What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship may leave you feeling depleted, less than, and losing trust in yourself and questioning your own lived experience. Despite your best attempts to please or smooth over the situation, you may find it impossible to prevent your partner’s angry outbursts or sour moods. 

It’s not uncommon for some people to initially confuse the drama-filled intensity of a new relationship for feelings of intimacy. Once this pattern has been established, this defining characteristic of the relationship may feel like a new normal. However, it’s anything but.

The tricky thing for many people is that not all relationships start out toxic. Oftentimes, new partners put their best foot forward in a new relationship. Over time, as the relationship grows more familiar, unhealthy behaviors and communication patterns begin to emerge. This is why it’s often difficult for partners caught in a cycle of abuse to leave, the relationship wasn’t always “all bad,” there were happy times too.

Signs you’re in a toxic relationship

Here are a few signs of toxic relationships. If you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship ask yourself if you experience any of the following:

• Feeling drained or depleted more often than not due to the negative exchanges in the relationship
• Feeling like the relationship is strictly a one-way street
• Preoccupied with pleasing your partner
• Walking on eggshells not to “rock the boat” or make your partner angry or upset
• Denying yourself your own needs or desires at the expense of your partners
• Lack of trust in your partner
• Feeling judged or rejected by your partner
• Persistent unreliability or follow through on promises or daily responsibilities
• Insufficient support
• Controlling behaviors (who you see, what you wear, what you spend your money or time on)
• Jealousy and insecurity masked as “caring”
• Resentment
• Lying and dishonesty
• Patterns of disrespect
• Lack of support / withholding support
• Codependency
• Avoidance (shutting down or giving one the silent treatment instead of addressing issues maturely)
• Physical, verbal or financial abuse
• Humiliation (belittling you in front of others)

Here are examples of behaviors that people in toxic relationships may confuse for romance, but are actually unhealthy:

• “They love me so much and want to spend every minute with me…that’s why I’m not able to go out with friends/engage in a favorite activity/go certain places alone/have my own….”
• “They buy me clothes they insist on me wearing that I don’t really like, but it’s easier for me to just wear it than to have an argument about it”
• “I love you so much and do so much for you, what do you mean you won’t…. (do xyz behavior or allow them to do xyz behavior that’s hurtful, disrespectful, or tramples your boundaries).
• “Trust me, I’m doing this for your own good…”
• “This isn’t a healthy/good/right action or decision for me, but I’m doing it because they need me.”

Why am i ATTRACTED TO toxic relationships?

Oftentimes people romanticize toxic relationships out of fears of abandonment and attachment issues. This is related to childhood experiences, personal trauma, family of origins dynamics, and patterns of relationships from our past (often our parents).

Movies and TV series also often misrepresent romantic relationships. As a psychotherapist, it’s uncomfortable watching these played out. Young people see dysfunctional behavior on the silver screen and are led to believe that everything is justified, since the couple “passionately” loves each other. After all, we’re taught from a young age that “love conquers all” or “love is all you need.”  It’s no wonder that mutual trust, respect, healthy communication and dependability aren’t a part of the plot. These things aren’t sexy, nor do they sell tantalizing storylines. As a licensed marriage and family therapist with a decade of experience helping couples, I can tell you with confidence that these are the cornerstones to any healthy relationship. These intense, drama-filled interactions aren’t conducive to long-lasting relationships and are better left for hollywood.

Intense, drama-filled interactions aren’t conducive to long-lasting relationships and are better left for hollywood.

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We also desperately want to be loved by “the one,” our partner, or future ideal partner we’ve daydreamed about in our head. However, people might recreate their parental relationships with their partners, wanting to fix old trauma in their new romantic relationships. But that does not usually work. All couples relationships involve projection. We project our unconscious issues onto the other person and vice versa.

For instance, a partner may have been raised in an abusive home, where their father is physically and verbally abusive to his partner and his children. Based on their past family dynamics, this partner may not tolerate physical abuse, but might accept manipulation or verbal abuse from their love interest instead.  A partner may be raised thinking they are not lovable as a child (believing that their parents do not love them), therefore, they may put up with abuse in order to pursue love, or may continue to question what true love looks like.

How to heal from a toxic relationship

When each partner feels respected and appreciated by the other for who they are, there is little to no room for toxicity. Each partner should have their own life and respect the other’s individuality, including any differences between them. Partners ought to recognize each other as individuals before they can move forward in partnership.

