How do you calm yourself down when you experience stress, anxiety, or dissociation?

It’s common for interpersonal stressors to contribute to upsetting thoughts and increased anxieties. Understandably these may vary from person to person depending on a variety of factors.

6. Unresolved trauma or conflicts from the past

7. Lack of meaningful relationships, loneliness or isolation

8. Change in living or work environment

9. Social pressure or criticism

10. Bullying or harassment

11. Feeling unappreciated or ignored

12. Health issues or disability

Between the pandemic, natural disasters, rising inflation, and other common life stressors, it’s no wonder that millions of people struggle with anxiety and other mental health concerns.

What do you do when it all becomes too much?

If you haven’t tried it yet, we highly recommend trying out a few grounding techniques. These have been immensely helpful for some of my own clients, so I wanted to share a few of my favorites here.

What Are Grounding Techniques?

Practicing grounding techniques is a great way to calm yourself and bring you back from the edge. These help you refocus your mind and senses.

They bring back your thoughts to the present moment, recentering yourself from the source of your anxiety, whether it’s a past trauma or a future worry.

Grounding techniques are a key component in managing symptoms or feelings of distress. There are different types of grounding techniques, but they all aim to help you cope with negative emotions and mental health problems better.

Physical Grounding Techniques

Physical grounding techniques generally rely on your five senses — particularly your sense of touch. These exercises usually also require motion or physical movement.

1. The 5-4-3-2-1 Method

The 5-4-3-2-1 method is one of the most recommended grounding techniques. All you have to do is to list things around you that you can interact with your senses, going down from five. For example:

• Five things you see
• Four things you hear
• Three things you can touch or feel
• Two things you can smell
• One thing you can taste

You can arrange the order or number of senses to your liking. It can help to say your list aloud and pay attention to things you don’t notice regularly to further focus your mind.

2. Deep Mindful Breathing

Inhale and exhale slowly, taking care to notice how each breath causes your body to move. Try to be mindful of the sensations as each breath fills your body and pushes out.

You can also practice the 4-7-8 breathing exercise:

• Inhale deeply while counting to four.
• Hold your breath for seven seconds.
• Exhale slowly to eight counts.

3. Lie Down on the Floor

You can take these grounding exercises literally and lay on the ground. When you do this, try to feel all points of contact between your body and the floor. Focus on where your head, back, shoulders, elbows, arms, legs, and feet touch the ground.

While you do these, it’s also beneficial to do your breathing exercises.

4. Designate a Grounding Chair

Choose a cozy chair where you can lean back while still having your feet reach the floor comfortably. Sit down with your feet flat on the ground, preferably with no shoes or slippers.

Focus on the points of contact between your body and both the ground and chair. Think of how the chair material feels on your skin, how your body fits the chair, and how your feet feel steady on the floor.

Incorporate intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

5. Go on a Short Walk

Take a brisk walk or a jog to let out pent up energy. You can go outdoors or just walk around your house or on a treadmill. While walking, stamping your feet intentionally and focusing on the sensation it causes can further help you concentrate on the present moment.

It also helps to take intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

6. Stretch and Exercise

Aside from walking, stretching and other exercises also serve as great grounding techniques. The important thing is to get your body moving and your mind away from your worries. 

You can do exercises in place, such as jumping jacks or jogging in place. Yoga is also a great exercise for this as it pairs well with mindful breathing and meditation.

7. Do Some Gardening

Almost any other physical activity that requires you to engage as much of your body as possible can become a grounding technique. A great example is gardening. Repetitive actions like pulling weeds are great. These allow you to pay closer attention to the sensations of what you’re doing rather than the actions themselves — without causing much (if any) potential harm to yourself.

8. Rub Your Hands Together

If you can’t get up and move around, even simply rubbing your hands together can help. You can even add in a few claps for variety. Instead of just concentrating on the action and how it feels, pay attention to the noise you make as well.

You can also try rubbing your hand over your clothes, table, chair, or other piece of furniture nearby. Notice the different textures on your skin and how it makes you feel.

9. Submerge Your Hands in Water

Dipping your hands into a bowl of water — especially if it’s cold — can shock you into focusing on your surroundings and the present moment.

When you put your hands in water, focus on how the water feels around your fingers and how it flows when you move your hands. It can also help to alternate between placing your hands into warm water then cold water.

10. Hold Ice Cubes

This is a great grounding technique if you suffer from anxiety. Just hold a couple of ice cubes in your hand for a few seconds. Concentrate on how cold the ice is and how it feels in your palms.

You can also trace the ice along your arms or legs and focus on the sensation it causes. Just be careful that the ice isn’t cold enough to cause ice burns.

11. Touch Something Comforting

The opposite of shocking your sense of touch is a good grounding technique, too. Instead, find an object with a texture that brings you joy or comfort. This can be anything — a polished stone, a fluffy blanket, or even just a soft piece of yarn. As always, focus on the sensations when you hold your grounding object.

12. Squeeze a Stress Ball

Stress balls are amazing grounding tools since they not only give you something to concentrate on but also require some strength for maximum effect. Focus your energy on two things — how the ball feels in your palm and on the strength or energy you need to really squeeze your stress ball.

Instead of simply squeezing the stress ball absentmindedly, imagine it as the source of your stress. You can also visualize putting all your anxiety into the ball as you squeeze it and then letting it go when you release your hold.

13. Play With a Fidget Cube

Like stress balls, playing with fidget cubes and similar toys like spinners can help counter your stress and anxiety. If you’re restless, then you’ll likely find fidget cubes extra useful.

The repetitive nature of fidget toys can provide anxiety relief. Always try to remain focused on your actions and pay attention to how your hands and fingers move.

Mental Grounding Techniques

These are mental exercises or distractions that primarily aim to reframe your mind and redirect you away from your upsetting thoughts and feelings.

14. Meditation Exercises

Meditation is the intentional practice of being in the present moment. This is a great technique to empty your mind and escape from the feeling of having too many thoughts — especially upsetting ones. If you’re new to meditating, there are plenty of apps that can guide you.

If you want even more effective grounding techniques, you can practice meditation while doing other physical grounding exercises, like walking, stretching, and other repetitive actions.

15. Describe Your Surroundings

Take a few minutes to look around you and describe what you see. Try to use as much of your five senses as you can.

Aside from describing what you see, describe what you feel, too. Be as detailed as you can to stimulate your brain. Is your chair soft or hard? How is the temperature in your room? What color is your table or your shirt?

16. Imagine Storing Your Feelings in a Box

Imagine filling a box with all your upsetting thoughts and negative feelings. Visualize yourself gathering all those upsetting emotions and balling them up, then putting them in a box and locking the box securely. The idea is not to suppress or stuff your emotions for good, but instead contain them until you feel ready to revisit them.

19. Count Backwards

We know not all of us are math people, but numbers offer a nice distraction. A simple way to use numbers to center your thoughts is to count backwards from 100. You don’t necessarily need to reach one. Just keep counting backwards until you feel calmer, more in the present, and farther away from your upsetting thoughts.

20. Play Sudoku

If you’re open to slightly more difficult number-based grounding techniques, then answering a Sudoku puzzle is a really good one. Sudoku can be quite the challenge and requires your full mind power. This means you need to be fully in the present moment. 

Other brain exercises and puzzle games like word searches, jigsaws, crossword puzzles, and tetris-like block puzzles work, too.

21. Recite a Poem or Passage 

Quietly recite a poem, book passage, or even the lines from a movie scene that you know by heart. You can also recite the lyrics of a song you love. For greater effect, try visualizing the words as you’d see them when written on a page.

Saying the words out loud instead of just in your mind is preferable, but if that isn’t possible, you can also just say it in your head. It will still help redirect your thoughts away from what’s causing your anxiety. 

Soothing Grounding Techniques

These are a mix of both physical and mental grounding exercises. Instead of simply redirecting your mind away from upsetting thoughts, soothing grounding techniques focus more on making you feel at ease.

22. Make a Warm Drink

Make your favorite comforting, hot beverage. Whether this is tea, coffee, or hot chocolate is up to you. While preparing your drink, you can also practice mindfulness. Take note of each movement you make and how everything you touch feels. When you’re done making it, take a seat somewhere relaxing and savor each sip of your drink.

23. Take a Bath or Shower

Like with other grounding techniques, be mindful of each step you take in preparing your bath or shower. When you do get in the bath (or shower), let the water envelop you — pay extra attention to how it makes you feel.

Many prefer warm baths to really soak in, unwind, and release all their stress. On the other hand, cold showers are great too, especially if you want to jolt yourself out of a “fight or flight” mindset. 

24. Sit or Lie Down With Your Pet

Cuddling with your pet is amazing for relieving stress, anxiety, and general worries. Spending a few minutes just sitting with them and stroking their fur is a huge help. Concentrating on the feeling of their fur or the up-and-down movement of their chest also adds to their calming effect.

Additionally, the positive effect of pets on stress is scientifically proven — they actually lower the levels of stress-related hormones and blood pressure.

