Living in a neurotypical world can be challenging for individuals with ADHD. The expectations, social implicit rules, and tasks often don’t align with the unique functioning of a neurodivergent brain. However, being neurodivergent doesn’t equal inferior. In this blog, we’ll explore the ADHD experience and discuss strategies, treatments, and therapies that can help individuals with ADHD navigate their difficulties and improve their quality of life.

Rewiring Perspectives: Empowering Neurodivergence in a Neurotypical World

Throughout my experience working with people that suffer from ADHD I often witness a very interesting evolution. The range of individual experiences can be vast. Individuals often share an initial intense frustration with symptoms and even ambivalence towards seeking help.

For many with ADHD, motivation can be a primary concern. There’s typically a disconnect between what people know they should do vs what they actually want to do. Does this sound familiar to you at all?

For many with ADHD, motivation can be a primary concern.

However, as we work together on changing how one approaches symptoms, you’ll be able to develop a more nuanced understanding of yourself. As a result, many people I work with share that they experience less frustration and a better appreciation of their contribution to the world. Additionally, they often report that they’re able to better manage difficulties that arise and speak less critically to themselves, simultaneously improving their self-esteem.

For the last 20 years, I have really enjoyed acting as a guide in this process for individuals who are struggling with managing ADHD. My wish is to help you find balance and harmony in your life, whatever that may look like.

What is it like being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world?

For a neurotypical individual, grasping the lived experience of someone with ADHD may be difficult. It’s important to recognize that everyone’s experience with ADHD is different, and my purpose here is to shed light on the pain points and complexities that individuals with ADHD may face in their daily lives.

The below illustrations aim to portray some of the unique challenges individuals with ADHD may encounter, including general experiences I’ve witnessed in my own clinical work:

The ADHD Experience: Understanding the Unique Challenges of ADHD in Various Life Areas

1. Sarah, a college student:
Sarah struggles with time perception. Despite setting multiple alarms and reminders, she consistently underestimates the time needed to complete assignments. She finds herself frequently rushing to finish projects at the last minute, affecting the quality of her work and causing heightened stress.

2. Alex, a professional in a fast-paced job:
Alex experiences difficulties with task switching and maintaining focus in a fast-paced work environment. Despite being highly knowledgeable and capable, their struggle to stay on track during meetings and prioritize tasks hinders their ability to perform at their full potential, leading to missed opportunities and feelings of frustration.

3. Maria, a parent with ADHD:
Maria faces challenges with organization and time management while juggling multiple responsibilities. She often forgets important dates, such as parent-teacher meetings and doctor’s appointments for her children. Balancing work, household tasks, and parenting becomes overwhelming, impacting her overall well-being and causing heightened stress.

4. Michael, a teenager with ADHD:
Michael encounters social challenges. He frequently misreads social cues and struggles to maintain appropriate social interactions. He often interrupts others unintentionally or struggles to gauge when it’s his turn to speak. This leads to misunderstandings and difficulties forming and maintaining friendships, leaving Michael feeling socially isolated and misunderstood.

5. Jade, a professional writer:
Jade grapples with the inability to harness hyperfocus effectively. While her intense focus on writing can be an asset, she often becomes so engrossed in her work that she loses track of time and neglects other important responsibilities. This inconsistency leads to a lack of balance in her life, impacting personal relationships and overall well-being.

Many people may be able to identify with certain aspects of the above case studies. It’s important to recognize that experiencing occasional difficulties with concentration can be influenced by various factors such as stress, fatigue, or distractions. However, in ADHD, symptoms persist over an extended period of time and are often accompanied by impairments in academic or occupational performance, relationships, and overall quality of life.

If you do find that these difficulties with concentration are consistently affecting your ability to function and thrive in various areas of your life, it may be helpful to consult with a qualified professional for ADHD testing. They’lll consider various factors like personal history, symptom severity, and the impact on daily functioning before making a diagnosis.

How to Accept and Understand an ADHD Diagnosis

Upon receiving an ADHD diagnosis, it’s important to prioritize self-understanding over self-criticism. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation but rather understanding that your unique brain is functioning and finding ways to navigate your challenges differently. Acceptance allows you to better understand your unique experiences, challenges, and strengths, providing a framework for self-awareness and making sense of your behaviors and thought patterns.

Better understanding the characteristics of an ADHD diagnosis can empower you to seek appropriate support. This includes strategies for managing ADHD-related symptoms, and accessing specialized treatment with the help of professionals who understand the nuances of this condition. Ultimately, by learning more about ADHD and exploring effective strategies, individuals with ADHD can better facilitate their lives and improve their overall well-being.

If you’re struggling with acceptance or self-doubt, know that you’re not alone. In my previous post, Coping with ADHD as an Adult and How Therapy can Help, we dive into the various ways therapy can nurture and support you in this process.

Functional Impairment and its Effects

ADHD can impact various areas of a person’s life, including social, employment, financial, and educational domains. The level of impairment varies among individuals, but it can significantly influence self-image and mood. Frustration and feelings of incapability may arise when simple tasks become challenging or career opportunities are missed due to prolonged and tedious processes. This chain of effects can ultimately result in low self-esteem and dissatisfaction with life.

Acceptance allows you to better understand your unique experiences, challenges, and strengths, providing a framework for self-awareness and making sense of your behaviors and thought patterns.

How to Manage ADHD Symptoms

However, the negative effects of ADHD can be addressed through changing one’s perspective and seeking evidence-based treatments. While psychopharmacology (medication) is widely used in ADHD treatment, it may not be suitable for everyone. Additionally, it primarily addresses symptoms without providing coping skills or emotional support.

An alternative to medication is neurofeedback, a therapeutic technique that modulates brain function to alleviate symptoms effectively. Neurofeedback has shown comparable effectiveness to medication and surpasses cognitive behavioral therapy in treating ADHD core symptoms. Moreover, coaching, which follows a cognitive-behavioral approach, can help individuals improve their lives through the development of routines, self-awareness, and coping strategies tailored to the individual’s unique situation.

The Role of Psychotherapy in ADHD Treatment

Psychotherapy plays a crucial role in ADHD treatment, providing emotional support and addressing every aspect of the individual. By exploring the effects of ADHD on identity, identifying strengths, and improving self-perception, individuals can reduce emotional intensity, improve anxiety management, and regain control over their lives. Psychotherapy also aids in organizing time, processing past and current stressors, and ultimately leading a more fulfilling life.

My wish is to help you uncover your strengths and become a more active participant of your life’s goals, leading to a sense of empowerment and improved self-understanding.

