Living in a neurotypical world can be challenging for individuals with ADHD. The expectations, social implicit rules, and tasks often don’t align with the unique functioning of a neurodivergent brain. However, being neurodivergent doesn’t equal inferior. In this blog, we’ll explore the ADHD experience and discuss strategies, treatments, and therapies that can help individuals with ADHD navigate their difficulties and improve their quality of life.

Rewiring Perspectives: Empowering Neurodivergence in a Neurotypical World

Throughout my experience working with people that suffer from ADHD I often witness a very interesting evolution. The range of individual experiences can be vast. Individuals often share an initial intense frustration with symptoms and even ambivalence towards seeking help.

For many with ADHD, motivation can be a primary concern. There’s typically a disconnect between what people know they should do vs what they actually want to do. Does this sound familiar to you at all?

For many with ADHD, motivation can be a primary concern.

However, as we work together on changing how one approaches symptoms, you’ll be able to develop a more nuanced understanding of yourself. As a result, many people I work with share that they experience less frustration and a better appreciation of their contribution to the world. Additionally, they often report that they’re able to better manage difficulties that arise and speak less critically to themselves, simultaneously improving their self-esteem.

For the last 20 years, I have really enjoyed acting as a guide in this process for individuals who are struggling with managing ADHD. My wish is to help you find balance and harmony in your life, whatever that may look like.

What is it like being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world?

For a neurotypical individual, grasping the lived experience of someone with ADHD may be difficult. It’s important to recognize that everyone’s experience with ADHD is different, and my purpose here is to shed light on the pain points and complexities that individuals with ADHD may face in their daily lives.

The below illustrations aim to portray some of the unique challenges individuals with ADHD may encounter, including general experiences I’ve witnessed in my own clinical work:

The ADHD Experience: Understanding the Unique Challenges of ADHD in Various Life Areas

1. Sarah, a college student:
Sarah struggles with time perception. Despite setting multiple alarms and reminders, she consistently underestimates the time needed to complete assignments. She finds herself frequently rushing to finish projects at the last minute, affecting the quality of her work and causing heightened stress.

2. Alex, a professional in a fast-paced job:
Alex experiences difficulties with task switching and maintaining focus in a fast-paced work environment. Despite being highly knowledgeable and capable, their struggle to stay on track during meetings and prioritize tasks hinders their ability to perform at their full potential, leading to missed opportunities and feelings of frustration.

3. Maria, a parent with ADHD:
Maria faces challenges with organization and time management while juggling multiple responsibilities. She often forgets important dates, such as parent-teacher meetings and doctor’s appointments for her children. Balancing work, household tasks, and parenting becomes overwhelming, impacting her overall well-being and causing heightened stress.

4. Michael, a teenager with ADHD:
Michael encounters social challenges. He frequently misreads social cues and struggles to maintain appropriate social interactions. He often interrupts others unintentionally or struggles to gauge when it’s his turn to speak. This leads to misunderstandings and difficulties forming and maintaining friendships, leaving Michael feeling socially isolated and misunderstood.

5. Jade, a professional writer:
Jade grapples with the inability to harness hyperfocus effectively. While her intense focus on writing can be an asset, she often becomes so engrossed in her work that she loses track of time and neglects other important responsibilities. This inconsistency leads to a lack of balance in her life, impacting personal relationships and overall well-being.

Many people may be able to identify with certain aspects of the above case studies. It’s important to recognize that experiencing occasional difficulties with concentration can be influenced by various factors such as stress, fatigue, or distractions. However, in ADHD, symptoms persist over an extended period of time and are often accompanied by impairments in academic or occupational performance, relationships, and overall quality of life.

If you do find that these difficulties with concentration are consistently affecting your ability to function and thrive in various areas of your life, it may be helpful to consult with a qualified professional for ADHD testing. They’lll consider various factors like personal history, symptom severity, and the impact on daily functioning before making a diagnosis.

How to Accept and Understand an ADHD Diagnosis

Upon receiving an ADHD diagnosis, it’s important to prioritize self-understanding over self-criticism. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation but rather understanding that your unique brain is functioning and finding ways to navigate your challenges differently. Acceptance allows you to better understand your unique experiences, challenges, and strengths, providing a framework for self-awareness and making sense of your behaviors and thought patterns.

Better understanding the characteristics of an ADHD diagnosis can empower you to seek appropriate support. This includes strategies for managing ADHD-related symptoms, and accessing specialized treatment with the help of professionals who understand the nuances of this condition. Ultimately, by learning more about ADHD and exploring effective strategies, individuals with ADHD can better facilitate their lives and improve their overall well-being.

If you’re struggling with acceptance or self-doubt, know that you’re not alone. In my previous post, Coping with ADHD as an Adult and How Therapy can Help, we dive into the various ways therapy can nurture and support you in this process.

Functional Impairment and its Effects

ADHD can impact various areas of a person’s life, including social, employment, financial, and educational domains. The level of impairment varies among individuals, but it can significantly influence self-image and mood. Frustration and feelings of incapability may arise when simple tasks become challenging or career opportunities are missed due to prolonged and tedious processes. This chain of effects can ultimately result in low self-esteem and dissatisfaction with life.

Acceptance allows you to better understand your unique experiences, challenges, and strengths, providing a framework for self-awareness and making sense of your behaviors and thought patterns.

How to Manage ADHD Symptoms

However, the negative effects of ADHD can be addressed through changing one’s perspective and seeking evidence-based treatments. While psychopharmacology (medication) is widely used in ADHD treatment, it may not be suitable for everyone. Additionally, it primarily addresses symptoms without providing coping skills or emotional support.

