Living in a neurotypical world can be challenging for individuals with ADHD. The expectations, social implicit rules, and tasks often don’t align with the unique functioning of a neurodivergent brain. However, being neurodivergent doesn’t equal inferior. In this blog, we’ll explore the ADHD experience and discuss strategies, treatments, and therapies that can help individuals with ADHD navigate their difficulties and improve their quality of life.

Rewiring Perspectives: Empowering Neurodivergence in a Neurotypical World

Throughout my experience working with people that suffer from ADHD I often witness a very interesting evolution. The range of individual experiences can be vast. Individuals often share an initial intense frustration with symptoms and even ambivalence towards seeking help.

For many with ADHD, motivation can be a primary concern. There’s typically a disconnect between what people know they should do vs what they actually want to do. Does this sound familiar to you at all?

For many with ADHD, motivation can be a primary concern.

However, as we work together on changing how one approaches symptoms, you’ll be able to develop a more nuanced understanding of yourself. As a result, many people I work with share that they experience less frustration and a better appreciation of their contribution to the world. Additionally, they often report that they’re able to better manage difficulties that arise and speak less critically to themselves, simultaneously improving their self-esteem.

For the last 20 years, I have really enjoyed acting as a guide in this process for individuals who are struggling with managing ADHD. My wish is to help you find balance and harmony in your life, whatever that may look like.

What is it like being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world?

For a neurotypical individual, grasping the lived experience of someone with ADHD may be difficult. It’s important to recognize that everyone’s experience with ADHD is different, and my purpose here is to shed light on the pain points and complexities that individuals with ADHD may face in their daily lives.

The below illustrations aim to portray some of the unique challenges individuals with ADHD may encounter, including general experiences I’ve witnessed in my own clinical work:

The ADHD Experience: Understanding the Unique Challenges of ADHD in Various Life Areas

1. Sarah, a college student:
Sarah struggles with time perception. Despite setting multiple alarms and reminders, she consistently underestimates the time needed to complete assignments. She finds herself frequently rushing to finish projects at the last minute, affecting the quality of her work and causing heightened stress.

2. Alex, a professional in a fast-paced job:
Alex experiences difficulties with task switching and maintaining focus in a fast-paced work environment. Despite being highly knowledgeable and capable, their struggle to stay on track during meetings and prioritize tasks hinders their ability to perform at their full potential, leading to missed opportunities and feelings of frustration.

3. Maria, a parent with ADHD:
Maria faces challenges with organization and time management while juggling multiple responsibilities. She often forgets important dates, such as parent-teacher meetings and doctor’s appointments for her children. Balancing work, household tasks, and parenting becomes overwhelming, impacting her overall well-being and causing heightened stress.

4. Michael, a teenager with ADHD:
Michael encounters social challenges. He frequently misreads social cues and struggles to maintain appropriate social interactions. He often interrupts others unintentionally or struggles to gauge when it’s his turn to speak. This leads to misunderstandings and difficulties forming and maintaining friendships, leaving Michael feeling socially isolated and misunderstood.

5. Jade, a professional writer:
Jade grapples with the inability to harness hyperfocus effectively. While her intense focus on writing can be an asset, she often becomes so engrossed in her work that she loses track of time and neglects other important responsibilities. This inconsistency leads to a lack of balance in her life, impacting personal relationships and overall well-being.

Many people may be able to identify with certain aspects of the above case studies. It’s important to recognize that experiencing occasional difficulties with concentration can be influenced by various factors such as stress, fatigue, or distractions. However, in ADHD, symptoms persist over an extended period of time and are often accompanied by impairments in academic or occupational performance, relationships, and overall quality of life.

If you do find that these difficulties with concentration are consistently affecting your ability to function and thrive in various areas of your life, it may be helpful to consult with a qualified professional for ADHD testing. They’lll consider various factors like personal history, symptom severity, and the impact on daily functioning before making a diagnosis.

How to Accept and Understand an ADHD Diagnosis

Upon receiving an ADHD diagnosis, it’s important to prioritize self-understanding over self-criticism. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation but rather understanding that your unique brain is functioning and finding ways to navigate your challenges differently. Acceptance allows you to better understand your unique experiences, challenges, and strengths, providing a framework for self-awareness and making sense of your behaviors and thought patterns.

Better understanding the characteristics of an ADHD diagnosis can empower you to seek appropriate support. This includes strategies for managing ADHD-related symptoms, and accessing specialized treatment with the help of professionals who understand the nuances of this condition. Ultimately, by learning more about ADHD and exploring effective strategies, individuals with ADHD can better facilitate their lives and improve their overall well-being.

If you’re struggling with acceptance or self-doubt, know that you’re not alone. In my previous post, Coping with ADHD as an Adult and How Therapy can Help, we dive into the various ways therapy can nurture and support you in this process.

Functional Impairment and its Effects

ADHD can impact various areas of a person’s life, including social, employment, financial, and educational domains. The level of impairment varies among individuals, but it can significantly influence self-image and mood. Frustration and feelings of incapability may arise when simple tasks become challenging or career opportunities are missed due to prolonged and tedious processes. This chain of effects can ultimately result in low self-esteem and dissatisfaction with life.

Acceptance allows you to better understand your unique experiences, challenges, and strengths, providing a framework for self-awareness and making sense of your behaviors and thought patterns.

How to Manage ADHD Symptoms

However, the negative effects of ADHD can be addressed through changing one’s perspective and seeking evidence-based treatments. While psychopharmacology (medication) is widely used in ADHD treatment, it may not be suitable for everyone. Additionally, it primarily addresses symptoms without providing coping skills or emotional support.

An alternative to medication is neurofeedback, a therapeutic technique that modulates brain function to alleviate symptoms effectively. Neurofeedback has shown comparable effectiveness to medication and surpasses cognitive behavioral therapy in treating ADHD core symptoms. Moreover, coaching, which follows a cognitive-behavioral approach, can help individuals improve their lives through the development of routines, self-awareness, and coping strategies tailored to the individual’s unique situation.

The Role of Psychotherapy in ADHD Treatment

Psychotherapy plays a crucial role in ADHD treatment, providing emotional support and addressing every aspect of the individual. By exploring the effects of ADHD on identity, identifying strengths, and improving self-perception, individuals can reduce emotional intensity, improve anxiety management, and regain control over their lives. Psychotherapy also aids in organizing time, processing past and current stressors, and ultimately leading a more fulfilling life.

My wish is to help you uncover your strengths and become a more active participant of your life’s goals, leading to a sense of empowerment and improved self-understanding.

Constant Evolution and Self-Awareness

As human beings,we evolve and our mental health and ADHD symptoms can change over time. Factors such as aging and external influences contribute to these changes. It is crucial to maintain self-awareness and adapt to our evolving needs by making necessary adjustments in treatment approaches. Taking perspective and avoiding focusing only on our difficulties can help us embrace our unique functioning and emphasize its advantages, leading to contentment, serenity, and pride in who we are.

A Therapeutic Toolbox: Unlocking the Secrets to an Empowered ADHD Life

Living with ADHD in a neurotypical world can present challenges, but with the right approach and understanding, individuals with ADHD also thrive. By prioritizing self-understanding, exploring evidence-based treatments, and engaging in psychotherapy, individuals can significantly improve their quality of life. Remember, accepting your neurodivergent characteristics can empower you to embrace your uniqueness and lead a fulfilling life.

Learn more about ADHD testing services at Clarity, or book a complimentary consultation to speak with a professional to explore which treatment options are right for you.

D o you ever find it difficult to say “no”? Are you so worried about upsetting other people that your needs go unmet? You may often feel like it’s your job to make everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many of us have a fear of displeasing others, and this fear may be so deeply rooted that we don’t realize how harmful it can be to our health and happiness.

People pleasing is a theme that often comes up with clients in our therapy sessions. I’ve often had clients share, whether it was at work, with friends, or in romantic relationships, they would say “yes” when they really wanted to say “no.” Perhaps you can relate to this common experience. Maybe you find yourself doing things that aren’t enjoyable or healthy, just because other people expect you to, or because it makes them happy.

And let’s face facts: We all have some of this in us. However, being too nice and accommodating others can ultimately lead to burnout—and not just physical exhaustion but an emotional exhaustion due to feeling stretched too thin and underappreciated by others. If this rings true for you, maybe it’s worth taking a step back to examine some of these behaviors.

Do you know how to tell if you’re a people pleaser? In this blog post we’ll look at some key signs and behavior patterns that could indicate that you have people pleasing tendencies, and what to do about it.

How to tell if you’re a people pleaser: common signs

1. You often feel responsible for making everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many people feel pressure to make others happy, and for good reason. We’re living in a society where we’re encouraged to take care of each other, and that means being there when someone needs us and making sure that they feel loved and cared for. This may come in the form of obvious pressure from your boss, partner, or family members, or more subtle, unspoken norms that you feel you need to live up to.

One way to tell if you’re a people pleaser can look like an extreme preoccupation with other people’s moods. For example, instead of enjoying the party you’re hosting, perhaps you’re overly concerned about others having a good time, and spend your time hyper-focused on being the perfect host. To an extent, this is normal and may make you a great party planner and all-around conscientious person. However, if anxiety about others enjoying themselves prevents you from being present enough to enjoy your own party, it may be a sign of people pleasing.

Feeling overly responsible for others can also leave you feeling like you’re constantly on duty—you may feel like you have to be there for everyone else, all the time. And when you put so much pressure on yourself to be available for others, it can become difficult to honor your own emotions or deal with your own problems without feeling guilty or like you’re letting someone else down. 

2. You feel guilty when you say no.

3. You often feel like you need to be liked by everyone.

It’s natural and normal to want to be liked by others. However, people pleasers often struggle with this above and beyond what’s healthy. Some people may feel like they need to be liked by everyone in order to be accepted and included in a certain group or social circle. You may feel like you must be liked by everyone because deep down, even unconsciously, you experience nagging feelings of inadequacy, or not feeling good enough as you are. 

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks however, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as well as feelings of guilt or shame when you don’t meet the expectations of others. Additionally, it can lead to you feeling like you can’t make decisions for yourself or that you need to please everyone. 

Here are a few ways you can shift your focus internally if you find yourself seeking external validation:

• • Take time to practice self-care and self-compassion. 

  • Remind yourself of your worth and values. 

  • Practice positive affirmations and self-talk.

  • Accept yourself as a unique individual and recognize your strengths.

  • Focus on developing meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and trust.

  • Set clear boundaries with others and be assertive when necessary.

  • Create achievable goals and celebrate accomplishments.

  • Prioritize your own needs and feelings over those of others.

4. You’re overly worried about what other people will think of you.

If you’re a people pleaser, then you’re probably concerned about what other people will think of you. You might be worried about what they’ll think of your choices and actions, or if they’ll like what you have to say. You also might feel like an impostor around certain groups or individuals because they make such an effortless impression on others–and this makes it difficult for them to see who they truly are behind their masks (or chameleons).

