D o you ever find it difficult to say “no”? Are you so worried about upsetting other people that your needs go unmet? You may often feel like it’s your job to make everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many of us have a fear of displeasing others, and this fear may be so deeply rooted that we don’t realize how harmful it can be to our health and happiness.

People pleasing is a theme that often comes up with clients in our therapy sessions. I’ve often had clients share, whether it was at work, with friends, or in romantic relationships, they would say “yes” when they really wanted to say “no.” Perhaps you can relate to this common experience. Maybe you find yourself doing things that aren’t enjoyable or healthy, just because other people expect you to, or because it makes them happy.

And let’s face facts: We all have some of this in us. However, being too nice and accommodating others can ultimately lead to burnout—and not just physical exhaustion but an emotional exhaustion due to feeling stretched too thin and underappreciated by others. If this rings true for you, maybe it’s worth taking a step back to examine some of these behaviors.

Do you know how to tell if you’re a people pleaser? In this blog post we’ll look at some key signs and behavior patterns that could indicate that you have people pleasing tendencies, and what to do about it.

How to tell if you’re a people pleaser: common signs

1. You often feel responsible for making everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many people feel pressure to make others happy, and for good reason. We’re living in a society where we’re encouraged to take care of each other, and that means being there when someone needs us and making sure that they feel loved and cared for. This may come in the form of obvious pressure from your boss, partner, or family members, or more subtle, unspoken norms that you feel you need to live up to.

One way to tell if you’re a people pleaser can look like an extreme preoccupation with other people’s moods. For example, instead of enjoying the party you’re hosting, perhaps you’re overly concerned about others having a good time, and spend your time hyper-focused on being the perfect host. To an extent, this is normal and may make you a great party planner and all-around conscientious person. However, if anxiety about others enjoying themselves prevents you from being present enough to enjoy your own party, it may be a sign of people pleasing.

Feeling overly responsible for others can also leave you feeling like you’re constantly on duty—you may feel like you have to be there for everyone else, all the time. And when you put so much pressure on yourself to be available for others, it can become difficult to honor your own emotions or deal with your own problems without feeling guilty or like you’re letting someone else down. 

2. You feel guilty when you say no.

3. You often feel like you need to be liked by everyone.

It’s natural and normal to want to be liked by others. However, people pleasers often struggle with this above and beyond what’s healthy. Some people may feel like they need to be liked by everyone in order to be accepted and included in a certain group or social circle. You may feel like you must be liked by everyone because deep down, even unconsciously, you experience nagging feelings of inadequacy, or not feeling good enough as you are. 

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks however, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as well as feelings of guilt or shame when you don’t meet the expectations of others. Additionally, it can lead to you feeling like you can’t make decisions for yourself or that you need to please everyone. 

Here are a few ways you can shift your focus internally if you find yourself seeking external validation:

• • Take time to practice self-care and self-compassion. 

  • Remind yourself of your worth and values. 

  • Practice positive affirmations and self-talk.

  • Accept yourself as a unique individual and recognize your strengths.

  • Focus on developing meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and trust.

  • Set clear boundaries with others and be assertive when necessary.

  • Create achievable goals and celebrate accomplishments.

  • Prioritize your own needs and feelings over those of others.

4. You’re overly worried about what other people will think of you.

If you’re a people pleaser, then you’re probably concerned about what other people will think of you. You might be worried about what they’ll think of your choices and actions, or if they’ll like what you have to say. You also might feel like an impostor around certain groups or individuals because they make such an effortless impression on others–and this makes it difficult for them to see who they truly are behind their masks (or chameleons).

You aren’t your authentic self because you’re afraid you won’t be accepted for who you truly are. Furthermore, you may even find yourself going above and beyond your physical, emotional, or financial means to please others, even if it means sacrificing your own wellbeing. Do any of these things resonate with you?

5. You often find yourself in situations where you are over-rehearsed and overexcited, trying to make a good impression on others.

You try to be the best version of yourself for other people. You want them to like you and think that you’re interesting and fun, smart, a good person and a good listener. Again, this is normal behavior to an extent, so it’s up to you to decide where you fall in terms of people-pleasing. For example, do you find you’re often preoccupied or over-rehearsed for conversations because you want everything that comes out of your mouth to be perfect?

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people.

Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser may be that you find yourself rehearsing what people could ask or say next so that there is no awkward silence or confusion about what’s going on in their heads at any given moment during conversation with you.

A common example may be during a job interview. The people pleaser is so over-rehearsed and over excited that they start talking too much, giving too much detail and trying to prove their worth to the employer. Responses may seem canned and unnatural, as if the person has memorized a script versus responding authentically. They may also come across as too eager to please, agreeing to anything the employer suggests and not expressing their own opinion. Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser could look like dressing or presenting yourself in a way that doesn’t feel authentic in order to ensure you appeal to a certain person, audience, or group of people.

How can I stop being a people pleaser and build confidence?