An alternative to medication is neurofeedback, a therapeutic technique that modulates brain function to alleviate symptoms effectively. Neurofeedback has shown comparable effectiveness to medication and surpasses cognitive behavioral therapy in treating ADHD core symptoms. Moreover, coaching, which follows a cognitive-behavioral approach, can help individuals improve their lives through the development of routines, self-awareness, and coping strategies tailored to the individual’s unique situation.

The Role of Psychotherapy in ADHD Treatment

Psychotherapy plays a crucial role in ADHD treatment, providing emotional support and addressing every aspect of the individual. By exploring the effects of ADHD on identity, identifying strengths, and improving self-perception, individuals can reduce emotional intensity, improve anxiety management, and regain control over their lives. Psychotherapy also aids in organizing time, processing past and current stressors, and ultimately leading a more fulfilling life.

My wish is to help you uncover your strengths and become a more active participant of your life’s goals, leading to a sense of empowerment and improved self-understanding.

Constant Evolution and Self-Awareness

As human beings,we evolve and our mental health and ADHD symptoms can change over time. Factors such as aging and external influences contribute to these changes. It is crucial to maintain self-awareness and adapt to our evolving needs by making necessary adjustments in treatment approaches. Taking perspective and avoiding focusing only on our difficulties can help us embrace our unique functioning and emphasize its advantages, leading to contentment, serenity, and pride in who we are.

A Therapeutic Toolbox: Unlocking the Secrets to an Empowered ADHD Life

Living with ADHD in a neurotypical world can present challenges, but with the right approach and understanding, individuals with ADHD also thrive. By prioritizing self-understanding, exploring evidence-based treatments, and engaging in psychotherapy, individuals can significantly improve their quality of life. Remember, accepting your neurodivergent characteristics can empower you to embrace your uniqueness and lead a fulfilling life.

Learn more about ADHD testing services at Clarity, or book a complimentary consultation to speak with a professional to explore which treatment options are right for you.

If you’ve lived or socialized in New York City for any length of time, you’ve probably had someone ask, “What do you do?” The culture is fixated on work – what it is, how it’s going, what successes or headaches you’ve experienced there, how much of a monster your boss is, the amount of your paycheck, etc. A common response is, “I’m a…” Continuing the theme of fixation, we use the verb “to be” in relation to our work. We are our work, and it is us.

But in truth, despite it often being placed at the very center of our lives and identity, work is only one part of our experience and does not need to be a part of our identity. Who we are outside of work, and all its complexity, is often left unexplored, unnourished, and undeveloped.

The Psychology of Career and Identity

As an adult living in the US, you are more likely to spend the majority of your waking hours at work than anywhere else. (According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, those working outside the home averaged 7.9 hours of work per day, which does not include getting ready for work or commuting). Your sense of self and identity can easily become fused with, or overwhelmed by, where you are spending so much time.

This tendency is turbocharged by the social significance given to work-related ideas like productivity, working hard, getting ahead, chasing promotions, having to “hustle,” and consumerism. While this can feel uplifting for those experiencing a highpoint in their work, any changes in your ability to be optimally productive (such as getting sick, being fired, or leaving the workforce) can lead to big questions.

Who are you outside of work? What is important to you? For some, these questions may be accompanied by feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation, grief, feeling lost, and more.

If you seemingly are your work, some of the below experiences may sound familiar:

• • Not having much to talk about other than work or colleagues

  • Difficulty identifying your likes, dislikes, or interests

  • Relating everything back to work (ex: positive qualities are those that allow you to succeed at work)

  • Belief that the next title bump, raise, or job will give you a sense of fulfillment or satisfaction

  • No sense of play (ability to do something simply for the sake of enjoyment, rather than for financial or professional purposes)

Who we are outside of work, and all its complexity, is often left unexplored, unnourished, and undeveloped.

I often work with clients to explore the impact that the internalization of capitalism has on their self-worth, goals, and identity. If the above experiences resonate with you, it may be a sign that you’re ready to challenge the status quo and break free from some of the capitalistic ideals that you’ve bought into for so long. So, let’s help you discover who you are outside of work.

How to discover who you are outside of work

The importance of exploring your core values and purpose

If your sense of self and identity are consumed by work, imagining anything else or thinking about where to begin may seem daunting. This is extremely common and understandable – you’re challenging yourself to grow in new ways that aren’t often talked about or encouraged. So, how can you start to discover who you are outside of work? One way to begin is by thinking about your values, interests, hopes, and dreams.

Understanding these things can help you recognize the parts of yourself unrelated to job titles and salary brackets. Here are some questions I invite you to reflect on:

• How do I like to spend my free time? (this can help illuminate any areas of enjoyment, hobbies, or potential passions that you may want to lean into)
• Do I have any interests or talents that I haven’t explored (or given myself permission to explore) yet?
• What aspects of my character do I appreciate? (if this is difficult to answer, ask yourself
• what do others appreciate about you?)
• What values do I hold dear in life?
• What are my strengths? What are my areas for growth?
• What drives my behavior and how do I make decisions?
• Who have been the most influential people in my life and why?
• How can I be a better friend, partner, or person to those around me?

If reflecting on the above questions truthfully, some of your answers may be uncomfortable. The purpose of thinking about them isn’t to have everything precisely figured out, but rather to serve as a starting point for learning more about yourself. For many, acknowledging the less comfortable parts of yourself or areas of life you’d like to be different is an important step toward growth and change.