You aren’t your authentic self because you’re afraid you won’t be accepted for who you truly are. Furthermore, you may even find yourself going above and beyond your physical, emotional, or financial means to please others, even if it means sacrificing your own wellbeing. Do any of these things resonate with you?

5. You often find yourself in situations where you are over-rehearsed and overexcited, trying to make a good impression on others.

You try to be the best version of yourself for other people. You want them to like you and think that you’re interesting and fun, smart, a good person and a good listener. Again, this is normal behavior to an extent, so it’s up to you to decide where you fall in terms of people-pleasing. For example, do you find you’re often preoccupied or over-rehearsed for conversations because you want everything that comes out of your mouth to be perfect?

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people.

Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser may be that you find yourself rehearsing what people could ask or say next so that there is no awkward silence or confusion about what’s going on in their heads at any given moment during conversation with you.

A common example may be during a job interview. The people pleaser is so over-rehearsed and over excited that they start talking too much, giving too much detail and trying to prove their worth to the employer. Responses may seem canned and unnatural, as if the person has memorized a script versus responding authentically. They may also come across as too eager to please, agreeing to anything the employer suggests and not expressing their own opinion. Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser could look like dressing or presenting yourself in a way that doesn’t feel authentic in order to ensure you appeal to a certain person, audience, or group of people.

How can I stop being a people pleaser and build confidence?

So, you identify with some (or all) of the above behavior patterns of people-pleasing. This is a positive thing! The first step to transformative behavior change is recognizing the patterns that no longer serve you. Now that you recognize some of the behaviors causing you grief, here are some positive actions you can take:

1. Learn how to set effective boundaries: The first step in learning how to stop being a people pleaser is to set effective boundaries. As mentioned above, this can often take a bit of practice as you learn to say no to requests and expectations that go beyond what you’re willing to do. It can be pretty comfortable at first, and that’s okay!

2. Know your values: Knowing your values will help you to make decisions that are right for you. When you know what is important to you, it will be easier to say no to those requests that don’t fit with your values. Take a moment to uncover your values and get to the heart of who you are.

3. Focus on yourself: As we touched on, people pleasing can sometimes stem from a lack of self-esteem. Focusing on your own needs and interests rather than trying to please others can help shift your focus internally. This includes learning how to acknowledge your own emotions and feelings and be mindful of them, as well as prioritizing your own needs and interests over those of others.

4. Practice self-care: Take time to focus on yourself, your feelings and needs. Creating a sustainable self-care practice you enjoy can help alleviate stress, and improve your self-esteem and confidence.

5. Build your self-confidence: Build your self-confidence by setting small goals that you can achieve and then praising yourself for your successes. Check out 9 tips for boosting your self confidence.

6. Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend or family member, and others who identify as people pleasers can help you to gain the confidence to examine your behaviors and stop people-pleasing. Read lessons learned from recovering people pleasers, and connect with like minded individuals.

7. Practice makes perfect: Visualize and practice the things that are challenging for you. For example, you might practice saying no to someone and work through what comes up. Making a game plan and practicing your approach with a trusted friend or therapist can help you gain confidence in these new skills and work through uncomfortable feelings that may arise. Check out PsychCentral’s guilt-free guide to saying no.

So, you can tell you’re a people pleaser. What’s next?

People pleasing behaviors can be hard to break out of and can impact your wellbeing, sense of self, and lead to burnout. It can take time to learn how to set healthy boundaries, build confidence, and stop looking to others for validation and approval. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you’re not alone and you don’t have to stay stuck in a pattern of behaviors that feel self-defeating. 

Therapy can help you become aware of your triggers and behavior patterns, recognize when you’re people pleasing, and work on developing and practicing healthier behaviors. With the help from a trusted professional and along with self-reflection, you can learn to become more confident, live more authentically, and foster relationships that are genuine, reciprocal and fulfilling. If you’re interested in learning more, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

If you’re not ready to start therapy, there are other steps you can take, too. Along with the positive behaviors outlined above, self-help books on the topic can be immensely enlightening as well. Best wishes on your journey of self-exploration, wherever it may take you. 

Your Turn: Do you identify with any of the people-pleasing qualities listed above? What’s helped you break free from behaviors that don’t serve you? Share your experience in the comments below.

Fear directs survival. A lot of fears are very rational: not only do they make sense, but they serve a critically important function of keeping us alive. For instance, if you’re afraid of heights, you will probably stay away from mountains and therefore reduce your risk of dying by falling off a cliff.

Fear is a natural and healthy reaction to danger. Some fear can be beneficial, but persistent fear can be debilitating- even life-threatening. We can learn to better manage our fear by understanding the flight/fight process of the nervous system, and how this process impacts the brain and body. Learning how to heal after a traumatic experience will help you take control over fear, so fear stops controlling you.

When humans are exposed to real threat to life- physical harm, childhood abuse or neglect, violence, sexual assault, or systematic oppression, your brain shifts in how it prioritizes fear. You become hyper-attuned to threats. When you don’t have adequate support after exposure to threat, this hyper-focus becomes semi-permanent. It’s an extended symptom to keep you on high alert to future threats.

When this experience happens often or with great intensity, more and more resources are directed towards your survival mechanisms. The number one job of the nervous system is to protect your survival by any means necessary. Unfortunately, complex trauma rewires us to be hyper-focused on staying safe. Your nervous system becomes so overloaded with messages of threat that it comes unreliable and unpredictable. You feel fear everywhere, while also losing your ability to tolerate the fear. You can become so scared you actually lose the capacity to keep yourself safe.

What is complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD)?

This slow pressure of threat on the nervous system is the main crux of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (also known as C-PTSD). C-PTSD results from repeated and prolonged exposure to traumatic events. It’s characterized by a range of symptoms such as difficulty regulating emotions, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, difficulty in relationships, and an altered sense of self. C-PTSD is distinct from PTSD in that it involves multiple traumatic events and a longer duration of exposure.

C-PTSD is most often diagnosed among people who have been victims of prolonged, repetitive trauma. It’s most commonly found in those who have experienced childhood abuse or neglect; domestic violence; and sexual assault.

Coping with C-PTSD

The impact of trauma on the brain, emotions, and behavior. 

Trauma can have a profound effect on the brain, emotions, and behavior. Traumatic events can cause changes in brain chemistry and structure, leading to changes in behavior and emotional reactions. These changes can range from difficulty concentrating and problems with memory to feeling detached from reality, increased anxiety and depression, and changes in personality.

Some people may also have difficulty regulating emotions, become more aggressive or impulsive, or have difficulty establishing close relationships. Trauma can also lead to an increased risk of physical health problems, substance abuse, and self-harming behaviors. Coping with C-PTSD poses its own set of challenges, and can be further complicated if an individual doesn’t have a support network or trusted individuals to lean on.

The following are some common ways that trauma can affect one’s ability to function:

• • Memory problems – forgetting things more than usual, difficulty paying attention, or completing tasks.

  • Anxiety or panic attacks – feeling like your emotions or bodily sensations are out of your control.

  • Depression – feeling hopefulness, sad or not enjoying activities you normally enjoy.

  • Hypervigilance – feeling on edge or fearful in your day to day life, despite lack of actual threat.

  • Heightened startle response – exaggerated response to unexpected stimuli, especially sounds, that can feel intense and long-lasting (i.e.jumping at the sound of an ambulance siren, feeling physical sensations like heart palpitations, sweaty palms, or anxiety that takes awhile to dissipate).

  • Intrusive thoughts – Image-based memory is also tied to fear, along with belief systems. Your brain will prioritize these, earmarked as “urgent” increasing the frequency in which you experience negative thoughts and intrusive memories.

  • Depersonalization/Derealization – feeling disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, or surroundings. You may experience yourself as an outside observer of your own life or experience a sense of unreality or dreamlike state, as if you’re living in a fog. 

How does fear impact the nervous system?

What are the 10 fear responses?

1. Fight- I can beat the bear
2. Flight- I can escape the bear
3. Freeze- I can hide from the bear
4. Flounder- I attempt self defense but struggle
5. Fawn- I can please the bear
6. Friend- I can become the bear
7. Fright- I can scare the bear
8. Flop- I can submit to the bear
9. Faint- I can detach from the bear
10. Face- I can control my response to the bear

How fear hijacks the nervous system’s threat response.

When faced with fear, your responses change based on your perceived ability to beat the threat, your ability to escape the threat, or your ability to evade harm. When you see the bear, a subconscious judgment is made and then a response is activated. This response is then either strengthened or changed based on your actual experiences.

Fear is a normal reaction to trauma, and is your body’s way of protecting itself from danger – real or perceived.

The more your system learns it has no power over the threat, the more it shifts down into helplessness. Chronic activation of fear, especially fear that led to actual harm or danger, can disrupt the way your nervous system regulates. Living with C-PTSD, you might stop feeling fearful at all, you might experience numbness or dissociation, or you might experience intense depressive episodes. For other people, you may be able to maintain elevated responses, where you find yourself activated constantly. Most people bounce between these two states.

People who have experienced trauma may see bears everywhere, literally. This is because the amygdala- or the fear center of the brain– has adapted to see bears even when there aren’t any. Studies show that people coping with C-PTSD have amygdalas which are unable to recognize the difference between a threat in the past and a current threat. This means that if you’re reminded of a past experience, it’s as if you’re experiencing the traumatic event for the first time. This phenomenon is designed to keep you in a state of self-defense even when there is nothing to defend against. Our brain is trying to keep us safe, but it’s actually hurting us.

With complex trauma disorders, the amygdala has become hyperactive. You might experience a trigger or emotional flashback by something completely unrelated to your trauma. This is because the amygdala also hijacks most emotional processing- meaning fear gets woven into almost all of your experiences- even post-trauma experience. Emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and memories can all become tainted by fear. This is made more complicated due to the under-active prefrontal cortex.

So while your amygdala is overreacting to nonexistent threats, your prefrontal cortex (the rational, decision-making area of the brain) isn’t assessing threats as well as it should be. Having an underactive prefrontal cortex can mean slow learning of new information (which may help how you respond to fear), logical thinking, and having a harder time controlling your fear response.

assessing threat and coping with c-ptsd

Learn how to distinguish ‘real threat’ from ‘perceived threat.’

How to improve coping with C-PTSD and managing fear

Fear is a normal reaction to trauma, it’s your body’s way of protecting itself from danger (or perceived danger). It can be managed consciously and by taking steps to reduce stress and anxiety.

You do this through repeated practice of regulating our reactions to stress, seeing it like a form of physical therapy for your nervous system. We can’t stop the train from leaving the station- our nervous system is reflexive and autopilot shifts on easily. Coping with C-PTSD means that we can catch the train quicker, slow it down quicker, and rope it back into the station more effectively.

Here are things you can do that will help you feel safer when you’re feeling fearful, including:

• • Practice mindful breathing: Take slow, deep breaths, focusing on your breath and trying to relax your body.