When issues arise, couples must be able to discuss them in a curious and compassionate way. It is important to take a non-judgemental approach when navigating any kind of relationship. Effective and respectful communication is the key. Communication style ultimately determines whether someone can feel safe in a relationship and be honest about their beliefs. If your communication patterns consist of corrosive communication, where one or both parties are belittling and degrading one another, this may be indicative of other issues within the relationship that aren’t being addressed.

Couples therapy can be very helpful for couples who experience certain elements of their relationship that are toxic. However, keep in mind that for some, the healthiest thing to do may mean letting go of the relationship if it is not able to be fixed. If staying in a relationship means doing so at the expense of your mental health, confidence, and self-esteem then the relationship may be beyond saving.

The bottom line is if the relationship does not feel right, is toxic and abusive, start to look for help. After experiencing a toxic relationship, many people find it helpful to take some time off from dating and focus on healing emotional wounds with the help of a therapist or other supportive outlets in your life.

Your Turn: How do you define a toxic relationship? What helped you identify the relationship wasn’t right for you? Share what helped you to heal from a toxic relationship in the comments below.

The majority of people struggle with creating healthy boundaries. This is true for many of my clients in individual, couples, and family therapy. People lack healthy relational boundaries within their personal and professional worlds. Why is it so difficult for people to establish healthy boundaries? As a therapist and in my own life, I’ve seen the unique impact of the current pandemic on this topic.

Examine the impact of COVID-19

In this current era of COVID-19, more and more people have discovered the need for healthy boundaries. It may be true that for the first time in our life we have a legitimate excuse for not doing things. Now you’re able to say, “Sorry mom and dad, I can’t join you for the holidays” or “Sorry, I can’t see you for drinks. I’m quarantining.” You may also find yourself saying,“ I have to sign out of work, because my children need me at home.”

Taking precautions in the name of the greater good finally gave us permission to step back.

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Social distancing for some can provide the opportunity to take a break from our usual social obligations. I often witness how many of my clients say “no” to others, but still feel guilty. The question is why did it take a pandemic for us to form healthy boundaries and become more assertive?

For many, taking precautions in the name of the greater good finally gave us permission to step back. The innate drive of self-preservation in the face of a universal danger may play a role. It’s also possible that some people are simply running out of energy. This pandemic has pushed us to our limits and we’re running on empty. People feel like they have to protect themselves not only from the virus, but from the demands of others. When we’re placed under immense pressure, it’s not uncommon to shut down in self-protection.

Explore the power of healthy boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is about being able to tell others what we want and what we expect from them.

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Setting boundaries is vital to our emotional wellbeing. Healthy boundaries help people to thrive and feel empowered in their lives. Setting healthy boundaries is about being able to tell others what we want and what we expect from them. It includes setting limits, and letting others know how we want to be treated. It’s also about knowing and communicating what we will and will not tolerate. Setting boundaries establishes what is healthy for us, and what is not. Cultivating the ability to say “No, that doesn’t work for me,” is powerful.

Reflect on the origin of your own boundaries

Why is setting healthy boundaries so difficult for some? The ability to form healthy boundaries is often rooted in our family of origin. It’s easy to follow the same patterns we experienced in childhood. These patterns may be maladaptive now, yet feel “safer” and more familiar. As adults it’s helpful to periodically examine our behavior and ask questions such as:

• Do I have firm, individual self-boundaries, and self-worth?
• Do I meet my own needs, and practice assertiveness?
• Am I quick to meet other people’s needs before my own?
• Do I feel uncomfortable and guilty when saying “no” to others?
• Do I tell white lies instead of telling the truth for the sake of “keeping the peace” or to avoid confrontation?
• Do I fear people will judge me if I’m not comforting to others’ needs?
• Do I take care of myself? Are my needs met?

It is important to stop and think about why we do what we do. Often, we copy the patterns from our family of origin. Are we quick to jump into problem solving mode which skims the surface? Perhaps we saw how our parents weren’t able to talk about underlying issues. We may have grown up with parents who didn’t ask how we felt but instead told us what to think and do. Sometimes there are cultural and societal expectations. For example, some cultures put pressure on adult children to take care of aging parents. Don’t get me wrong, children supporting aging parents is a selfless thing. However we may be crossing boundaries when a child feels responsible for their parent’s happiness and wellbeing.