So, you identify with some (or all) of the above behavior patterns of people-pleasing. This is a positive thing! The first step to transformative behavior change is recognizing the patterns that no longer serve you. Now that you recognize some of the behaviors causing you grief, here are some positive actions you can take:

1. Learn how to set effective boundaries: The first step in learning how to stop being a people pleaser is to set effective boundaries. As mentioned above, this can often take a bit of practice as you learn to say no to requests and expectations that go beyond what you’re willing to do. It can be pretty comfortable at first, and that’s okay!

2. Know your values: Knowing your values will help you to make decisions that are right for you. When you know what is important to you, it will be easier to say no to those requests that don’t fit with your values. Take a moment to uncover your values and get to the heart of who you are.

3. Focus on yourself: As we touched on, people pleasing can sometimes stem from a lack of self-esteem. Focusing on your own needs and interests rather than trying to please others can help shift your focus internally. This includes learning how to acknowledge your own emotions and feelings and be mindful of them, as well as prioritizing your own needs and interests over those of others.

4. Practice self-care: Take time to focus on yourself, your feelings and needs. Creating a sustainable self-care practice you enjoy can help alleviate stress, and improve your self-esteem and confidence.

5. Build your self-confidence: Build your self-confidence by setting small goals that you can achieve and then praising yourself for your successes. Check out 9 tips for boosting your self confidence.

6. Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend or family member, and others who identify as people pleasers can help you to gain the confidence to examine your behaviors and stop people-pleasing. Read lessons learned from recovering people pleasers, and connect with like minded individuals.

7. Practice makes perfect: Visualize and practice the things that are challenging for you. For example, you might practice saying no to someone and work through what comes up. Making a game plan and practicing your approach with a trusted friend or therapist can help you gain confidence in these new skills and work through uncomfortable feelings that may arise. Check out PsychCentral’s guilt-free guide to saying no.

So, you can tell you’re a people pleaser. What’s next?

People pleasing behaviors can be hard to break out of and can impact your wellbeing, sense of self, and lead to burnout. It can take time to learn how to set healthy boundaries, build confidence, and stop looking to others for validation and approval. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you’re not alone and you don’t have to stay stuck in a pattern of behaviors that feel self-defeating. 

Therapy can help you become aware of your triggers and behavior patterns, recognize when you’re people pleasing, and work on developing and practicing healthier behaviors. With the help from a trusted professional and along with self-reflection, you can learn to become more confident, live more authentically, and foster relationships that are genuine, reciprocal and fulfilling. If you’re interested in learning more, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

If you’re not ready to start therapy, there are other steps you can take, too. Along with the positive behaviors outlined above, self-help books on the topic can be immensely enlightening as well. Best wishes on your journey of self-exploration, wherever it may take you. 

Your Turn: Do you identify with any of the people-pleasing qualities listed above? What’s helped you break free from behaviors that don’t serve you? Share your experience in the comments below.

Fear directs survival. A lot of fears are very rational: not only do they make sense, but they serve a critically important function of keeping us alive. For instance, if you’re afraid of heights, you will probably stay away from mountains and therefore reduce your risk of dying by falling off a cliff.

Fear is a natural and healthy reaction to danger. Some fear can be beneficial, but persistent fear can be debilitating- even life-threatening. We can learn to better manage our fear by understanding the flight/fight process of the nervous system, and how this process impacts the brain and body. Learning how to heal after a traumatic experience will help you take control over fear, so fear stops controlling you.

When humans are exposed to real threat to life- physical harm, childhood abuse or neglect, violence, sexual assault, or systematic oppression, your brain shifts in how it prioritizes fear. You become hyper-attuned to threats. When you don’t have adequate support after exposure to threat, this hyper-focus becomes semi-permanent. It’s an extended symptom to keep you on high alert to future threats.

When this experience happens often or with great intensity, more and more resources are directed towards your survival mechanisms. The number one job of the nervous system is to protect your survival by any means necessary. Unfortunately, complex trauma rewires us to be hyper-focused on staying safe. Your nervous system becomes so overloaded with messages of threat that it comes unreliable and unpredictable. You feel fear everywhere, while also losing your ability to tolerate the fear. You can become so scared you actually lose the capacity to keep yourself safe.

What is complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD)?

This slow pressure of threat on the nervous system is the main crux of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (also known as C-PTSD). C-PTSD results from repeated and prolonged exposure to traumatic events. It’s characterized by a range of symptoms such as difficulty regulating emotions, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, difficulty in relationships, and an altered sense of self. C-PTSD is distinct from PTSD in that it involves multiple traumatic events and a longer duration of exposure.

C-PTSD is most often diagnosed among people who have been victims of prolonged, repetitive trauma. It’s most commonly found in those who have experienced childhood abuse or neglect; domestic violence; and sexual assault.

Coping with C-PTSD

The impact of trauma on the brain, emotions, and behavior. 

Trauma can have a profound effect on the brain, emotions, and behavior. Traumatic events can cause changes in brain chemistry and structure, leading to changes in behavior and emotional reactions. These changes can range from difficulty concentrating and problems with memory to feeling detached from reality, increased anxiety and depression, and changes in personality.

Some people may also have difficulty regulating emotions, become more aggressive or impulsive, or have difficulty establishing close relationships. Trauma can also lead to an increased risk of physical health problems, substance abuse, and self-harming behaviors. Coping with C-PTSD poses its own set of challenges, and can be further complicated if an individual doesn’t have a support network or trusted individuals to lean on.