Constant Evolution and Self-Awareness

As human beings,we evolve and our mental health and ADHD symptoms can change over time. Factors such as aging and external influences contribute to these changes. It is crucial to maintain self-awareness and adapt to our evolving needs by making necessary adjustments in treatment approaches. Taking perspective and avoiding focusing only on our difficulties can help us embrace our unique functioning and emphasize its advantages, leading to contentment, serenity, and pride in who we are.

A Therapeutic Toolbox: Unlocking the Secrets to an Empowered ADHD Life

Living with ADHD in a neurotypical world can present challenges, but with the right approach and understanding, individuals with ADHD also thrive. By prioritizing self-understanding, exploring evidence-based treatments, and engaging in psychotherapy, individuals can significantly improve their quality of life. Remember, accepting your neurodivergent characteristics can empower you to embrace your uniqueness and lead a fulfilling life.

Learn more about ADHD testing services at Clarity, or book a complimentary consultation to speak with a professional to explore which treatment options are right for you.

D o you ever find it difficult to say “no”? Are you so worried about upsetting other people that your needs go unmet? You may often feel like it’s your job to make everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many of us have a fear of displeasing others, and this fear may be so deeply rooted that we don’t realize how harmful it can be to our health and happiness.

People pleasing is a theme that often comes up with clients in our therapy sessions. I’ve often had clients share, whether it was at work, with friends, or in romantic relationships, they would say “yes” when they really wanted to say “no.” Perhaps you can relate to this common experience. Maybe you find yourself doing things that aren’t enjoyable or healthy, just because other people expect you to, or because it makes them happy.

And let’s face facts: We all have some of this in us. However, being too nice and accommodating others can ultimately lead to burnout—and not just physical exhaustion but an emotional exhaustion due to feeling stretched too thin and underappreciated by others. If this rings true for you, maybe it’s worth taking a step back to examine some of these behaviors.

Do you know how to tell if you’re a people pleaser? In this blog post we’ll look at some key signs and behavior patterns that could indicate that you have people pleasing tendencies, and what to do about it.

How to tell if you’re a people pleaser: common signs

1. You often feel responsible for making everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many people feel pressure to make others happy, and for good reason. We’re living in a society where we’re encouraged to take care of each other, and that means being there when someone needs us and making sure that they feel loved and cared for. This may come in the form of obvious pressure from your boss, partner, or family members, or more subtle, unspoken norms that you feel you need to live up to.

One way to tell if you’re a people pleaser can look like an extreme preoccupation with other people’s moods. For example, instead of enjoying the party you’re hosting, perhaps you’re overly concerned about others having a good time, and spend your time hyper-focused on being the perfect host. To an extent, this is normal and may make you a great party planner and all-around conscientious person. However, if anxiety about others enjoying themselves prevents you from being present enough to enjoy your own party, it may be a sign of people pleasing.

Feeling overly responsible for others can also leave you feeling like you’re constantly on duty—you may feel like you have to be there for everyone else, all the time. And when you put so much pressure on yourself to be available for others, it can become difficult to honor your own emotions or deal with your own problems without feeling guilty or like you’re letting someone else down. 

2. You feel guilty when you say no.

3. You often feel like you need to be liked by everyone.

It’s natural and normal to want to be liked by others. However, people pleasers often struggle with this above and beyond what’s healthy. Some people may feel like they need to be liked by everyone in order to be accepted and included in a certain group or social circle. You may feel like you must be liked by everyone because deep down, even unconsciously, you experience nagging feelings of inadequacy, or not feeling good enough as you are. 

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks however, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as well as feelings of guilt or shame when you don’t meet the expectations of others. Additionally, it can lead to you feeling like you can’t make decisions for yourself or that you need to please everyone. 

Here are a few ways you can shift your focus internally if you find yourself seeking external validation:

• • Take time to practice self-care and self-compassion. 

  • Remind yourself of your worth and values. 

  • Practice positive affirmations and self-talk.

  • Accept yourself as a unique individual and recognize your strengths.

  • Focus on developing meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and trust.

  • Set clear boundaries with others and be assertive when necessary.

  • Create achievable goals and celebrate accomplishments.

  • Prioritize your own needs and feelings over those of others.

4. You’re overly worried about what other people will think of you.

If you’re a people pleaser, then you’re probably concerned about what other people will think of you. You might be worried about what they’ll think of your choices and actions, or if they’ll like what you have to say. You also might feel like an impostor around certain groups or individuals because they make such an effortless impression on others–and this makes it difficult for them to see who they truly are behind their masks (or chameleons).

You aren’t your authentic self because you’re afraid you won’t be accepted for who you truly are. Furthermore, you may even find yourself going above and beyond your physical, emotional, or financial means to please others, even if it means sacrificing your own wellbeing. Do any of these things resonate with you?

5. You often find yourself in situations where you are over-rehearsed and overexcited, trying to make a good impression on others.

You try to be the best version of yourself for other people. You want them to like you and think that you’re interesting and fun, smart, a good person and a good listener. Again, this is normal behavior to an extent, so it’s up to you to decide where you fall in terms of people-pleasing. For example, do you find you’re often preoccupied or over-rehearsed for conversations because you want everything that comes out of your mouth to be perfect?

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people.

Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser may be that you find yourself rehearsing what people could ask or say next so that there is no awkward silence or confusion about what’s going on in their heads at any given moment during conversation with you.

A common example may be during a job interview. The people pleaser is so over-rehearsed and over excited that they start talking too much, giving too much detail and trying to prove their worth to the employer. Responses may seem canned and unnatural, as if the person has memorized a script versus responding authentically. They may also come across as too eager to please, agreeing to anything the employer suggests and not expressing their own opinion. Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser could look like dressing or presenting yourself in a way that doesn’t feel authentic in order to ensure you appeal to a certain person, audience, or group of people.

How can I stop being a people pleaser and build confidence?

So, you identify with some (or all) of the above behavior patterns of people-pleasing. This is a positive thing! The first step to transformative behavior change is recognizing the patterns that no longer serve you. Now that you recognize some of the behaviors causing you grief, here are some positive actions you can take:

1. Learn how to set effective boundaries: The first step in learning how to stop being a people pleaser is to set effective boundaries. As mentioned above, this can often take a bit of practice as you learn to say no to requests and expectations that go beyond what you’re willing to do. It can be pretty comfortable at first, and that’s okay!

2. Know your values: Knowing your values will help you to make decisions that are right for you. When you know what is important to you, it will be easier to say no to those requests that don’t fit with your values. Take a moment to uncover your values and get to the heart of who you are.

3. Focus on yourself: As we touched on, people pleasing can sometimes stem from a lack of self-esteem. Focusing on your own needs and interests rather than trying to please others can help shift your focus internally. This includes learning how to acknowledge your own emotions and feelings and be mindful of them, as well as prioritizing your own needs and interests over those of others.

