If you’ve lived or socialized in New York City for any length of time, you’ve probably had someone ask, “What do you do?” The culture is fixated on work – what it is, how it’s going, what successes or headaches you’ve experienced there, how much of a monster your boss is, the amount of your paycheck, etc. A common response is, “I’m a…” Continuing the theme of fixation, we use the verb “to be” in relation to our work. We are our work, and it is us.

But in truth, despite it often being placed at the very center of our lives and identity, work is only one part of our experience and does not need to be a part of our identity. Who we are outside of work, and all its complexity, is often left unexplored, unnourished, and undeveloped.

The Psychology of Career and Identity

As an adult living in the US, you are more likely to spend the majority of your waking hours at work than anywhere else. (According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, those working outside the home averaged 7.9 hours of work per day, which does not include getting ready for work or commuting). Your sense of self and identity can easily become fused with, or overwhelmed by, where you are spending so much time.

This tendency is turbocharged by the social significance given to work-related ideas like productivity, working hard, getting ahead, chasing promotions, having to “hustle,” and consumerism. While this can feel uplifting for those experiencing a highpoint in their work, any changes in your ability to be optimally productive (such as getting sick, being fired, or leaving the workforce) can lead to big questions.

Who are you outside of work? What is important to you? For some, these questions may be accompanied by feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation, grief, feeling lost, and more.

If you seemingly are your work, some of the below experiences may sound familiar:

• • Not having much to talk about other than work or colleagues

  • Difficulty identifying your likes, dislikes, or interests

  • Relating everything back to work (ex: positive qualities are those that allow you to succeed at work)

  • Belief that the next title bump, raise, or job will give you a sense of fulfillment or satisfaction

  • No sense of play (ability to do something simply for the sake of enjoyment, rather than for financial or professional purposes)

Who we are outside of work, and all its complexity, is often left unexplored, unnourished, and undeveloped.

I often work with clients to explore the impact that the internalization of capitalism has on their self-worth, goals, and identity. If the above experiences resonate with you, it may be a sign that you’re ready to challenge the status quo and break free from some of the capitalistic ideals that you’ve bought into for so long. So, let’s help you discover who you are outside of work.

How to discover who you are outside of work

The importance of exploring your core values and purpose

If your sense of self and identity are consumed by work, imagining anything else or thinking about where to begin may seem daunting. This is extremely common and understandable – you’re challenging yourself to grow in new ways that aren’t often talked about or encouraged. So, how can you start to discover who you are outside of work? One way to begin is by thinking about your values, interests, hopes, and dreams.

Understanding these things can help you recognize the parts of yourself unrelated to job titles and salary brackets. Here are some questions I invite you to reflect on:

• How do I like to spend my free time? (this can help illuminate any areas of enjoyment, hobbies, or potential passions that you may want to lean into)
• Do I have any interests or talents that I haven’t explored (or given myself permission to explore) yet?
• What aspects of my character do I appreciate? (if this is difficult to answer, ask yourself
• what do others appreciate about you?)
• What values do I hold dear in life?
• What are my strengths? What are my areas for growth?
• What drives my behavior and how do I make decisions?
• Who have been the most influential people in my life and why?
• How can I be a better friend, partner, or person to those around me?

If reflecting on the above questions truthfully, some of your answers may be uncomfortable. The purpose of thinking about them isn’t to have everything precisely figured out, but rather to serve as a starting point for learning more about yourself. For many, acknowledging the less comfortable parts of yourself or areas of life you’d like to be different is an important step toward growth and change.

You are a whole person outside of work, deserving of rest and fulfillment

How capitalism keeps us stuck

In the United States, work and profit are valued above all else. We are taught from a very young age that to be unemployed or “unproductive” are among the worst things a person can be (just think about how intense the fear of being perceived as “lazy” is). Inevitably, this means many of us are consumed by work as we strive to be the most productive.

The fact that this constant striving leaves little time for the development of personhood is not by accident. People who are too tired and beaten down from work don’t have an opportunity to develop passions, break out of their isolation, organize with others to address their grievances and fight for change, or generally challenge the status quo. Keeping you focused on work affects things from the macro (national, state, and community level) all the way down to you.

For many, acknowledging the less comfortable parts of yourself or areas of life you’d like to be different is an important step toward growth and change.