25. Smell Something Familiar

You can light a candle, spray on perfume, open a packet of comfort food, or light some incense. Familiar scents can help you feel calmer. For some, it may be a food or drink they find comforting. For others, it’s something they associate with a person or event that makes them feel happy or safe. 

26. Listen to Calming Music

The type of music depends entirely on your tastes. In general, instrumentals like classical music or jazz are calming for most people. If that’s not your style, then just listening to your favorite music — whether it’s an upbeat or mellow song — is an effective way to distract and comfort yourself.

27. Listen to ASMR

Aside from calming music, listening to ASMR or autonomous sensory meridian response videos can be a great grounding technique, too. ASMR is a relaxing sensory experience, where sounds (and sometimes visuals) are used to “trigger” a calming yet spine-tingling sensation to help you feel more relaxed.

You’ll find tons of ASMR videos online. These videos are characterized by clear sounds from everyday objects and soft whispers.

Putting on your favorite TV show or reading a book or graphic novel can work as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

28. Put on Your Comfort Show or Movie

Putting on your favorite TV show or a movie from your to-watch list is a great way to mindfully distract yourself from unwanted thoughts and emotions. Watching something — as well as reading a book or graphic novel — works as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

29. Watch a Funny Video

If you don’t have time to watch a two-hour movie or even a 45-minute show, then short but funny videos work just as well. A good meme or a clip from your favorite comedian’s latest show can help diffuse any intense emotions you may be carrying. Laughing can help you feel lighter, so you can later tackle the source of your stress with a clearer head.

30. Color in a Coloring Book

In recent years, coloring books have become quite a trend — even among adults. This is thanks to the soothing effect coloring can give you. It not only calms the brain but also keeps it active as you pick out colors and try to stay inside the lines. Coloring also promotes mindfulness and embracing the imperfect.

31. Plan a Fun Activity for Later

Doing something now isn’t the only way to ground yourself to the present moment. Planning something you will enjoy can give the same benefits. This can be something as simple as planning what to cook for yourself or visiting a new cafe with a friend. It can also be an activity that requires more preparation, like an out-of-town trip or going to a concert.

32. Picture Your Favorite Place

If you can’t go to your favorite place physically, then you can visualize it instead. Close your eyes and imagine actually being there — whether it’s a far-off place or your childhood home. Try to remember how the place feels, smells, and even what the surroundings sound like.

33. Imagine the Face or Voice of a Loved One

Alternatively, you can also visualize a loved one. It’s important to choose someone that you associate with comfort and safety, or someone who has a calming effect on you. Instead of just picturing how they look, think about how their voice sounds, how they smell, and what they might say.

34. List Down Things That Bring You Joy

What makes you happy? Think about your favorite things — the things that make you smile and leave you with warm, fuzzy feelings inside. You can list them down mentally or on paper. These can be your favorite foods, color, songs, people, or even places you want to go to. Visualize each item you list down as clearly as you can before moving to the next one.

35. Say Words of Affirmation

Being kinder to yourself and saying words of affirmation out loud can work wonders in calming you down and soothing your worries. Examples of affirmative, compassionate words are:

• This will pass.
• I will be okay.
• I’m strong.
• I’m doing my best.
• This is only temporary.
• I can do this.

Get the Most Out of Grounding Techniques

The key to getting the most out of these grounding techniques is to practice them regularly. Making them a part of your daily routine makes it easier for you to fall back on these practices as soon as you notice yourself in distress or on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Grounding techniques are effective in helping you manage your mental health by yourself. Speaking with a therapist can help you further improve your mental state, as well as learn new grounding exercises.

At Clarity Therapy, we offer a free therapist matching service to help you get connected with the right therapist for you. Simply share your preferences on our questionnaire and our clinical team will provide personalized recommendations to your inbox. All of our therapists provide complimentary phone consultations, so you can see if it feels like a good fit before starting therapy.

Your Turn: Have you found particular grounding techniques helpful in your day to day routines? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

If you’ve suffered the loss of a loved one during the pandemic, and you’re struggling to readjust to normal life, you’re not alone.

Many people, right now, are wondering why they can’t move on or why they feel “stuck” in their grief. Prolonged grief disorder may provide some much-needed answers – and relief.

What you’re going through is not your fault. It’s an understandable response to an incredibly painful experience of loss and the inability to process that loss fully due to the pandemic.

Knowing the signs of prolonged grief disorder can help you or someone you care about get the help they need.

What is Prolonged Grief Disorder

Prolonged grief, also referred to as complicated grief, has just been added to the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) in light of the pandemic. This goes to prove that we still may not completely understand the far reaching impact COVID-19 has had on our collective mental health.

Prolonged Grief Disorder looks like an intense longing for the person you’ve lost and fixation on thoughts of the deceased. Someone suffering from prolonged grief may find it difficult to function on a daily basis and struggle to return to a new normal.

Getting support immediately when you recognize the signs can break the cycle and help you start your healing process.

Prolonged grief differs from normal grief in intensity and duration. The grief reactions you tend to see in the days or weeks immediately following a death – crying, trouble sleeping and eating, withdrawing from relationships – may go on for months or even years after the loss.

While there is no exact threshold for when normal grief crosses into prolonged grief, the new diagnosis states that if you remain incapacitated and unable to return to your daily life 12 months after a loss, you may be suffering from prolonged grief disorder.

It’s important to remember that since everyone moves through grief at their own pace, the 12 month guideline should be taken as a rule of thumb. The duration of your grief is not the only determining factor. It’s when grief becomes debilitating and goes beyond what is considered normal that can indicate prolonged grief disorder.

Prolonged Grief Disorder Criteria

People who suffer from prolonged grief disorder may look like they cannot fully move on from their loss. They struggle to accept the loss and cope with it on a day to day basis. It’s a feeling of being trapped in their grief and not knowing how to break the cycle.

These symptoms, especially if they persist for over 12 months, can signal prolonged grief disorder. But remember, you don’t have to wait until the 12th month mark in order to seek help. Getting support immediately when you recognize the signs can break the cycle and help you start your healing process. Other indicators of prolonged grief include:

• Intense longing for the deceased
• Denial and inability to accept the loss
• Ruminating thoughts about the deceased or the circumstances surrounding their death
• Feeling numb
• Believing that life is meaningless
• Problems functioning in your social, work, or school life
• Avoiding reminders of the deceased
• Feeling as though a part of you has died
• Catastrophizing about the future
• Self-blame
• Difficulty planning for the focus
• Anger or irritability
• Difficulty focusing
• Feeling alone or detached from others

Who’s at Risk?

People who have lost a primary relationship – such as a partner, child, or parent – are at higher risk for developing prolonged grief disorder. Deaths that are abrupt or violent can also put you at higher risk.

Lastly, the sheer magnitude of loss caused by the COVID-19 pandemic puts many more people at risk of developing prolonged grief disorder.

Navigating the loss of a loved one under normal circumstances is difficult enough. When you step back and see how the pandemic took away many of the structures in place that help people cope with a loss, you can understand why this loss may look and feel different.

Not being able to be by your loved one’s side in their final moments, celebrate their life, or lean on your support system could have strongly disrupted your grieving process. It could have even made it impossible to move forward.

We don’t know yet what far-reaching implications the pandemic has had on people’s grieving process. But the introduction of a new diagnosis may give people the language and the tools they need to seek help.

How Therapy can Help 

Thankfully, recognizing prolonged grief disorder in yourself or someone close to you is the first step toward healing. Prolonged grief disorder is responsive to treatment, and therapy can help you find your way back to yourself. You can learn to live with loss and find the ability to be happy again. 

If you’re suffering with intense and unrelenting feelings of grief, schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists specializing in Prolonged Grief Disorder today. 

Your Turn: Do you suspect yourself or a loved one has experienced Prolonged Grief Disorder? Share your experience and how you cope in the comments below.

Under the No Surprises Act, you have the right to request a Good Faith Estimate that details the costs associated with your care. A Good Faith estimate can help you better understand your healthcare costs and empower you to make a decision that works for you.

The No Surprises Act was passed in December 2020 to protect healthcare consumers from unexpected medical bills. But what does The No Surprises Act mean for you? We’re here to help you understand your rights as a client under the newly passed law. 

We’ve compiled the most frequently asked questions about the No Surprises Act and Good Faith Estimates so that you can gain clarity surrounding costs for therapy.

What is a Good Faith Estimate?

A Good Faith Estimate is an estimate of the total cost associated with your healthcare services. Good Faith Estimates are meant to reduce the incidence of surprise medical bills.

Good Faith Estimates include the costs associated with your regularly scheduled appointments. If you see your therapist once a week, your estimate will give you an idea of how much you’ll spend on therapy for the upcoming year.

Good Faith Estimates do NOT include costs associated with

• Cancellations

• No-shows

• Emergency sessions/crisis care

At Clarity Therapy, we offer Good Faith Estimates that project 1 year in advance. Based on the frequency of your sessions, we are able to offer an estimate for your total expected therapy costs for the year.

