despite it feeling less spontaneous) or by rethinking what “date nights” should look like. Intimacy is important to healthy relationships because it’s closely connected with being vulnerable, and vulnerable relationships are the ones that last.  I noticed that these couples were also gentle and compassionate with each other. Especially if one is struggling or upset, a true effort was made to connect.

Vulnerable relationships are the ones that last.

 Click to tweet

Couples who were successful also made a conscious effort not to assume the worst about their partner, were less judgmental and more forgiving. By forgiving your partner you’re able to move on from past problems without harboring resentment, so it’s no surprise that forgiveness is key to resolving conflict. 

One way to do this is think about the outcome you want. Do you want to win the argument or heal your relationship and feel close again? This doesn’t mean dismissing what happened. Express your feelings, and then be committed to let it go. The focus needs to be on cooperation and empathy, not making the other person continue to pay for their wrongdoing. 

The Importance of Perspective

The lessons that couples learned together during the epidemic can be applied any time, not just during times of crisis. For example, approaching problems from a perspective of ‘us vs the problem’ vs ‘me vs you’ allows couples to gain a bit of emotional distance from their problems and act as a united front and examine issues with less defensiveness and reactivity. 

Express your feelings, and then be committed to let it go. Focus on cooperation and empathy, not making the other person continue to pay for their wrongdoing.

 Click to tweet

For those couples whose relationships didn’t fare as well, perhaps the intense pressure of quarantine simply hastened the collapse of something that was already on rocky footing. While easier in practice, this also helps couples turn inward and be more willing to hear their partners’ concerns.

Ultimately, where compassion reigned, understanding was cultivated, and feeling good enough emerged, growth in the bond of their relationship blossomed.

Your Turn: what did you learn about yourself or your relationship during quarantine? How has your relationship evolved? Share your experience in the comments below.