So, how could you start to break out of this very intentional cycle and begin to get to know yourself better? In addition to reflecting on the questions above, having various building blocks in place can be helpful. Tending to things like your mental health, physical health, and your relationships can go a long way to having you feel supported as you push yourself to grow in new and exciting ways.

You Are More Than Your Job

I’m here to remind you that you are not your job. It may take up significant amounts of your time, energy, and attention, but at the end of the day, it is what you do, not who you are. Exploring your interests, values, and passions can be a great way to begin to untangle work from the parts of your life and identity that are just waiting to be cultivated. You deserve to rest and discover who you are outside of work. Embarking on this journey of growth and development with a trusted professional can be an especially rewarding and fulfilling experience. Regardless of how you get there, though, my hope is that the next time a New Yorker asks you about yourself, you will have more to say than you are your job.

Your Turn: Have you taken time to explore your values, passions, interests and who you are outside of work? Do you find it challenging to give yourself permission to rest? What has your experience been? Share in the comments below.

Capitalism is one of the founding principles of the United States (the other being racism). This framework emphasizes maximizing productivity and profits by any means necessary. While the vast majority of us do not get to share in these profits, we do experience the effects of living in a culture that worships capitalism, often by taking on this “productivity at all costs” mentality and adopting it as our own. One way of describing this is “internalized capitalism.”

While working hard, being goal-oriented, or dreaming big are not inherently bad qualities, when they come at the expense of your health and relationships, it might be time to evaluate the role they play in your life. Questioning self-worth, difficulty resting, anxiety, depression, and physical symptoms can all be signs capitalism and your relationship to work is taking a toll. 

Figuring out what to do in this scenario can feel daunting. Taking time off or challenging the status quo may feel strange, unsafe, or scary. You are far from alone, though!

If you’re feeling run down, let’s explore if internalized capitalism may be to blame, and what you can do about it.

What Is Internalized Capitalism?

Internalized capitalism is the adoption of the messages of capitalism as your own values or guiding principles, typically to your own detriment. A common way this plays out is hustle or grind culture – the idea that you need to always be working as hard as possible, “maximizing your time,” making moves, and advancing toward your dream job or a higher income. In a work-obsessed city like New York, this often translates to multiple jobs, long hours, and the judgment of those who are perceived to be less “productive.”

The issues created by capitalism are as old as capitalism itself, however they are being felt increasingly intensely and are more commonly discussed than before (particularly since the beginning of the pandemic). Whether you’re an artist or entrepreneur, if you’re questioning your worth due to concerns about productivity, not resting, or anxiety and depression have become your norm, it may be worthwhile to continue reading and learn more.

While working hard, being goal-oriented, or dreaming big are not inherently bad qualities, when they come at the expense of your health and relationships, it might be time to evaluate the role they play in your life.

What does it feel like to internalize the ideas of capitalism?

Most of the ways the internalization of capitalism affects us are normalized in the US, despite being highly unnatural. As such, it can be easy to ignore, downplay, or miss what is going on. Experiences like those below may mean you’re committed to the grind in ways you weren’t quite expecting, and with unintended consequences:

Sunday Scaries

The sleepless night of dread before Monday morning is a sure sign work is taking up too much space in your life. For some, this may just be a sign of an unfulfilling job, but more often than not it points to experiencing the exploitation of workers so common in the US.

“Do I Have Value As a Person?”

Tying your value or worth as a person to your job, productivity, accomplishments, or possessions is a slippery slope. It demands you keep going faster and doing more to continue feeling good about yourself. When you fall ill, become disabled, experience unemployment, or are otherwise unable to produce in the same way, it can feel like an existential crisis.

Inability to Rest

Feeling under the weather or in need of a personal day, but go to work anyway? Difficulty actually resting and taking care of yourself on days off? Capitalism (and by extension, many employers) exploits and manipulates workers into feeling guilty for taking the time they need to rest and take care of themselves. This may come in the form of “not being a team player” or feeling anxious about “not doing anything.” Capitalism lies to us by saying that rest is for the weak and should be put off as long as possible.

Anxiety and Depression

Near constant worry about paying bills, holding onto one’s job, and the pressure to do more inevitably takes a toll on your mental health. This stress and feeling like it is inescapable may lead to feelings of anxiety or depression.

What to Do?

