D o you ever find it difficult to say “no”? Are you so worried about upsetting other people that your needs go unmet? You may often feel like it’s your job to make everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many of us have a fear of displeasing others, and this fear may be so deeply rooted that we don’t realize how harmful it can be to our health and happiness.

People pleasing is a theme that often comes up with clients in our therapy sessions. I’ve often had clients share, whether it was at work, with friends, or in romantic relationships, they would say “yes” when they really wanted to say “no.” Perhaps you can relate to this common experience. Maybe you find yourself doing things that aren’t enjoyable or healthy, just because other people expect you to, or because it makes them happy.

And let’s face facts: We all have some of this in us. However, being too nice and accommodating others can ultimately lead to burnout—and not just physical exhaustion but an emotional exhaustion due to feeling stretched too thin and underappreciated by others. If this rings true for you, maybe it’s worth taking a step back to examine some of these behaviors.

Do you know how to tell if you’re a people pleaser? In this blog post we’ll look at some key signs and behavior patterns that could indicate that you have people pleasing tendencies, and what to do about it.

How to tell if you’re a people pleaser: common signs

1. You often feel responsible for making everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many people feel pressure to make others happy, and for good reason. We’re living in a society where we’re encouraged to take care of each other, and that means being there when someone needs us and making sure that they feel loved and cared for. This may come in the form of obvious pressure from your boss, partner, or family members, or more subtle, unspoken norms that you feel you need to live up to.

One way to tell if you’re a people pleaser can look like an extreme preoccupation with other people’s moods. For example, instead of enjoying the party you’re hosting, perhaps you’re overly concerned about others having a good time, and spend your time hyper-focused on being the perfect host. To an extent, this is normal and may make you a great party planner and all-around conscientious person. However, if anxiety about others enjoying themselves prevents you from being present enough to enjoy your own party, it may be a sign of people pleasing.

Feeling overly responsible for others can also leave you feeling like you’re constantly on duty—you may feel like you have to be there for everyone else, all the time. And when you put so much pressure on yourself to be available for others, it can become difficult to honor your own emotions or deal with your own problems without feeling guilty or like you’re letting someone else down. 

2. You feel guilty when you say no.

3. You often feel like you need to be liked by everyone.

It’s natural and normal to want to be liked by others. However, people pleasers often struggle with this above and beyond what’s healthy. Some people may feel like they need to be liked by everyone in order to be accepted and included in a certain group or social circle. You may feel like you must be liked by everyone because deep down, even unconsciously, you experience nagging feelings of inadequacy, or not feeling good enough as you are. 

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks however, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as well as feelings of guilt or shame when you don’t meet the expectations of others. Additionally, it can lead to you feeling like you can’t make decisions for yourself or that you need to please everyone. 

Here are a few ways you can shift your focus internally if you find yourself seeking external validation:

• • Take time to practice self-care and self-compassion. 

  • Remind yourself of your worth and values. 

  • Practice positive affirmations and self-talk.

  • Accept yourself as a unique individual and recognize your strengths.

  • Focus on developing meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and trust.

  • Set clear boundaries with others and be assertive when necessary.

  • Create achievable goals and celebrate accomplishments.

  • Prioritize your own needs and feelings over those of others.

4. You’re overly worried about what other people will think of you.

If you’re a people pleaser, then you’re probably concerned about what other people will think of you. You might be worried about what they’ll think of your choices and actions, or if they’ll like what you have to say. You also might feel like an impostor around certain groups or individuals because they make such an effortless impression on others–and this makes it difficult for them to see who they truly are behind their masks (or chameleons).

You aren’t your authentic self because you’re afraid you won’t be accepted for who you truly are. Furthermore, you may even find yourself going above and beyond your physical, emotional, or financial means to please others, even if it means sacrificing your own wellbeing. Do any of these things resonate with you?

5. You often find yourself in situations where you are over-rehearsed and overexcited, trying to make a good impression on others.

You try to be the best version of yourself for other people. You want them to like you and think that you’re interesting and fun, smart, a good person and a good listener. Again, this is normal behavior to an extent, so it’s up to you to decide where you fall in terms of people-pleasing. For example, do you find you’re often preoccupied or over-rehearsed for conversations because you want everything that comes out of your mouth to be perfect?

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people.

Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser may be that you find yourself rehearsing what people could ask or say next so that there is no awkward silence or confusion about what’s going on in their heads at any given moment during conversation with you.