The following are some common ways that trauma can affect one’s ability to function:

• • Memory problems – forgetting things more than usual, difficulty paying attention, or completing tasks.

  • Anxiety or panic attacks – feeling like your emotions or bodily sensations are out of your control.

  • Depression – feeling hopefulness, sad or not enjoying activities you normally enjoy.

  • Hypervigilance – feeling on edge or fearful in your day to day life, despite lack of actual threat.

  • Heightened startle response – exaggerated response to unexpected stimuli, especially sounds, that can feel intense and long-lasting (i.e.jumping at the sound of an ambulance siren, feeling physical sensations like heart palpitations, sweaty palms, or anxiety that takes awhile to dissipate).

  • Intrusive thoughts – Image-based memory is also tied to fear, along with belief systems. Your brain will prioritize these, earmarked as “urgent” increasing the frequency in which you experience negative thoughts and intrusive memories.

  • Depersonalization/Derealization – feeling disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, or surroundings. You may experience yourself as an outside observer of your own life or experience a sense of unreality or dreamlike state, as if you’re living in a fog. 

How does fear impact the nervous system?

What are the 10 fear responses?

1. Fight- I can beat the bear
2. Flight- I can escape the bear
3. Freeze- I can hide from the bear
4. Flounder- I attempt self defense but struggle
5. Fawn- I can please the bear
6. Friend- I can become the bear
7. Fright- I can scare the bear
8. Flop- I can submit to the bear
9. Faint- I can detach from the bear
10. Face- I can control my response to the bear

How fear hijacks the nervous system’s threat response.

When faced with fear, your responses change based on your perceived ability to beat the threat, your ability to escape the threat, or your ability to evade harm. When you see the bear, a subconscious judgment is made and then a response is activated. This response is then either strengthened or changed based on your actual experiences.

Fear is a normal reaction to trauma, and is your body’s way of protecting itself from danger – real or perceived.

The more your system learns it has no power over the threat, the more it shifts down into helplessness. Chronic activation of fear, especially fear that led to actual harm or danger, can disrupt the way your nervous system regulates. Living with C-PTSD, you might stop feeling fearful at all, you might experience numbness or dissociation, or you might experience intense depressive episodes. For other people, you may be able to maintain elevated responses, where you find yourself activated constantly. Most people bounce between these two states.

People who have experienced trauma may see bears everywhere, literally. This is because the amygdala- or the fear center of the brain– has adapted to see bears even when there aren’t any. Studies show that people coping with C-PTSD have amygdalas which are unable to recognize the difference between a threat in the past and a current threat. This means that if you’re reminded of a past experience, it’s as if you’re experiencing the traumatic event for the first time. This phenomenon is designed to keep you in a state of self-defense even when there is nothing to defend against. Our brain is trying to keep us safe, but it’s actually hurting us.

With complex trauma disorders, the amygdala has become hyperactive. You might experience a trigger or emotional flashback by something completely unrelated to your trauma. This is because the amygdala also hijacks most emotional processing- meaning fear gets woven into almost all of your experiences- even post-trauma experience. Emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and memories can all become tainted by fear. This is made more complicated due to the under-active prefrontal cortex.

So while your amygdala is overreacting to nonexistent threats, your prefrontal cortex (the rational, decision-making area of the brain) isn’t assessing threats as well as it should be. Having an underactive prefrontal cortex can mean slow learning of new information (which may help how you respond to fear), logical thinking, and having a harder time controlling your fear response.

assessing threat and coping with c-ptsd

Learn how to distinguish ‘real threat’ from ‘perceived threat.’

How to improve coping with C-PTSD and managing fear

Fear is a normal reaction to trauma, it’s your body’s way of protecting itself from danger (or perceived danger). It can be managed consciously and by taking steps to reduce stress and anxiety.

You do this through repeated practice of regulating our reactions to stress, seeing it like a form of physical therapy for your nervous system. We can’t stop the train from leaving the station- our nervous system is reflexive and autopilot shifts on easily. Coping with C-PTSD means that we can catch the train quicker, slow it down quicker, and rope it back into the station more effectively.

Here are things you can do that will help you feel safer when you’re feeling fearful, including:

• • Practice mindful breathing: Take slow, deep breaths, focusing on your breath and trying to relax your body.

  • Practice progressive muscle relaxation: Slowly tense and relax each muscle group in your body, starting with your feet and working up to your head.

  • Engage in activities or grounding exercises that you find calming or enjoyable: Try yoga, meditation, or even just going for a walk in nature.

  • If possible, remove yourself or take a break from whatever situation makes you feel anxious until your nervous system calms down.

  • Take care of  your basic needs and your health make sure you are: eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, engaging in activities you enjoy (like drawing, socializing, or playing music)

  • Challenge your negative thought patterns: Identify the negative thoughts that come up when you feel fear and challenge them with positive, more realistic thoughts.

  • Talk to friends and family: Sharing your experiences with someone can be a great way to reduce fear reactions and build a support system.