Unlearning is a difficult process. It takes time and energy, but can be beneficial if we truly want change in the long-term.

Learn More about Interrelated Systems of Oppression

As a white person writing this article, it’s important to acknowledge that the majority of my learning about capitalism has been from people of the global majority, and in particular Black women.

Black thinkers have long talked about and shared their wisdom on this subject. Scholars Tricia Hersey (founder of the Nap Ministry) or Joshua Briond (host of the Millenials are Killing Capitalism podcast) have spoken extensively about how capitalism reinforces, and is intertwined with, other forms of oppression, such as racism and white supremacy, ableism, fatphobia, and more.

Tying your value or worth as a person to your job, productivity, accomplishments, or possessions is a slippery slope.

In a therapeutic setting, talking about these things and learning to recognize how they are connected has value. Co-founder of Melanated Social Work Marvin Toliver has pointed out that tying internalized feelings of capitalism back to racism and white supremacy has been helpful for his clients.

Name the Thing

Having big, ambiguous feelings that we don’t know what to call can often make us feel even worse. In this instance, recognizing the feeling and identifying where it comes from can be useful. Being more specific in this way can always help us know where to start in trying to create change.

Establish Boundaries

On a purely individual level, having stronger, better defined boundaries with work can help you reclaim some of the time, energy, and space that work has taken from you.

Get Connected

Finally, the solution to these problems will be collective – not individual. Talk to friends and coworkers about your experience or get involved with organizations in your community addressing workers rights. If you are in a unionized workplace, learn more about your union! If your workplace is not unionized, learn more about potential options for unionizing.

Capitalism and exploitation of workers thrives on individuals having little recourse against such an overwhelming system. When we internalize these values, we end up perpetuating that feeling of powerlessness. By learning more, being specific about our experiences, and connecting with others, there is far more recourse to create change.

Capitalism and Your Mental Health

Unlearning internalized capitalism is possible.

I see capitalism as one of the foremost challenges to our mental health today. None of us are given the option to opt in or out of this system, so we can easily internalize or take in these messages without realizing it. Movies, television, and prominent personalities (think: Joe Biden working while having COVID) have long reinforced that productivity is essential and encouraged us to work past our breaking point, lest we be called lazy and be discarded.

The internalization of capitalism goes hand-in-hand with anxiety, depression, exhaustion, uncertain self-worth, and more. If you feel this way, I’m ready to discuss it with you. I’m Daniel Rich, a licensed psychotherapist at Clarity Therapy NYC eager to discuss capitalism and other mental health concerns tied to it.

Your worth doesn’t depend on your productivity. You’re just as valuable (arguably more valuable) relaxing on the couch as you are working at your job. If job stress, pressure from others, and other values of capitalism are weighing you down, I’d like to find a time to connect with you. Feel free to book a complimentary consultation with me today.

Your Turn: Do you recognize examples of internalized captialism in your life, habits, or belief systems? How does this affect you, your relationships, and emotional wellbeing? Share in the comments below. 

As a place we can, at least in theory, talk about anything, it seems natural that sex would come up in therapy at some point. Even the most well-meaning therapists may inadvertently shy away from sex-related conversations, though, and some may even have negative attitudes toward sex. With how complex and sensitive the topic of sex and sexuality can be, how do you go about finding a therapist who will be sex-positive?

What Is Sex Positivity?

Sex educator Allena Gabosch describes sex positivity as “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation.” Unlike the feelings of shame and stigma many of us are taught to internalize about sex, sex positivity emphasizes pleasure, that sex can be a perfectly healthy thing to want and participate in, and that it can be beneficial to talk about these things openly.  

Although they are independent of sexual activity, gender and sexual orientation are often included in sex positive conversations as they can influence the kinds of sex we like to have. Thus, sex-positive spaces are typically affirming of all genders and sexual orientations.

What Is a Sex-Positive Therapist?

Although there is no universal definition of sex positivity, we might describe a sex-positive therapist as a mental health professional who is knowledgeable about sex and sexuality, and views them as natural parts of being human that can be openly discussed without shame or judgment. 

In my work, having the space to discuss personal topics like fantasies, turn ons and turn offs, interests, or intense vulnerable feelings is often a new experience for clients. For some, the option to speak so openly and honestly is a freeing experience. For others, it may feel overwhelming or uncomfortable. Both experiences (and everything in between!) are valid, and the goal is to meet you where you are and go at your pace – just knowing the space is there to share if you want it can be helpful.