A common example may be during a job interview. The people pleaser is so over-rehearsed and over excited that they start talking too much, giving too much detail and trying to prove their worth to the employer. Responses may seem canned and unnatural, as if the person has memorized a script versus responding authentically. They may also come across as too eager to please, agreeing to anything the employer suggests and not expressing their own opinion. Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser could look like dressing or presenting yourself in a way that doesn’t feel authentic in order to ensure you appeal to a certain person, audience, or group of people.

How can I stop being a people pleaser and build confidence?

So, you identify with some (or all) of the above behavior patterns of people-pleasing. This is a positive thing! The first step to transformative behavior change is recognizing the patterns that no longer serve you. Now that you recognize some of the behaviors causing you grief, here are some positive actions you can take:

1. Learn how to set effective boundaries: The first step in learning how to stop being a people pleaser is to set effective boundaries. As mentioned above, this can often take a bit of practice as you learn to say no to requests and expectations that go beyond what you’re willing to do. It can be pretty comfortable at first, and that’s okay!

2. Know your values: Knowing your values will help you to make decisions that are right for you. When you know what is important to you, it will be easier to say no to those requests that don’t fit with your values. Take a moment to uncover your values and get to the heart of who you are.

3. Focus on yourself: As we touched on, people pleasing can sometimes stem from a lack of self-esteem. Focusing on your own needs and interests rather than trying to please others can help shift your focus internally. This includes learning how to acknowledge your own emotions and feelings and be mindful of them, as well as prioritizing your own needs and interests over those of others.

4. Practice self-care: Take time to focus on yourself, your feelings and needs. Creating a sustainable self-care practice you enjoy can help alleviate stress, and improve your self-esteem and confidence.

5. Build your self-confidence: Build your self-confidence by setting small goals that you can achieve and then praising yourself for your successes. Check out 9 tips for boosting your self confidence.

6. Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend or family member, and others who identify as people pleasers can help you to gain the confidence to examine your behaviors and stop people-pleasing. Read lessons learned from recovering people pleasers, and connect with like minded individuals.

7. Practice makes perfect: Visualize and practice the things that are challenging for you. For example, you might practice saying no to someone and work through what comes up. Making a game plan and practicing your approach with a trusted friend or therapist can help you gain confidence in these new skills and work through uncomfortable feelings that may arise. Check out PsychCentral’s guilt-free guide to saying no.

So, you can tell you’re a people pleaser. What’s next?

People pleasing behaviors can be hard to break out of and can impact your wellbeing, sense of self, and lead to burnout. It can take time to learn how to set healthy boundaries, build confidence, and stop looking to others for validation and approval. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you’re not alone and you don’t have to stay stuck in a pattern of behaviors that feel self-defeating. 

Therapy can help you become aware of your triggers and behavior patterns, recognize when you’re people pleasing, and work on developing and practicing healthier behaviors. With the help from a trusted professional and along with self-reflection, you can learn to become more confident, live more authentically, and foster relationships that are genuine, reciprocal and fulfilling. If you’re interested in learning more, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

If you’re not ready to start therapy, there are other steps you can take, too. Along with the positive behaviors outlined above, self-help books on the topic can be immensely enlightening as well. Best wishes on your journey of self-exploration, wherever it may take you. 

Your Turn: Do you identify with any of the people-pleasing qualities listed above? What’s helped you break free from behaviors that don’t serve you? Share your experience in the comments below.

It can sometimes be difficult to trust your intuition. So why is it important to get in touch with it? Learning when and how to trust your intuition takes practice. Strengthening your intuition in your daily life helps you build confidence and learn how to trust yourself. If you’re interested in learning how to strengthen your intuition, keep on reading — we’ll go over the definition of intuition, why it’s important, and tips for developing your intuition.

What Is (and What Isn’t) Intuition?

Intuition, at its core, is just another form of knowledge. It’s produced by your unconscious mind quickly sifting through your accumulated knowledge and past experience, to help guide your decision-making.

Because you don’t “see” your unconscious mind walking through the steps and considering all this information, the hunches or gut feelings that arise from your intuition can be difficult to understand. Furthermore, it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between your intuition and fear and anxiety.  So how do you distinguish between anxiety and intuition?

Strengthening your intuition in your daily life helps you build confidence and learn how to trust yourself.

Because both can manifest as a sense that “something’s off and I’m not sure why,” some confuse the two. Studies show that the brain is capable of registering information even without our conscious awareness.

An important distinction is that anxiety is rooted in fear. You’re afraid of something bad happening, and it brings in emotions like worry and uncertainty, prompting you to avoid the cause of your anxiety.