For example, let’s consider well-meaning in-laws who continue to drop by unannounced to see your newborn. You feel like you barely had time to unpack your hospital bag before they arrived. Their frequent visits at all hours of the day are leaving you feeling drained and intruded upon. Let them know that you appreciate their visits, but need some time alone during this adjustment period. You’ll invite them over when you are more rested and feel ready to welcome visitors again.

Objectively, this is a reasonable boundary. Yet, you may be accused of being unkind or selfish by others for keeping the new grandchild from the loving grandparents. This pushback may lead to feelings of guilt which may cause you to abandon your healthy boundary. When negative feelings and disapproval from others is overwhelming, this is when we often abandon our boundaries. For the moment, we’ve kept the peace and gained temporary relief from feeling bad, but at our own expense.

By setting boundaries you’re in fact honoring what you need.

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Remember, by setting boundaries you’re in fact honoring what you need. It’s important to hold the tension of saying no. They may complain to you or even try to stop by again hoping you’ll change your mind. In which case, perhaps you choose not open the door or answer the telephone. Following through on healthy boundaries means honoring your needs even when others may disagree.

The bottom line for creating healthy boundaries

If something doesn’t feel good, it’s generally not good for us. In one recent session with a client, she described how she was asked to drive a friend to the airport. Since she did not have a job, she felt obliged. Now, this client is terribly afraid of driving on busy roads, but was ashamed to admit this to her friend. She reluctantly agreed with high anxiety and off they went. She ended up hitting a toll booth. Both the driver and her passenger were quite scared. Since then she has learned the benefit of saying “no,” and practices establishing healthy boundaries with others.

It can be difficult, but one way to begin to set healthy boundaries is to stop placing so much value on what other people think and feel. It’s important that we stop living our lives based on what we should do according to others. Let’s focus on self-acceptance and treat our own needs without judgment or criticism. Be brave enough to tell people how you feel and what works or doesn’t work for you. Say yes to cultivating the personal authority that is already within you. When you do this, you will be able to also say yes to the requests that align with you and say no enthusiastically to those that don’t.

Your Turn: How can you begin to set healthier boundaries? I’d love to hear how you are creating new boundaries in the comments below.

Oftentimes, couples avoid talking about the two subjects that are crucial to their wellbeing: money and sex.  It may come as a surprise to you that as a couples therapist, I actually hear more about instances around financial infidelity than affairs in the traditional sense. While the term financial infidelity may be relatively new, the concept itself is a notoriously common issue in relationships.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity happens when one or both partners aren’t honest about their financial situation or actively hide their financial issues. This may look like making financial decisions in secrecy or not being fully transparent about how much one is spending. For some couples this can also look like hiding income, not being forthcoming about debts and large financial obligations or keeping another bank account that’s unknown to their partner.

For some, spending money without their partner’s knowledge feels like freedom and one’s right. There are some partners who don’t see anything wrong with this behavior, and it doesn’t affect the couple negatively. Often however, this comes from a place of partners wanting to avoid arguments about spending. This is especially true in the case of someone who is compulsively shopping, gambling, or otherwise spending money in a way that feels out of control.

How to Recover from financial infidelity

These behavior patterns can be upsetting to face, so what are some steps that you can take if this sounds like you or your partner? First of all, recognize that it’s quite common that someone who is more frugal attracts someone who is a spender, and vice versa. It’s human nature to  seek out what initially feels novel and fills the voids we see in ourselves.

6 practical ways you can address financial infidelity in your relationship:

1. Acknowledge what’s been compromised
2. Be honest and come clean
3. Understand your value system
4. Examine your relationship
5. Listen without judgement
6. Strive for transparency

1. Acknowledge what’s been compromised

The partner who felt cheated is going to be upset, angry, and disappointed. Just like with an instance of true infidelity, partners may experience feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, and may even want to leave the relationship. Afterall, trust and safety were compromised. 

The unspoken message, “Are you here for me?” fails to be answered positively. The reasons why we wanted to be in the relationship in the first place are broken. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and that the relationship is now different from what you once knew.

2. Be honest and come clean

For some, this might be the first time that partners examine how much they want to be together, and ultimately if they want to stay together after the betrayal, similar to an affair. First, the partners have to honestly assess their financial situation and what needs to change. Both parties have to come clean. If you’re going to recover, it’s important to understand why the financial infidelity happened in the first place.