4. Practice self-care: Take time to focus on yourself, your feelings and needs. Creating a sustainable self-care practice you enjoy can help alleviate stress, and improve your self-esteem and confidence.

5. Build your self-confidence: Build your self-confidence by setting small goals that you can achieve and then praising yourself for your successes. Check out 9 tips for boosting your self confidence.

6. Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend or family member, and others who identify as people pleasers can help you to gain the confidence to examine your behaviors and stop people-pleasing. Read lessons learned from recovering people pleasers, and connect with like minded individuals.

7. Practice makes perfect: Visualize and practice the things that are challenging for you. For example, you might practice saying no to someone and work through what comes up. Making a game plan and practicing your approach with a trusted friend or therapist can help you gain confidence in these new skills and work through uncomfortable feelings that may arise. Check out PsychCentral’s guilt-free guide to saying no.

So, you can tell you’re a people pleaser. What’s next?

People pleasing behaviors can be hard to break out of and can impact your wellbeing, sense of self, and lead to burnout. It can take time to learn how to set healthy boundaries, build confidence, and stop looking to others for validation and approval. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you’re not alone and you don’t have to stay stuck in a pattern of behaviors that feel self-defeating. 

Therapy can help you become aware of your triggers and behavior patterns, recognize when you’re people pleasing, and work on developing and practicing healthier behaviors. With the help from a trusted professional and along with self-reflection, you can learn to become more confident, live more authentically, and foster relationships that are genuine, reciprocal and fulfilling. If you’re interested in learning more, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

If you’re not ready to start therapy, there are other steps you can take, too. Along with the positive behaviors outlined above, self-help books on the topic can be immensely enlightening as well. Best wishes on your journey of self-exploration, wherever it may take you. 

Your Turn: Do you identify with any of the people-pleasing qualities listed above? What’s helped you break free from behaviors that don’t serve you? Share your experience in the comments below.

Non-monogamous relationships have undeniably become more visible recently. From television and movies beginning to feature non-monogamous characters, to social media accounts specifically speaking to different relationship structures, the conversation about options beyond monogamy has become increasingly common and normalized.

Despite growing awareness and acceptance of relationships outside of monogamy, we are still often confronted with skepticism, moral judgment, and the belief that only monogamous relationships are valid. Unfortunately, these ideas can and do show up among therapists as well.

There can be a world of difference between working with a therapist who merely tolerates or acknowledges the range of relationship structures, and one who is truly affirming, making it all the more essential to find someone who will be supportive of your choices.

Polyamory and Other Non-Monogamous Relationships

For the uninitiated, non-monogamy is an umbrella term that refers to having relationships with more than one person. These relationships may be anonymous, long-standing, physical, sexual, emotional, romantic, and more. Polyamory, referring to romantic or emotional relationships with more than one person, is just one example and can look many different ways depending on the people involved. 

Why Is Seeking a Therapist Affirming of Polyamory a Good Idea?

Although non-monogamous relationships can be immensely fulfilling, they can also come with unique challenges. Therapy is an opportunity to reflect on these challenges and your relationships, in addition to concerns unrelated to non-monogamy, in a safer space with someone dedicated to centering you and your experiences.

There can be a world of difference between working with a therapist who merely tolerates or acknowledges the range of relationship structures, and one who is truly affirming.

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Creating this space is in part contingent on working with someone who recognizes the value of various relationship styles and will not try to discourage or pathologize you for choosing something other than monogamy.

I’m Daniel Rich, a licensed sex-positive psychotherapist, and one of my specialties is working with non-monogamous individuals, whether they’ve only recently become curious about expanding their relationships or have years of experience. I believe the most valid relationship style and structure is the one that is fulfilling and supportive for you.

A therapist affirming of polyamory and non-monogamy can offer support in navigating:

Establishing Boundaries

Openly discussing the boundaries you and your partners want to set for your relationships can be an important ingredient for success, as is regularly revisiting these boundaries to ensure they are still working well for everyone involved. Those who are new to non-monogamy, are thinking of forming new partnerships, or are interested in changing their relationship dynamics may benefit from discussing these topics with a therapist. 

Understanding Jealousy

The most valid relationship style and structure is the one that is fulfilling and supportive for you.

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Improving Communication

There is a joke that instead of having more sex than monogamous people (as is the stereotype), polyamorous people have a lot more conversations – and it’s true! Conversations around plans, expectations, and boundaries play a role in all relationships, but become particularly important when multiple partners are involved. Most of us aren’t born knowing how to effectively communicate our needs, though, which is where therapy can help. Identifying what we want to say and how we can say it can go a long way in strengthening our relationships.

Exploring the Self

In addition to those with experience in non-monogamy, therapy can also benefit those who are curious about or new to stepping outside the limits of monogamy. It can be a place for exploring what interests you, any fears or hesitations, and what your ideal relationship situation would be. 

How To Choose the Right Polyamory-Affirming Therapist

After deciding you would like to start therapy, finding a therapist who is accessible and a good fit can be a daunting task. This is especially true when looking for a therapist who will be affirming of the relationships you’ve chosen. So, how to find the right therapist for you?

Online Searches and Directories

At Clarity Therapy, we offer a free and confidential therapist matching questionnaire that will connect you with therapists based on your needs and preferences. All our therapists offer free phone consultations so you have an opportunity to connect with them before committing to therapy.

A great first step in looking for a therapist can be using online directories that allow you to search by keyword or offer various search filters, such as Psychology Today, Manhattan Alternative, and Inclusive Therapists. Therapist profiles typically include information like their education, experience, and areas of focus. Experience with sex therapy, relationship counseling, or working with the LGBTQIA+ community is often a good sign that a therapist will be knowledgeable and affirming of non-monogamous relationships.

You can also do an online for “polyamory therapist,” “non-monogamy therapist,” etc. + your city or zip code.

Questions to Ask when Looking for a Polyamory-Affirming Therapist

Once you have a few potential therapists in mind, schedule a consultation with them to make sure you’re a good fit and ask any questions you might have. Potential questions to help determine if someone will be affirming of non-monogamy might include:

• How much do you know about non-monogamy or polyamory?

• What are your thoughts on non-monogamous relationships?

• What is your experience working with clients in non-monogamous relationships?

• Do you have any personal experience with non-monogamy? (not all therapists will be comfortable answering this question, which is ok! therapists have boundaries too)

Choose the One You Trust

Research has consistently shown that the most important factor in determining the outcome of therapy isn’t the therapeutic style, experience level, or background of the therapist, but rather the relationship between client and therapist. Choose the therapist that feels safe, trustworthy, and helps you feel understood.