  • Seek professional help: If your fear reactions are persistent and affecting your quality of life, it might be beneficial to speak to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in working with people who’ve experienced trauma.

learn the signs of your fear responses to retrain your nervous system

When you can reduce the fear reactions you experience when NO threat is present, you’re retraining your nervous system to become more accurate and less reactive. This triggers a slow but important domino effect where your thoughts are less connected to fear, your emotions are less connected to fear, and your behaviors are less driven by fear.

The result is that you’re in better control of your physical symptoms, you improve your self-care, and begin to feel more present in life. When we aren’t motored by worry, we have space for more emotions and can experience true safety.

Here are some things you can do when you’re not in a fearful state to begin to retrain the nervous system:

• • What were the real threats, or your “bears?” How did you respond to stay safe? Why was this most likely the safest way to react to the bear?
  • Identify any coping mechanisms or strategies that may no longer be serving you.
  • What is a non-threat that triggers fear? Can you notice and manage symptoms that come up? Why does this feel so much like a bear?

Healing from C-PTSD is possible

The journey toward healing and recovery from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a process. There is no one size fits all approach, and it can be particularly challenging when you’re working on your own. You need to be patient with yourself, but also know that it’s okay if you need help from others along the way.

Coping with Complex-PTSD and learning how to heal is ideal in the presence of a trained trauma therapist. A trauma-informed therapist can help give you the necessary tools to practice soothing yourself out of fear, and help you distinguish between real and perceived threats. If you’re ready to take control of your own safety and stop living in fear, reach out to begin the process of healing with trauma therapy today.

Your Turn: What were your bears? How did you respond to stay safe? How have you let go of fear-based behaviors that are no longer serving you?

Receiving Higher Levels of Care (HLOC) is a necessary step for many people in their healing journey, but it can often be difficult transitioning back into everyday life. The transition from residential placement, inpatient care, or an intensive outpatient program (IOP) back to outpatient treatment can feel scary and intimidating. Your treatment program likely provided a reliable structure and added support to your routine. Some people often find it helpful to have a supportive network ready to help them or their loved ones navigate this transition.

Group therapy is a great option if you’ve just completed an IOP or inpatient treatment and are looking for extra support and accountability. Groups can help you build supportive relationships and share experiences with others who can relate to your experience. Group therapy also offers a safe space for individuals to learn new skills and challenge any negative thought patterns or destructive behaviors.

A support group that fits your specific needs is likely a great resource in your aftercare plan post treatment. However, unlike member-run support groups, group therapists have the necessary qualifications, training, and clinical knowledge to provide guidance, targeted support, and accountability to help you along your emotional wellness journey.

How can group therapy help someone leaving an intensive outpatient program (IOP) or inpatient treatment program?

Group therapy acts as a structured yet open forum to discuss personal experiences and challenges. Many group members find that over time, what they practice and experience within the group has a direct impact on their thoughts, feelings and behaviors outside the group, in their day-to-day lives.

With the guidance of a trained professional in a group setting, you may expect to:
 

1. Share and receive support and feedback among other group members
2. Developing skills to better handle stress and enhance communication
3. Learn and practice new effective coping strategies and techniques
4. Identify and better understand triggers of distress
5. Experience increased empathy and insight into personal and collective issues
6. Work towards your own personal growth 
7. Explore unhelpful thoughts, feelings and behaviors
8. Create meaningful connections with others
9. Develop healthier relationships with yourself and others

we offer virtual group therapy options for dbt and trauma

Dialectical Behavior Skills (DBT) Group, Trauma Skills Group, and a Trauma Processing Group.

Groups meet online once a week with one or two therapists and between 6-15 members who are seeking care for similar challenges. You’ll be guided through exercises and interventions, and engage in active group discussions. The overall flow of the session and group therapy activities carried out will be largely dependent on the style and the goals of the group.

Dialectical Behavior Skills (DBT) Group –Tuesdays 5pm-6:30pm 

Our DBT skills group is an open group (meaning group members can come and go at any time) of 3-15 members. You’ll learn new techniques to better manage stress, cope with negative feelings, and improve your relationships. You can expect to deepen your emotional understanding of yourself, while improving how you communicate and relate to others. You’ll learn about and build four major skills of DBT:

• • Interpersonal Effectiveness– improve relationships, communication, and conflict management

     

  • Mindfulness– learn to be present and more engaged in life while accepting yourself without judgment

     

  • Emotion Regulation– recognize and express feelings in healthier ways while feeling greater control over your emotions

     

  • Distress Tolerance– manage crisis and extreme experiences of stress through the use of coping skills

     

Mindfulness is the practice of learning
to be present and more engaged in life, while accepting yourself without judgment.

Trauma Skills Group – Wednesdays 5pm-6:30pm

If you’ve experienced trauma, we recommend starting with our trauma skills group to improve how you cope with unpleasant trauma symptoms. This is a closed group, which means it has the same members for the full 10 weeks.

You’ll learn effective coping skills to manage traumatic stress and gain knowledge about trauma’s impact on your thoughts, feelings, behaviors and relationships. In this group you can expect to feel heard and seen while healing through support from others who have also experienced trauma.

Trauma Processing Group – Saturdays 9:30am-11am

Once you gain the foundational skills, we encourage you to join our trauma processing group to begin your journey towards healing. This is an open group which consists of 3-10 members.