Intuition, on the other hand, is much more grounded. You could feel confused or dismissive towards the feelings you experience, but underneath you might feel the need to listen anyway, “just in case.”

benefits of Strengthening Your Intuition

All the systems in your body work in tandem towards one goal — to ensure your continued survival. Your heart keeps pumping blood, your lungs keep drawing in air, your brain keeps thinking about the best course of action, and your intuition keeps trying to nudge you in the right direction.

When you don’t trust your intuition or allow it to atrophy instead of strengthening it, you’ll get caught in a web of uncertainty, stress, and fatigue. It’s exhausting to keep constantly looking over your shoulder, thinking and rethinking every step you take.

A 2016 study found that the unconscious emotional information provided by intuition can not only increase the accuracy of decision-making, it could also speed up the decision-making process and boost an individual’s sense of confidence. Your intuition is a natural, powerful tool meant to guide you through life — don’t be afraid to use it. Here are some other benefits of learning how to “trust your gut”:

• • • Increased creativity
    • Sense of overall emotional wellbeing and calm
    • Feeling purposeful and determined
    • Improved physical health
    • Better decision-making
    • Heightened sense of perception or empathy
    • Feeling more attuned to your own needs

10 Ways To Strengthen Your Intuition

When society favors logic over intuition, it can be difficult to accept that you don’t need to pass every experience underneath a microscope lens to validate your decision-making. Here are some ways you can strengthen your intuition and begin trusting yourself more:

1. Trust that your intuition is there — Because some people are naturally more intuitive than others, you might feel like you don’t have “good” intuition. Intuition is innate — we all have it, some are just better at listening to it. By believing that your intuition is there, you can be more receptive toward it whenever you do notice that little inkling of “hey, maybe this isn’t the greatest idea.”
2. Pick up meditation and mindfulness practices — Spending more time focusing solely on your subconscious mind can help you notice the quiet things your intuition is trying to tell you. It’s best to do this in a solitary place where you can allow your emotions to flow freely.
3. Start a journaling practice— Every day, dedicate some time to putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper. It doesn’t matter what you write about — just give yourself the freedom to let your subconscious guide your hand. Other creative activities, like drawing, gardening or picking up pottery can also be a good alternative.
4. Transform your relationship with your inner critic — We’re always our own biggest critic. You’re likely used to rationalizing away your gut feelings, but if you really want to strengthen your intuition, you will want to listen to your feelings without judgment, fear, or ridicule.
5. Connect with all five senses mindfully— Get a good stretch going, wiggle your toes and your fingers, and observe your surroundings mindfully. By paying attention to what you can sense with your body, you can develop greater awareness of yourself as a whole and make you more sensitive to your “sixth sense.”
6. Practice creative visualization — When you notice an intuitive feeling arising, try taking note of what it “looks” like. Does it have a particular sensation? How about a shape, color, or size? Where does it arise (e.g. your gut, your heart, in your throat)? The feeling of intuition differs from person to person, so paying close attention to how it feels makes it easier to recognize in the future.
7. Start a dream journal — Dreams are the subconscious mind’s playground. When the cognitive mind takes a break, your subconscious has the freedom to send you signals through your dreams. These signals can be confusing, so a dream journal can help you make sense of them later.
8. Practice in your immediate environment — Observe the events around you and examine what you’re getting an intuitive sense about, and try tracing what past experiences or knowledge you have that’s informing your intuition.
9. Tune into and connect with your body— Your body is in constant communication with you. Practice slowing down in the morning and throughout the day. Listen to what your body wants and needs. This is another way to tune into your intuition. Not doing what you think you should do but what you want to. This can look like taking a mid day walk and changing up your routine. Ask yourself: What blocks my intuition?What strengthens my intuition?
10. Reflect on past experiences — Reflect on challenging or uncomfortable situations from your past. Think back on whether or not you had any intuitive feelings that made you re-evaluate your decision. Did you talk yourself out of listening to those feelings? The more evidence you have that your intuition is trying to steer you in the right direction, the easier it’ll be to trust it.

Learn how to trust yourself

It’s never too late to learn to listen to yourself. Intuitive knowing is heart-opening and with practice will allow you to feel more calm, grounded and self-assured. Your intuition will accompany you for life, so don’t be shy about getting to know it. Would you like personalized guidance on how to strengthen your intuition? Reach out to me for a complimentary consultation today. I’d love to accompany you on your journey in self-empowerment.

Your Turn: What’s helped you learn how to strengthen your intution? Weigh in on the comments below.

How can breathwork help your anxiety? 

Are you finding yourself replaying experience and conversations over and over again in your mind? Do you have trouble letting things go? You might feel stuck analyzing and trying to control what can’t be controlled?