You are a whole person outside of work, deserving of rest and fulfillment

How capitalism keeps us stuck

In the United States, work and profit are valued above all else. We are taught from a very young age that to be unemployed or “unproductive” are among the worst things a person can be (just think about how intense the fear of being perceived as “lazy” is). Inevitably, this means many of us are consumed by work as we strive to be the most productive.

The fact that this constant striving leaves little time for the development of personhood is not by accident. People who are too tired and beaten down from work don’t have an opportunity to develop passions, break out of their isolation, organize with others to address their grievances and fight for change, or generally challenge the status quo. Keeping you focused on work affects things from the macro (national, state, and community level) all the way down to you.

For many, acknowledging the less comfortable parts of yourself or areas of life you’d like to be different is an important step toward growth and change.

So, how could you start to break out of this very intentional cycle and begin to get to know yourself better? In addition to reflecting on the questions above, having various building blocks in place can be helpful. Tending to things like your mental health, physical health, and your relationships can go a long way to having you feel supported as you push yourself to grow in new and exciting ways.

You Are More Than Your Job

I’m here to remind you that you are not your job. It may take up significant amounts of your time, energy, and attention, but at the end of the day, it is what you do, not who you are. Exploring your interests, values, and passions can be a great way to begin to untangle work from the parts of your life and identity that are just waiting to be cultivated. You deserve to rest and discover who you are outside of work. Embarking on this journey of growth and development with a trusted professional can be an especially rewarding and fulfilling experience. Regardless of how you get there, though, my hope is that the next time a New Yorker asks you about yourself, you will have more to say than you are your job.

Your Turn: Have you taken time to explore your values, passions, interests and who you are outside of work? Do you find it challenging to give yourself permission to rest? What has your experience been? Share in the comments below.

Capitalism is one of the founding principles of the United States (the other being racism). This framework emphasizes maximizing productivity and profits by any means necessary. While the vast majority of us do not get to share in these profits, we do experience the effects of living in a culture that worships capitalism, often by taking on this “productivity at all costs” mentality and adopting it as our own. One way of describing this is “internalized capitalism.”

While working hard, being goal-oriented, or dreaming big are not inherently bad qualities, when they come at the expense of your health and relationships, it might be time to evaluate the role they play in your life. Questioning self-worth, difficulty resting, anxiety, depression, and physical symptoms can all be signs capitalism and your relationship to work is taking a toll. 

Figuring out what to do in this scenario can feel daunting. Taking time off or challenging the status quo may feel strange, unsafe, or scary. You are far from alone, though!

If you’re feeling run down, let’s explore if internalized capitalism may be to blame, and what you can do about it.

What Is Internalized Capitalism?

Internalized capitalism is the adoption of the messages of capitalism as your own values or guiding principles, typically to your own detriment. A common way this plays out is hustle or grind culture – the idea that you need to always be working as hard as possible, “maximizing your time,” making moves, and advancing toward your dream job or a higher income. In a work-obsessed city like New York, this often translates to multiple jobs, long hours, and the judgment of those who are perceived to be less “productive.”

The issues created by capitalism are as old as capitalism itself, however they are being felt increasingly intensely and are more commonly discussed than before (particularly since the beginning of the pandemic). Whether you’re an artist or entrepreneur, if you’re questioning your worth due to concerns about productivity, not resting, or anxiety and depression have become your norm, it may be worthwhile to continue reading and learn more.

While working hard, being goal-oriented, or dreaming big are not inherently bad qualities, when they come at the expense of your health and relationships, it might be time to evaluate the role they play in your life.

What does it feel like to internalize the ideas of capitalism?

Most of the ways the internalization of capitalism affects us are normalized in the US, despite being highly unnatural. As such, it can be easy to ignore, downplay, or miss what is going on. Experiences like those below may mean you’re committed to the grind in ways you weren’t quite expecting, and with unintended consequences:

Sunday Scaries

The sleepless night of dread before Monday morning is a sure sign work is taking up too much space in your life. For some, this may just be a sign of an unfulfilling job, but more often than not it points to experiencing the exploitation of workers so common in the US.

“Do I Have Value As a Person?”

Tying your value or worth as a person to your job, productivity, accomplishments, or possessions is a slippery slope. It demands you keep going faster and doing more to continue feeling good about yourself. When you fall ill, become disabled, experience unemployment, or are otherwise unable to produce in the same way, it can feel like an existential crisis.

Inability to Rest

Feeling under the weather or in need of a personal day, but go to work anyway? Difficulty actually resting and taking care of yourself on days off? Capitalism (and by extension, many employers) exploits and manipulates workers into feeling guilty for taking the time they need to rest and take care of themselves. This may come in the form of “not being a team player” or feeling anxious about “not doing anything.” Capitalism lies to us by saying that rest is for the weak and should be put off as long as possible.

Anxiety and Depression

Near constant worry about paying bills, holding onto one’s job, and the pressure to do more inevitably takes a toll on your mental health. This stress and feeling like it is inescapable may lead to feelings of anxiety or depression.

What to Do?

Unlearning is a difficult process. It takes time and energy, but can be beneficial if we truly want change in the long-term.

Learn More about Interrelated Systems of Oppression

As a white person writing this article, it’s important to acknowledge that the majority of my learning about capitalism has been from people of the global majority, and in particular Black women.

Black thinkers have long talked about and shared their wisdom on this subject. Scholars Tricia Hersey (founder of the Nap Ministry) or Joshua Briond (host of the Millenials are Killing Capitalism podcast) have spoken extensively about how capitalism reinforces, and is intertwined with, other forms of oppression, such as racism and white supremacy, ableism, fatphobia, and more.