You’ll learn how to build trust, feel less shame, and work through difficult emotions as you share your story with the guidance of a trained professional. You can expect to deepen your self-awareness, gain new perspectives, and foster a sense of connection and community with others in a safe space.

Group therapy has been shown to be effective in treating a wide range of mental health concerns including:

Anger issues – Group therapy can provide a safe space to discuss and effectively manage anger.

Social anxiety – Group therapy can help participants build confidence, support each other in difficult social scenarios and decrease fear of judging.

Grief and loss – Group therapy can provide a sense of community and understanding, help people better understand the bereavement process and support those struggling to cope with the loss of a loved one.

Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) – Group therapy can help people process and cope with traumatic life experiences, increase assertiveness, and learn strategies for regulated emotional responses.

Depression – Group therapy provides a supportive environment for individuals to gain insight into their negative thought patterns, discuss their feelings and learn problem-solving strategies to cope with depression.

Eating disorders – Group therapy can help individuals develop healthy attitudes and behaviors towards food and eating, increase understanding of their triggers and the causes of their disordered eating, and learn comprehensive methods of coping with their symptoms.

Substance abuse – Group therapy can aid individuals to identify patterns leading to substance abuse, recognize and control destructive triggers, develop social and recreational activities to replace substance usage and form strong, healthy relationships with peers.

Behavioral addictions – Group therapy for behavioral addictions such as gambling can provide structure and support to help individuals stay accountable and develop healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Stress management – Group therapy can encourage clients to discuss stressors and come up with effective strategies for responding to stress.

Low self-esteem – Group therapy can help individuals recognize and reframe unhelpful thinking patterns, develop assertiveness skills and receive positive feedback from their peers.

Family conflict – Group therapy can help families identify the causes of conflict, work through their disputes in a more constructive manner, build better communication methods and form stronger relationships.

Major life transitions – Group therapy can support individuals in adapting to new changes, allowing them to feel less isolated and more prepared for growth.

Chronic pain and illness – Group therapy can provide much needed support, understanding, and normalization for people suffering from chronic pain and illnesses. It can help create a sense of solidarity by allowing individuals to connect with others who genuinely understand the everyday struggles that come with managing chronic pain and illnesses.

Emotion regulation – Group therapy can help individuals identify and communicate their feelings in more constructive ways, improve how they cope with and respond to difficult feelings.

Discover the benefits of group therapy

Graduating from IOP or inpatient treatment can be exciting and scary at the same time. You’ve experienced a certain routine, structure, and support likely for several intensive weeks. Group therapy can be especially helpful if you’ve recently completed treatment and are looking for the next step in your mental health journey.

You’ll be able to build on your progress and continue to practice how to cope more effectively, build meaningful relationships with other group members, share your experience in a safe, supportive environment, hear stories of healing and transformation, and ultimately heal and gain insight into yourself. Reach out today to schedule a complimentary consultation to see if group therapy is the right fit for you.

Your Turn: What helped you add extra structure and support into your routine after leaving a higher level of care? If you’ve participated in group therapy before, what benefits did you experience? Share in the comments below.

How do you calm yourself down when you experience stress, anxiety, or dissociation?

It’s common for interpersonal stressors to contribute to upsetting thoughts and increased anxieties. Understandably these may vary from person to person depending on a variety of factors.

6. Unresolved trauma or conflicts from the past

7. Lack of meaningful relationships, loneliness or isolation

8. Change in living or work environment

9. Social pressure or criticism

10. Bullying or harassment

11. Feeling unappreciated or ignored

12. Health issues or disability

Between the pandemic, natural disasters, rising inflation, and other common life stressors, it’s no wonder that millions of people struggle with anxiety and other mental health concerns.

What do you do when it all becomes too much?

If you haven’t tried it yet, we highly recommend trying out a few grounding techniques. These have been immensely helpful for some of my own clients, so I wanted to share a few of my favorites here.

What Are Grounding Techniques?

Practicing grounding techniques is a great way to calm yourself and bring you back from the edge. These help you refocus your mind and senses.

They bring back your thoughts to the present moment, recentering yourself from the source of your anxiety, whether it’s a past trauma or a future worry.

Grounding techniques are a key component in managing symptoms or feelings of distress. There are different types of grounding techniques, but they all aim to help you cope with negative emotions and mental health problems better.

Physical Grounding Techniques

Physical grounding techniques generally rely on your five senses — particularly your sense of touch. These exercises usually also require motion or physical movement.

1. The 5-4-3-2-1 Method

The 5-4-3-2-1 method is one of the most recommended grounding techniques. All you have to do is to list things around you that you can interact with your senses, going down from five. For example:

• Five things you see
• Four things you hear
• Three things you can touch or feel
• Two things you can smell
• One thing you can taste

You can arrange the order or number of senses to your liking. It can help to say your list aloud and pay attention to things you don’t notice regularly to further focus your mind.

2. Deep Mindful Breathing

Inhale and exhale slowly, taking care to notice how each breath causes your body to move. Try to be mindful of the sensations as each breath fills your body and pushes out.