  • Practice progressive muscle relaxation: Slowly tense and relax each muscle group in your body, starting with your feet and working up to your head.

  • Engage in activities or grounding exercises that you find calming or enjoyable: Try yoga, meditation, or even just going for a walk in nature.

  • If possible, remove yourself or take a break from whatever situation makes you feel anxious until your nervous system calms down.

  • Take care of  your basic needs and your health make sure you are: eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, engaging in activities you enjoy (like drawing, socializing, or playing music)

  • Challenge your negative thought patterns: Identify the negative thoughts that come up when you feel fear and challenge them with positive, more realistic thoughts.

  • Talk to friends and family: Sharing your experiences with someone can be a great way to reduce fear reactions and build a support system.

  • Seek professional help: If your fear reactions are persistent and affecting your quality of life, it might be beneficial to speak to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in working with people who’ve experienced trauma.

learn the signs of your fear responses to retrain your nervous system

When you can reduce the fear reactions you experience when NO threat is present, you’re retraining your nervous system to become more accurate and less reactive. This triggers a slow but important domino effect where your thoughts are less connected to fear, your emotions are less connected to fear, and your behaviors are less driven by fear.

The result is that you’re in better control of your physical symptoms, you improve your self-care, and begin to feel more present in life. When we aren’t motored by worry, we have space for more emotions and can experience true safety.

Here are some things you can do when you’re not in a fearful state to begin to retrain the nervous system:

• • What were the real threats, or your “bears?” How did you respond to stay safe? Why was this most likely the safest way to react to the bear?
  • Identify any coping mechanisms or strategies that may no longer be serving you.
  • What is a non-threat that triggers fear? Can you notice and manage symptoms that come up? Why does this feel so much like a bear?

Healing from C-PTSD is possible

The journey toward healing and recovery from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a process. There is no one size fits all approach, and it can be particularly challenging when you’re working on your own. You need to be patient with yourself, but also know that it’s okay if you need help from others along the way.

Coping with Complex-PTSD and learning how to heal is ideal in the presence of a trained trauma therapist. A trauma-informed therapist can help give you the necessary tools to practice soothing yourself out of fear, and help you distinguish between real and perceived threats. If you’re ready to take control of your own safety and stop living in fear, reach out to begin the process of healing with trauma therapy today.

Your Turn: What were your bears? How did you respond to stay safe? How have you let go of fear-based behaviors that are no longer serving you?

How do you calm yourself down when you experience stress, anxiety, or dissociation?

It’s common for interpersonal stressors to contribute to upsetting thoughts and increased anxieties. Understandably these may vary from person to person depending on a variety of factors.

6. Unresolved trauma or conflicts from the past

7. Lack of meaningful relationships, loneliness or isolation

8. Change in living or work environment

9. Social pressure or criticism

10. Bullying or harassment

11. Feeling unappreciated or ignored

12. Health issues or disability

Between the pandemic, natural disasters, rising inflation, and other common life stressors, it’s no wonder that millions of people struggle with anxiety and other mental health concerns.

What do you do when it all becomes too much?

If you haven’t tried it yet, we highly recommend trying out a few grounding techniques. These have been immensely helpful for some of my own clients, so I wanted to share a few of my favorites here.

What Are Grounding Techniques?

Practicing grounding techniques is a great way to calm yourself and bring you back from the edge. These help you refocus your mind and senses.

They bring back your thoughts to the present moment, recentering yourself from the source of your anxiety, whether it’s a past trauma or a future worry.

Grounding techniques are a key component in managing symptoms or feelings of distress. There are different types of grounding techniques, but they all aim to help you cope with negative emotions and mental health problems better.

Physical Grounding Techniques

Physical grounding techniques generally rely on your five senses — particularly your sense of touch. These exercises usually also require motion or physical movement.

1. The 5-4-3-2-1 Method

The 5-4-3-2-1 method is one of the most recommended grounding techniques. All you have to do is to list things around you that you can interact with your senses, going down from five. For example:

• Five things you see
• Four things you hear
• Three things you can touch or feel
• Two things you can smell
• One thing you can taste

You can arrange the order or number of senses to your liking. It can help to say your list aloud and pay attention to things you don’t notice regularly to further focus your mind.

2. Deep Mindful Breathing

Inhale and exhale slowly, taking care to notice how each breath causes your body to move. Try to be mindful of the sensations as each breath fills your body and pushes out.

You can also practice the 4-7-8 breathing exercise:

• Inhale deeply while counting to four.
• Hold your breath for seven seconds.
• Exhale slowly to eight counts.

3. Lie Down on the Floor

You can take these grounding exercises literally and lay on the ground. When you do this, try to feel all points of contact between your body and the floor. Focus on where your head, back, shoulders, elbows, arms, legs, and feet touch the ground.

While you do these, it’s also beneficial to do your breathing exercises.

4. Designate a Grounding Chair

Choose a cozy chair where you can lean back while still having your feet reach the floor comfortably. Sit down with your feet flat on the ground, preferably with no shoes or slippers.

Focus on the points of contact between your body and both the ground and chair. Think of how the chair material feels on your skin, how your body fits the chair, and how your feet feel steady on the floor.

Incorporate intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

5. Go on a Short Walk

Take a brisk walk or a jog to let out pent up energy. You can go outdoors or just walk around your house or on a treadmill. While walking, stamping your feet intentionally and focusing on the sensation it causes can further help you concentrate on the present moment.

It also helps to take intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

6. Stretch and Exercise

Aside from walking, stretching and other exercises also serve as great grounding techniques. The important thing is to get your body moving and your mind away from your worries. 

You can do exercises in place, such as jumping jacks or jogging in place. Yoga is also a great exercise for this as it pairs well with mindful breathing and meditation.

7. Do Some Gardening

Almost any other physical activity that requires you to engage as much of your body as possible can become a grounding technique. A great example is gardening. Repetitive actions like pulling weeds are great. These allow you to pay closer attention to the sensations of what you’re doing rather than the actions themselves — without causing much (if any) potential harm to yourself.

8. Rub Your Hands Together

If you can’t get up and move around, even simply rubbing your hands together can help. You can even add in a few claps for variety. Instead of just concentrating on the action and how it feels, pay attention to the noise you make as well.

You can also try rubbing your hand over your clothes, table, chair, or other piece of furniture nearby. Notice the different textures on your skin and how it makes you feel.

9. Submerge Your Hands in Water

Dipping your hands into a bowl of water — especially if it’s cold — can shock you into focusing on your surroundings and the present moment.

When you put your hands in water, focus on how the water feels around your fingers and how it flows when you move your hands. It can also help to alternate between placing your hands into warm water then cold water.

10. Hold Ice Cubes

This is a great grounding technique if you suffer from anxiety. Just hold a couple of ice cubes in your hand for a few seconds. Concentrate on how cold the ice is and how it feels in your palms.

You can also trace the ice along your arms or legs and focus on the sensation it causes. Just be careful that the ice isn’t cold enough to cause ice burns.

11. Touch Something Comforting

The opposite of shocking your sense of touch is a good grounding technique, too. Instead, find an object with a texture that brings you joy or comfort. This can be anything — a polished stone, a fluffy blanket, or even just a soft piece of yarn. As always, focus on the sensations when you hold your grounding object.

12. Squeeze a Stress Ball

Stress balls are amazing grounding tools since they not only give you something to concentrate on but also require some strength for maximum effect. Focus your energy on two things — how the ball feels in your palm and on the strength or energy you need to really squeeze your stress ball.

Instead of simply squeezing the stress ball absentmindedly, imagine it as the source of your stress. You can also visualize putting all your anxiety into the ball as you squeeze it and then letting it go when you release your hold.

13. Play With a Fidget Cube

Like stress balls, playing with fidget cubes and similar toys like spinners can help counter your stress and anxiety. If you’re restless, then you’ll likely find fidget cubes extra useful.

The repetitive nature of fidget toys can provide anxiety relief. Always try to remain focused on your actions and pay attention to how your hands and fingers move.

Mental Grounding Techniques

These are mental exercises or distractions that primarily aim to reframe your mind and redirect you away from your upsetting thoughts and feelings.

14. Meditation Exercises

Meditation is the intentional practice of being in the present moment. This is a great technique to empty your mind and escape from the feeling of having too many thoughts — especially upsetting ones. If you’re new to meditating, there are plenty of apps that can guide you.

If you want even more effective grounding techniques, you can practice meditation while doing other physical grounding exercises, like walking, stretching, and other repetitive actions.

15. Describe Your Surroundings

Take a few minutes to look around you and describe what you see. Try to use as much of your five senses as you can.

Aside from describing what you see, describe what you feel, too. Be as detailed as you can to stimulate your brain. Is your chair soft or hard? How is the temperature in your room? What color is your table or your shirt?

16. Imagine Storing Your Feelings in a Box

Imagine filling a box with all your upsetting thoughts and negative feelings. Visualize yourself gathering all those upsetting emotions and balling them up, then putting them in a box and locking the box securely. The idea is not to suppress or stuff your emotions for good, but instead contain them until you feel ready to revisit them.

19. Count Backwards

We know not all of us are math people, but numbers offer a nice distraction. A simple way to use numbers to center your thoughts is to count backwards from 100. You don’t necessarily need to reach one. Just keep counting backwards until you feel calmer, more in the present, and farther away from your upsetting thoughts.

20. Play Sudoku

If you’re open to slightly more difficult number-based grounding techniques, then answering a Sudoku puzzle is a really good one. Sudoku can be quite the challenge and requires your full mind power. This means you need to be fully in the present moment. 

Other brain exercises and puzzle games like word searches, jigsaws, crossword puzzles, and tetris-like block puzzles work, too.

21. Recite a Poem or Passage 

Quietly recite a poem, book passage, or even the lines from a movie scene that you know by heart. You can also recite the lyrics of a song you love. For greater effect, try visualizing the words as you’d see them when written on a page.

Saying the words out loud instead of just in your mind is preferable, but if that isn’t possible, you can also just say it in your head. It will still help redirect your thoughts away from what’s causing your anxiety. 

Soothing Grounding Techniques

These are a mix of both physical and mental grounding exercises. Instead of simply redirecting your mind away from upsetting thoughts, soothing grounding techniques focus more on making you feel at ease.

22. Make a Warm Drink

Make your favorite comforting, hot beverage. Whether this is tea, coffee, or hot chocolate is up to you. While preparing your drink, you can also practice mindfulness. Take note of each movement you make and how everything you touch feels. When you’re done making it, take a seat somewhere relaxing and savor each sip of your drink.

23. Take a Bath or Shower

Like with other grounding techniques, be mindful of each step you take in preparing your bath or shower. When you do get in the bath (or shower), let the water envelop you — pay extra attention to how it makes you feel.

Many prefer warm baths to really soak in, unwind, and release all their stress. On the other hand, cold showers are great too, especially if you want to jolt yourself out of a “fight or flight” mindset. 