How Can working with a sex-positive therapist Help?

Better Understand Your Sexuality

Sex-positive therapy can provide space for you to explore your sexuality – your relationship to and ideas about sex, gender, and sexual orientation. Sometimes this can also include an educational component about topics such as kinks, fetishes, fantasies, safer sex options, consent, and pleasure. 

How to Find a Sex-Positive Therapist in nyc

Here are a few ideas for finding a therapist who will be sex-positive:

Ask for Recommendations

If you have friends, relatives, coworkers, or neighbors who have seen therapists they enjoyed working with, they may be able to recommend someone to you. This can be a great way to find a therapist you can trust.

Check Out Online Directories

Specialized directories, such as National Coalition of Sexual Freedom, Manhattan Alternative, and Inclusive Therapists, provide a way to find therapists who are knowledgeable about a variety of sex-related concerns. Many of these directories allow you to filter your search based on what is important to you. Searching by criteria such as geographic location, knowledge of a specific topic, or gender of the therapist, can help you find a sex-positive therapist in NYC.

Do Your Research on Sex-Positive Therapists

Before making an appointment with a therapist, it can be useful to do some research and get a sense of whether they may be a good fit. A professional website, articles or blogs they’ve written, or a social media presence can begin to give you an idea of the person’s values and how they think about topics important to you. 

How Do You Know If You’ve Found a Therapist Who is Sex-Positive?

When meeting a therapist for the first time, it can often feel like you’re in the hot seat being asked so many questions. This is also an opportunity for you to decide whether you even want to continue working with that person, though. Asking questions can help you better understand how the therapist thinks about sexuality, sexuality, and other topics. When seeking a sex-positive therapist, potential questions to ask may include:

Sex-positive therapy can provide space for you to explore your sexuality – your relationship to and ideas about sex, gender, and sexual orientation.

“Are you sex-positive?”

Definitely the most direct and straightforward way to go if you’re trying to find a sex-positive therapist in NYC. How a potential therapist discusses sex and sex-positivity can give you a good sense of whether or not they are a good fit for you.

“How do you feel about the sexual empowerment of people who aren’t cisgender, straight, thin, able-bodied white guys?”

The sexual fulfillment of marginalized groups has long been deprioritized in the US. People who aren’t cisgender men often face additional and unique challenges around sex and sexuality. Many still believe women shouldn’t want or enjoy sex, have more than one partner in a lifetime, or do certain things during sex. Transgender and gender nonconforming people are having their right to exist debated in many parts of the US, meaning discussion of their sexual empowerment and fulfillment is typically swept aside. Fat folks and people with disabilities are, more often than not, forgotten in conversations about sex, pleasure, and empowerment.

A sex-positive therapist will ideally recognize your right to freely enjoy sex without shame or judgment as fundamental.

“How comfortable are you talking about sex during session?”

Not all therapists will feel comfortable discussing sex in a session, and their discomfort can get in the way of your therapy. You’ll want to be sure the person you’re speaking to is both knowledgeable and comfortable enough to work with you. The therapist’s response to your specific concerns will give you insight into whether they will be able to support you.

“Do you have experience working with LGBTQ+ clients?”

While not a guarantee, previous experience working with LGBTQ+ clients or providing LGBTQIA+ affirming care can be an indication that someone is sex-positive. Openness to working with people outside of heterosexual and cisgender norms often means being open to discussing other aspects of sexuality as well. If you hold any of these identities, it can be especially important to ask a potential therapist about their experience to ensure they are competent to work with you.

“Do you agree with using “sex addiction” as a diagnosis?”

The idea of “sex addiction” is, contrary to popular belief, quite controversial. As someone who works from a place of sex-positivity, I find it quite stigmatizing and shaming. If you’re unhappy with the quantity or quantity of your sexual experiences, I find it’s more useful to explore what you’re unhappy with, the kinds of experiences you’d like to have, and how I can support you in having a more pleasurable, fulfilling sexual experience.

Take the First Step to Sex Positivity

You deserve a judgement-free and safe sex-positive space.

Your Turn: Are you looking for a sex-positive therapist in NYC? Have you ever worked with a sex-positive therapist? How did it compare to your previous experiences in therapy? Share in the comments below.