You can also practice the 4-7-8 breathing exercise:

• Inhale deeply while counting to four.
• Hold your breath for seven seconds.
• Exhale slowly to eight counts.

3. Lie Down on the Floor

You can take these grounding exercises literally and lay on the ground. When you do this, try to feel all points of contact between your body and the floor. Focus on where your head, back, shoulders, elbows, arms, legs, and feet touch the ground.

While you do these, it’s also beneficial to do your breathing exercises.

4. Designate a Grounding Chair

Choose a cozy chair where you can lean back while still having your feet reach the floor comfortably. Sit down with your feet flat on the ground, preferably with no shoes or slippers.

Focus on the points of contact between your body and both the ground and chair. Think of how the chair material feels on your skin, how your body fits the chair, and how your feet feel steady on the floor.

Incorporate intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

5. Go on a Short Walk

Take a brisk walk or a jog to let out pent up energy. You can go outdoors or just walk around your house or on a treadmill. While walking, stamping your feet intentionally and focusing on the sensation it causes can further help you concentrate on the present moment.

It also helps to take intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

6. Stretch and Exercise

Aside from walking, stretching and other exercises also serve as great grounding techniques. The important thing is to get your body moving and your mind away from your worries. 

You can do exercises in place, such as jumping jacks or jogging in place. Yoga is also a great exercise for this as it pairs well with mindful breathing and meditation.

7. Do Some Gardening

Almost any other physical activity that requires you to engage as much of your body as possible can become a grounding technique. A great example is gardening. Repetitive actions like pulling weeds are great. These allow you to pay closer attention to the sensations of what you’re doing rather than the actions themselves — without causing much (if any) potential harm to yourself.

8. Rub Your Hands Together

If you can’t get up and move around, even simply rubbing your hands together can help. You can even add in a few claps for variety. Instead of just concentrating on the action and how it feels, pay attention to the noise you make as well.

You can also try rubbing your hand over your clothes, table, chair, or other piece of furniture nearby. Notice the different textures on your skin and how it makes you feel.

9. Submerge Your Hands in Water

Dipping your hands into a bowl of water — especially if it’s cold — can shock you into focusing on your surroundings and the present moment.

When you put your hands in water, focus on how the water feels around your fingers and how it flows when you move your hands. It can also help to alternate between placing your hands into warm water then cold water.

10. Hold Ice Cubes

This is a great grounding technique if you suffer from anxiety. Just hold a couple of ice cubes in your hand for a few seconds. Concentrate on how cold the ice is and how it feels in your palms.

You can also trace the ice along your arms or legs and focus on the sensation it causes. Just be careful that the ice isn’t cold enough to cause ice burns.

11. Touch Something Comforting

The opposite of shocking your sense of touch is a good grounding technique, too. Instead, find an object with a texture that brings you joy or comfort. This can be anything — a polished stone, a fluffy blanket, or even just a soft piece of yarn. As always, focus on the sensations when you hold your grounding object.

12. Squeeze a Stress Ball

Stress balls are amazing grounding tools since they not only give you something to concentrate on but also require some strength for maximum effect. Focus your energy on two things — how the ball feels in your palm and on the strength or energy you need to really squeeze your stress ball.

Instead of simply squeezing the stress ball absentmindedly, imagine it as the source of your stress. You can also visualize putting all your anxiety into the ball as you squeeze it and then letting it go when you release your hold.

13. Play With a Fidget Cube

Like stress balls, playing with fidget cubes and similar toys like spinners can help counter your stress and anxiety. If you’re restless, then you’ll likely find fidget cubes extra useful.

The repetitive nature of fidget toys can provide anxiety relief. Always try to remain focused on your actions and pay attention to how your hands and fingers move.

Mental Grounding Techniques

These are mental exercises or distractions that primarily aim to reframe your mind and redirect you away from your upsetting thoughts and feelings.

14. Meditation Exercises

Meditation is the intentional practice of being in the present moment. This is a great technique to empty your mind and escape from the feeling of having too many thoughts — especially upsetting ones. If you’re new to meditating, there are plenty of apps that can guide you.

If you want even more effective grounding techniques, you can practice meditation while doing other physical grounding exercises, like walking, stretching, and other repetitive actions.

15. Describe Your Surroundings

Take a few minutes to look around you and describe what you see. Try to use as much of your five senses as you can.

Aside from describing what you see, describe what you feel, too. Be as detailed as you can to stimulate your brain. Is your chair soft or hard? How is the temperature in your room? What color is your table or your shirt?

16. Imagine Storing Your Feelings in a Box

Imagine filling a box with all your upsetting thoughts and negative feelings. Visualize yourself gathering all those upsetting emotions and balling them up, then putting them in a box and locking the box securely. The idea is not to suppress or stuff your emotions for good, but instead contain them until you feel ready to revisit them.

19. Count Backwards

We know not all of us are math people, but numbers offer a nice distraction. A simple way to use numbers to center your thoughts is to count backwards from 100. You don’t necessarily need to reach one. Just keep counting backwards until you feel calmer, more in the present, and farther away from your upsetting thoughts.

20. Play Sudoku

If you’re open to slightly more difficult number-based grounding techniques, then answering a Sudoku puzzle is a really good one. Sudoku can be quite the challenge and requires your full mind power. This means you need to be fully in the present moment. 