Tying your value or worth as a person to your job, productivity, accomplishments, or possessions is a slippery slope.

In a therapeutic setting, talking about these things and learning to recognize how they are connected has value. Co-founder of Melanated Social Work Marvin Toliver has pointed out that tying internalized feelings of capitalism back to racism and white supremacy has been helpful for his clients.

Name the Thing

Having big, ambiguous feelings that we don’t know what to call can often make us feel even worse. In this instance, recognizing the feeling and identifying where it comes from can be useful. Being more specific in this way can always help us know where to start in trying to create change.

Establish Boundaries

On a purely individual level, having stronger, better defined boundaries with work can help you reclaim some of the time, energy, and space that work has taken from you.

Get Connected

Finally, the solution to these problems will be collective – not individual. Talk to friends and coworkers about your experience or get involved with organizations in your community addressing workers rights. If you are in a unionized workplace, learn more about your union! If your workplace is not unionized, learn more about potential options for unionizing.

Capitalism and exploitation of workers thrives on individuals having little recourse against such an overwhelming system. When we internalize these values, we end up perpetuating that feeling of powerlessness. By learning more, being specific about our experiences, and connecting with others, there is far more recourse to create change.

Capitalism and Your Mental Health

Unlearning internalized capitalism is possible.

I see capitalism as one of the foremost challenges to our mental health today. None of us are given the option to opt in or out of this system, so we can easily internalize or take in these messages without realizing it. Movies, television, and prominent personalities (think: Joe Biden working while having COVID) have long reinforced that productivity is essential and encouraged us to work past our breaking point, lest we be called lazy and be discarded.

The internalization of capitalism goes hand-in-hand with anxiety, depression, exhaustion, uncertain self-worth, and more. If you feel this way, I’m ready to discuss it with you. I’m Daniel Rich, a licensed psychotherapist at Clarity Therapy NYC eager to discuss capitalism and other mental health concerns tied to it.

Your worth doesn’t depend on your productivity. You’re just as valuable (arguably more valuable) relaxing on the couch as you are working at your job. If job stress, pressure from others, and other values of capitalism are weighing you down, I’d like to find a time to connect with you. Feel free to book a complimentary consultation with me today.

Your Turn: Do you recognize examples of internalized captialism in your life, habits, or belief systems? How does this affect you, your relationships, and emotional wellbeing? Share in the comments below. 

D o you ever find it difficult to say “no”? Are you so worried about upsetting other people that your needs go unmet? You may often feel like it’s your job to make everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many of us have a fear of displeasing others, and this fear may be so deeply rooted that we don’t realize how harmful it can be to our health and happiness.

People pleasing is a theme that often comes up with clients in our therapy sessions. I’ve often had clients share, whether it was at work, with friends, or in romantic relationships, they would say “yes” when they really wanted to say “no.” Perhaps you can relate to this common experience. Maybe you find yourself doing things that aren’t enjoyable or healthy, just because other people expect you to, or because it makes them happy.

And let’s face facts: We all have some of this in us. However, being too nice and accommodating others can ultimately lead to burnout—and not just physical exhaustion but an emotional exhaustion due to feeling stretched too thin and underappreciated by others. If this rings true for you, maybe it’s worth taking a step back to examine some of these behaviors.

Do you know how to tell if you’re a people pleaser? In this blog post we’ll look at some key signs and behavior patterns that could indicate that you have people pleasing tendencies, and what to do about it.

How to tell if you’re a people pleaser: common signs

1. You often feel responsible for making everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many people feel pressure to make others happy, and for good reason. We’re living in a society where we’re encouraged to take care of each other, and that means being there when someone needs us and making sure that they feel loved and cared for. This may come in the form of obvious pressure from your boss, partner, or family members, or more subtle, unspoken norms that you feel you need to live up to.

One way to tell if you’re a people pleaser can look like an extreme preoccupation with other people’s moods. For example, instead of enjoying the party you’re hosting, perhaps you’re overly concerned about others having a good time, and spend your time hyper-focused on being the perfect host. To an extent, this is normal and may make you a great party planner and all-around conscientious person. However, if anxiety about others enjoying themselves prevents you from being present enough to enjoy your own party, it may be a sign of people pleasing.

Feeling overly responsible for others can also leave you feeling like you’re constantly on duty—you may feel like you have to be there for everyone else, all the time. And when you put so much pressure on yourself to be available for others, it can become difficult to honor your own emotions or deal with your own problems without feeling guilty or like you’re letting someone else down. 

2. You feel guilty when you say no.

3. You often feel like you need to be liked by everyone.

It’s natural and normal to want to be liked by others. However, people pleasers often struggle with this above and beyond what’s healthy. Some people may feel like they need to be liked by everyone in order to be accepted and included in a certain group or social circle. You may feel like you must be liked by everyone because deep down, even unconsciously, you experience nagging feelings of inadequacy, or not feeling good enough as you are. 

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks however, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as well as feelings of guilt or shame when you don’t meet the expectations of others. Additionally, it can lead to you feeling like you can’t make decisions for yourself or that you need to please everyone. 

Here are a few ways you can shift your focus internally if you find yourself seeking external validation:

• • Take time to practice self-care and self-compassion. 

  • Remind yourself of your worth and values. 

  • Practice positive affirmations and self-talk.

  • Accept yourself as a unique individual and recognize your strengths.

  • Focus on developing meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and trust.

  • Set clear boundaries with others and be assertive when necessary.

  • Create achievable goals and celebrate accomplishments.

  • Prioritize your own needs and feelings over those of others.