What was the motive for the behavior, and is the secretive partner willing to work on it? Was it a gambling issue that the partner is in denial about? If the offending partner displays a willingness to address the issue there’s a greater chance for successful resolution.

3. Understand your own value system around finances

What is your relationship to money and how was this influenced by your upbringing? What were the messages that you absorbed growing up about spending and how finances should be handled in relationships? Couples need to gain a clear understanding of their own values system and beliefs about finances. There is a very important psychological aspect as to why and how we spend money, and our relationship with money.

4. Examine your relationship

A critical underlying question is: what is “wrong” with the relationship itself, and what is missing in the relationship? Perhaps we are substituting the love that we need from the partner with purchases. Sometimes, the good feeling we get from spending may be one way to meet our needs that aren’t getting met in our relationship. One of my clients shared that she would spend money in secrecy after her fights with her husband. When upset, she wanted to get back at him by purchasing an expensive item. For a brief moment, she felt validated and “happy” because she  made the purchase. Through therapy she learned that by doing this she was in fact attempting to “punish” her husband. Although the shopping helped to temporarily validate her anger, it wasn’t a solution that she could feel good about long-term.

5. Listen without judgement

As difficult as it may be, allow room for open and vulnerable conversations. Be curious and listen to what your partner might need. Listen but do your best to refrain from responding with judgement. This will just cause your partner to become defensive about their behavior.

Talk about it and let your partner know why you think and feel the way you do, and how their behavior affects you. Couples I work with who have healthy and long-lasting relationships are the ones who can have open and vulnerable conversations where they feel heard, respected, and supported by each other.

6. Strive for transparency

Both partners have to commit to being fully transparent which includes being involved in budgeting and working towards a recovery plan. Open communication is the key to resolving many conflicts overall and financial issues are no different. It’s important to lay out a plan that is realistic for you as a couple and proportionate to the financial infidelity that occurred.

The bottom line

It is possible to recover from financial infidelity when both partners are willing to work together to find a solution that supports healing. What feels right for each couple will look different, and it’s important to remember that the road towards healing isn’t always a linear journey. You don’t have to struggle alone. Receiving support from a trusted therapist can help you understand if and how you can move forward after experiencing financial infidelity in your relationship.

Your Turn: Have you ever experienced or been the perpetrator of financial infidelity? How did you decide to work through it with your partner? What helped you cope? 

Wanting things to go back to “normal,” also known as “the way things used to be,” is one of humankind’s most basic and universal tendencies. There’s comfort in the familiar, especially when you’re looking backwards. But by learning to embrace change, you can bring much more joy into your life.

I see proof of this desire to return to the past on a near-daily basis. Often, I’ll hear my clients remark at the beginning of our first session together, “I want to feel the way I used to feel,” or, “I want to get that spark back from when my partner and I first met.”

By learning to embrace change, you can bring much more joy into your life.

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While these feelings are valid and understandable, they don’t always serve us. In the words of analytical psychologist Carl Jung, “Life has always to be tackled anew.”

It’s a beautiful reality, when you consider it: Everything in the universe is in constant motion, expanding exponentially, and our psyches are no exception. Trying to recreate an idealized point in your past not only summons feelings of frustration and insatiable nostalgia, it also ignores the fact that you’ve evolved since that time in your life. You’re a different person than you were before—whether it be last year, last month, or yesterday.

Trying to return to a moment or feeling from the past simply isn’t possible as the person you are now, since you would experience even identical circumstances differently.

In each moment lies an opportunity to reinvent ourselves.

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This may sound discouraging, but it’s an empowering concept if you can accept it, because it means that in each moment lies an opportunity to reinvent ourselves. We know that from one day to the next our world may change greatly, for better or worse; yet we, too, are always adapting, shifting, and evolving with the flow of the universe. Nothing is static. In nature, organisms that do not successfully adapt to a changing environment atrophy and die.

Life as we knew it was flipped upside-down by the coronavirus pandemic, and it may be awhile before things return to “normal.” Most of us know on some level that this will be a “new normal” that will look a bit different than before.

Life always has to be tackled anew.

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Just as we cannot recreate the past as our current selves, so our societies cannot function precisely as they did before this global upheaval. Sure, things will feel strange as we adapt to a new way of living. For many, the path of change is paved with mourning and grief of lost loved ones.

But perhaps some may be able look back at times during quarantine with some degree of nostalgia. For many of us, it was a forced but in ways welcome pause from the daily grind as we finally got to turn inwards and take time for ourselves and our families.