Other brain exercises and puzzle games like word searches, jigsaws, crossword puzzles, and tetris-like block puzzles work, too.

21. Recite a Poem or Passage 

Quietly recite a poem, book passage, or even the lines from a movie scene that you know by heart. You can also recite the lyrics of a song you love. For greater effect, try visualizing the words as you’d see them when written on a page.

Saying the words out loud instead of just in your mind is preferable, but if that isn’t possible, you can also just say it in your head. It will still help redirect your thoughts away from what’s causing your anxiety. 

Soothing Grounding Techniques

These are a mix of both physical and mental grounding exercises. Instead of simply redirecting your mind away from upsetting thoughts, soothing grounding techniques focus more on making you feel at ease.

22. Make a Warm Drink

Make your favorite comforting, hot beverage. Whether this is tea, coffee, or hot chocolate is up to you. While preparing your drink, you can also practice mindfulness. Take note of each movement you make and how everything you touch feels. When you’re done making it, take a seat somewhere relaxing and savor each sip of your drink.

23. Take a Bath or Shower

Like with other grounding techniques, be mindful of each step you take in preparing your bath or shower. When you do get in the bath (or shower), let the water envelop you — pay extra attention to how it makes you feel.

Many prefer warm baths to really soak in, unwind, and release all their stress. On the other hand, cold showers are great too, especially if you want to jolt yourself out of a “fight or flight” mindset. 

24. Sit or Lie Down With Your Pet

Cuddling with your pet is amazing for relieving stress, anxiety, and general worries. Spending a few minutes just sitting with them and stroking their fur is a huge help. Concentrating on the feeling of their fur or the up-and-down movement of their chest also adds to their calming effect.

Additionally, the positive effect of pets on stress is scientifically proven — they actually lower the levels of stress-related hormones and blood pressure.

25. Smell Something Familiar

You can light a candle, spray on perfume, open a packet of comfort food, or light some incense. Familiar scents can help you feel calmer. For some, it may be a food or drink they find comforting. For others, it’s something they associate with a person or event that makes them feel happy or safe. 

26. Listen to Calming Music

The type of music depends entirely on your tastes. In general, instrumentals like classical music or jazz are calming for most people. If that’s not your style, then just listening to your favorite music — whether it’s an upbeat or mellow song — is an effective way to distract and comfort yourself.

27. Listen to ASMR

Aside from calming music, listening to ASMR or autonomous sensory meridian response videos can be a great grounding technique, too. ASMR is a relaxing sensory experience, where sounds (and sometimes visuals) are used to “trigger” a calming yet spine-tingling sensation to help you feel more relaxed.

You’ll find tons of ASMR videos online. These videos are characterized by clear sounds from everyday objects and soft whispers.

Putting on your favorite TV show or reading a book or graphic novel can work as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

28. Put on Your Comfort Show or Movie

Putting on your favorite TV show or a movie from your to-watch list is a great way to mindfully distract yourself from unwanted thoughts and emotions. Watching something — as well as reading a book or graphic novel — works as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

29. Watch a Funny Video

If you don’t have time to watch a two-hour movie or even a 45-minute show, then short but funny videos work just as well. A good meme or a clip from your favorite comedian’s latest show can help diffuse any intense emotions you may be carrying. Laughing can help you feel lighter, so you can later tackle the source of your stress with a clearer head.

30. Color in a Coloring Book

In recent years, coloring books have become quite a trend — even among adults. This is thanks to the soothing effect coloring can give you. It not only calms the brain but also keeps it active as you pick out colors and try to stay inside the lines. Coloring also promotes mindfulness and embracing the imperfect.

31. Plan a Fun Activity for Later

Doing something now isn’t the only way to ground yourself to the present moment. Planning something you will enjoy can give the same benefits. This can be something as simple as planning what to cook for yourself or visiting a new cafe with a friend. It can also be an activity that requires more preparation, like an out-of-town trip or going to a concert.

32. Picture Your Favorite Place

If you can’t go to your favorite place physically, then you can visualize it instead. Close your eyes and imagine actually being there — whether it’s a far-off place or your childhood home. Try to remember how the place feels, smells, and even what the surroundings sound like.

33. Imagine the Face or Voice of a Loved One

Alternatively, you can also visualize a loved one. It’s important to choose someone that you associate with comfort and safety, or someone who has a calming effect on you. Instead of just picturing how they look, think about how their voice sounds, how they smell, and what they might say.

34. List Down Things That Bring You Joy

What makes you happy? Think about your favorite things — the things that make you smile and leave you with warm, fuzzy feelings inside. You can list them down mentally or on paper. These can be your favorite foods, color, songs, people, or even places you want to go to. Visualize each item you list down as clearly as you can before moving to the next one.

35. Say Words of Affirmation

Being kinder to yourself and saying words of affirmation out loud can work wonders in calming you down and soothing your worries. Examples of affirmative, compassionate words are:

• This will pass.
• I will be okay.
• I’m strong.
• I’m doing my best.
• This is only temporary.
• I can do this.