Keep in mind that this estimate will likely overestimate your costs since it doesn’t take into account holidays and cancellations. A Good Faith Estimate is, of course, just an estimate and not an exact amount.

Does a Good Faith Estimate apply to me?

If you see a private-pay or out-of-network provider, you are entitled to a Good Faith Estimate. The therapists here at Clarity Therapy NYC are out-of-network providers and are required to provide you with a Good Faith Estimate.

If you see a private-pay or out-of-network provider, you are entitled to a Good Faith Estimate.

How do I request a Good Faith Estimate?

If you are an existing client, your therapist will ensure that you receive a Good Faith Estimate and your receipt of your Good Faith Estimate is documented. Good Faith Estimates will be kept on file if you should ever need them.

For existing clients, once you request a Good Faith Estimate, your therapist is required to provide one within 3 business days. For new clients, we will provide you with a Good Faith Estimate as long as you schedule your appointment at least 3 days in advance.

Lastly, you do not need to use the exact phrase “Good Faith Estimate” in order to receive one. If you inquire about the cost associated with your care, we’ll automatically generate a Good Faith Estimate for you.

Am I obligated to receive the services listed out in my Good Faith Estimate?

You are under no obligation to receive the services listed out in your Good Faith Estimate. Good Faith Estimates are simply estimates, not a binding contract. Receiving a Good Faith Estimate does not require you to receive the services listed in the estimate.

Good Faith Estimates are simply a tool for you to understand your healthcare costs and make an informed decision about your care.

When can I expect to receive my Good Faith Estimate?

If…                                             Then…

Can I waive my right to a Good Faith Estimate?

At this point in time, there is no way to waive your right to a Good Faith Estimate. All new and existing clients will be given Good Faith Estimates. 

What happens if my Good Faith Estimate ends up being wrong?

Under the No Surprises Act, you can dispute your bill if the cost of your healthcare services exceeds your Good Faith Estimate by at least $400.

You can start the dispute resolution process here.  An independent, third-party will then review your claim and determine an appropriate payment. You must pay a $25 fee in order to start this process.

How will Good Faith Estimates be delivered?

Under the law, Good Faith Estimates must be distributed either on paper or in a printable format if it’s delivered electronically. 

Your Turn: Have questions about how to receive a Good Faith Estimate from your therapist? Share below or contact us at hello@claritytherapynyc.com for more guidance.

Self-love is a term that has gained more and more traction in recent years, and for good reason. Self-love is a beautiful and vital practice available to each and every one of us at every juncture in our lives, but I find that the general understanding on the topic needs to be expanded upon. Oftentimes, the discussion on self-love is conflated with self-care, another important but distinct concept.

What is the difference between self-love and self-care?

Self-care encompasses any and all of the practices you might do to relax, recharge, or release—taking a bubble bath, curling up with a good book, or going for a run to let off some steam are all examples of self-care activities. Self-love, on the other hand, is a broader, more expansive concept which includes several different practices, only one of which manifests as self-care. In other words, while self-care is beautiful, there is more to loving yourself than taking baths and working out.

Self-love is the ongoing practice of developing a healthy and compassionate relationship with oneself. Self-care, accountability, discipline, self-forgiveness, and confidence are all practices which fall under the larger umbrella of self-love.

Self-love isn’t just something that happens to us

To truly love yourself requires intentional effort and affirmation. Contrary to popular belief, self-love can be messy; it includes all the tough work of being vulnerable, getting to the root causes of our pain and misery, and forgiving ourselves for perceived shortcomings and mistakes.

The wonderful thing is, self-love is available to every one of us. In fact, we are all pure love and light at the cores of our being. No one is born with pain and suffering—we are all born beacons of light and possibility. As we age, however, we pick up burdens and scars from life that can push us further and further away from that original loving essence.

Over time, we start to identify ourselves with our suffering, forgetting that that inner child that lives within was never meant to live that way. On the contrary, self-love is both your origin and your birthright, and you can return no matter how far you think you’ve strayed.

3 ways to practice self-love and build compassion for self:

1. Encourage yourself intentionally
2. Hold yourself in high regard
3. Get to know yourself

Tip 1. Encourage yourself like you would encourage a child

When babies are born, we never peer into the crib and imagine all the failures and mistakes they’ll go on to make. We raise children to believe in themselves, to dream big, and to try, try again when they fall. As adults, we need the same kind of encouragement and reassurance, but we must give it to ourselves!

The next time you find yourself beating yourself up over a mistake or dwelling on a missed opportunity, imagine you are talking to the five-year-old you. What would you say to make that little girl or guy keep going? Nurture your inner child so that the adult you can thrive.

Self-love is the ongoing practice of developing a healthy and compassionate relationship with oneself.

Tip 2. Hold yourself to the same standards of love that you hold others

For the most part, we can all recognize unhealthy behaviors when they come from romantic partners—lying, cheating, breaking commitments and promises. So, why do we accept this behavior from ourselves?

Self-love means holding yourself accountable and honoring yourself by following through on the commitments you make.

Demand the same respect from yourself that you’d demand of a partner. You wouldn’t date someone who puts you down or emotionally abuses you, so don’t do those things to yourself. How do you expect your mind to be a safe place if you constantly feed it negative thoughts of self-doubt and misery? How do you expect your body to know you care for it if you constantly pick it apart in the mirror, or neglect it with poor diet and exercise habits?

Self-love means examining your actions to make sure they’re in alignment with the vision you have for yourself. Some good questions to ask are, “am I honoring the commitments I’ve made to improve my life?” “Am I being true to the promises I made?” “Am I a good partner to myself?”

Tip 3. Make an effort to get to know yourself more deeply

How often have we been stumped when someone says, “so tell me about yourself”? The truth is we spend so much of our lives consuming and reflecting other people’s energies that it can be hard to distinguish who we really are when we’re not being stimulated by outside people or events. But just as you would take the time to get to know someone before you commit to them, you must take the time to get to know yourself.  

When I say get to know yourself, I mean beyond your favorite foods or TV shows. I mean, do you know what makes you tick? Do you know what your passions are, your insecurities? Have you uncovered the pain behind the baggage you carry? Have you learned how to forgive yourself and others?

To gain some clarity on these questions I recommend integrating mindfulness practices into your routine, and seeking assistance with yourself work through therapy.

Self-love and compassion starts with you

Seeking affirmative therapy services is an excellent example of practicing self-love. It shows an acknowledgment of where your life can be improved, and a commitment to bettering your self-image and subsequently, your life circumstances.

It is important to note that loving yourself doesn’t mean feeling perfect or awesome all the time.

On the contrary, loving yourself means reminding yourself that you are still light and love, even and especially when you don’t feel that way. It’s accepting and embracing yourself in all forms, at all stages, and taking steps to evolve in healthy and productive ways.

Your Turn: Are you embarking on a self-love journey? Perhaps you have had success building self-compassion through other tips? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Sometimes, no matter how much we love or connect with a person, it can prove difficult to maintain a connection that endures all. Obstacles, differences of opinion, and unexpected life circumstances inevitably crop up and put our relationships to the test. In these moments we are shown the importance of practicing empathy as a way to relate to others and strengthen our relationships.

What is empathy?

Empathy forges true human connection through the suspension of judgement in order to relate to another person with genuine support, compassion, and understanding.

Oftentimes, people offer understanding that is only surface-level. This may be because we struggle to comprehend circumstances, feelings, or perceptions outside of our own inner experiences. This can translate into support that is well-meaning, but feels hollow to the receiver. We say things like, “cheer up,” or “I hope you feel better,” and while we may mean them earnestly, they do little to make the other person feel truly understood or consoled.

This can be a point of conflict in different types of relationships including those that are romantic, platonic, and familial. When we attempt to offer support without exercising true empathy, our good intentions often unfold into undesirable outcomes such as pity, condescension, or the desire to “fix” others. Only empathy enables us to offer true support to those we care about most.

How to practice empathy:

Below, find some ways you can begin to practice empathy as a way to enrich your relationships and sharpen your interpersonal skills.

1. Listen to Understand
2. Leave Judgement at the Door
3. Ask Questions
4. Validate Thoughts and Feelings
5. Practice on Yourself

1. Listen to understand. Avoid giving advice or trying to “fix”

One of the most empathetic things you can do is to listen and say, ‘I hear you. I understand why you would feel that way.’

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2. Leave judgement at the door

A true key to empathizing is to refrain from judgement. This doesn’t mean that you must always agree with the other person’s viewpoint. If you find yourself in disagreement when listening to a frustrated friend or loved one, pause and try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Intently listening to someone else’s life experience without judgment can help develop an understanding only empathy can create.

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Remember that they are a unique person with a unique set of life experiences that have led up to this moment (and their current interpretation of the situation). Understand that they are not obligated to feel, see, or understand things the same exact way that you would, but their pain is real, nonetheless.

Intently listening to someone else’s life experience without judgment can help develop an understanding only empathy can create. It helps one to see the world from beyond his or her perspective.

It can also help you become more imaginative about how to manage your own challenges, as you attempt to put yourself in another’s position.