If you’re in a polyamorous relationship or are exploring non-monogamy, our qualified team of therapists can help you navigate your relationship style. Whenever you’re ready to take the next step, reach out and share your preferences on our therapist matching questionnaire so that we can make personalized recommendations. We would love to hear from you.

Your Turn: What’s important to you in a therapist when considering your relationship style? What’s your experience been like in your search for a supportive  therapist? Sound off in the comments below.

No matter where on the spectrum your family falls from wonderful to awful, going home for the holidays is more complicated for most than all joy, merriment, and lights. Even as adults, stepping back into in-person family dynamics can make us feel like a kid again, including all the unpleasant parts. If this is you, know that you’re not alone.

In my experience as a therapist supporting clients with family relationship challenges, it’s common for clients to feel ambivalent or anxious when anticipating family time. Particularly during this time of year, my sessions with clients often focus on exploring together where they have some control to support themselves as they prepare for their time ahead with family. In this post, I want to share a few great ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays this year.

6 ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays:

1. Manage your expectations

Mom is still mom and Uncle Joe is still Uncle Joe. Your sister will still run late, and your brother won’t get you a gift.  In short, everyone will still be themselves, and your family will still be your family.  Even more so as they, too, try to manage the stress and expectations of this time of year.

It may be helpful to remind yourself of this as you plan to travel home.  A useful mantra might be, “My holiday will be just another day(s) in my relationships, even if it’s tricked out in lights.” Keeping this in mind may help you better manage surprise and disappointment.

2. Your feelings are tools.

If you’ve ever been to therapy, you may have heard the expression that “feelings aren’t facts.” However, you can use your feelings as support. Your feelings can give you information about what you need. Gather information about your needs and check in with yourself from time to time. Examining your feelings objectively and anticipating them can also help you feel more grounded and in control.

Examining your feelings objectively and anticipating them can also help you feel more grounded and in control.

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For example, Are you feeling angry anticipating your grandmother and aunts asking if you are seeing anyone? Prepare a one-liner to have on hand in response. Are you feeling anxious about spending so much time with your brother? Consider planning a trip home for 3 days instead of the 6 days you had planned; Set a time to walk with a friend out of the house ahead of time. Are you worried about feeling bad in your body with all of the heavy cooking? Plan to bring some prepared food for yourself that you know feels good in your body.

3. “I’m going for a walk now”

Setting boundaries is one of the great ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays. They’re also some of the most empowering tools at your disposal to honor yourself and your relationships. Boundaries can look like physical space—going for an errand out of the home, spending time in your room, staying in the basement or a hotel, or removing yourself from the conversation if the subject matter is triggering.

They can also look like telling others what you’ll do to maintain your emotional and physical wellbeing. These may include things like;“I  will be bringing one present for everyone as this is what I can comfortably afford,” or “I have to leave the day after Christmas,” or “Please don’t use this pronoun with me.” 

Note: If you feel physically or emotionally unsafe with your family, more extreme boundaries are an option to you, such as choosing to not go home at all or to leave early.

4. Yes, it’s really okay to go for a walk now, no matter what Aunt Paula says.

Setting boundaries is one of the most empowering tools at your disposal to take care of yourself and your relationships.

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5. Be kind to yourself

This is a complex time of year.  Families are complicated.  In the spirit of generosity, practice some with yourself, too.  Try telling yourself: “This is hard,” “I deserve to take care of myself,” or “I’m doing my best.”  One of the ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays is by being your best ally.

Being your own best ally can look like taking basic care of your needs like making sure that you are getting enough quality sleep, eating nourishing foods, and moving your body in joyful ways. Or explore a supportive habit like meditation, breathing, or journaling to manage stress.

6. Call in the reserves

When immediate family members feel tough, overwhelming, or limited, call in the reserves. Get creative. Who is available to support you with some of your experience?  Who can help you get out of your head or feel more grounded for a while? Maybe this looks like one particular ally in your family, or some friends in your hometown with whom you can make plans. Can you set a Facetime with your partner?  If you have a therapist, can you set a plan of support with them?  If you don’t have a trusted therapist, consider reaching out to find one. Follow a therapist or other accounts on Instagram that feel affirming. If you’ve decided not to go home for the holidays, where can you access your chosen family?

The Bottom Line

Setting boundaries and practicing these techniques may feel uncomfortable at first. It’s completely normal to get some pushback, especially if you’ve never set boundaries with family, friends, or loved ones before.

But with these helpful tools and strategies, my wish is that you’ll feel more self-assured and equipped to honor your own needs in any family holiday environment. As you search for gifts, also search for choices, tools, and supports available to you before you head home this year. You’ve got this.

Your Turn: What ways do you take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays? Share what’s worked in the comments below.

D o you find yourself playing video games more and more as social distancing and quarantines continue?

You’re not alone.

The Entertainment Software Association reports that in 2020, 214.4 million Americans played some type of video game. Furthermore, video games have become a central feature of people’s lives, especially since the start of the pandemic. According to Nielsen Videogame Tracking, the number of people playing video games increased 46% in the United States since the start of the pandemic.

Video games are a wide-ranging artistic medium created using computer software. In today’s world, it is easy to access games with action-adventures, role playing, puzzles, and more. Actually, the device you’re reading this on likely supports some type of video game.

Unveiling the false stereotype

The power of play, especially video games, transcend age, gender, and where we live. The long-held stereotype that only teenage boys play video games is no longer true. According to a 2020 study, more adult women endorse playing video games than children and teenagers under the age of 18.

The benefits of online gaming

Playing video games can be entertaining, but there also can be psychological benefits to picking up the game controller or logging online.

• Online games can help us develop a wide range of skills including spatial awareness and critical thinking. For example, Call of Duty and League of Legends encourage teamwork, decision-making, and communication. The player’s success is contingent on the mastery and communication of the game’s timing and mechanics.

• Video games and online gaming reinforce the playful process. Video games are a form of play, which is closely linked to creativity and education. When we play, we are able to develop and express curiosity and enjoyment. Donald Winnicott suggested that play was a way of reaching a person’s “true self”. This is the most authentic, creative, and vulnerable form of a person’s personality.

How do I know if my gaming has gone too far?

If you’re finding yourself playing more despite your awareness of how it is impacting your work, school, and relationships, it may be time to reassess.

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Gaming can become a problem when it begins to disrupt your daily life. If you’re finding yourself playing more despite your awareness of how it is impacting your work, school, and relationships, it may be time to reassess.

It’s not uncommon to develop an unhealthy habit of wanting or needing to escape through online gaming or video games. The intense and growing focus on playing games may point to addictive routines that need support to help you find new balance.