4. You’re overly worried about what other people will think of you.

If you’re a people pleaser, then you’re probably concerned about what other people will think of you. You might be worried about what they’ll think of your choices and actions, or if they’ll like what you have to say. You also might feel like an impostor around certain groups or individuals because they make such an effortless impression on others–and this makes it difficult for them to see who they truly are behind their masks (or chameleons).

You aren’t your authentic self because you’re afraid you won’t be accepted for who you truly are. Furthermore, you may even find yourself going above and beyond your physical, emotional, or financial means to please others, even if it means sacrificing your own wellbeing. Do any of these things resonate with you?

5. You often find yourself in situations where you are over-rehearsed and overexcited, trying to make a good impression on others.

You try to be the best version of yourself for other people. You want them to like you and think that you’re interesting and fun, smart, a good person and a good listener. Again, this is normal behavior to an extent, so it’s up to you to decide where you fall in terms of people-pleasing. For example, do you find you’re often preoccupied or over-rehearsed for conversations because you want everything that comes out of your mouth to be perfect?

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people.

Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser may be that you find yourself rehearsing what people could ask or say next so that there is no awkward silence or confusion about what’s going on in their heads at any given moment during conversation with you.

A common example may be during a job interview. The people pleaser is so over-rehearsed and over excited that they start talking too much, giving too much detail and trying to prove their worth to the employer. Responses may seem canned and unnatural, as if the person has memorized a script versus responding authentically. They may also come across as too eager to please, agreeing to anything the employer suggests and not expressing their own opinion. Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser could look like dressing or presenting yourself in a way that doesn’t feel authentic in order to ensure you appeal to a certain person, audience, or group of people.

How can I stop being a people pleaser and build confidence?

So, you identify with some (or all) of the above behavior patterns of people-pleasing. This is a positive thing! The first step to transformative behavior change is recognizing the patterns that no longer serve you. Now that you recognize some of the behaviors causing you grief, here are some positive actions you can take:

1. Learn how to set effective boundaries: The first step in learning how to stop being a people pleaser is to set effective boundaries. As mentioned above, this can often take a bit of practice as you learn to say no to requests and expectations that go beyond what you’re willing to do. It can be pretty comfortable at first, and that’s okay!

2. Know your values: Knowing your values will help you to make decisions that are right for you. When you know what is important to you, it will be easier to say no to those requests that don’t fit with your values. Take a moment to uncover your values and get to the heart of who you are.

3. Focus on yourself: As we touched on, people pleasing can sometimes stem from a lack of self-esteem. Focusing on your own needs and interests rather than trying to please others can help shift your focus internally. This includes learning how to acknowledge your own emotions and feelings and be mindful of them, as well as prioritizing your own needs and interests over those of others.

4. Practice self-care: Take time to focus on yourself, your feelings and needs. Creating a sustainable self-care practice you enjoy can help alleviate stress, and improve your self-esteem and confidence.

5. Build your self-confidence: Build your self-confidence by setting small goals that you can achieve and then praising yourself for your successes. Check out 9 tips for boosting your self confidence.

6. Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend or family member, and others who identify as people pleasers can help you to gain the confidence to examine your behaviors and stop people-pleasing. Read lessons learned from recovering people pleasers, and connect with like minded individuals.

7. Practice makes perfect: Visualize and practice the things that are challenging for you. For example, you might practice saying no to someone and work through what comes up. Making a game plan and practicing your approach with a trusted friend or therapist can help you gain confidence in these new skills and work through uncomfortable feelings that may arise. Check out PsychCentral’s guilt-free guide to saying no.

So, you can tell you’re a people pleaser. What’s next?

People pleasing behaviors can be hard to break out of and can impact your wellbeing, sense of self, and lead to burnout. It can take time to learn how to set healthy boundaries, build confidence, and stop looking to others for validation and approval. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you’re not alone and you don’t have to stay stuck in a pattern of behaviors that feel self-defeating. 

Therapy can help you become aware of your triggers and behavior patterns, recognize when you’re people pleasing, and work on developing and practicing healthier behaviors. With the help from a trusted professional and along with self-reflection, you can learn to become more confident, live more authentically, and foster relationships that are genuine, reciprocal and fulfilling. If you’re interested in learning more, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

If you’re not ready to start therapy, there are other steps you can take, too. Along with the positive behaviors outlined above, self-help books on the topic can be immensely enlightening as well. Best wishes on your journey of self-exploration, wherever it may take you. 

Your Turn: Do you identify with any of the people-pleasing qualities listed above? What’s helped you break free from behaviors that don’t serve you? Share your experience in the comments below.

I recently spoke at a religious retreat at the Loyola House of Retreats in Morristown, New Jersey. The subject was the integration of religious belief and practice with psychological understanding. Contemporarily, the fields of religion have been considered a separate entity from psychology. Yet there is a growing awareness that this may not be an either-or scenario.

Modern psychology is not much more than a century in its formation. Sigmund Freud is usually credited with beginning the movement. Systems of orienting human beings to the great mysteries of birth, life and eventual death have always existed. Religious systems carried this task for many centuries.

But with the dawn of the scientific age, religion took a back seat to the medical model. This medical model now dominates much of the field of mental health. An early analyst, Otto Rank stated that because religions “lost the Cosmos” humankind became neurotic. As a result, we had to invent psychoanalysis to deal with this neurosis.

The quest for symptom relief in modern society’s psychology

I am primarily a Jungian by orientation and so tend to be more welcoming to a religious perspective. Carl Jung stated that his most successful patient work happened when a patient gained a religious perspective. Now he did not mean that one should run off to join an institutional system. Rather that one should seek to acquire greater existential meaning in one’s life. How this looks and feels to me differs from another’s.