24. Sit or Lie Down With Your Pet

Cuddling with your pet is amazing for relieving stress, anxiety, and general worries. Spending a few minutes just sitting with them and stroking their fur is a huge help. Concentrating on the feeling of their fur or the up-and-down movement of their chest also adds to their calming effect.

Additionally, the positive effect of pets on stress is scientifically proven — they actually lower the levels of stress-related hormones and blood pressure.

25. Smell Something Familiar

You can light a candle, spray on perfume, open a packet of comfort food, or light some incense. Familiar scents can help you feel calmer. For some, it may be a food or drink they find comforting. For others, it’s something they associate with a person or event that makes them feel happy or safe. 

26. Listen to Calming Music

The type of music depends entirely on your tastes. In general, instrumentals like classical music or jazz are calming for most people. If that’s not your style, then just listening to your favorite music — whether it’s an upbeat or mellow song — is an effective way to distract and comfort yourself.

27. Listen to ASMR

Aside from calming music, listening to ASMR or autonomous sensory meridian response videos can be a great grounding technique, too. ASMR is a relaxing sensory experience, where sounds (and sometimes visuals) are used to “trigger” a calming yet spine-tingling sensation to help you feel more relaxed.

You’ll find tons of ASMR videos online. These videos are characterized by clear sounds from everyday objects and soft whispers.

Putting on your favorite TV show or reading a book or graphic novel can work as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

28. Put on Your Comfort Show or Movie

Putting on your favorite TV show or a movie from your to-watch list is a great way to mindfully distract yourself from unwanted thoughts and emotions. Watching something — as well as reading a book or graphic novel — works as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

29. Watch a Funny Video

If you don’t have time to watch a two-hour movie or even a 45-minute show, then short but funny videos work just as well. A good meme or a clip from your favorite comedian’s latest show can help diffuse any intense emotions you may be carrying. Laughing can help you feel lighter, so you can later tackle the source of your stress with a clearer head.

30. Color in a Coloring Book

In recent years, coloring books have become quite a trend — even among adults. This is thanks to the soothing effect coloring can give you. It not only calms the brain but also keeps it active as you pick out colors and try to stay inside the lines. Coloring also promotes mindfulness and embracing the imperfect.

31. Plan a Fun Activity for Later

Doing something now isn’t the only way to ground yourself to the present moment. Planning something you will enjoy can give the same benefits. This can be something as simple as planning what to cook for yourself or visiting a new cafe with a friend. It can also be an activity that requires more preparation, like an out-of-town trip or going to a concert.

32. Picture Your Favorite Place

If you can’t go to your favorite place physically, then you can visualize it instead. Close your eyes and imagine actually being there — whether it’s a far-off place or your childhood home. Try to remember how the place feels, smells, and even what the surroundings sound like.

33. Imagine the Face or Voice of a Loved One

Alternatively, you can also visualize a loved one. It’s important to choose someone that you associate with comfort and safety, or someone who has a calming effect on you. Instead of just picturing how they look, think about how their voice sounds, how they smell, and what they might say.

34. List Down Things That Bring You Joy

What makes you happy? Think about your favorite things — the things that make you smile and leave you with warm, fuzzy feelings inside. You can list them down mentally or on paper. These can be your favorite foods, color, songs, people, or even places you want to go to. Visualize each item you list down as clearly as you can before moving to the next one.

35. Say Words of Affirmation

Being kinder to yourself and saying words of affirmation out loud can work wonders in calming you down and soothing your worries. Examples of affirmative, compassionate words are:

• This will pass.
• I will be okay.
• I’m strong.
• I’m doing my best.
• This is only temporary.
• I can do this.

Get the Most Out of Grounding Techniques

The key to getting the most out of these grounding techniques is to practice them regularly. Making them a part of your daily routine makes it easier for you to fall back on these practices as soon as you notice yourself in distress or on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Grounding techniques are effective in helping you manage your mental health by yourself. Speaking with a therapist can help you further improve your mental state, as well as learn new grounding exercises.

At Clarity Therapy, we offer a free therapist matching service to help you get connected with the right therapist for you. Simply share your preferences on our questionnaire and our clinical team will provide personalized recommendations to your inbox. All of our therapists provide complimentary phone consultations, so you can see if it feels like a good fit before starting therapy.

Your Turn: Have you found particular grounding techniques helpful in your day to day routines? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

No matter where on the spectrum your family falls from wonderful to awful, going home for the holidays is more complicated for most than all joy, merriment, and lights. Even as adults, stepping back into in-person family dynamics can make us feel like a kid again, including all the unpleasant parts. If this is you, know that you’re not alone.

In my experience as a therapist supporting clients with family relationship challenges, it’s common for clients to feel ambivalent or anxious when anticipating family time. Particularly during this time of year, my sessions with clients often focus on exploring together where they have some control to support themselves as they prepare for their time ahead with family. In this post, I want to share a few great ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays this year.

6 ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays:

1. Manage your expectations

Mom is still mom and Uncle Joe is still Uncle Joe. Your sister will still run late, and your brother won’t get you a gift.  In short, everyone will still be themselves, and your family will still be your family.  Even more so as they, too, try to manage the stress and expectations of this time of year.

It may be helpful to remind yourself of this as you plan to travel home.  A useful mantra might be, “My holiday will be just another day(s) in my relationships, even if it’s tricked out in lights.” Keeping this in mind may help you better manage surprise and disappointment.

2. Your feelings are tools.

If you’ve ever been to therapy, you may have heard the expression that “feelings aren’t facts.” However, you can use your feelings as support. Your feelings can give you information about what you need. Gather information about your needs and check in with yourself from time to time. Examining your feelings objectively and anticipating them can also help you feel more grounded and in control.

Examining your feelings objectively and anticipating them can also help you feel more grounded and in control.

CLICK TO TWEET

For example, Are you feeling angry anticipating your grandmother and aunts asking if you are seeing anyone? Prepare a one-liner to have on hand in response. Are you feeling anxious about spending so much time with your brother? Consider planning a trip home for 3 days instead of the 6 days you had planned; Set a time to walk with a friend out of the house ahead of time. Are you worried about feeling bad in your body with all of the heavy cooking? Plan to bring some prepared food for yourself that you know feels good in your body.

3. “I’m going for a walk now”

Setting boundaries is one of the great ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays. They’re also some of the most empowering tools at your disposal to honor yourself and your relationships. Boundaries can look like physical space—going for an errand out of the home, spending time in your room, staying in the basement or a hotel, or removing yourself from the conversation if the subject matter is triggering.

They can also look like telling others what you’ll do to maintain your emotional and physical wellbeing. These may include things like;“I  will be bringing one present for everyone as this is what I can comfortably afford,” or “I have to leave the day after Christmas,” or “Please don’t use this pronoun with me.” 

Note: If you feel physically or emotionally unsafe with your family, more extreme boundaries are an option to you, such as choosing to not go home at all or to leave early.

4. Yes, it’s really okay to go for a walk now, no matter what Aunt Paula says.

Setting boundaries is one of the most empowering tools at your disposal to take care of yourself and your relationships.

 Click to tweet

5. Be kind to yourself

This is a complex time of year.  Families are complicated.  In the spirit of generosity, practice some with yourself, too.  Try telling yourself: “This is hard,” “I deserve to take care of myself,” or “I’m doing my best.”  One of the ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays is by being your best ally.

Being your own best ally can look like taking basic care of your needs like making sure that you are getting enough quality sleep, eating nourishing foods, and moving your body in joyful ways. Or explore a supportive habit like meditation, breathing, or journaling to manage stress.

6. Call in the reserves

When immediate family members feel tough, overwhelming, or limited, call in the reserves. Get creative. Who is available to support you with some of your experience?  Who can help you get out of your head or feel more grounded for a while? Maybe this looks like one particular ally in your family, or some friends in your hometown with whom you can make plans. Can you set a Facetime with your partner?  If you have a therapist, can you set a plan of support with them?  If you don’t have a trusted therapist, consider reaching out to find one. Follow a therapist or other accounts on Instagram that feel affirming. If you’ve decided not to go home for the holidays, where can you access your chosen family?

The Bottom Line

Setting boundaries and practicing these techniques may feel uncomfortable at first. It’s completely normal to get some pushback, especially if you’ve never set boundaries with family, friends, or loved ones before.

But with these helpful tools and strategies, my wish is that you’ll feel more self-assured and equipped to honor your own needs in any family holiday environment. As you search for gifts, also search for choices, tools, and supports available to you before you head home this year. You’ve got this.

Your Turn: What ways do you take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays? Share what’s worked in the comments below.

It can sometimes be difficult to trust your intuition. So why is it important to get in touch with it? Learning when and how to trust your intuition takes practice. Strengthening your intuition in your daily life helps you build confidence and learn how to trust yourself. If you’re interested in learning how to strengthen your intuition, keep on reading — we’ll go over the definition of intuition, why it’s important, and tips for developing your intuition.

What Is (and What Isn’t) Intuition?

Intuition, at its core, is just another form of knowledge. It’s produced by your unconscious mind quickly sifting through your accumulated knowledge and past experience, to help guide your decision-making.

Because you don’t “see” your unconscious mind walking through the steps and considering all this information, the hunches or gut feelings that arise from your intuition can be difficult to understand. Furthermore, it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between your intuition and fear and anxiety.  So how do you distinguish between anxiety and intuition?

Strengthening your intuition in your daily life helps you build confidence and learn how to trust yourself.

Because both can manifest as a sense that “something’s off and I’m not sure why,” some confuse the two. Studies show that the brain is capable of registering information even without our conscious awareness.

An important distinction is that anxiety is rooted in fear. You’re afraid of something bad happening, and it brings in emotions like worry and uncertainty, prompting you to avoid the cause of your anxiety.

Intuition, on the other hand, is much more grounded. You could feel confused or dismissive towards the feelings you experience, but underneath you might feel the need to listen anyway, “just in case.”

benefits of Strengthening Your Intuition

All the systems in your body work in tandem towards one goal — to ensure your continued survival. Your heart keeps pumping blood, your lungs keep drawing in air, your brain keeps thinking about the best course of action, and your intuition keeps trying to nudge you in the right direction.

When you don’t trust your intuition or allow it to atrophy instead of strengthening it, you’ll get caught in a web of uncertainty, stress, and fatigue. It’s exhausting to keep constantly looking over your shoulder, thinking and rethinking every step you take.