Gaming addiction affects individuals of all ages and backgrounds. In fact, The World Health Organization added “gaming disorder” to the section on substance abuse and addictive behaviors in the International Classification of Diseases. There are several indications that you can look for in yourself to know whether your gaming has gone too far. If you are experiencing any of the items listed below, it may be time to seek support.

1. Spending a lot of time thinking about or being preoccupied with gaming

2. Feeling irritable, angry, sad or frustrated when gaming isn’t possible or others express concern about how much time you spend gaming

3. Attempting to control the amount of time you spend gaming. For example, promising a partner or loved one that you’ll spend less time gaming but having difficulty doing so.

4. Losing interest in previous hobbies and entertainment that you used to enjoy because gaming takes up most of your time now

5. Experiencing problems at work, school, or home (such as arriving late repeatedly, procrastinating or missing deadlines, or generally having trouble finishing necessary daily tasks) due to gaming

6. Minimizing the true nature of your gaming with family members, therapists, or others. You may experience feelings of guilt or shame and try to avoid discussion of gaming when others bring it up.

7. Using gaming to escape reality, avoid confronting problems or responsibilities

8. Individuals in your life have may have expressed concern or worry about the amount of time you spend gaming

9. A job, significant relationship, education or career opportunity has been jeopardized or lost, directly or indirectly as a result of gaming

The bottom line

What’s most important is to stay aware of whether the virtual world is taking over your time and your life. This is important because we may be susceptible to using various forms of gaming as an escape during quarantine.

What’s most important is to stay aware of whether the virtual world is taking over your time and your life.

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You may have been looking for control in online gaming and now realizing it has more control over you than you do it. If you’re feeling like you’re online too often or it’s impacting your life, it’s time to take control and get the support you need to live the life you want. Therapy can help you develop a new healthy and productive relationship with online gaming. With support, it is possible to rebalance and discover a healthier relationship with online gaming.

If you’re not ready to commit to therapy or aren’t sure if your gaming is an issue, resources like Game Quitters is a great place to start. First, take their video game addiction test and then discover helpful tips that can help you quit gaming and begin to find new replacement activities.

You can lean on us and your support network for help. You’re not alone.

Your Turn: Is gaming beginning to disrupt your daily life? How have you found ways to rebalance? I’d love to hear what’s helped you in the comments below.

The majority of people struggle with creating healthy boundaries. This is true for many of my clients in individual, couples, and family therapy. People lack healthy relational boundaries within their personal and professional worlds. Why is it so difficult for people to establish healthy boundaries? As a therapist and in my own life, I’ve seen the unique impact of the current pandemic on this topic.

Examine the impact of COVID-19

In this current era of COVID-19, more and more people have discovered the need for healthy boundaries. It may be true that for the first time in our life we have a legitimate excuse for not doing things. Now you’re able to say, “Sorry mom and dad, I can’t join you for the holidays” or “Sorry, I can’t see you for drinks. I’m quarantining.” You may also find yourself saying,“ I have to sign out of work, because my children need me at home.”

Taking precautions in the name of the greater good finally gave us permission to step back.

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Social distancing for some can provide the opportunity to take a break from our usual social obligations. I often witness how many of my clients say “no” to others, but still feel guilty. The question is why did it take a pandemic for us to form healthy boundaries and become more assertive?

For many, taking precautions in the name of the greater good finally gave us permission to step back. The innate drive of self-preservation in the face of a universal danger may play a role. It’s also possible that some people are simply running out of energy. This pandemic has pushed us to our limits and we’re running on empty. People feel like they have to protect themselves not only from the virus, but from the demands of others. When we’re placed under immense pressure, it’s not uncommon to shut down in self-protection.

Explore the power of healthy boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is about being able to tell others what we want and what we expect from them.

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Setting boundaries is vital to our emotional wellbeing. Healthy boundaries help people to thrive and feel empowered in their lives. Setting healthy boundaries is about being able to tell others what we want and what we expect from them. It includes setting limits, and letting others know how we want to be treated. It’s also about knowing and communicating what we will and will not tolerate. Setting boundaries establishes what is healthy for us, and what is not. Cultivating the ability to say “No, that doesn’t work for me,” is powerful.

Reflect on the origin of your own boundaries

Why is setting healthy boundaries so difficult for some? The ability to form healthy boundaries is often rooted in our family of origin. It’s easy to follow the same patterns we experienced in childhood. These patterns may be maladaptive now, yet feel “safer” and more familiar. As adults it’s helpful to periodically examine our behavior and ask questions such as:

• Do I have firm, individual self-boundaries, and self-worth?
• Do I meet my own needs, and practice assertiveness?
• Am I quick to meet other people’s needs before my own?
• Do I feel uncomfortable and guilty when saying “no” to others?
• Do I tell white lies instead of telling the truth for the sake of “keeping the peace” or to avoid confrontation?
• Do I fear people will judge me if I’m not comforting to others’ needs?
• Do I take care of myself? Are my needs met?

It is important to stop and think about why we do what we do. Often, we copy the patterns from our family of origin. Are we quick to jump into problem solving mode which skims the surface? Perhaps we saw how our parents weren’t able to talk about underlying issues. We may have grown up with parents who didn’t ask how we felt but instead told us what to think and do. Sometimes there are cultural and societal expectations. For example, some cultures put pressure on adult children to take care of aging parents. Don’t get me wrong, children supporting aging parents is a selfless thing. However we may be crossing boundaries when a child feels responsible for their parent’s happiness and wellbeing.

For example, let’s consider well-meaning in-laws who continue to drop by unannounced to see your newborn. You feel like you barely had time to unpack your hospital bag before they arrived. Their frequent visits at all hours of the day are leaving you feeling drained and intruded upon. Let them know that you appreciate their visits, but need some time alone during this adjustment period. You’ll invite them over when you are more rested and feel ready to welcome visitors again.

Objectively, this is a reasonable boundary. Yet, you may be accused of being unkind or selfish by others for keeping the new grandchild from the loving grandparents. This pushback may lead to feelings of guilt which may cause you to abandon your healthy boundary. When negative feelings and disapproval from others is overwhelming, this is when we often abandon our boundaries. For the moment, we’ve kept the peace and gained temporary relief from feeling bad, but at our own expense.

By setting boundaries you’re in fact honoring what you need.

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Remember, by setting boundaries you’re in fact honoring what you need. It’s important to hold the tension of saying no. They may complain to you or even try to stop by again hoping you’ll change your mind. In which case, perhaps you choose not open the door or answer the telephone. Following through on healthy boundaries means honoring your needs even when others may disagree.