Today, modern therapy often focuses on relieving symptoms, such as depression and anxiety. Medication is a part of the treatment process to assist in the reduction of symptoms. For some individuals this is a preferred and desirable approach. For others, a deeper therapeutic approach is necessary.

There may be a future of possibilities for one’s life which are not yet realized.

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Depth psychology and religion share this orientation to a large extent. Symptoms may be considered as meaningful on an existential level. There may be a teleological nature to a person’s suffering. In other words, there may be a future of possibilities for one’s life which are not yet realized.

Jiddu Krishnamurti was an early teacher of Eastern traditions to the West starting in the 1920’s. He presented a memorable thought; that it is not a sign of emotional health to be well-adjusted to a sick society. Now we can readily see the sickness in a society, such as the Nazi regime in the past century. But how adept are we at questioning the “sickness” of our own society? Are we emotionally healthy if we do our best to fit in and copy the trends of the time?

Looking for answers to emotional wellness in the medical model

The West has become rich in materialism and technology generating many benefits. Perhaps this moves people towards the unhealthy habit of always looking (often in futility) for external answers. Rather than going inward, our contemporary society promotes this approach. I sometimes counsel patients who look outside of themselves to alleviate their suffering. There is a search for the right tool or technique that will lead to perfect wellbeing.

Cultivating and defining one’s spirituality

I have never seen a medication alone solve a client’s existential problem. This issue still demands a therapeutic discussion, with grounding in some spiritual practice. Now this practice can be quite varied in approach. It could mean embracing a formal religious or spiritual practice or not.

I knew a man who traveled to India in search of a Guru who would help him solve his addiction problems. Instead of having this suffering man adopt Eastern traditions, the Guru asked a simple question. “To what spiritual tradition were you born into?” “Why I was raised in Judaism”, his reply. “Well then, my son, go back home and be a Jew!” So he did, and having met him 10 years later, Jay is a sober practicing Jew.

How adept are we at questioning the ‘sickness’ of our own society? Are we emotionally healthy if we do our best to fit in and copy the trends of the time?

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Perhaps this is an example of what set 12-step programs into motion in the first place. Analytical psychologist Carl Jung suggested to an alcoholic patient that he seek a religious conversion. As a result, AA and other forms of addiction treatment came to fruition. But at the core of this process is the exchange of the drink of a spirit with the cultivation of the spiritual. I have a personal friend who often attends open meetings because, “they feed my spirit.” She is not an alcoholic, but she admits being hungry for that which is spiritual. And Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are exactly where she gets her fill.

The interrelationship between psychology and religion is a consideration of profound importance. Volumes have been written on the subject and volumes more await. Some 2500 years ago the great pre-socratic philosophers, such as Paramenedes, cautioned against our current Western cultures’ propensity to require clean divisions among the academic disciplines. This most definitely pertains to our understanding of the roles of psychology and religion in the welfare of the human soul. Perhaps it is time to regard their warnings and open the dialog.

Your Turn: What possibilities in your life have not yet been realized? How have you cultivated your spirituality? I’d love to hear what’s helped you in the comments below.

Imposter syndrome can take many forms. You’re not sure how to start a project, so you put it off. You’re afraid that an email doesn’t convey your competence, so you edit just to delete it later. You compare yourself to others because you need to be the best, so you beat yourself down and dim your inner light. When you ruminate on your mistakes, you also forget every achievement up until this point.

Does this sound familiar? Are you a self-proclaimed workaholic or perfectionist? Have you always been an overachiever? Do you feel at any moment you may be “found out” by your colleagues or team as a fraud?

Imposter syndrome is a nagging doubt in our abilities, talents and achievements despite external proof of our qualifications and success. Imposter syndrome can rob us of our joy, confidence and hold us back in life. The phenomenon can affect anyone, regardless of their success.

Besides to the expectations you have for yourself, those starting a new job or career may have very real pressure to perform. Even executives of well-known companies experience imposter syndrome, like the rest of us.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Phenomenon, refers to high-achieving individuals who are unable to internalize their success. In pop culture, it’s coined “Imposter Syndrome,” yet it is not in fact a syndrome or mental illness. Psychologists recognize that those who feel like imposters experience feelings of inadequacy.  They are also quick to attribute success to luck, rather than their own skill or effort. The phenomenon describes a form of intellectual self doubt coupled with an irrational fear of being found out.

To call it “imposter syndrome” in fact downplays the universality of these experiences. An estimated 70% of people will report experiencing at least one impostorism episode (Clance, 1970). Individuals who identify as LGBTQ+, people of color, and first-generation college grads are disproportionately affected by imposter syndrome.

Below are four signs that you may be experiencing imposter syndrome and what you can do to combat it.

4 Signs of Imposter Syndrome and How to Cope

1. You feel frozen to start a task unless you can do it perfectly
2. Fear of failing is weighing heavily on you
3. You’re afraid of being exposed as a fraud
4. You’re constantly comparing yourself to your colleagues

1. You feel frozen to start a task unless you can do it perfectly.

Refusing to take part in a task unless it’s perfect or not completing a task at all are ways to avoid feeling inadequate. Perfectionism and procrastination are paralyzing, they freeze us from taking necessary action.

Perfectionism and procrastination are paralyzing, they freeze us from taking necessary action.

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We’re afraid that we don’t deserve the jobs that we worked hard to earn, so we might think “why even try at all?” It’s more comfortable to credit our success to luck than hard work or our innate abilities.