A 2016 study found that the unconscious emotional information provided by intuition can not only increase the accuracy of decision-making, it could also speed up the decision-making process and boost an individual’s sense of confidence. Your intuition is a natural, powerful tool meant to guide you through life — don’t be afraid to use it. Here are some other benefits of learning how to “trust your gut”:

• • • Increased creativity
    • Sense of overall emotional wellbeing and calm
    • Feeling purposeful and determined
    • Improved physical health
    • Better decision-making
    • Heightened sense of perception or empathy
    • Feeling more attuned to your own needs

10 Ways To Strengthen Your Intuition

When society favors logic over intuition, it can be difficult to accept that you don’t need to pass every experience underneath a microscope lens to validate your decision-making. Here are some ways you can strengthen your intuition and begin trusting yourself more:

1. Trust that your intuition is there — Because some people are naturally more intuitive than others, you might feel like you don’t have “good” intuition. Intuition is innate — we all have it, some are just better at listening to it. By believing that your intuition is there, you can be more receptive toward it whenever you do notice that little inkling of “hey, maybe this isn’t the greatest idea.”
2. Pick up meditation and mindfulness practices — Spending more time focusing solely on your subconscious mind can help you notice the quiet things your intuition is trying to tell you. It’s best to do this in a solitary place where you can allow your emotions to flow freely.
3. Start a journaling practice— Every day, dedicate some time to putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper. It doesn’t matter what you write about — just give yourself the freedom to let your subconscious guide your hand. Other creative activities, like drawing, gardening or picking up pottery can also be a good alternative.
4. Transform your relationship with your inner critic — We’re always our own biggest critic. You’re likely used to rationalizing away your gut feelings, but if you really want to strengthen your intuition, you will want to listen to your feelings without judgment, fear, or ridicule.
5. Connect with all five senses mindfully— Get a good stretch going, wiggle your toes and your fingers, and observe your surroundings mindfully. By paying attention to what you can sense with your body, you can develop greater awareness of yourself as a whole and make you more sensitive to your “sixth sense.”
6. Practice creative visualization — When you notice an intuitive feeling arising, try taking note of what it “looks” like. Does it have a particular sensation? How about a shape, color, or size? Where does it arise (e.g. your gut, your heart, in your throat)? The feeling of intuition differs from person to person, so paying close attention to how it feels makes it easier to recognize in the future.
7. Start a dream journal — Dreams are the subconscious mind’s playground. When the cognitive mind takes a break, your subconscious has the freedom to send you signals through your dreams. These signals can be confusing, so a dream journal can help you make sense of them later.
8. Practice in your immediate environment — Observe the events around you and examine what you’re getting an intuitive sense about, and try tracing what past experiences or knowledge you have that’s informing your intuition.
9. Tune into and connect with your body— Your body is in constant communication with you. Practice slowing down in the morning and throughout the day. Listen to what your body wants and needs. This is another way to tune into your intuition. Not doing what you think you should do but what you want to. This can look like taking a mid day walk and changing up your routine. Ask yourself: What blocks my intuition?What strengthens my intuition?
10. Reflect on past experiences — Reflect on challenging or uncomfortable situations from your past. Think back on whether or not you had any intuitive feelings that made you re-evaluate your decision. Did you talk yourself out of listening to those feelings? The more evidence you have that your intuition is trying to steer you in the right direction, the easier it’ll be to trust it.

Learn how to trust yourself

It’s never too late to learn to listen to yourself. Intuitive knowing is heart-opening and with practice will allow you to feel more calm, grounded and self-assured. Your intuition will accompany you for life, so don’t be shy about getting to know it. Would you like personalized guidance on how to strengthen your intuition? Reach out to me for a complimentary consultation today. I’d love to accompany you on your journey in self-empowerment.

Your Turn: What’s helped you learn how to strengthen your intution? Weigh in on the comments below.

How can breathwork help your anxiety? 

Are you finding yourself replaying experience and conversations over and over again in your mind? Do you have trouble letting things go? You might feel stuck analyzing and trying to control what can’t be controlled?

You might think being in our mind can “fix”or provide you with the solution. When truly being stuck in your mind can make your anxiety worse. If you want to learn to trust yourself, improve your anxiety, and feel a deeper connection to yourself, breathwork is a great place to start.

What is breathwork?

Breathwork can help you make sense of what feels jumbled in your mind. Breathwork is often used in Somatic Therapy, because it can invite you into your body with a sense of gentleness and compassion.

The practice of connecting with your breath takes us into a rhythmic breath that stimulates your vagus nerve. This tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress. The vagus nerve helps regulate your breathing and heart rate.

Giving your body the opportunity to experience ease, presence, and safety. There are many forms of breathwork that can help with your anxiety and alter your consciousness.

4 Types of Breathing That Can Help Anxiety 

1. Box breathing is where you exhale for a count of four, hold your lungs empty for a count of four, breath in for a count of four, and then exhale for a count of four. Repeating this pattern, you can maintain this sequence for a couple minutes to gain comfort with the rhythm. 

2. Belly breathing, also known as diaphragmatic breathing is when you send air into your stomach causing it to balloon out. A way to practice this is to lay on your back and place your hand on your stomach so you can feel your stomach expanding as you send breath into your abdomen with your other hand on your chest. Your hand on your stomach will rise and fall as you inhale and exhale the air from your stomach. Repeat this breath for a few minutes. 

3. Pursed lip breathing is a simple way to slow down your breathing and make it more intentional. Sitting in a comfortable position you will inhale through your nose for two slow counts and exhale out your mouth for four seconds, pursing your lips together as you exhale. 

Stimulating the vagus nerve through breathwork tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress.

 

4. Holotropic breathing is a form of breathwork that can be done with a facilitator or practiced on your own. You lay down or sit in a comfortable position. This is a three part breath, all through the mouth. With your first breath – the active breath – you’ll be breathing into your stomach – ballooning out your belly, the second breath into the chest (the heart space) and the third breath out through the mouth.

Repeat this pattern of breath, taking your time to get familiar with how it feels. Continue for a couple minutes and when you’re ready, open your eyes and reflect on how you felt. For instance, what feelings or thoughts came up during that time?

How can breathwork help ease anxiety?

Breathwork allows the subconscious mind to come forward so healing can take place. The holotropic breath is a quickening of the breath and involves breathing in a specific pattern.

The holotropic breath takes us out of the everyday pattern of breath and introduces a new pattern to us. Research shows that this can improve feelings of clarity, self-awareness, and proves a relief from stress, anxiety, and boosts the immune system.

How can I practice breathwork to manage MY anxiety?

Breathwork can be added into your morning routine and practiced throughout the day. When we first wake up our brain is in what’s called the alpha state. This is when your subconscious mind is readily available to you. This is a great opportunity to practice any form of breathwork.

Getting Started with Breathwork

While breathwork may look different from person to person, here are some helpful tips to start and evolve your own breathwork practice. 

1. Be patient with yourself, exercise the practice of breathwork with gentle curiosity, non-judgement, and compassion.
2. Practice when you aren’t feeling anxious so when you are it’ll feel more natural to implement the exercise. 
3. Where is my mind going? Check in with your thoughts while you are in the active breath. Simply noticing the thoughts, without trying to judge, change or force.
4. How am I feeling at this moment? Check in with the content of your thoughts as well as your physical sensations in your body. Is something distressing me, do I feel tension, or tightness somewhere in my body as a result? 
5. What thoughts or feelings are no longer serving me? Imagine a certain color with the negative thoughts or emotions that you’d like to release and visualize this as you exhale. 

Additional Benefits of Breathwork

Some benefits you’ll see is a greater ability to manage your anxiety. When you’re anxious or stressed your breathing is disrupted. By being able to support your breath, you’re helping to regulate your nervous system. 

Breathwork can cause physiological changes such as lower blood pressure and heart rate. You may experience lower levels of stress hormones in the blood, and increased feelings of contentment and joy. By breathing in these new ways, you’re communicating to your brain that it’s safe to relax. 

Clients often share that they’re able to release fear and anxiety through breathwork. Additionally, they feel more centered, grounded, and present in their day-to-day experiences. It’s a joy to witness my clients gain purpose and clarity and make changes to live life to its fullest.

You may also notice a subtle shift in your relationships. You’ll begin to feel a deeper connection to yourself and others. You too, can cultivate a sense of peace and silent strength through breathwork. My wish is that this precious tool can carry you through life’s ups and downs, just as it has for me.

Your Turn: Did this topic resonate with you? Share your experience of breathwork below, or book a complimentary consultation with Melanie to explore the life-changing effects of breathwork for managing anxiety.

W hen we think of the term “healing”, we tend to first think of a physical injury— a broken bone, a strained muscle, an open wound. We can acknowledge that each requires time, rest, a tender touch, and medical attention in order for healing to take place and occur properly so that all is restored. But what happens when the wound is an emotional one? Learn three tips for how to heal emotional wounds and recover from trauma. 

What is emotional trauma?

Emotional and psychological traumas are the result of extremely stressful events that leave us feeling unsafe and disconnected from everyone around us. They leave us feeling helpless, powerless, and overwhelmed. Many people also experience painful feelings and memories as well as anxiety that won’t go away. 

Just like the traumas that the body endures, we need to recognize that we each experience a range of emotional traumas as the result of life’s many hardships. Emotional trauma is suffered by the mind, heart, or spirit. It can stem from any number of experiences, including:

• Loss of a loved one through death

• A bad breakup or divorce

• Surviving abuse or emotional neglect

• Sudden financial hardships 

• Loss of property

Emotional and psychological traumas are the result of extremely stressful events that leave us feeling unsafe and disconnected from everyone around us.

 Click to tweet

What are the symptoms of emotional or psychological trauma?

Emotional traumas can often be difficult to detect because symptoms manifest differently from person to person. Some might fall into a deep depression and pull away from everyone. Others might mask their pain with drugs, alcohol, or some other acting-out behaviors. Many people might appear to carry on as if it’s business as usual.

Issues of the mind and heart are harder to detect. Therefore, they are easier to hide from the outside world.  As a result, we fool ourselves into dismissing, ignoring, or avoiding them in an effort to convince ourselves that we are okay and should just “move on”. But just like any physical wound, a broken heart requires attention, care, love, and healing.  We must go through an emotional healing process. Understanding the stages of trauma and recovery is a helpful place to start. 

How to heal yourself emotionally from trauma or tragedy

The best course of action for healing old emotional wounds is to be an active participant in your healing process. Here are three tips for healing emotional wounds to recover from trauma: 

Healing Trauma Tip #1: Practice Identifying The Cause 

Injuries to our mind, heart, and spirit must first be identified and acknowledged before they can be treated. So often we walk around carrying pains we don’t even remember picking up.  We carry them with us through life. Sometimes, this pain begins in early childhood and stays with us as we navigate adulthood. Other times, sudden shifts or unexpected life changes throw us into a crisis of identity that leaves us feeling lost. 

Either way, you will not be able to release the pain you have been carrying if you don’t know that you’re holding onto it.  You cannot heal an emotional wound that you invalidate or resist acknowledging. 

Ways to identify the cause of emotional wounds

As a therapist, identifying the root causes of clients’ emotional pain and suffering is part of my mission. Meeting with a therapist or counselor is a fantastic opportunity to get in touch with your suffering and general discomfort associated with healing emotional pain.  In order to address the underlying trauma, it’s important that you work with a therapist who is both trained in treating trauma and a good fit for your personality. Feeling understood and supported is key to this process.