You might think being in our mind can “fix”or provide you with the solution. When truly being stuck in your mind can make your anxiety worse. If you want to learn to trust yourself, improve your anxiety, and feel a deeper connection to yourself, breathwork is a great place to start.

What is breathwork?

Breathwork can help you make sense of what feels jumbled in your mind. Breathwork is often used in Somatic Therapy, because it can invite you into your body with a sense of gentleness and compassion.

The practice of connecting with your breath takes us into a rhythmic breath that stimulates your vagus nerve. This tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress. The vagus nerve helps regulate your breathing and heart rate.

Giving your body the opportunity to experience ease, presence, and safety. There are many forms of breathwork that can help with your anxiety and alter your consciousness.

4 Types of Breathing That Can Help Anxiety 

1. Box breathing is where you exhale for a count of four, hold your lungs empty for a count of four, breath in for a count of four, and then exhale for a count of four. Repeating this pattern, you can maintain this sequence for a couple minutes to gain comfort with the rhythm. 

2. Belly breathing, also known as diaphragmatic breathing is when you send air into your stomach causing it to balloon out. A way to practice this is to lay on your back and place your hand on your stomach so you can feel your stomach expanding as you send breath into your abdomen with your other hand on your chest. Your hand on your stomach will rise and fall as you inhale and exhale the air from your stomach. Repeat this breath for a few minutes. 

3. Pursed lip breathing is a simple way to slow down your breathing and make it more intentional. Sitting in a comfortable position you will inhale through your nose for two slow counts and exhale out your mouth for four seconds, pursing your lips together as you exhale. 

Stimulating the vagus nerve through breathwork tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress.

 

4. Holotropic breathing is a form of breathwork that can be done with a facilitator or practiced on your own. You lay down or sit in a comfortable position. This is a three part breath, all through the mouth. With your first breath – the active breath – you’ll be breathing into your stomach – ballooning out your belly, the second breath into the chest (the heart space) and the third breath out through the mouth.

Repeat this pattern of breath, taking your time to get familiar with how it feels. Continue for a couple minutes and when you’re ready, open your eyes and reflect on how you felt. For instance, what feelings or thoughts came up during that time?

How can breathwork help ease anxiety?

Breathwork allows the subconscious mind to come forward so healing can take place. The holotropic breath is a quickening of the breath and involves breathing in a specific pattern.

The holotropic breath takes us out of the everyday pattern of breath and introduces a new pattern to us. Research shows that this can improve feelings of clarity, self-awareness, and proves a relief from stress, anxiety, and boosts the immune system.

How can I practice breathwork to manage MY anxiety?

Breathwork can be added into your morning routine and practiced throughout the day. When we first wake up our brain is in what’s called the alpha state. This is when your subconscious mind is readily available to you. This is a great opportunity to practice any form of breathwork.

Getting Started with Breathwork

While breathwork may look different from person to person, here are some helpful tips to start and evolve your own breathwork practice. 

1. Be patient with yourself, exercise the practice of breathwork with gentle curiosity, non-judgement, and compassion.
2. Practice when you aren’t feeling anxious so when you are it’ll feel more natural to implement the exercise. 
3. Where is my mind going? Check in with your thoughts while you are in the active breath. Simply noticing the thoughts, without trying to judge, change or force.
4. How am I feeling at this moment? Check in with the content of your thoughts as well as your physical sensations in your body. Is something distressing me, do I feel tension, or tightness somewhere in my body as a result? 
5. What thoughts or feelings are no longer serving me? Imagine a certain color with the negative thoughts or emotions that you’d like to release and visualize this as you exhale. 

Additional Benefits of Breathwork

Some benefits you’ll see is a greater ability to manage your anxiety. When you’re anxious or stressed your breathing is disrupted. By being able to support your breath, you’re helping to regulate your nervous system. 

Breathwork can cause physiological changes such as lower blood pressure and heart rate. You may experience lower levels of stress hormones in the blood, and increased feelings of contentment and joy. By breathing in these new ways, you’re communicating to your brain that it’s safe to relax. 

Clients often share that they’re able to release fear and anxiety through breathwork. Additionally, they feel more centered, grounded, and present in their day-to-day experiences. It’s a joy to witness my clients gain purpose and clarity and make changes to live life to its fullest.

You may also notice a subtle shift in your relationships. You’ll begin to feel a deeper connection to yourself and others. You too, can cultivate a sense of peace and silent strength through breathwork. My wish is that this precious tool can carry you through life’s ups and downs, just as it has for me.

Your Turn: Did this topic resonate with you? Share your experience of breathwork below, or book a complimentary consultation with Melanie to explore the life-changing effects of breathwork for managing anxiety.