3. Ask questions

Try asking a question that prompts the other person to feel heard. “I see, and how does that make you feel?” “That’s awful. Is there anything at all I can do to help?” Something as simple as this lets the person know that they have been heard, and that you’re there for them. Asking a question also allows the other person to take a brief break from any emotional struggle to reflect upon what exactly they may need in that moment.

4. Validate the other person’s thoughts and feelings

Being empathetic requires you to go outside of yourself and be of genuine service to someone. It’s comfortable and reassuring for us to know that we’re not alone, that your feelings have merit, and that you’re not “crazy,” despite how you may feel.

When empathizing with someone, it’s very helpful to validate the way that they might be feeling. Try saying something like, “I understand,” or, “It’s natural to feel that way sometimes. You’ll get through this.”

Offering words of encouragement or comfort go a long way to making others feel genuinely uplifted.

5. Practice having empathy for yourself

Before we can extend empathy to others, it’s key that we learn how to be empathetic with ourselves. As we develop compassion and patience for ourselves – our perceived flaws, mistakes, and shortcomings – we grow to become more tolerant of imperfection in others.

Empathy strips away judgement and bridges the gap between us with love.

The more we work on loving ourselves unconditionally, the more easily we can extend that pure love to the next person. Practicing with daily affirmations is another powerful way to practice empathy with yourself that will positively impact your interactions with family members, friends, partners, and even strangers.

Empathy strips away judgement and bridges the gap between us with love.

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Remember, when someone chooses to share a bit of their hardships with you, they are giving you a gift of their trust and vulnerability. The best way to honor that gift is to come to the table with an open heart and open mind.

Practicing empathy allows you to contribute to a better and brighter communal pool of human energy.

Your Turn: How has practicing empathy improved your communication or relationships? How do you practice empathy with yourself? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.

We say that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, but do we honestly believe it? Our thoughts – the beliefs we hold about ourselves and others – are what guide our feelings, shape our behaviors, and influence how we experience the world.

It is your birthright to be happy and comfortable in your skin, and the only way you can get there is by being aware of your thought patterns and disrupting negative narratives.

What is a negative narrative?

Negative narratives are the bad stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. They are the hyper-critical self-talk that plays on a loop in our heads: “I’m not good enough.” “I never do anything right.” “I’m a failure.”

It’s a fact that all humans make mistakes. So why do we hold on so tightly to our pasts? When we cling to negative self-talk we unconsciously take our mistakes along with us on our life journey.

When faced with circumstances that remind us of the baggage we’ve been lugging around, we repeat the sad story and prevent ourselves from intentionally learning from the past and living fully in the moment. By reliving the errors we once made, we force new life experiences into the confinements of the past. 

When we cling to negative self-talk we unconsciously take our mistakes along on our life journey.

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Living this way seems safe because it’s familiar – some of us have been repeating the same narrative for years – but we need to allow ourselves the opportunity to participate in new, positive experiences where we can display our growth and evolution.

Let go of your old, oppressive stories and allow yourself to be light with forgiveness and understanding.

So how can we change our negative self-talk?

Change happens through daily practice. Every day, practice focusing on identifying something that you are grateful for, something you are excited about and something that makes you happy. Practicing mindfulness and uplifting thoughts can help to change the nagging, negative narratives that pop up when life or people disappoint us.

Include daily reminders like, “The Universe is conspiring for you” and “You’re doing great, give thanks” in your Google calendar or your phone. You can even post uplifting reminders on your bedroom wall or bathroom mirror, so you’re confronted with positivity first thing in the morning.

We never know when we’ll be faced with problems, so having daily reminders of our greatness can help realign our thoughts on hard days.

Self-awareness is key for disrupting negative self-talk

Understanding you have the power to control your mind can be life-changing.  Click to tweet

The life-changing power of choice

Life isn’t perfect, but we have the power to decide what we focus on and what we think about.  This power can change any undesirable situation into a lesson to propel you forward towards your best life.

Believe in the power of choice – your beliefs guide your life, so decide to believe that you are in control. You have the ability to choose how you will react in any circumstance. Decide that once the adverse situation has passed or been resolved, you don’t have to relive it anymore. You are given the opportunity to access new insightful experiences every day.

Use your power for good and watch your life transform.

Your Turn: How do you combat negative-self talk? What strategies have been successful for you? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below. 

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.

Love: Everyone wants to experience it, and yet many of us are also scared of it, because in order to truly be open to love, we must also allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

What is vulnerability, and why does it terrify us? 

Vulnerability is a willingness to show your own humanity to others, despite the risk of criticism or judgement. Sometimes misunderstood as weakness, vulnerability is actually one of our greatest expressions of humanity as it allows us to deepen and strengthen our connections with other people.

As children, many of us are discouraged from showing vulnerability. We’re taught that to cry, emote, or talk about our feelings is to be fragile, ridiculous, or somehow “less than” the people around us. 

“Never let ’em see you sweat,” “boys don’t cry,” and “toughen up” are just a few of the worn-through idioms that might have been fed to us throughout our adolescence, until these archaic, clichéd mantras became invisible yet dominant narratives in our lives. As children, we learn quickly to stuff our feelings deep down where no one can see or reach them. But then, something peculiar happens.

When we put up walls to block others from seeing our emotions, we often lose the ability to access them ourselves. 

As children we may appear fearless, but as our world becomes more oppressive, we may ultimately grow up to become emotionally stifled adults who struggle to effectively cope with unwanted feelings. 

This leads to increasingly less effective and assertive communication skills in the workplace, as well as less openness and communication in friendships, and—you guessed it—unnecessarily dramatic or lackluster romantic relationships. 

Ironically, our very efforts to protect ourselves are what block us from the very thing we want most: love. When we put up walls to block others from seeing our emotions, we often lose the ability to access them ourselves. In essence, we cut ourselves off from our own humanity.

How to be vulernable

So how do we get out of our own way? We get vulnerable. When we learn how to effectively tap into our vulnerability, we see that it is not a weakness, but perhaps our greatest strength. Here are three tips on how to allow yourself to be more vulnerable and improve the quality of your relationships.

3 Tips for Practicing Vulnerability

Tip 1. Be explicit about your wants and needs
Tip 2. Be honest and forthcoming about your feelings
Tip 3. Be receptive to support

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Tip 1. Be explicit about your wants and needs

So many of us struggle with speaking up about exactly what we want out of our relationships. We don’t want to put ourselves into the vulnerable position of expressing an earnest desire for fear of receiving an unwanted answer. However, as the saying goes, “a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.” In other words, the only way to get what we need from other people is to make it known.

A few moments of vulnerability are never as uncomfortable as living with less than what you desire.

Do you desire more appreciation, a raise, or a title change to reflect your growth in the workplace? Why not advocate for yourself and set up a meeting with your boss and talk about your professional desires and everything you’re doing to reach them? 

Do you wish your partner would spend more quality time with you? Speak up and tell them what you need. When communicating with a loved one, use phrases such as “I need,” “I want,” “I hope for,” etc., so that expectations are out on the table. You may worry about your partner’s response, but remember: 

A few moments of vulnerability are never as uncomfortable as living with less than what you desire. Your emotions are there to guide you, and showing your emotions will bring you closer.  

When you get crystal clear on what you expect from others, you’re more likely to gain tangible results. Yes, sometimes people will let us down—that’s always a risk—but you’re more likely to get what you want by showing what you want. 

Best-case scenario, you express your needs and your expectations are met or even exceeded. Worst-case, you learn that the other person simply isn’t able to provide what you want, and you’ve freed yourself to look for someone else who can meet your needs. 

Tip 2. Be honest and forthcoming about your feelings

It may seem easy to have a successful relationship if you avoid all of the difficult “emotional” stuff, but the reality is that our vulnerability and authenticity is more likely to inspire others and draw people closer to you. This is because in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to know that the other person accepts you unconditionally. They can’t do that if you never give them the chance to truly know you. Letting your guard down may not be easy, but it’s critical to having a truly intimate relationship. 

You should feel comfortable talking about your fears and insecurities, just as when you talk about your hopes and desires. 

If you find yourself struggling to discuss tough subjects with your partner, try using this affirmation: “My relationship is a safe space where I am free to be my full self.” 

Tip 3. Be receptive to support

For many of us, the issue may not be finding someone who’s able to meet our needs but, rather, allowing that person to do so. 

When we accumulate emotional wounds from past disappointments and heartbreak, we often don’t know when, or how, to let it go. We hold on so tightly to our need for self-preservation that we can end up blocking new opportunities when they arrive. Part of being vulnerable is accepting that although you can stand on your own two feet, you can also choose to accept emotional support when it arrives and is being freely offered to you. 

When we learn how to effectively tap into our vulnerability, we see that it is not a weakness, but perhaps our greatest strength.

No matter how warm and understanding someone may be, it’s on you to choose whether you’ll cling to your wounds or dissolve your emotional barriers in order to let new people in. 