If you’re reluctant to see a professional, or if professional help is not available, you can still begin to understand the causes of your pain through honestly examining yourself. Look at the people in your life.  Determine who and what is triggering your suffering and take notes.  Keeping track of thoughts and in a journal can help you find patterns.

If you can’t work with a therapist right away, taking stock of what is causing pain is an important first step. Then you can move toward deciding how to heal emotionally.

If you can’t work with a therapist right away, taking stock of what is causing pain is an important first step. Then you can move toward deciding how to heal emotionally.

 Click to tweet

Healing Trauma Tip #2: Practice Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness means being self-aware and present in the current moment. This is key to a peaceful life at any stage, but especially after emotional trauma. There’s a reason why people need to take time off from work and social engagements after a breakup or significant loss. Slowing down allows us to acknowledge and validate our pain and wounded feelings. This is much better than masking it with busy schedules or obligations.

Additionally, because mindfulness aligns you with the power of now, the traumas of your past will slowly begin to have less control over your emotional state. I tell my clients that healing occurs in the present, not by dredging through all of the trauma forever. We may revisit the traumatic moments as a means of releasing the pain and so that the wound can be uncovered.  However, we do not live in the past or stay there for too long. Mindfulness can help retrain your brain to react differently to painful thoughts and memories.

Once you get to the root cause of your pain, you must lean into it and allow yourself to release it. The past only exists in the mind.  Where you once were a victim, you can now choose to be a survivor by focusing on the beautiful opportunities available to you in the present moment. This is what a positive mental healing process involves.

Healing Trauma Tip #3: Practice Patience

Another crucial aspect of emotional healing is patience. We all know that if you pick at a wound, it won’t heal. If you don’t rest a strained muscle, you risk further damage. The same is true of emotional scars. Stop interfering. Give yourself real time to heal.  You cannot put a deadline on your progress. 

The choice to heal emotions can be made at any given moment. However, it may take a significant part of a lifetime to heal deeply rooted suffering. Rushing yourself will only result in more distress. Instead, breathe and continue to encourage yourself. Be proud of every step you are taking towards repairing your mental, emotional, and spiritual wounds. Check out this blog post for how breathwork can help you manage overwhelming emotions, including anxiety.

Are you prepared to heal emotional wounds that are keeping you stuck?

The therapists at Clarity Therapy NYC work with people every day who have experienced various kinds of trauma. They help clients develop a healthier view of themselves, strengthen their relationships, and build a new sense of purpose. As a result, people feel more peaceful, whole, and safe. Are you ready to work toward healing?

Your Turn: What coping methods have you found success with to heal emotional wounds? Share what’s worked for you in the comments below.

Y ears ago, before becoming a therapist, I was a young lawyer working in New York City. At the time, I was commuting from my apartment in Brooklyn to my office in the Bronx. The journey was especially grueling during the evening rush hour. I would break up the trip by stopping at the halfway point to take a yoga class in lower Manhattan. The difference between the crowded subway car’s chaotic environment and the serenity of the yoga studio was striking. My mid-commute yoga class was a powerful reset to my day, and I became relaxed and at ease for the remainder of my evening when before I had felt stressed and exhausted from a long workday.

“Recovering Lawyer”

One of my first yoga teachers was a self-identified “recovering lawyer.” After a long and unhappy career in the corporate world, he left his law practice to study and teach yoga full-time. At the time, the idea of my teacher walking away from his career terrified me. How did he survive financially? What about his student loans? And rent? Could he even afford to have fun? How could someone achieve so much and then walk away from all that hard work and sacrifice? And not just walk away, but choose a career fundamentally different from the law? How was he able to create such dramatic and meaningful change in his life?

Eventually, I came to realize that my fear and confusion were masking an even more terrifying truth — that I too wanted powerful change in my life. However, my journey did not require that I entirely leave the practice of law, although I did eventually return to school and become a psychotherapist. My process began with a simple but powerful acknowledgment that I was unhappy as a lawyer but did not yet know which career would make me happy.

Acknowledging your unhappiness and uncertainty can free you up to make small choices that make you happy.

 Click to tweet

Acknowledging both my unhappiness and my uncertainty freed me to make small choices that did make me happy. I traveled to see friends. I took up the guitar. I went on silent meditation retreats. I became a regular at a new favorite restaurant.

Despite an unhappy career and an uncertain future, I was becoming far better at finding joyful moments in my life. A friend’s mantra that “things have a way of working out perfectly,” no longer sounded delusional and self-indulgent to me. As my days continued to improve, I began to accept the idea that the world around me was friendly and supportive. For the first time, I was centering my life around what intuitively made me happy, instead of assumptions about what might make me happy in the future. Eventually, this simple shift had profound effects and led me to return to school, start a second career, and dramatically reinterpret how I wanted to practice as an attorney.

I’d like to share some of these simple yet profound lessons that I learned and was able to apply to my own journey.

5 Lessons About Change From a Recovering Lawyer:

1. Move away from all or nothing thinking
2. Embrace the whole truth
3. Choose to be guided by pleasure instead of fear
4. Identify what’s in your control when things feel uncertain
5. Acknowledge how your experience of misfortune shifts over time

1. Move away from all-or-nothing thinking

In the world of addiction and twelve step, people often refer to hitting “rock bottom.” Life at its absolute worst is a rare opportunity for change because once life becomes unbearable, the only option is to do the challenging work of sobriety. However, most of us are not living unbearable lives, and we never hit rock bottom. Instead, we stay in our unhappy careers and relationships because we know that although our current situation isn’t great, things could always be worse. Instead of taking action, we stay where we are, and we remain unhappy in our bearable but unsatisfying lives. We stay trapped because we assume our happiness is dependent on deciding whether to stay in the career or leave, stay in the relationship or leave. However, the path toward change does not require us to make such a stark choice and only paralyzes us from moving forward.

Change only requires us to take the next small step toward something that brings us some amount of happiness, excitement, or joy.

 Click to tweet

Change only requires us to take the next small step toward something that brings us some amount of happiness, excitement, or joy. We do ourselves a disservice when we assume change happens quickly and predictably. The recovering lawyer did not wake up one day, quit his job, and become a yoga teacher. His transformation journey began years ago with a small step toward change — enrolling in his first yoga class.

2. Embrace the whole truth

How do we know where to begin? To start, it’s helpful to see the complete picture of our lives. The brain struggles with nuance or paradox. It’s challenging to acknowledge the contradictions that often fill our lives. We may value honesty and also tell white lies. We may love our spouse and also want a divorce. We may hate our jobs, and also enjoy our annual bonus.

Unless we acknowledge the contradictions in our lives, we’re not looking at the whole truth.

 Click to tweet

Our brains evolved to make snap decisions to keep our prehistoric ancestors safe from predators and danger. However, daily life in our modern world is far more complex and nuanced. Unless we acknowledge the contradictions in our lives, we’re not looking at the whole truth. Without this fine lens, our action or inaction may be based on erroneous thinking.

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, we practice embracing contradiction as a helpful starting place for change. By acknowledging that we may both hate our jobs and want our bonus, we learn that staying in the position or leaving will not lead to happiness. Leaving the job satisfies the part of us that hates our job, but staying satisfies the part that wants the bonus. Therefore, we begin to understand that we must start by looking elsewhere for opportunities for positive change.

3. Choose to be guided by pleasure instead of fear

Albert Einstein reportedly said the first and most basic question we must answer for ourselves is whether we live in a friendly universe. Does our world support us in exploring life and our creative pursuits? Or do we live in a hostile universe where safety requires our constant vigilance? Without realizing it, many of us were taught from a young age that the world is far more dangerous than supportive. Not surprisingly, we base our decisions (what we do for a living, who we date, how we parent) on assumptions about what keeps us safe and protected from harm and not on what maximizes our pleasure and joy.

Unfortunately, this often leads to anxiety and depression, and our attempts to guarantee safety come at the direct cost of our freedom. Avoiding a broken heart limits our ability to be vulnerable and deepen our relationships. Avoiding the discomfort that comes with a job interview limits our ability to advance professionally.

What type of universe do you live in? Do you fill your days with pleasure-seeking or risk-avoidant activities?

 Click to tweet

What type of universe do you live in? Do you fill your days with pleasure-seeking or risk-avoidant activities? If you’re unsure, a helpful question to ask is, “Am I having fun?” For example, when you eat delicious food, do you tend to think about the calories and health consequences (fear-based), or do you savor each flavorful bite (pleasure-based)? During your morning shower, do you spend the time anxiously reviewing your daily to-do list, or do you take a few minutes to appreciate a good scalp massage? While it may seem overly simplistic, don’t discount the power of aligning your focus with pleasure. After all, Marie Kondo has built a multi-million dollar business helping others make decisions based on what sparks joy.

4. Identify what’s in your control when things feel uncertain

Although the tradeoff of sacrificing our pleasure for our safety might seem rational, guaranteed safety is an illusion. We may feel immediately better after choosing the “safe” option, but the long-term effect is often detrimental to our happiness and joy.

Although the tradeoff of sacrificing our pleasure for our safety might seem rational, guaranteed safety is an illusion. We may feel immediately better after choosing the ‘safe’ option, but the long-term effect is often detrimental to our happiness and joy.

 Click to tweet

Moreover, the pandemic showed us that it’s not possible to predict the future. Despite our best-laid plans, the world and our lives were turned upside down in an instant. For many of us, the global pandemic revealed that we have far less control over our lives, our plans, others, and our safety than we thought we did. Interestingly enough, the pandemic seemed to permit us to begin to live more authentically. People left unhappy relationships and unsatisfying careers for new paths they’d only daydreamt about.

 For many, it was a welcomed relief to turn down social or family obligations without much guilt or afterthought. Perhaps the perspective of realizing life is often too short and unpredictable forced people to evaluate what they truly wanted. As a result, many people were emboldened to make profound changes. If the pandemic taught us one thing, it’s that we cannot control the future, but we can make small daily choices to live more joyfully in the present moment. 

We cannot control the future, but we can make small daily choices to live more joyfully in the present moment. 

 Click to tweet

5. Acknowledge how your experience of misfortune shifts over time

Many of us have experienced negative life events that, in hindsight, were blessings in disguise. Years after a messy breakup with an ex who broke your heart, you may realize that ending the relationship was the best thing you ever did. Or a missed job opportunity that caused you so much shame and self-doubt was a blessing in disguise due to the lack of support, a dysfunctional team, or any number of reasons.

Often procrastination in writing a paper or working on a project leads to days or even weeks of stress. Yet in the eleventh hour, we may be struck with inspiration where everything falls into place, making the final product far better. This isn’t to discount negative life experiences, but rather a reminder that we often gain a fresh perspective with distance from our problems, and helpful to keep in mind when we’re feeling paralyzed to make a change that feels life-altering. 