The bottom line for creating healthy boundaries

If something doesn’t feel good, it’s generally not good for us. In one recent session with a client, she described how she was asked to drive a friend to the airport. Since she did not have a job, she felt obliged. Now, this client is terribly afraid of driving on busy roads, but was ashamed to admit this to her friend. She reluctantly agreed with high anxiety and off they went. She ended up hitting a toll booth. Both the driver and her passenger were quite scared. Since then she has learned the benefit of saying “no,” and practices establishing healthy boundaries with others.

It can be difficult, but one way to begin to set healthy boundaries is to stop placing so much value on what other people think and feel. It’s important that we stop living our lives based on what we should do according to others. Let’s focus on self-acceptance and treat our own needs without judgment or criticism. Be brave enough to tell people how you feel and what works or doesn’t work for you. Say yes to cultivating the personal authority that is already within you. When you do this, you will be able to also say yes to the requests that align with you and say no enthusiastically to those that don’t.

Your Turn: How can you begin to set healthier boundaries? I’d love to hear how you are creating new boundaries in the comments below.

“M asses are always breeding grounds of psychic epidemics.” – Carl Jung

It would be a vast understatement to note that we live in difficult times. We are currently plagued by a contagious virus and the viral surge of mob mentality. Lies are held as truth and the United States Capitol is stormed by bloodthirsty mobs. Millions of people have become ill from Covid-19 and many have died. A terrible marriage of sorts has arisen between both epidemics.

Develop the capacity to differentiate from groupthink

The virus has become a political issue and politics has driven the inadequate medical and scientific response to it. As much as people struggle to find answers to the social and biological plagues, there is a common orientation that can improve both situations. It’s called consciousness. To become a conscious individual you have to be capable of doing one critical thing. You have to develop the capacity to differentiate from groupthink and the mass of opinions, both scientific and psychological.

For everything human has its origins in the psyche.

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This writing will shed some light on the idea of psychological separation. For everything human has its origins in the psyche. The best science and psychology come from the creative mind that thinks outside of the box. I am by no means claiming authority on mass or mob thinking, but I may have a few useful thoughts on the matter.

Do you want to continue to try to solve things, as Einstein noted, with the same kind of behavior and thinking that got you into the problem to begin with?

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Groupthink and the masses

There is another relational piece to the idea of mass mentality and a mass viral pandemic. How immune is the individual to the viruses, both physical and psychological? We know there are people who test positive with COVID-19, and yet may only experience minor symptoms. Others become quite ill and die.

Additionally, some individuals succumb to the power of a mob mentality and others are able to resist. They are able to walk away or stop the frenzy. In a sense, these individuals are not as affected in a pronounced way and seem to have a form of immunity. Like with COVID-19, we could say that their differentiated immune system sets them apart. Now this is sometimes a matter of genetics in the case of COVID-19, and can also be nurtured through a vaccine. In the case of psychological differentiation, it may take a good bit of therapy or a particularly strong moral sense to separate from the masses. We can identify such people today.

While I disagree with his politics greatly and have never been a fan, Mitt Romney set himself apart. He was the only one of his political party in the Senate who voted for President Trump’s conviction in the first impeachment trial. At significant inconvenience, he separated from the groupthink of his fellow colleagues. Unfortunately too few, if any, demonstrated that during the Capitol riot.

Examine the mob mentality, groupthink, and individuation

The mythologist Joseph Campbell had some good thinking about mass mob mentality and groupthink. He shares that in this mentality, individuals surrender their individual consciousness to a cult. The cult or its leader thinks for you. A guru often does the same. Campbell offered a story of a British prisoner during WWII. He was placed under guard in the grandstand of a massive Nazi march displaying very powerful pageantry and propaganda. He watched thousands of soldiers march with arms raised to hail Hitler. He shared that the mass mentality was so powerful that it took enormous effort to keep his own hand from lifting. But he succeeded. He was differentiated psychologically.

Yet there are many people who do not have a sense of psychological differentiation from others. Now this does not mean that a person rejects social participation to live as an isolated hermit. It does mean that one has differentiated themselves as a unique human being and knows when to join in and when to say “no thanks.”

An individual may have a different style of dress, a different lifestyle, or a tattoo. But a differentiated individual is wearing their true self.

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Carl Jung’s term for this process was called individuation. Individuation is not individuality. Many people put on the mantle of individuality through external means. An individual may have a different style of dress, a different lifestyle, or a tattoo. But a differentiated individual is wearing their true self. If they have a persona, they know it. Individuation in its core is deep, not surface changeable. The little Italian sports car that I drive may be a statement of my individuality. But it does not make me an autonomous psychological being. That takes work!

The need for more exploration and personal reflection

Now this is a topic that demands much more exploration and clarification beyond my few thoughts and opinions presented here. It is a topic that can lead to much misunderstanding. But it is a critical part of understanding a person’s psychology. As a practicing psychotherapist, I serve to help people understand themselves more fully. Helping a client to differentiate themself from groupthink is an important part of the process. It is important to recognize the face of groupthink in all its different disguises – religious, ethnic, cultural, and family of origin. Groupthink can serve to separate an individual from the true nature of their being. This is most likely what Jesus of Nazareth meant in the gospel of Matthew. He stated that he did not come to bring peace, but a sword. To set an individual at variance with the members of their own family.

The crucial message here is to be able to differentiate when your soul calls for it.

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It sounds harsh but the crucial message here is to be able to differentiate when your soul calls for it. It’s fine and good to be participating members of whatever group or system that provides identity and emotional grounding for us. As I get older I find comfort in my Italian-German heritage and the customs they provide. But as Joseph Campbell noted, you have to be ready to detach from them at times when the bigger picture needs to be grasped. As Campbell noted, the big picture now is our common humanity. That is, the essential unity of all beings out of which our imagination works.

Your Turn: How do you deepen your own capacity to differentiate? I’d love to hear what’s helped you in the comments below.

Sometimes, no matter how much we love or connect with a person, it can prove difficult to maintain a connection that endures all. Obstacles, differences of opinion, and unexpected life circumstances inevitably crop up and put our relationships to the test. In these moments we are shown the importance of practicing empathy as a way to relate to others and strengthen our relationships.

What is empathy?

Empathy forges true human connection through the suspension of judgement in order to relate to another person with genuine support, compassion, and understanding.

Oftentimes, people offer understanding that is only surface-level. This may be because we struggle to comprehend circumstances, feelings, or perceptions outside of our own inner experiences. This can translate into support that is well-meaning, but feels hollow to the receiver. We say things like, “cheer up,” or “I hope you feel better,” and while we may mean them earnestly, they do little to make the other person feel truly understood or consoled.