It’s okay to lean on others. As a matter of fact, doing so is a human need. It’s a sign of strength to know when to relinquish control and let someone else help and support us. Far from a sign of weakness, it’s a signal of maturity and your own humanity.

Vulnerability is vital to any healthy relationship.

The instinct to protect oneself from harm can sometimes take over areas of our lives where defense mechanisms are simply not needed, and relationships are a prime example. 

A relationship should never feel like you versus the other person; you should be a team, working together every step of the way. The sooner you relinquish your attachment to past wounds and fear, the sooner you surrender to the beauty of new possibilities and allow yourself to reap the rewards of vulnerability in the form of healthy, blossoming relationships. 

Your Turn: Letting down your guard is no easy task. How has being vulnerable changed your relationships with yourself and others for the better? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.

Being a young adult is a time of immense change. The period between your late teens and early 20s is both scary and exciting.

These are some of the most formative years of your life, which tend to shape the person you become later on in life. From teenage development and peer pressure to higher education and major career choices, the pressure of young adulthood is real.

Learn more about the issues and societal pressure young adults face in today’s world and how a therapist for young adults could help!

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Getting to Grips With Young Adult Issues

Not so long ago, the young adult period was classified as occurring between the ages of 20 and 45 years old. Today, this age range has changed drastically and now falls in the period of 18–35 years old.

Due to the numerous and rapid changes characterizing this period of life, it can be overwhelming. And the truth is, some young adults just cope far better than others.

This is where young adults may find therapy incredibly beneficial.

Young adulthood can be characterized by both intimacy and isolation.

Major Life Transitions

During a young adult’s life, they go through a number of major transitions. These are of a sexual, cognitive, emotional, and psychological nature. Basically, this a lot of change for a person to handle—especially if their emotional development is not up to par with fellow peers.

Major milestones in a young adult’s life include graduating from high school and moving into new adult roles with new responsibilities—not to mention forming new friendships, choosing a career path, moving away from home, and entering the workforce.

A young adult is also expected to accept legal responsibility for themselves, make their own decisions, and, in most cases, support themselves financially.

In a nutshell, young adulthood could be characterized by both intimacy and isolation. You are developing an intimate relationship with yourself and others while learning to live independently at the same time.

Mental Health Effects

Naturally, this time in life makes for plenty of confusion and pressure. And this is known to lead to the development of common issues such as depression and anxiety in young adults.

In fact, the rate of depression and suicide in the United States alone is among the highest in this particular age group. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately one in 10 deaths in adults is a result of suicide.

It’s worth noting that some young adults are at higher risk of suicide due to the following factors:

• Experiencing a traumatic life event
• Experiencing abuse in any form
• Family history of suicide
• Family history of depression
• Family history of mental health issues
• Being incarcerated
• Substance abuse
• Alcoholism
• Excessive amounts of stress
• Peer pressure

During this time in life, many young adults are diagnosed with mental health issues such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Other common mental health issues include eating disorders, major anxiety, and substance abuse.

In essence, all of these mental health disorders can be attributed to the major life shifts experienced by a young adult.

How a Therapist For Young Adults Can Help

The support and neutrality of a mental health practitioner can be an immense help to many young adults. This is especially true if a young adult is prone to mental health issues or depression.

But how is their support any different from that of a loving a parent? How can a therapist help during this transition from adolescence to adulthood?

In essence, a therapist is a neutral party, and they are able to act as a sounding board without judgment.

Many young adults may feel ashamed or obligated to speak about their struggles with a parent. They may also feel unsupported, pressurized, and misunderstood by those closest to them due to a changed perspective on the world.

Therapy sessions offer a young adult the chance to unload and speak about their issues with a professional who has an outside perspective on it all.

Many young adults may feel unsupported, pressurized, and misunderstood by those closest to them due to a changed perspective on the world.

Methods of Therapy

Young adults who opt for help regarding their mental health benefit from a number of different interventions and modalities of therapy.

Some of the most popular forms of therapy include cognitive behavioral therapy and interpersonal therapy. These are both highly successful forms of therapy that help young adults alter negative thought patterns. They also focus on forming personal goals and working towards those instead.

Some of the most common themes that are explored during young adult therapy include:

• Parental ties—not feeling comfortable with living independently
• Differing world views from parents—is it okay to have different beliefs?
• Fear and anxiety around being successfully independent and supporting oneself
• Confusion over life goals and how well a person really know themselves
• Unsure whether values and goals are really their own, or influenced by parents
• Peer pressure and the confusion and anxiety around not ”fitting in”

During these therapy sessions, young adults are also encouraged to lean on and develop support networks around them.

Family therapy is also an option for young adults who may be struggling to cope with changing family dynamics, such as divorce, separation, or death of a loved one.

All in all, the life of a young adult is a jumble of highs and lows that can be exhilarating and exhausting all at the same time. If your child is going through this phase in their life, keep in mind how they are coping with all of this change.

If you begin to notice signs of depression or anxiety such as changes in mood, appetite, or behavior, talk to your child about consulting with a therapist!

Take Control of Your Mental Health With Us

At Clarity Therapy NYC, we aim to help you rediscover and reconnect with yourself and the ever-changing world around you.

If you’re looking for a therapist for young adults, look no further than our young adult counseling services.

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.

When Covid-19 shutdowns began in the spring of 2020, the majority of therapists switched their practices online. The many online therapy platforms available now made that fairly easy. Teletherapy has many benefits. It helps us get the support we need to manage anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues that may be exacerbated by the current Pandemic and/or life after Covid. However, online therapy is different from face-to-face counseling because a relationship that usually feels more personal now takes place over a screen. Learn 5 easy ways to make your virtual therapy sessions feel more comfortable and effective.

Why do people need virtual therapy?

Research on mental health during the Pandemic has highlighted the growing need for mental health services in the U.S.

• In November 2019, prior to the pandemic, mental illness impacted 20% of American Adults.
• By November 2020, eight months into the Pandemic in the U.S., almost 2 out of 5 American adults were struggling with anxiety or depression.
• During the Pandemic, rates of addiction and suicidality have increased significantly and show no signs of decreasing.

The Pandemic has negatively impacted the mental health of kids, teens, and adults in significant and ongoing ways. Pandemic-related stressors include social isolation, physical health, job loss, financial instability, housing, education, childcare, and discrimination toward minorities.  This distress is on top of normal life-related stressors such as death, loss and grief, trauma, health, finances, family, professional/academic performance, and relationships.  

As a result, the demand for therapy has increased beyond what most private practices, school clinics, and community agencies can handle. The need to expand access to care will likely continue for years to come.

What are the benefits of teletherapy?

• Living in areas with few or no mental health services.
• Lack of access to therapists who specialize in specific issues.
• Accessibility issues for people with disabilities and chronic illness as well as those who are homebound.
• Less scheduling flexibility due to work schedules, childcare, and other commitments.

What are the disadvantages of counseling online?

• Virtual therapy sessions feel different, and sometimes not as powerful, as meeting in person.
• Lack of focus since people are surrounded by the distractions of home.
• Concerns about privacy on both the therapist and patient’s sides.
• Lack of a personal connection that comes from seeing and reading each others’ body language or just being in the same room.

How do I get the most out of online therapy?

While we used to exercise, socialize, work, and attend appointments in different physical spaces, many of us are still logging onto our computer or smartphone for various personal and professional interactions. This can make it hard to separate the different areas of our lives. 

While cutting out a commute and being able to multitask may be helpful in some areas of our lives, there are still pieces we need to ourselves. Therapy is one area of our lives that can deeply benefit from creating a separate, private, and distraction-free zone. 

To fully benefit from virtual therapy sessions, we need to be able to talk openly and honestly about our feelings. We need to hear and/or see our therapist respond to us. Most of the factors that make face-to-face therapy successful are still necessary for virtual therapy to work.  

Luckily, there are easy steps you can take to prepare for a therapy session and increase your comfort with doing therapy from home or wherever you are. 

5 Steps for Preparing for an Online Counseling Session

1. Switch your phone to “Do Not Disturb”
2. Change Your Location
3. Setup a Special Space
4. Set Aside Time Before and After Your Session
5. Talk About Your Virtual Therapy Experience

1. Switch your phone to “Do Not Disturb”

Preparing for your counseling session should start with putting your phone in its “do not disturb” (DND). This will ensure your therapy hour isn’t interrupted by texts, emails, or notifications. If you risk becoming distracted by a nearby computer, iPad, or other technology, turn off your alerts as well as your screens.

Shifting perspective, even by a few feet, can make a huge difference in how you feel.

2. Change Your Location

It can also be helpful to take your virtual therapy calls in a different physical location. Sitting at the same desk where you work can make therapy feel like just another chore to cross off of your to-do list.

You may want to walk through your neighborhood or a nearby park while you talk.  In some cases, your therapist may offer walk-and-talk therapy. This means they will meet you for a socially distanced walking therapy session.

If you prefer to stay home, try relocating to another spot in your living space, such as your bed or living room couch. If you live in a studio, try moving your chair so you can look out the window. Shifting your location, even by a few feet, can make a huge difference in how you feel.