The bottom line on change

As humans, we intuitively know what brings us pleasure and joy. By consciously choosing to prioritize happiness, we can live more authentically and strengthen our intuition and creativity. By recognizing what gives us pleasure, we become consciously aware of what is currently causing us displeasure in our lives. Only then do we begin to move toward joy, aligned with our true selves and away from self-doubt, pain, and living a life for others.

Your Turn: What ways have you created meaningful change in your own life? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.

D o you find yourself playing video games more and more as social distancing and quarantines continue?

You’re not alone.

The Entertainment Software Association reports that in 2020, 214.4 million Americans played some type of video game. Furthermore, video games have become a central feature of people’s lives, especially since the start of the pandemic. According to Nielsen Videogame Tracking, the number of people playing video games increased 46% in the United States since the start of the pandemic.

Video games are a wide-ranging artistic medium created using computer software. In today’s world, it is easy to access games with action-adventures, role playing, puzzles, and more. Actually, the device you’re reading this on likely supports some type of video game.

Unveiling the false stereotype

The power of play, especially video games, transcend age, gender, and where we live. The long-held stereotype that only teenage boys play video games is no longer true. According to a 2020 study, more adult women endorse playing video games than children and teenagers under the age of 18.

The benefits of online gaming

Playing video games can be entertaining, but there also can be psychological benefits to picking up the game controller or logging online.

• Online games can help us develop a wide range of skills including spatial awareness and critical thinking. For example, Call of Duty and League of Legends encourage teamwork, decision-making, and communication. The player’s success is contingent on the mastery and communication of the game’s timing and mechanics.

• Video games and online gaming reinforce the playful process. Video games are a form of play, which is closely linked to creativity and education. When we play, we are able to develop and express curiosity and enjoyment. Donald Winnicott suggested that play was a way of reaching a person’s “true self”. This is the most authentic, creative, and vulnerable form of a person’s personality.

How do I know if my gaming has gone too far?

If you’re finding yourself playing more despite your awareness of how it is impacting your work, school, and relationships, it may be time to reassess.

 Click to tweet

Gaming can become a problem when it begins to disrupt your daily life. If you’re finding yourself playing more despite your awareness of how it is impacting your work, school, and relationships, it may be time to reassess.

It’s not uncommon to develop an unhealthy habit of wanting or needing to escape through online gaming or video games. The intense and growing focus on playing games may point to addictive routines that need support to help you find new balance.

Gaming addiction affects individuals of all ages and backgrounds. In fact, The World Health Organization added “gaming disorder” to the section on substance abuse and addictive behaviors in the International Classification of Diseases. There are several indications that you can look for in yourself to know whether your gaming has gone too far. If you are experiencing any of the items listed below, it may be time to seek support.

1. Spending a lot of time thinking about or being preoccupied with gaming

2. Feeling irritable, angry, sad or frustrated when gaming isn’t possible or others express concern about how much time you spend gaming

3. Attempting to control the amount of time you spend gaming. For example, promising a partner or loved one that you’ll spend less time gaming but having difficulty doing so.

4. Losing interest in previous hobbies and entertainment that you used to enjoy because gaming takes up most of your time now

5. Experiencing problems at work, school, or home (such as arriving late repeatedly, procrastinating or missing deadlines, or generally having trouble finishing necessary daily tasks) due to gaming

6. Minimizing the true nature of your gaming with family members, therapists, or others. You may experience feelings of guilt or shame and try to avoid discussion of gaming when others bring it up.

7. Using gaming to escape reality, avoid confronting problems or responsibilities

8. Individuals in your life have may have expressed concern or worry about the amount of time you spend gaming

9. A job, significant relationship, education or career opportunity has been jeopardized or lost, directly or indirectly as a result of gaming

The bottom line

What’s most important is to stay aware of whether the virtual world is taking over your time and your life. This is important because we may be susceptible to using various forms of gaming as an escape during quarantine.

What’s most important is to stay aware of whether the virtual world is taking over your time and your life.

 Click to tweet

You may have been looking for control in online gaming and now realizing it has more control over you than you do it. If you’re feeling like you’re online too often or it’s impacting your life, it’s time to take control and get the support you need to live the life you want. Therapy can help you develop a new healthy and productive relationship with online gaming. With support, it is possible to rebalance and discover a healthier relationship with online gaming.

If you’re not ready to commit to therapy or aren’t sure if your gaming is an issue, resources like Game Quitters is a great place to start. First, take their video game addiction test and then discover helpful tips that can help you quit gaming and begin to find new replacement activities.

You can lean on us and your support network for help. You’re not alone.

Your Turn: Is gaming beginning to disrupt your daily life? How have you found ways to rebalance? I’d love to hear what’s helped you in the comments below.

Imposter syndrome can take many forms. You’re not sure how to start a project, so you put it off. You’re afraid that an email doesn’t convey your competence, so you edit just to delete it later. You compare yourself to others because you need to be the best, so you beat yourself down and dim your inner light. When you ruminate on your mistakes, you also forget every achievement up until this point.

Does this sound familiar? Are you a self-proclaimed workaholic or perfectionist? Have you always been an overachiever? Do you feel at any moment you may be “found out” by your colleagues or team as a fraud?

Imposter syndrome is a nagging doubt in our abilities, talents and achievements despite external proof of our qualifications and success. Imposter syndrome can rob us of our joy, confidence and hold us back in life. The phenomenon can affect anyone, regardless of their success.

Besides to the expectations you have for yourself, those starting a new job or career may have very real pressure to perform. Even executives of well-known companies experience imposter syndrome, like the rest of us.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Phenomenon, refers to high-achieving individuals who are unable to internalize their success. In pop culture, it’s coined “Imposter Syndrome,” yet it is not in fact a syndrome or mental illness. Psychologists recognize that those who feel like imposters experience feelings of inadequacy.  They are also quick to attribute success to luck, rather than their own skill or effort. The phenomenon describes a form of intellectual self doubt coupled with an irrational fear of being found out.

To call it “imposter syndrome” in fact downplays the universality of these experiences. An estimated 70% of people will report experiencing at least one impostorism episode (Clance, 1970). Individuals who identify as LGBTQ+, people of color, and first-generation college grads are disproportionately affected by imposter syndrome.

Below are four signs that you may be experiencing imposter syndrome and what you can do to combat it.

4 Signs of Imposter Syndrome and How to Cope

1. You feel frozen to start a task unless you can do it perfectly
2. Fear of failing is weighing heavily on you
3. You’re afraid of being exposed as a fraud
4. You’re constantly comparing yourself to your colleagues

1. You feel frozen to start a task unless you can do it perfectly.

Refusing to take part in a task unless it’s perfect or not completing a task at all are ways to avoid feeling inadequate. Perfectionism and procrastination are paralyzing, they freeze us from taking necessary action.

Perfectionism and procrastination are paralyzing, they freeze us from taking necessary action.

 Click to tweet

We’re afraid that we don’t deserve the jobs that we worked hard to earn, so we might think “why even try at all?” It’s more comfortable to credit our success to luck than hard work or our innate abilities.

How to cope: Remember that starting is always the most challenging part. Oftentimes, we’ve already catastrophized the failure or negative outcome in our minds. This prevents us from even wanting to start. To combat this, take the smallest first step possible. Whether that’s writing one sentence or organizing the next step. Tell yourself that this is the drafting phase, your first edit. You can always revisit and make improvements, in other words, the task doesn’t have to be in its final form out the gate. Once we get started the momentum is usually enough to help us keep going forward.

2. Fear of failing is weighing heavily on you.

Everyone has to start somewhere, including your colleagues. Sure, they may be ‘experts’ in their field, or have years more experience than you. But they all had a first day on the job where they were the newbie too. Do you always expect perfect performance from your colleagues? Of course not, after all, we’re human. So why do you demand perfection from yourself?

How to cope: It’s just not realistic to expect yourself to perform every task perfectly in a new job role. There’s going to be a learning curve, so give yourself room to grow and make mistakes. Embrace being new. Afterall, this is a period dedicated to growth where mistakes are learning opportunities. A week, a month, six months, and a year from now, you’ll be able to look back and do the things that you weren’t able to do before.

3. You’re afraid of being exposed as a fraud.

Fear of being exposed as fraudulent can create paralyzing anxiety. This fear stems from low self-confidence and parallels the ongoing need to be the best. What’s the evidence that you’re a fraud? After all you were hired because at least one person in a higher position felt you were qualified for the role. So much so that they offered you instead of someone else the opportunity.

Make a point to pay attention to what you’re doing well.

 Click to tweet

How to cope: Make a point to pay attention to what you’re doing well. Keep a folder in your inbox to file away thank you emails and positive feedback. Keep a pocket-sized notebook at your desk to write down positive things you’ve done well. Include even the small or seemingly insignificant things.

Schedule meetings with your mentor or supervisor and ask for constructive feedback. There’s always room for growth, and this is a positive thing. The next time you doubt yourself, you can objectively look back from a higher vantage point and see how far you’ve come.

4. When you’re experiencing imposter syndrome, you’re constantly comparing yourself to your colleagues.

Remember – you’re sitting at your well-deserved seat at the metaphorical table.

 Click to tweet

You’re sitting at your well-deserved seat at the metaphorical table. You look around at your boss and coworkers and feel that everyone around you is so great at what they do that you pale in comparison. When we feel like we don’t measure up to our peers, this can invite nagging feelings of self-doubt and unjustified self-criticism.

How to cope: Identify unique qualities you contribute instead of hyperfocusing on your deficiencies. This can be tough for some people because we’re so used to tearing ourselves down. If this exercise is difficult for you, imagine that you’re having a conversation with a trusted person in your life. Think about what they would name as your redeeming traits. You can also ask your coworkers how you’ve helped them recently. Whether on a particular task or team project, this will allow you to get real-word feedback.

The most surefire way to combat imposter syndrome

When we doubt ourselves behind the closed doors of our office, we believe that we’re alone in thinking that way, because no one else is voicing their doubts. The most surefire way to combat imposter syndrome is to talk about it. In doing so you bring your fears into the world and in doing so this takes away some of their power.

By being vulnerable, you open yourself up to receiving authentic support.

 Click to tweet

By sharing them with a trusted confidant you also create space for a reality check. This opens an opportunity for others to relate to your experience and share how they coped. By being vulnerable, you open yourself up to receiving authentic support.

For many, opening up about a fear of failure with those in our lives may not feel like a good option for different reasons. In this case, connecting with a therapist may be the route to go. Speaking with an unbiased individual in a judgement-free zone in and of itself is immensely therapeutic. A therapist has the experience to help individuals successfully work through the negative feelings related to imposter syndrome. For example, individuals learn necessary tools to challenge negative self-talk and self-defeating behaviors. In a supportive environment, therapists also help individuals free themselves from anxiety, self-doubt and judgement. Individuals experience newfound confidence and are able to finally celebrate their achievements and successes.

Your Turn: What ways have you found to combat imposter syndrome? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.