How to cope: Remember that starting is always the most challenging part. Oftentimes, we’ve already catastrophized the failure or negative outcome in our minds. This prevents us from even wanting to start. To combat this, take the smallest first step possible. Whether that’s writing one sentence or organizing the next step. Tell yourself that this is the drafting phase, your first edit. You can always revisit and make improvements, in other words, the task doesn’t have to be in its final form out the gate. Once we get started the momentum is usually enough to help us keep going forward.

2. Fear of failing is weighing heavily on you.

Everyone has to start somewhere, including your colleagues. Sure, they may be ‘experts’ in their field, or have years more experience than you. But they all had a first day on the job where they were the newbie too. Do you always expect perfect performance from your colleagues? Of course not, after all, we’re human. So why do you demand perfection from yourself?

How to cope: It’s just not realistic to expect yourself to perform every task perfectly in a new job role. There’s going to be a learning curve, so give yourself room to grow and make mistakes. Embrace being new. Afterall, this is a period dedicated to growth where mistakes are learning opportunities. A week, a month, six months, and a year from now, you’ll be able to look back and do the things that you weren’t able to do before.

3. You’re afraid of being exposed as a fraud.

Fear of being exposed as fraudulent can create paralyzing anxiety. This fear stems from low self-confidence and parallels the ongoing need to be the best. What’s the evidence that you’re a fraud? After all you were hired because at least one person in a higher position felt you were qualified for the role. So much so that they offered you instead of someone else the opportunity.

Make a point to pay attention to what you’re doing well.

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How to cope: Make a point to pay attention to what you’re doing well. Keep a folder in your inbox to file away thank you emails and positive feedback. Keep a pocket-sized notebook at your desk to write down positive things you’ve done well. Include even the small or seemingly insignificant things.

Schedule meetings with your mentor or supervisor and ask for constructive feedback. There’s always room for growth, and this is a positive thing. The next time you doubt yourself, you can objectively look back from a higher vantage point and see how far you’ve come.

4. When you’re experiencing imposter syndrome, you’re constantly comparing yourself to your colleagues.

Remember – you’re sitting at your well-deserved seat at the metaphorical table.

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You’re sitting at your well-deserved seat at the metaphorical table. You look around at your boss and coworkers and feel that everyone around you is so great at what they do that you pale in comparison. When we feel like we don’t measure up to our peers, this can invite nagging feelings of self-doubt and unjustified self-criticism.

How to cope: Identify unique qualities you contribute instead of hyperfocusing on your deficiencies. This can be tough for some people because we’re so used to tearing ourselves down. If this exercise is difficult for you, imagine that you’re having a conversation with a trusted person in your life. Think about what they would name as your redeeming traits. You can also ask your coworkers how you’ve helped them recently. Whether on a particular task or team project, this will allow you to get real-word feedback.

The most surefire way to combat imposter syndrome

When we doubt ourselves behind the closed doors of our office, we believe that we’re alone in thinking that way, because no one else is voicing their doubts. The most surefire way to combat imposter syndrome is to talk about it. In doing so you bring your fears into the world and in doing so this takes away some of their power.

By being vulnerable, you open yourself up to receiving authentic support.

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By sharing them with a trusted confidant you also create space for a reality check. This opens an opportunity for others to relate to your experience and share how they coped. By being vulnerable, you open yourself up to receiving authentic support.

For many, opening up about a fear of failure with those in our lives may not feel like a good option for different reasons. In this case, connecting with a therapist may be the route to go. Speaking with an unbiased individual in a judgement-free zone in and of itself is immensely therapeutic. A therapist has the experience to help individuals successfully work through the negative feelings related to imposter syndrome. For example, individuals learn necessary tools to challenge negative self-talk and self-defeating behaviors. In a supportive environment, therapists also help individuals free themselves from anxiety, self-doubt and judgement. Individuals experience newfound confidence and are able to finally celebrate their achievements and successes.

Your Turn: What ways have you found to combat imposter syndrome? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.

Self-love is a term that has gained more and more traction in recent years, and for good reason. Self-love is a beautiful and vital practice available to each and every one of us at every juncture in our lives, but I find that the general understanding on the topic needs to be expanded upon. Oftentimes, the discussion on self-love is conflated with self-care, another important but distinct concept.

What is the difference between self-love and self-care?

Self-care encompasses any and all of the practices you might do to relax, recharge, or release—taking a bubble bath, curling up with a good book, or going for a run to let off some steam are all examples of self-care activities. Self-love, on the other hand, is a broader, more expansive concept which includes several different practices, only one of which manifests as self-care. In other words, while self-care is beautiful, there is more to loving yourself than taking baths and working out.

Self-love is the ongoing practice of developing a healthy and compassionate relationship with oneself. Self-care, accountability, discipline, self-forgiveness, and confidence are all practices which fall under the larger umbrella of self-love.

Self-love isn’t just something that happens to us

To truly love yourself requires intentional effort and affirmation. Contrary to popular belief, self-love can be messy; it includes all the tough work of being vulnerable, getting to the root causes of our pain and misery, and forgiving ourselves for perceived shortcomings and mistakes.

The wonderful thing is, self-love is available to every one of us. In fact, we are all pure love and light at the cores of our being. No one is born with pain and suffering—we are all born beacons of light and possibility. As we age, however, we pick up burdens and scars from life that can push us further and further away from that original loving essence.

Over time, we start to identify ourselves with our suffering, forgetting that that inner child that lives within was never meant to live that way. On the contrary, self-love is both your origin and your birthright, and you can return no matter how far you think you’ve strayed.