3. Set Up a Special Space

You could take that previous tip a step further and set aside a nook in your home specifically for meditation, therapy sessions, and other mental health-boosting activities. This area is not used for any other kind of activity. 

A healing space doesn’t have to be a separate room with a door that closes. You can easily turn a corner of your living room or bedroom into a relaxing, comfortable space by adding some pillows, blankets, and other comforting objects.  Adding plants, essential oils, and/or a Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) therapy lamp can also help make this corner feel separate and soothing. 

If you live with others, you’ll want to make sure you discuss how each of you will use any shared space.  Make sure you respect each other’s needs, privacy, and boundaries.  

4. Set Aside Time Before and After Your Session

If you went to therapy in-person in the past, you probably had time during a car ride, walk, or subway trip to and from your therapist’s office. This time spent commuting can be really important for gathering your thoughts and then reflecting on your session. You can create this buffer time at home, as well.

If time and weather allow, plan to take a short walk or bike ride both before and after your therapy hour. Ideally, you would leave 30-60 minutes before and after a session. Mark this time in your calendar.  Canceling it is not an option since it’s essential to your health.

If you’re crunched for time, close your eyes and take slow deep breaths for 5 minutes before and after your sessions. This slowing down will help boost your focus before therapy and then give you some time to feel centered afterward.

Other suggestions for creating a separation between your daily routine and therapy include:

• Sit quietly for a few minutes without looking at a screen.
• Lie on your bed or couch with your eyes closed.
• Play with your pet.
• Look at a favorite piece of art or decoration.

5. Talk About Your Virtual Therapy Experience

Be open and honest about your experiences of virtual therapy sessions with your counselor, therapist, or psychologist. Our therapists are highly trained professionals.  They are here to help you identify and work through obstacles. That includes the therapy process itself. For therapy to work, you have to feel like you are getting what you need from the partnership with your therapist and the work itself.  

Talk about being angry or frustrated with not being able to see your therapist in person. Let them know you miss having the office as a private and separate space. Talk about how it feels to discuss deeply private issues at home and/or having them see where you live.  

Open and honest conversations may help you and your therapist figure out unique methods that work for both of you.  

Next steps for feeling more comfortable with virtual therapy sessions

Working with therapists online will probably always feel a bit different from in-person appointments.  However, there is so much to gain from working with a mental health professional from the safety, comfort, and convenience of your own home.

Working with a therapist online removes barriers to getting treatment that can help you feel better and live the life you want. Additionally, you may actually find the distance and separation make it easier to open up and speak freely.

Over time and by creating a special space for your sessions, you may be able to make it feel more authentic, personal, and focused.

Online therapy sessions are available at Clarity Therapy NYC. Our highly-trained specialists can help you tackle issues that have come up since the Pandemic or have been causing pain and suffering for a while. We work with people in NYC and throughout New York state. Contact us now to set up your virtual therapy session.

The original version of this post was written by Fiona Lowenstein on August 11, 2020

Your Turn: Have you found any ways of making virtual therapy feel more comfortable? We’d love to hear your suggestions in the comments below!

In today’s soundbite world, more people are depressed than ever before, yet they often hide in the shadows.

Dealing with depression can be difficult and even debilitating at times, so how do you know if someone is coping with hidden depression?

The symptoms can be subtle and often difficult to identify. This guide will help you learn how to spot the signs that someone may be depressed so you can take action.

Tell-Tale Symptoms of Hidden Depression

1. Fatigue and Lethargy
2. Avoidance
3. Hidden Depression and Workaholics
4. Intense Feelings
5. Too Much Focus on Others

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1. Fatigue and Lethargy

Maybe someone you know was once a “go-getter,” but you’ve noticed that lately they seem more tired than usual. Fatigue is a common sign of depression that’s often mistaken for simply being sleepy.

If you know someone who seems constantly tired or has a marked lack of energy, they could be dealing with hidden depression. The condition can be emotionally exhausting, which often leads people to be extremely fatigued.

If you ask someone how they’re feeling and it’s always met with, “I’m just so tired,” it could be a red flag.

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It’s completely normal to feel sluggish after a rough night with little sleep. But if someone seems consistently tired all the time, it may be a sign of an underlying problem.

Occasional lethargy and tiredness are normal, but chronic fatigue can be related to mental problems, physical problems, or both. If you ask someone how they’re feeling and it’s always met with, “I’m just so tired,” it could be a red flag.

2. Avoidance

Whether it’s canceling plans or staying away from social situations, avoidance is another sign that someone might be depressed. If someone you know is usually the life of the party but they seem to be withdrawing, this could be a result of depression.

People who are depressed will likely isolate themselves from friends, family members, and coworkers. If you notice someone pulling away, it could be a sign that something is seriously wrong.

Another sign of avoidance is when you ask someone how they’re feeling and they simply don’t want to discuss it. Hidden depression is just that: a condition where the person hides their problems, either on purpose or unknowingly.

If you can’t get the person to open up, consult the help of others who may be able to break the walls down. Isolation can make depression a lot worse, and they’ll need a good support system to help them through the recovery process.

3. Hidden Depression and Workaholics

This one might surprise you, but many people choose to concentrate on their work as a means to deal with depression. If someone is staying late at the office or not taking personal calls due to work, it may be an issue.

Workaholics barely rest, and they tend to put their job and career over everything else. This is a coping mechanism that allows them to re-focus on something menial or that doesn’t require any emotion.

Another sign is if the person stops finding pleasure or joy in the things they normally would. This condition is known as anhedonia, and it’s another way depressed people try to cope with their condition without being overly obvious.

Working hard certainly has its merits, but when it’s getting in the way of life it can become a serious problem. Pay close attention to people you know who have suddenly taken a stronger, more serious interest in their work and who are starting to avoid social gatherings and interactions.

Revealing that you’re in pain can be embarrassing for some people, and when they focus on helping others, it serves as a distraction.

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4. Intense Feelings

While there’s certainly nothing wrong with emotions, depressed people may express their anger or irritability in a much more intense way. If a friend is normally quiet and passive and suddenly they’re prone to angry outbursts, this is definitely a red flag.

Even a small inconvenience might send this person into a tirade or fit of anger. If this behavior is not normally like them, there’s certainly a serious cause for concern.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, some with depression may feel things much more deeply than others. For example, if a sad commercial comes on, the person may burst into tears.

Depression can make everything seem much more intense than it really is. This shows itself through a person’s reactions and emotional scale.

Sometimes, people may go from a fit of laughter to feelings of despair in minutes. If you witness this behavior, there’s no doubt that something much more complex is happening within them.

5. Too Much Focus on Others

When a person is depressed, it’s much easier for them to redirect their focus onto others. And while caring for other people is certainly admirable, they may be doing so at their own expense.

Depressed people may genuinely care about other people, but they tend to do so at a much more intense level. This is a mechanism that allows them to put up a wall so they don’t let others see their vulnerability.

If someone is going out of their way to help others but refuses to accept help for themselves, it may be a sign that they have hidden depression. Check on your friends and make sure they’re getting the help they need, too.

Revealing that you’re in pain can be embarrassing for some people, and when they focus on helping others, it serves as a distraction. Ask your friends or family how they are feeling often, and see if they are overwhelmed. If the answer is yes, don’t be afraid to extend a helping hand.

Help is Available

Hidden depression is more common than you might think, but that doesn’t mean that help is hard to find. Reach out to the people you love and check on them frequently.

Look for the signs that someone might be depressed so you can be a better listener and friend.

Contact us today to schedule an appointment and explore some of our other information on mental health and wellness on this site.

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.

If you clicked on the title to this blog, there’s a fairly good chance you’ve experienced some unsettling or downright dangerous situations centering around your racial or ethnic identity. Perhaps you’ve felt isolated, mistreated, or even physically threatened because of what you look like or how you speak. I’d like to help you unpack all of the emotions that can stem from simply living your life as a minority. A number of my clients, along with myself, have found strength and comfort in a few core therapeutic principles, which I like to think of as a Minority Bill of Rights.

As a white male, I don’t for one minute pretend to have a firsthand understanding of what it’s like to navigate life as a person of color. I fully understand and appreciate that there are certain experiences I will never be confronted with because of the color of my skin.

As a member of the LGBTQIA community, however, I want you to know that I do appreciate what it’s like to be targeted or singled out. I know what it means to be made to feel small, other, or less than because of inherent circumstances beyond my control. While I may not be living your experience, I empathize, and I want to help you reclaim your power.

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What Is the Minority Bill of Rights?

No matter your race or ethnic background, you have a birthright to feel safe, empowered, and respected in every circumstance, at all times.

It’s time to become your own advocate.

We live in a society with distorted ideas about race that are deeply and historically entrenched. Though significant strides have been made, we still have a long way to go toward positive race relations and a global community that feels warm and welcoming to all human beings.

No matter your race or ethnic background, you have a birthright to feel safe, empowered, and respected in every circumstance, at all times.