This can be a point of conflict in different types of relationships including those that are romantic, platonic, and familial. When we attempt to offer support without exercising true empathy, our good intentions often unfold into undesirable outcomes such as pity, condescension, or the desire to “fix” others. Only empathy enables us to offer true support to those we care about most.

How to practice empathy:

Below, find some ways you can begin to practice empathy as a way to enrich your relationships and sharpen your interpersonal skills.

1. Listen to Understand
2. Leave Judgement at the Door
3. Ask Questions
4. Validate Thoughts and Feelings
5. Practice on Yourself

1. Listen to understand. Avoid giving advice or trying to “fix”

One of the most empathetic things you can do is to listen and say, ‘I hear you. I understand why you would feel that way.’

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2. Leave judgement at the door

A true key to empathizing is to refrain from judgement. This doesn’t mean that you must always agree with the other person’s viewpoint. If you find yourself in disagreement when listening to a frustrated friend or loved one, pause and try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Intently listening to someone else’s life experience without judgment can help develop an understanding only empathy can create.

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Remember that they are a unique person with a unique set of life experiences that have led up to this moment (and their current interpretation of the situation). Understand that they are not obligated to feel, see, or understand things the same exact way that you would, but their pain is real, nonetheless.

Intently listening to someone else’s life experience without judgment can help develop an understanding only empathy can create. It helps one to see the world from beyond his or her perspective.

It can also help you become more imaginative about how to manage your own challenges, as you attempt to put yourself in another’s position.

3. Ask questions

Try asking a question that prompts the other person to feel heard. “I see, and how does that make you feel?” “That’s awful. Is there anything at all I can do to help?” Something as simple as this lets the person know that they have been heard, and that you’re there for them. Asking a question also allows the other person to take a brief break from any emotional struggle to reflect upon what exactly they may need in that moment.

4. Validate the other person’s thoughts and feelings

Being empathetic requires you to go outside of yourself and be of genuine service to someone. It’s comfortable and reassuring for us to know that we’re not alone, that your feelings have merit, and that you’re not “crazy,” despite how you may feel.

When empathizing with someone, it’s very helpful to validate the way that they might be feeling. Try saying something like, “I understand,” or, “It’s natural to feel that way sometimes. You’ll get through this.”

Offering words of encouragement or comfort go a long way to making others feel genuinely uplifted.

5. Practice having empathy for yourself

Before we can extend empathy to others, it’s key that we learn how to be empathetic with ourselves. As we develop compassion and patience for ourselves – our perceived flaws, mistakes, and shortcomings – we grow to become more tolerant of imperfection in others.

Empathy strips away judgement and bridges the gap between us with love.

The more we work on loving ourselves unconditionally, the more easily we can extend that pure love to the next person. Practicing with daily affirmations is another powerful way to practice empathy with yourself that will positively impact your interactions with family members, friends, partners, and even strangers.

Empathy strips away judgement and bridges the gap between us with love.

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Remember, when someone chooses to share a bit of their hardships with you, they are giving you a gift of their trust and vulnerability. The best way to honor that gift is to come to the table with an open heart and open mind.

Practicing empathy allows you to contribute to a better and brighter communal pool of human energy.

Your Turn: How has practicing empathy improved your communication or relationships? How do you practice empathy with yourself? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.

Love: Everyone wants to experience it, and yet many of us are also scared of it, because in order to truly be open to love, we must also allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

What is vulnerability, and why does it terrify us? 

Vulnerability is a willingness to show your own humanity to others, despite the risk of criticism or judgement. Sometimes misunderstood as weakness, vulnerability is actually one of our greatest expressions of humanity as it allows us to deepen and strengthen our connections with other people.

As children, many of us are discouraged from showing vulnerability. We’re taught that to cry, emote, or talk about our feelings is to be fragile, ridiculous, or somehow “less than” the people around us. 

“Never let ’em see you sweat,” “boys don’t cry,” and “toughen up” are just a few of the worn-through idioms that might have been fed to us throughout our adolescence, until these archaic, clichéd mantras became invisible yet dominant narratives in our lives. As children, we learn quickly to stuff our feelings deep down where no one can see or reach them. But then, something peculiar happens.

When we put up walls to block others from seeing our emotions, we often lose the ability to access them ourselves. 

As children we may appear fearless, but as our world becomes more oppressive, we may ultimately grow up to become emotionally stifled adults who struggle to effectively cope with unwanted feelings. 

This leads to increasingly less effective and assertive communication skills in the workplace, as well as less openness and communication in friendships, and—you guessed it—unnecessarily dramatic or lackluster romantic relationships. 

Ironically, our very efforts to protect ourselves are what block us from the very thing we want most: love. When we put up walls to block others from seeing our emotions, we often lose the ability to access them ourselves. In essence, we cut ourselves off from our own humanity.

How to be vulernable

So how do we get out of our own way? We get vulnerable. When we learn how to effectively tap into our vulnerability, we see that it is not a weakness, but perhaps our greatest strength. Here are three tips on how to allow yourself to be more vulnerable and improve the quality of your relationships.

3 Tips for Practicing Vulnerability

Tip 1. Be explicit about your wants and needs
Tip 2. Be honest and forthcoming about your feelings
Tip 3. Be receptive to support

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Tip 1. Be explicit about your wants and needs

So many of us struggle with speaking up about exactly what we want out of our relationships. We don’t want to put ourselves into the vulnerable position of expressing an earnest desire for fear of receiving an unwanted answer. However, as the saying goes, “a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.” In other words, the only way to get what we need from other people is to make it known.

A few moments of vulnerability are never as uncomfortable as living with less than what you desire.

Do you desire more appreciation, a raise, or a title change to reflect your growth in the workplace? Why not advocate for yourself and set up a meeting with your boss and talk about your professional desires and everything you’re doing to reach them? 

Do you wish your partner would spend more quality time with you? Speak up and tell them what you need. When communicating with a loved one, use phrases such as “I need,” “I want,” “I hope for,” etc., so that expectations are out on the table. You may worry about your partner’s response, but remember: 

A few moments of vulnerability are never as uncomfortable as living with less than what you desire. Your emotions are there to guide you, and showing your emotions will bring you closer.  

When you get crystal clear on what you expect from others, you’re more likely to gain tangible results. Yes, sometimes people will let us down—that’s always a risk—but you’re more likely to get what you want by showing what you want. 

Best-case scenario, you express your needs and your expectations are met or even exceeded. Worst-case, you learn that the other person simply isn’t able to provide what you want, and you’ve freed yourself to look for someone else who can meet your needs. 