Self-love is a term that has gained more and more traction in recent years, and for good reason. Self-love is a beautiful and vital practice available to each and every one of us at every juncture in our lives, but I find that the general understanding on the topic needs to be expanded upon. Oftentimes, the discussion on self-love is conflated with self-care, another important but distinct concept.

What is the difference between self-love and self-care?

Self-care encompasses any and all of the practices you might do to relax, recharge, or release—taking a bubble bath, curling up with a good book, or going for a run to let off some steam are all examples of self-care activities. Self-love, on the other hand, is a broader, more expansive concept which includes several different practices, only one of which manifests as self-care. In other words, while self-care is beautiful, there is more to loving yourself than taking baths and working out.

Self-love is the ongoing practice of developing a healthy and compassionate relationship with oneself. Self-care, accountability, discipline, self-forgiveness, and confidence are all practices which fall under the larger umbrella of self-love.

Self-love isn’t just something that happens to us

To truly love yourself requires intentional effort and affirmation. Contrary to popular belief, self-love can be messy; it includes all the tough work of being vulnerable, getting to the root causes of our pain and misery, and forgiving ourselves for perceived shortcomings and mistakes.

The wonderful thing is, self-love is available to every one of us. In fact, we are all pure love and light at the cores of our being. No one is born with pain and suffering—we are all born beacons of light and possibility. As we age, however, we pick up burdens and scars from life that can push us further and further away from that original loving essence.

Over time, we start to identify ourselves with our suffering, forgetting that that inner child that lives within was never meant to live that way. On the contrary, self-love is both your origin and your birthright, and you can return no matter how far you think you’ve strayed.

3 ways to practice self-love and build compassion for self:

1. Encourage yourself intentionally
2. Hold yourself in high regard
3. Get to know yourself

Tip 1. Encourage yourself like you would encourage a child

When babies are born, we never peer into the crib and imagine all the failures and mistakes they’ll go on to make. We raise children to believe in themselves, to dream big, and to try, try again when they fall. As adults, we need the same kind of encouragement and reassurance, but we must give it to ourselves!

The next time you find yourself beating yourself up over a mistake or dwelling on a missed opportunity, imagine you are talking to the five-year-old you. What would you say to make that little girl or guy keep going? Nurture your inner child so that the adult you can thrive.

Self-love is the ongoing practice of developing a healthy and compassionate relationship with oneself.

Tip 2. Hold yourself to the same standards of love that you hold others

For the most part, we can all recognize unhealthy behaviors when they come from romantic partners—lying, cheating, breaking commitments and promises. So, why do we accept this behavior from ourselves?

Self-love means holding yourself accountable and honoring yourself by following through on the commitments you make.

Demand the same respect from yourself that you’d demand of a partner. You wouldn’t date someone who puts you down or emotionally abuses you, so don’t do those things to yourself. How do you expect your mind to be a safe place if you constantly feed it negative thoughts of self-doubt and misery? How do you expect your body to know you care for it if you constantly pick it apart in the mirror, or neglect it with poor diet and exercise habits?

Self-love means examining your actions to make sure they’re in alignment with the vision you have for yourself. Some good questions to ask are, “am I honoring the commitments I’ve made to improve my life?” “Am I being true to the promises I made?” “Am I a good partner to myself?”

Tip 3. Make an effort to get to know yourself more deeply

How often have we been stumped when someone says, “so tell me about yourself”? The truth is we spend so much of our lives consuming and reflecting other people’s energies that it can be hard to distinguish who we really are when we’re not being stimulated by outside people or events. But just as you would take the time to get to know someone before you commit to them, you must take the time to get to know yourself.  

When I say get to know yourself, I mean beyond your favorite foods or TV shows. I mean, do you know what makes you tick? Do you know what your passions are, your insecurities? Have you uncovered the pain behind the baggage you carry? Have you learned how to forgive yourself and others?

To gain some clarity on these questions I recommend integrating mindfulness practices into your routine, and seeking assistance with yourself work through therapy.

Self-love and compassion starts with you

Seeking affirmative therapy services is an excellent example of practicing self-love. It shows an acknowledgment of where your life can be improved, and a commitment to bettering your self-image and subsequently, your life circumstances.

It is important to note that loving yourself doesn’t mean feeling perfect or awesome all the time.

On the contrary, loving yourself means reminding yourself that you are still light and love, even and especially when you don’t feel that way. It’s accepting and embracing yourself in all forms, at all stages, and taking steps to evolve in healthy and productive ways.

Your Turn: Are you embarking on a self-love journey? Perhaps you have had success building self-compassion through other tips? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Sometimes, no matter how much we love or connect with a person, it can prove difficult to maintain a connection that endures all. Obstacles, differences of opinion, and unexpected life circumstances inevitably crop up and put our relationships to the test. In these moments we are shown the importance of practicing empathy as a way to relate to others and strengthen our relationships.

What is empathy?

Empathy forges true human connection through the suspension of judgement in order to relate to another person with genuine support, compassion, and understanding.

Oftentimes, people offer understanding that is only surface-level. This may be because we struggle to comprehend circumstances, feelings, or perceptions outside of our own inner experiences. This can translate into support that is well-meaning, but feels hollow to the receiver. We say things like, “cheer up,” or “I hope you feel better,” and while we may mean them earnestly, they do little to make the other person feel truly understood or consoled.

This can be a point of conflict in different types of relationships including those that are romantic, platonic, and familial. When we attempt to offer support without exercising true empathy, our good intentions often unfold into undesirable outcomes such as pity, condescension, or the desire to “fix” others. Only empathy enables us to offer true support to those we care about most.

How to practice empathy:

Below, find some ways you can begin to practice empathy as a way to enrich your relationships and sharpen your interpersonal skills.

1. Listen to Understand
2. Leave Judgement at the Door
3. Ask Questions
4. Validate Thoughts and Feelings
5. Practice on Yourself

1. Listen to understand. Avoid giving advice or trying to “fix”

One of the most empathetic things you can do is to listen and say, ‘I hear you. I understand why you would feel that way.’

 Click to tweet

2. Leave judgement at the door

A true key to empathizing is to refrain from judgement. This doesn’t mean that you must always agree with the other person’s viewpoint. If you find yourself in disagreement when listening to a frustrated friend or loved one, pause and try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Intently listening to someone else’s life experience without judgment can help develop an understanding only empathy can create.

 Click to tweet

Remember that they are a unique person with a unique set of life experiences that have led up to this moment (and their current interpretation of the situation). Understand that they are not obligated to feel, see, or understand things the same exact way that you would, but their pain is real, nonetheless.

Intently listening to someone else’s life experience without judgment can help develop an understanding only empathy can create. It helps one to see the world from beyond his or her perspective.

It can also help you become more imaginative about how to manage your own challenges, as you attempt to put yourself in another’s position.

3. Ask questions

Try asking a question that prompts the other person to feel heard. “I see, and how does that make you feel?” “That’s awful. Is there anything at all I can do to help?” Something as simple as this lets the person know that they have been heard, and that you’re there for them. Asking a question also allows the other person to take a brief break from any emotional struggle to reflect upon what exactly they may need in that moment.

4. Validate the other person’s thoughts and feelings

Being empathetic requires you to go outside of yourself and be of genuine service to someone. It’s comfortable and reassuring for us to know that we’re not alone, that your feelings have merit, and that you’re not “crazy,” despite how you may feel.

When empathizing with someone, it’s very helpful to validate the way that they might be feeling. Try saying something like, “I understand,” or, “It’s natural to feel that way sometimes. You’ll get through this.”

Offering words of encouragement or comfort go a long way to making others feel genuinely uplifted.

5. Practice having empathy for yourself

Before we can extend empathy to others, it’s key that we learn how to be empathetic with ourselves. As we develop compassion and patience for ourselves – our perceived flaws, mistakes, and shortcomings – we grow to become more tolerant of imperfection in others.

Empathy strips away judgement and bridges the gap between us with love.

The more we work on loving ourselves unconditionally, the more easily we can extend that pure love to the next person. Practicing with daily affirmations is another powerful way to practice empathy with yourself that will positively impact your interactions with family members, friends, partners, and even strangers.

Empathy strips away judgement and bridges the gap between us with love.

 Click to tweet

Remember, when someone chooses to share a bit of their hardships with you, they are giving you a gift of their trust and vulnerability. The best way to honor that gift is to come to the table with an open heart and open mind.

Practicing empathy allows you to contribute to a better and brighter communal pool of human energy.

Your Turn: How has practicing empathy improved your communication or relationships? How do you practice empathy with yourself? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.

We say that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, but do we honestly believe it? Our thoughts – the beliefs we hold about ourselves and others – are what guide our feelings, shape our behaviors, and influence how we experience the world.

It is your birthright to be happy and comfortable in your skin, and the only way you can get there is by being aware of your thought patterns and disrupting negative narratives.

What is a negative narrative?

Negative narratives are the bad stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. They are the hyper-critical self-talk that plays on a loop in our heads: “I’m not good enough.” “I never do anything right.” “I’m a failure.”

It’s a fact that all humans make mistakes. So why do we hold on so tightly to our pasts? When we cling to negative self-talk we unconsciously take our mistakes along with us on our life journey.

When faced with circumstances that remind us of the baggage we’ve been lugging around, we repeat the sad story and prevent ourselves from intentionally learning from the past and living fully in the moment. By reliving the errors we once made, we force new life experiences into the confinements of the past. 

When we cling to negative self-talk we unconsciously take our mistakes along on our life journey.

 Click to tweet

Living this way seems safe because it’s familiar – some of us have been repeating the same narrative for years – but we need to allow ourselves the opportunity to participate in new, positive experiences where we can display our growth and evolution.

Let go of your old, oppressive stories and allow yourself to be light with forgiveness and understanding.

So how can we change our negative self-talk?

Change happens through daily practice. Every day, practice focusing on identifying something that you are grateful for, something you are excited about and something that makes you happy. Practicing mindfulness and uplifting thoughts can help to change the nagging, negative narratives that pop up when life or people disappoint us.

Include daily reminders like, “The Universe is conspiring for you” and “You’re doing great, give thanks” in your Google calendar or your phone. You can even post uplifting reminders on your bedroom wall or bathroom mirror, so you’re confronted with positivity first thing in the morning.

We never know when we’ll be faced with problems, so having daily reminders of our greatness can help realign our thoughts on hard days.

Self-awareness is key for disrupting negative self-talk

Understanding you have the power to control your mind can be life-changing.  Click to tweet

The life-changing power of choice

Life isn’t perfect, but we have the power to decide what we focus on and what we think about.  This power can change any undesirable situation into a lesson to propel you forward towards your best life.

Believe in the power of choice – your beliefs guide your life, so decide to believe that you are in control. You have the ability to choose how you will react in any circumstance. Decide that once the adverse situation has passed or been resolved, you don’t have to relive it anymore. You are given the opportunity to access new insightful experiences every day.

Use your power for good and watch your life transform.

Your Turn: How do you combat negative-self talk? What strategies have been successful for you? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below. 

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.