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Allyship and advocacy are invaluable resources in the battle for social equality, but if you’re a minority, no one has a higher stake in this battle than you. No one stands to gain more from minority empowerment and enfranchisement, and from uplifting and empowering media representation, than minorities themselves. If you’ve ever been made to feel less than because of who you are or where you come from, it’s time to let go of that narrative and write a new story. You deserve to be your own champion; your own example of beauty, success, talent, and skill.

Safety, respect, and self-love should not be exclusively reserved for the highly privileged.

You’re entitled to so much more.

Safety, respect, and self-love should not be exclusively reserved for the highly privileged.

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Too often, minorities are confronted with such frequent threats to their personal safety, comfort, and very existence that they begin to internalize toxic messaging. They experience microaggressions so often in every environment imaginable—from the workplace to public social gatherings to walking down the street—that these threatening messages sometimes seem reasonable. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.

If not counteracted by explicitly supportive, nurturing, and affirming messaging, feelings of inadequacy easily permeate the psyche, creating a polluted “normal.”

To combat the normalization of prejudice and bigotry, we must all remind ourselves of our Bill of Rights. Simply put, your Bill of Rights is a personalized list of affirmations curated to reassert your birth-given right to certain fundamental truths.

Use the Minority Bill of Rights to help you remember your worth and assert yourself with healthy boundaries.

The Minority Bill of Rights

As a minority, I’m allowed to …

love the color of my skin

love the texture of my hair and the shape of my eyes, nose, lips, and other racially identifying features

exist outside of socially accepted standards of beauty

enjoy the same compensation and career expansion opportunities as my non-minority colleagues

have my boundaries of personal space respected

refuse persistent and disrespectful inquiries regarding my culture or personal appearance

understand that slang, vernacular, and accents are not an indication of intelligence level

challenge laws, authorities, and institutions that threaten my right to exist

feel safe and at ease in any environment

excuse myself from any environment or situation that makes me feel unsafe, threatened, or disrespected

date and marry within or outside of my particular race

dress in whatever clothing feels comfortable and pleasing to me

exist outside of socially perpetuated stereotypes

feel protected and respected by law enforcement

openly embrace and celebrate my race or ethnic identification

identify myself outside of race and ethnicity

It’s my sincerest hope that you’ll keep this expression of a Minority Bill of Rights close to your heart. Feel free to add to it whichever truths move your spirit.

Remember, as we must respect our own rights, so must we respect the right of others to be their authentic selves. As long as by doing so we cause no harm or threat to the wellbeing of another individual, we each have the right to think, speak, and do as most genuinely reflects our purest nature.

A version of The Minority Bill of Rights originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.

There are many reasons why people miss their exes right now. The most obvious being that feelings of loneliness and isolation are amplified in these times of social distancing. However our psychological need to reconnect with a romantic partner from the past goes beyond wanting to feel less alone.

Keep reading to learn the reasons that may explain why some people may be missing their exes more than others right now.

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1.The Mind is Solution-Focused

Right now we’re feeling lonely and maybe even experiencing a lot of existential dread. This may be surrounding our choices or the status of our relationships. So how do we solve this acute loneliness that’s currently plaguing our reality? The quick and easy solution for many people is to go through their Rolodex of intimate relationships, so it’s a no-brainer that your ex would come to mind. When we think about past relationships, we often focus on where we went wrong and how we could fix things if given the opportunity.

2. A False Belief That a Relationship Can Fix Our Problems

If we’re feeling lonely, regret, or self doubt, these are all pain points that we naturally want to alleviate. A way to soothe these pain points is to adopt the false belief system that a relationship will fix the problem (or at the very least help us feel happier). Thinking about an ex may also be comforting for some and therefore may seem like the remedy to our negative feelings. When we’re motivated to squelch negative emotions, it can become even more tempting to reach out.

3. Feelings of Nostalgia are Powerful

Human beings are nostalgic by nature. People like to reminisce and to look back on the good times, or fantasize about what could have been. When we look at the past with feelings of longing, it’s easy to confuse nostalgia for a true sense of intimacy. These warm and fuzzy feelings can be intense and powerful, however they can be misleading if we’re so hyper-focused on the good times that our minds distort what the relationship was really like.

4. Mistaking Feelings of Intensity for Intimacy

Similar to nostalgia and longing, people often confuse intense, emotion-filled moments within a relationship for true intimacy. Maybe you can recall a friend in a drama-filled relationship labeling her couple as ‘passionate’ instead of recognizing what everybody else saw as clearly unhealthy. It’s normal that if we miss an ex, these feelings of loneliness, regret, and longing are especially intense right now. When we reach out to an ex, we’re likely just going to experience more intensity, instead of the intimacy we’re truly craving.

People often confuse intense, emotion-filled moments within a relationship for true intimacy.

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5. Idealizing the Past

This also ties into nostalgia. People have a tendency to paint a rosy picture of the past. We see this frequently in long distance relationships where people more easily remember the good and forget the bad. It’s convenient in the short term however it’s potentially problematic. We’re all in long distance relationships right now in this ‘new normal.’ Just like when you’re dating someone long distance, you get to imagine them at their best and idealize them. The distance allows you to project your needs and desires onto that person to create the ‘perfect’ partner. Then you conveniently forget the reality of the situation because it’s easy to forget about the problems and disappointments when you’re not physically with that person.

6. Forgetting Why You Broke Up

Remind yourself that didn’t work out for a reason. It’s common for people to regress into this ‘Magical Thinking’ mode where they are under duress; living in a fantasy world instead of reality provides a pleasant escape and is soothing in the short term. But in a far-off fantasy world they forget that the relationship ended for valid reasons and that they are in fact happier or better off having left that relationship behind. You want to try to remember the lessons that you learned from the relationship ending and let it stay in the past. Don’t try to resurrect the past.

What if I want to Reach Out to my Ex?

Just because you’re feeling lonely doesn’t mean you should cross someone’s boundaries.

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What if I’m Still Tempted to Get Back With My Ex?

A key to getting through life is learning how to heal heartbreak. Your feelings of loneliness, longing, and heartbreak are emotional signals that there’s still healing left to be done. Practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness, and extend that compassion for your ex by not acting on impulses.

Don’t Act Impulsively.

Not acting on a whim also promotes healing and simultaneously protects and honors that experience. For some, this may be the right time to do some forgiveness work. Maybe you’re having residual negative feelings towards an ex, or maybe you need to forgive yourself for how things fell apart. Focus on self-healing by engaging in loving kindness meditations and acknowledging your heartbreak.

Negative feelings are cues to work on self-compassion and self-forgiveness so that you can continue healing.

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Feelings of Loneliness Are Normal Right Now.

Idealizing the past, confusing intensity for intimacy, and forgetting why you broke up are all human experiences that are amplified in these times of social distancing. When you’re feeling intense emotions, remind yourself that getting back with your ex isn’t going to fix how you’re feeling, or any previous relationship problems you had.

When the urge to reach out persists, get curious about the ‘why’ behind your motives before hitting send. Take negative feelings as a cue to work on self-compassion and self-forgiveness so that you can continue healing.

Your Turn: Are you struggling with feelings of loneliness during this period of self-isolation? Have you been missing your ex? Let us know how you’ve been coping in the comments below.

Here’s to Love, Clarity + Staying Strong Together,

As people around the world find themselves indoors and with a bit more time on their hands, some of us may experience a strong desire for some change and some spring cleaning. When things in our environment feel out of our control, it’s helpful to develop healthy self-soothing practices, and improving the livability of our space is an effective coping strategy.

Simply by maintaining a well-organized space we can benefit from an improved sense of clarity and calm. After all, Marie Kondo’s approach of asking oneself “Does this spark joy?” helped millions of people shed mounds of clutter that was weighing them down.

But what about the clutter taking up space in our minds? Necessary self-isolation means we’re not able to maintain normal interactions with our support systems. Many of us have family, health, job or financial worries which leads to increased anxiety, stress, depression, and loneliness. Maybe we’re also dealing with grief because a loved one has been affected by the virus.

Below are some practical tips you can implement to clear the unnecessary and unhelpful clutter from your mind.

5 Spring Cleaning Tips for the Mind During Coronavirus

1. Start with 1% for your spring cleaning
2. Designate time to reflect
3. Adopt powerful mantras
4. Organize & declutter
5. Give back to the universe

1. Start with 1% for your spring cleaning

The important thing is to not get overwhelmed and attempt to change everything at once; that’s where people often fail. Start with the least daunting activity and begin putting everything into perspective. Fifteen minutes is only 1% of your day, so reframe it in your mind like you are only taking 1% of your day to make a significant improvement to your overall health.

Each morning is a brand new start and a whole new beginning. Don’t take the past with you today; wake up with a clean slate.

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Slowly start to implement this 1% into your regular routine and you’ll begin to see (and feel) improvements in your life:

In the Morning: Each morning is a brand new start and a whole new beginning. Don’t take the past with you today; wake up with a clean slate.