As we continue to make sense of the new world ahead, we should remember lessons from the pandemic—one of which is that the only constant in life is change, and therefore something to be embraced.

Your Turn: Let us know how you have worked to embrace change in your life in the comments below.

As a therapist, I often get an up-close look at how current events shape the everyday fabric of people’s lives. When the holidays close in, I talk clients through the joys and heartaches such seasons can bring. When politicians are elected, bills are passed, or the economy takes a tumble, conversations can turn to more forward-thinking questions. And over the past few months, as the world has shifted and brought most of us indoors, I’ve seen how couples have coped.

It’s no secret that the monotony of cohabitation during quarantine caused some couples to reevaluate their relationships. Like many around the world, the great pause button was hit on the daily routine as we knew it. 

I’m in the unique position to work with many couples who experienced similar issues, but experienced different outcomes. I soon noticed an interesting trend with the couples I’ve worked with over the past few months.

My couples were, for the most part, like any other couple: one or both partners working high-stress essential jobs, while also taking care of children who were indefinitely home from school in their tiny Manhattan apartments. All the while they continued to experience pressure to perform at work, to fulfill their role as a partner, and for some, the added full-time pressure to be an ultra-productive parent. 

While many of the issues were the same, a unique pattern began emerging amongst the couples who were able to work through their issues and come out successfully on the other side.

Relationships Under the Magnifying Glass

Couples had to navigate uncharted territory where there was no physical escape from home. It was no longer an option to grab drinks with friends, hit up the gym, or even stay late at work. There was no retreat even outside; even parks and public spaces were often off limits. 

Many couples were, perhaps, for the first time confronted through the magnifying glass of quarantine, to the shortcomings and imperfections of their partner. Some couples had the time – without the distractions of the outside world – to finally see how their communication issues and misunderstandings were impacting their relationship. 

Some couples bonded against the unknown, and their fears brought them closer together.

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Some of my couples bonded against the unknown, and their fears brought them closer together. For others, being in close quarters brought another question, “are we really meant to be together?”

Their partnership was challenged, and values were exposed.  A lack of intimacy was exaggerated by not feeling attractive, and the humdrum of home duties and chores were a weight upon both partner’s shoulders. 

The Couples Who Got Stronger

The couples that I worked with who were successful took essential steps to better their relationships. They didn’t try to take the easy way out by blaming each other.  They worked together on their communication by actively listening to each other, which meant asking helpful questions to make sure they actually heard their partner.  One way they did this was using detailed “I feel….when you…” statements. 

Couples also experienced new ways to be intimate with one another from sex (despite it feeling less spontaneous) or by rethinking what “date nights” should look like. Intimacy is important to healthy relationships because it’s closely connected with being vulnerable, and vulnerable relationships are the ones that last.  I noticed that these couples were also gentle and compassionate with each other. Especially if one is struggling or upset, a true effort was made to connect.

Vulnerable relationships are the ones that last.

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Couples who were successful also made a conscious effort not to assume the worst about their partner, were less judgmental and more forgiving. By forgiving your partner you’re able to move on from past problems without harboring resentment, so it’s no surprise that forgiveness is key to resolving conflict. 

One way to do this is think about the outcome you want. Do you want to win the argument or heal your relationship and feel close again? This doesn’t mean dismissing what happened. Express your feelings, and then be committed to let it go. The focus needs to be on cooperation and empathy, not making the other person continue to pay for their wrongdoing. 

The Importance of Perspective

The lessons that couples learned together during the epidemic can be applied any time, not just during times of crisis. For example, approaching problems from a perspective of ‘us vs the problem’ vs ‘me vs you’ allows couples to gain a bit of emotional distance from their problems and act as a united front and examine issues with less defensiveness and reactivity. 

Express your feelings, and then be committed to let it go. Focus on cooperation and empathy, not making the other person continue to pay for their wrongdoing.

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For those couples whose relationships didn’t fare as well, perhaps the intense pressure of quarantine simply hastened the collapse of something that was already on rocky footing. While easier in practice, this also helps couples turn inward and be more willing to hear their partners’ concerns.

Ultimately, where compassion reigned, understanding was cultivated, and feeling good enough emerged, growth in the bond of their relationship blossomed.

Your Turn: what did you learn about yourself or your relationship during quarantine? How has your relationship evolved? Share your experience in the comments below.