Tip 2. Be honest and forthcoming about your feelings

It may seem easy to have a successful relationship if you avoid all of the difficult “emotional” stuff, but the reality is that our vulnerability and authenticity is more likely to inspire others and draw people closer to you. This is because in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to know that the other person accepts you unconditionally. They can’t do that if you never give them the chance to truly know you. Letting your guard down may not be easy, but it’s critical to having a truly intimate relationship. 

You should feel comfortable talking about your fears and insecurities, just as when you talk about your hopes and desires. 

If you find yourself struggling to discuss tough subjects with your partner, try using this affirmation: “My relationship is a safe space where I am free to be my full self.” 

Tip 3. Be receptive to support

For many of us, the issue may not be finding someone who’s able to meet our needs but, rather, allowing that person to do so. 

When we accumulate emotional wounds from past disappointments and heartbreak, we often don’t know when, or how, to let it go. We hold on so tightly to our need for self-preservation that we can end up blocking new opportunities when they arrive. Part of being vulnerable is accepting that although you can stand on your own two feet, you can also choose to accept emotional support when it arrives and is being freely offered to you. 

When we learn how to effectively tap into our vulnerability, we see that it is not a weakness, but perhaps our greatest strength.

No matter how warm and understanding someone may be, it’s on you to choose whether you’ll cling to your wounds or dissolve your emotional barriers in order to let new people in. 

It’s okay to lean on others. As a matter of fact, doing so is a human need. It’s a sign of strength to know when to relinquish control and let someone else help and support us. Far from a sign of weakness, it’s a signal of maturity and your own humanity.

Vulnerability is vital to any healthy relationship.

The instinct to protect oneself from harm can sometimes take over areas of our lives where defense mechanisms are simply not needed, and relationships are a prime example. 

A relationship should never feel like you versus the other person; you should be a team, working together every step of the way. The sooner you relinquish your attachment to past wounds and fear, the sooner you surrender to the beauty of new possibilities and allow yourself to reap the rewards of vulnerability in the form of healthy, blossoming relationships. 

Your Turn: Letting down your guard is no easy task. How has being vulnerable changed your relationships with yourself and others for the better? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.

There are many reasons why people miss their exes right now. The most obvious being that feelings of loneliness and isolation are amplified in these times of social distancing. However our psychological need to reconnect with a romantic partner from the past goes beyond wanting to feel less alone.

Keep reading to learn the reasons that may explain why some people may be missing their exes more than others right now.

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1.The Mind is Solution-Focused

Right now we’re feeling lonely and maybe even experiencing a lot of existential dread. This may be surrounding our choices or the status of our relationships. So how do we solve this acute loneliness that’s currently plaguing our reality? The quick and easy solution for many people is to go through their Rolodex of intimate relationships, so it’s a no-brainer that your ex would come to mind. When we think about past relationships, we often focus on where we went wrong and how we could fix things if given the opportunity.

2. A False Belief That a Relationship Can Fix Our Problems

If we’re feeling lonely, regret, or self doubt, these are all pain points that we naturally want to alleviate. A way to soothe these pain points is to adopt the false belief system that a relationship will fix the problem (or at the very least help us feel happier). Thinking about an ex may also be comforting for some and therefore may seem like the remedy to our negative feelings. When we’re motivated to squelch negative emotions, it can become even more tempting to reach out.

3. Feelings of Nostalgia are Powerful

Human beings are nostalgic by nature. People like to reminisce and to look back on the good times, or fantasize about what could have been. When we look at the past with feelings of longing, it’s easy to confuse nostalgia for a true sense of intimacy. These warm and fuzzy feelings can be intense and powerful, however they can be misleading if we’re so hyper-focused on the good times that our minds distort what the relationship was really like.

4. Mistaking Feelings of Intensity for Intimacy

Similar to nostalgia and longing, people often confuse intense, emotion-filled moments within a relationship for true intimacy. Maybe you can recall a friend in a drama-filled relationship labeling her couple as ‘passionate’ instead of recognizing what everybody else saw as clearly unhealthy. It’s normal that if we miss an ex, these feelings of loneliness, regret, and longing are especially intense right now. When we reach out to an ex, we’re likely just going to experience more intensity, instead of the intimacy we’re truly craving.

People often confuse intense, emotion-filled moments within a relationship for true intimacy.

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5. Idealizing the Past

This also ties into nostalgia. People have a tendency to paint a rosy picture of the past. We see this frequently in long distance relationships where people more easily remember the good and forget the bad. It’s convenient in the short term however it’s potentially problematic. We’re all in long distance relationships right now in this ‘new normal.’ Just like when you’re dating someone long distance, you get to imagine them at their best and idealize them. The distance allows you to project your needs and desires onto that person to create the ‘perfect’ partner. Then you conveniently forget the reality of the situation because it’s easy to forget about the problems and disappointments when you’re not physically with that person.

6. Forgetting Why You Broke Up

Remind yourself that didn’t work out for a reason. It’s common for people to regress into this ‘Magical Thinking’ mode where they are under duress; living in a fantasy world instead of reality provides a pleasant escape and is soothing in the short term. But in a far-off fantasy world they forget that the relationship ended for valid reasons and that they are in fact happier or better off having left that relationship behind. You want to try to remember the lessons that you learned from the relationship ending and let it stay in the past. Don’t try to resurrect the past.

What if I want to Reach Out to my Ex?

Just because you’re feeling lonely doesn’t mean you should cross someone’s boundaries.

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What if I’m Still Tempted to Get Back With My Ex?

A key to getting through life is learning how to heal heartbreak. Your feelings of loneliness, longing, and heartbreak are emotional signals that there’s still healing left to be done. Practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness, and extend that compassion for your ex by not acting on impulses.

Don’t Act Impulsively.

Not acting on a whim also promotes healing and simultaneously protects and honors that experience. For some, this may be the right time to do some forgiveness work. Maybe you’re having residual negative feelings towards an ex, or maybe you need to forgive yourself for how things fell apart. Focus on self-healing by engaging in loving kindness meditations and acknowledging your heartbreak.

Negative feelings are cues to work on self-compassion and self-forgiveness so that you can continue healing.

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Feelings of Loneliness Are Normal Right Now.

Idealizing the past, confusing intensity for intimacy, and forgetting why you broke up are all human experiences that are amplified in these times of social distancing. When you’re feeling intense emotions, remind yourself that getting back with your ex isn’t going to fix how you’re feeling, or any previous relationship problems you had.

When the urge to reach out persists, get curious about the ‘why’ behind your motives before hitting send. Take negative feelings as a cue to work on self-compassion and self-forgiveness so that you can continue healing.

Your Turn: Are you struggling with feelings of loneliness during this period of self-isolation? Have you been missing your ex? Let us know how you’ve been coping in the comments below.

Here’s to Love, Clarity + Staying Strong Together,