Use your morning to honor and connect with a shared sense of humanity. Shift your mindset by sending loving compassion to each person you pass on your drive or walk. Sending loving energy to others can quickly shift your consciousness from the negative to the positive, and shift your mind away from anxiety you were feeling.

In the Evening: Each evening, cleanse your mind and prepare yourself for sleep. Don’t drag mental baggage from the day around with you into bed, especially as you wind down.

For those of us who are working or staying exclusively at home, we no longer have this physical separation of work and home. Try to implement your own physical reset. If you can, leave your home and simply walk once around the block. Once you pass the threshold or your front door or building, commit to leaving your stress, anxiety, worry or sadness at the door.

Meditation, yoga, physical fitness, reading, and/or cooking are all great spring cleaning activities that can help bridge the gap between your daily activities to winding down at home. Instead of answering emails all day and evening, set yourself a time to officially unplug, just as you would when you turn off your computer for the night and head home.

2. Designate time to reflect

Have you ever noticed the more you try to avoid a negative feeling, the more powerful it seems to become? When negative emotions like sadness, anxiety, depression, grief or worry become overwhelming we can reduce their impact by leaning in.

You can combat this by setting aside a few moments a day to let yourself acknowledge and be curious about your negative emotions. Are you resentful because you haven’t communicated your needs? Are you holding onto past heartbreak? Are you projecting your fear onto others and imagining a dark future?

Physical space allows room for mental space, so decluttering your personal space can serve as a symbolic way to rid your mind of negative thoughts.

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Get curious about your feelings, validate them, and see how there are solutions available to you. Once your designated reflection time is up, commit to moving through your day with the positive energy of increased insight into the things that bring down your mood.

Paradoxically, you may find that by experiencing and appreciating your negative emotions instead of trying to escape them or drown in them, you start to feel wiser and stronger.

3. Adopt powerful mantras

Personal mantras are an excellent way to refocus and reaffirm relaxing, positive emotions. Some favorites are “Life starts now”, “Now is the only moment that matters”, “Life flows through me in this moment, and in each moment”, and “Everything I need already exists within me”. Pick a focus affirmation that resonates and feels most natural to you.

Whatever combination of words that feels right and good is your mantra. Your mantra can evolve over time to best suit you in any given moment or circumstance.

4. Organize & declutter

Physical space allows room for mental space, so decluttering your personal space can serve as a symbolic way to rid your mind of negative thoughts. Pick one corner of the room or one drawer and begin to declutter or organize. The goal is to eliminate what no longer serves you.

Try the Marie Kondo approach and ask yourself honestly: “Does this Spark Joy?” If it doesn’t then thank it for serving its purpose, retire it, and allow yourself to let it go. Your newly cleansed and transformed physical space can help you feel lighter, calmer and more at ease.

5. Give back to the universe during spring cleaning

Once you’ve decluttered and organized your space you may have some things to pass on that are still in good condition. By donating something, buying something or investing in something related to your own wellbeing you’re promoting the flow of money or things throughout the universe.

Why cling to something that you don’t need when it could flow through and potentially improve someone else’s life? Your conscientious donation aligns with and maintains the ever changing flow of the universe.

Your Turn: How do you like to spring clean your mindset? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.

Relaxation techniques are helpful strategies that you can implement to reduce stress and anxiety. For some, these techniques may be useful for managing unpleasant symptoms associated with panic attacks.

Relaxation techniques work by helping our body to manage the fight-or-flight response of our sympathetic nervous system. When this system is triggered it sends a signal to our brain that we’re in danger when in fact we may just be sitting on our couch.

Relaxation techniques work by helping our body to manage the fight-or-flight response of our sympathetic nervous system.

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Relaxation techniques have a calming effect on the body because they promote a physiological transition from our “fight or flight” state to our “rest and digest” state. As a result, anxiety and uncomfortable physical symptoms such as rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, perspiration or hot flashes, and negative and intrusive thoughts gradually subside.

It’s important to practice these relaxation techniques even when you are not feeling particularly anxious in order to get the most benefit. This helps re-train our brain and body back to a ‘baseline’ state that’s calm and not flooded with cortisol.

There is no single “best” technique. The best relaxation technique is simply the one that you’ve discovered works best for you, so choose one that appeals to you and can be easily incorporated into your lifestyle.

Try to practice some of these for several minutes each day if you can. By establishing this habit, you’ll have your go-to set of techniques ready to use whenever panic or anxiety arise.

7 Effective relaxation techniques to manage stress & anxiety

1. Guided meditation
2. Envision yourself radiating good energy
3. Pick-a-mantra
4. Progressive muscle relaxation
5. Simply smiling can enhance your mood
6. Controlled breath work
7. Therapy

1. Guided meditation

Guided meditation is clear, and simple. Most people feel overwhelmed when they’re faced with the prospect of having to just sit down and relax so this form of meditation can provide structure for people who feel like they need guidance and focus.

Additionally, there is something very powerful and almost primal about listening to a soothing, caring, and reassuring voice that makes us feel less alone. It’s like having the maternal or paternal voice inside our heads that we needed growing up. Having a benevolent voice guiding you shifts you into a relaxed state where you are in a more receptive mode.

This guided tutorial style also allows you to adopt more of a student role with the guided voice being your psycho-spiritual teacher.

2. Envision yourself radiating good energy

This imaginative relaxation technique requires you to be creative and imagine yourself when you are most safe, self-assured, charismatic, and in a state of flow with a better version of yourself.

Start by envisioning the person that you would have to be–the things you would have to say, the way you would have to present yourself, how you treat people–and conjure up the personality type you would need to embody in order to experience this life.

As you do this, you spend time breathing in this new image of yourself and expanding into this version of yourself so that this energy pattern becomes more of your new normal. It’s almost as if you’re imprinting this onto your psyche.

The best relaxation technique is the one that you use, so choose one that appeals to you and can be easily incorporated into your lifestyle.

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3. Pick-a-mantra

Personal mantras are an excellent way to focus on and reaffirm relaxing emotional experiences. Start by picking some kind of focus affirmation that you can proclaim as your own and reaffirm it within yourself. Pick one that resonates and feels most natural to you.

You have your own unique voice and innate wisdom, so use this to create your own special recipe. Whatever combination of words feels most right to you, then that’s the mantra that you should be rehearsing in your mind.

Some of my favorites during times of stress are statements like “Release,” “Relax,” “Life starts now,” “Everything I need already exists within me,” and “Life flows in me and through me and out into the world.”

Your mantra or affirmation should evolve and expand over time to fit what is really best suited for you in any given moment and when confronted with any given circumstance.

4. Progressive muscle relaxation

There’s a few ways you can use progressive muscle relaxation as an effective relaxation technique.

One way is to start at your toes and progressively work your way up by tensing and then releasing each muscle group in your body: from your toes to your calves, to your thighs, to your midsection, your trunk up into your chest, your arms, fingers, neck and finally in your face and the crown of your head.

A lot of people hold tension in various parts of their body and so if you can deliberately focus your attention on where your muscles are constricted or rigid, you can slowly tense and relax these muscle groups so you enter into a more relaxed state.

Try when you’re in bed to tense up your body for 10 seconds and then relax it. You can also add some visualization to deepen the effects of this exercise. Envision yourself physically releasing or letting go in a safe or beautiful place.

In essence, you can trick your brain into being happy, lower your heart rate, increase serotonin and endorphin levels, and boost your health.

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5. Simply smiling can enhance your mood

Believe it or not, the simple act of smiling can create a neurological cascade of positive feelings. In essence, you can trick your brain into being happy, lower your heart rate, increase serotonin and endorphin levels, and boost your health, even if it is a “forced” smile.

We’re not endorsing “faking it till you make it”—that’s a form of denial. We never want to be in denial. That being said, smiling is an easy way to create a counterbalance to stress and can shift your energy in stressful moments.

Try and spend 30-60 seconds gently smiling every morning and throughout your day to supercharge your mood.

6. Controlled breath work is a gamechanger

When we are stressed, our breathing slows and becomes shallow. And when we are relaxed, our breathing is deep and restorative. Luckily, you have the power to move out of this distress pattern more quickly if you harness the power of your breath.

Controlled breathing exercises can drastically reduce the stress hormones and lactic acid flowing in your body, lower your blood pressure and heart rate, nudge blood flow back into equilibrium, improve immune functioning, and increase feelings of wellbeing.

By consciously moving your breathing from your chest to your abdominal areas, breathing using the diaphragm, you move the nervous system into parasympathetic mode, you give yourself a chance to just “relax”.

7. Therapy

Therapy can help you develop each of these practices By simply giving yourself that 45 minutes or an hour to be with another human being who is interested and invested in you, and is there to reassure you that, in spite of all of the life’s stress and anxiety, that you got this.

Whether through visualization exercises or physiological methods to help you balance your sympathetic nervous system, these relaxation techniques can help you better manage your stress and anxiety. Try to implement a variety of these practical relaxation techniques and notice the difference in how you feel afterwards.

Your Turn: What techniques do you use to relax and relieve anxiety? Let me know in the comments below!