3 ways to practice self-love and build compassion for self:

1. Encourage yourself intentionally
2. Hold yourself in high regard
3. Get to know yourself

Tip 1. Encourage yourself like you would encourage a child

When babies are born, we never peer into the crib and imagine all the failures and mistakes they’ll go on to make. We raise children to believe in themselves, to dream big, and to try, try again when they fall. As adults, we need the same kind of encouragement and reassurance, but we must give it to ourselves!

The next time you find yourself beating yourself up over a mistake or dwelling on a missed opportunity, imagine you are talking to the five-year-old you. What would you say to make that little girl or guy keep going? Nurture your inner child so that the adult you can thrive.

Self-love is the ongoing practice of developing a healthy and compassionate relationship with oneself.

Tip 2. Hold yourself to the same standards of love that you hold others

For the most part, we can all recognize unhealthy behaviors when they come from romantic partners—lying, cheating, breaking commitments and promises. So, why do we accept this behavior from ourselves?

Self-love means holding yourself accountable and honoring yourself by following through on the commitments you make.

Demand the same respect from yourself that you’d demand of a partner. You wouldn’t date someone who puts you down or emotionally abuses you, so don’t do those things to yourself. How do you expect your mind to be a safe place if you constantly feed it negative thoughts of self-doubt and misery? How do you expect your body to know you care for it if you constantly pick it apart in the mirror, or neglect it with poor diet and exercise habits?

Self-love means examining your actions to make sure they’re in alignment with the vision you have for yourself. Some good questions to ask are, “am I honoring the commitments I’ve made to improve my life?” “Am I being true to the promises I made?” “Am I a good partner to myself?”

Tip 3. Make an effort to get to know yourself more deeply

How often have we been stumped when someone says, “so tell me about yourself”? The truth is we spend so much of our lives consuming and reflecting other people’s energies that it can be hard to distinguish who we really are when we’re not being stimulated by outside people or events. But just as you would take the time to get to know someone before you commit to them, you must take the time to get to know yourself.  

When I say get to know yourself, I mean beyond your favorite foods or TV shows. I mean, do you know what makes you tick? Do you know what your passions are, your insecurities? Have you uncovered the pain behind the baggage you carry? Have you learned how to forgive yourself and others?

To gain some clarity on these questions I recommend integrating mindfulness practices into your routine, and seeking assistance with yourself work through therapy.

Self-love and compassion starts with you

Seeking affirmative therapy services is an excellent example of practicing self-love. It shows an acknowledgment of where your life can be improved, and a commitment to bettering your self-image and subsequently, your life circumstances.

It is important to note that loving yourself doesn’t mean feeling perfect or awesome all the time.

On the contrary, loving yourself means reminding yourself that you are still light and love, even and especially when you don’t feel that way. It’s accepting and embracing yourself in all forms, at all stages, and taking steps to evolve in healthy and productive ways.

Your Turn: Are you embarking on a self-love journey? Perhaps you have had success building self-compassion through other tips? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

We say that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, but do we honestly believe it? Our thoughts – the beliefs we hold about ourselves and others – are what guide our feelings, shape our behaviors, and influence how we experience the world.

It is your birthright to be happy and comfortable in your skin, and the only way you can get there is by being aware of your thought patterns and disrupting negative narratives.

What is a negative narrative?

Negative narratives are the bad stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. They are the hyper-critical self-talk that plays on a loop in our heads: “I’m not good enough.” “I never do anything right.” “I’m a failure.”

It’s a fact that all humans make mistakes. So why do we hold on so tightly to our pasts? When we cling to negative self-talk we unconsciously take our mistakes along with us on our life journey.

When faced with circumstances that remind us of the baggage we’ve been lugging around, we repeat the sad story and prevent ourselves from intentionally learning from the past and living fully in the moment. By reliving the errors we once made, we force new life experiences into the confinements of the past. 

When we cling to negative self-talk we unconsciously take our mistakes along on our life journey.

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Living this way seems safe because it’s familiar – some of us have been repeating the same narrative for years – but we need to allow ourselves the opportunity to participate in new, positive experiences where we can display our growth and evolution.

Let go of your old, oppressive stories and allow yourself to be light with forgiveness and understanding.

So how can we change our negative self-talk?

Change happens through daily practice. Every day, practice focusing on identifying something that you are grateful for, something you are excited about and something that makes you happy. Practicing mindfulness and uplifting thoughts can help to change the nagging, negative narratives that pop up when life or people disappoint us.

Include daily reminders like, “The Universe is conspiring for you” and “You’re doing great, give thanks” in your Google calendar or your phone. You can even post uplifting reminders on your bedroom wall or bathroom mirror, so you’re confronted with positivity first thing in the morning.

We never know when we’ll be faced with problems, so having daily reminders of our greatness can help realign our thoughts on hard days.

Self-awareness is key for disrupting negative self-talk

Understanding you have the power to control your mind can be life-changing.  Click to tweet

The life-changing power of choice

Life isn’t perfect, but we have the power to decide what we focus on and what we think about.  This power can change any undesirable situation into a lesson to propel you forward towards your best life.

Believe in the power of choice – your beliefs guide your life, so decide to believe that you are in control. You have the ability to choose how you will react in any circumstance. Decide that once the adverse situation has passed or been resolved, you don’t have to relive it anymore. You are given the opportunity to access new insightful experiences every day.

Use your power for good and watch your life transform.

Your Turn: How do you combat negative-self talk? What strategies have been successful for you? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below. 

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.