Get the Most Out of Grounding Techniques

The key to getting the most out of these grounding techniques is to practice them regularly. Making them a part of your daily routine makes it easier for you to fall back on these practices as soon as you notice yourself in distress or on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Grounding techniques are effective in helping you manage your mental health by yourself. Speaking with a therapist can help you further improve your mental state, as well as learn new grounding exercises.

At Clarity Therapy, we offer a free therapist matching service to help you get connected with the right therapist for you. Simply share your preferences on our questionnaire and our clinical team will provide personalized recommendations to your inbox. All of our therapists provide complimentary phone consultations, so you can see if it feels like a good fit before starting therapy.

Your Turn: Have you found particular grounding techniques helpful in your day to day routines? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

No matter where on the spectrum your family falls from wonderful to awful, going home for the holidays is more complicated for most than all joy, merriment, and lights. Even as adults, stepping back into in-person family dynamics can make us feel like a kid again, including all the unpleasant parts. If this is you, know that you’re not alone.

In my experience as a therapist supporting clients with family relationship challenges, it’s common for clients to feel ambivalent or anxious when anticipating family time. Particularly during this time of year, my sessions with clients often focus on exploring together where they have some control to support themselves as they prepare for their time ahead with family. In this post, I want to share a few great ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays this year.

6 ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays:

1. Manage your expectations

Mom is still mom and Uncle Joe is still Uncle Joe. Your sister will still run late, and your brother won’t get you a gift.  In short, everyone will still be themselves, and your family will still be your family.  Even more so as they, too, try to manage the stress and expectations of this time of year.

It may be helpful to remind yourself of this as you plan to travel home.  A useful mantra might be, “My holiday will be just another day(s) in my relationships, even if it’s tricked out in lights.” Keeping this in mind may help you better manage surprise and disappointment.

2. Your feelings are tools.

If you’ve ever been to therapy, you may have heard the expression that “feelings aren’t facts.” However, you can use your feelings as support. Your feelings can give you information about what you need. Gather information about your needs and check in with yourself from time to time. Examining your feelings objectively and anticipating them can also help you feel more grounded and in control.

Examining your feelings objectively and anticipating them can also help you feel more grounded and in control.

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For example, Are you feeling angry anticipating your grandmother and aunts asking if you are seeing anyone? Prepare a one-liner to have on hand in response. Are you feeling anxious about spending so much time with your brother? Consider planning a trip home for 3 days instead of the 6 days you had planned; Set a time to walk with a friend out of the house ahead of time. Are you worried about feeling bad in your body with all of the heavy cooking? Plan to bring some prepared food for yourself that you know feels good in your body.

3. “I’m going for a walk now”

Setting boundaries is one of the great ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays. They’re also some of the most empowering tools at your disposal to honor yourself and your relationships. Boundaries can look like physical space—going for an errand out of the home, spending time in your room, staying in the basement or a hotel, or removing yourself from the conversation if the subject matter is triggering.

They can also look like telling others what you’ll do to maintain your emotional and physical wellbeing. These may include things like;“I  will be bringing one present for everyone as this is what I can comfortably afford,” or “I have to leave the day after Christmas,” or “Please don’t use this pronoun with me.” 

Note: If you feel physically or emotionally unsafe with your family, more extreme boundaries are an option to you, such as choosing to not go home at all or to leave early.

4. Yes, it’s really okay to go for a walk now, no matter what Aunt Paula says.

Setting boundaries is one of the most empowering tools at your disposal to take care of yourself and your relationships.

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5. Be kind to yourself

This is a complex time of year.  Families are complicated.  In the spirit of generosity, practice some with yourself, too.  Try telling yourself: “This is hard,” “I deserve to take care of myself,” or “I’m doing my best.”  One of the ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays is by being your best ally.

Being your own best ally can look like taking basic care of your needs like making sure that you are getting enough quality sleep, eating nourishing foods, and moving your body in joyful ways. Or explore a supportive habit like meditation, breathing, or journaling to manage stress.

6. Call in the reserves

When immediate family members feel tough, overwhelming, or limited, call in the reserves. Get creative. Who is available to support you with some of your experience?  Who can help you get out of your head or feel more grounded for a while? Maybe this looks like one particular ally in your family, or some friends in your hometown with whom you can make plans. Can you set a Facetime with your partner?  If you have a therapist, can you set a plan of support with them?  If you don’t have a trusted therapist, consider reaching out to find one. Follow a therapist or other accounts on Instagram that feel affirming. If you’ve decided not to go home for the holidays, where can you access your chosen family?

The Bottom Line

Setting boundaries and practicing these techniques may feel uncomfortable at first. It’s completely normal to get some pushback, especially if you’ve never set boundaries with family, friends, or loved ones before.

But with these helpful tools and strategies, my wish is that you’ll feel more self-assured and equipped to honor your own needs in any family holiday environment. As you search for gifts, also search for choices, tools, and supports available to you before you head home this year. You’ve got this.

Your Turn: What ways do you take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays? Share what’s worked in the comments below.

How can breathwork help your anxiety? 

Are you finding yourself replaying experience and conversations over and over again in your mind? Do you have trouble letting things go? You might feel stuck analyzing and trying to control what can’t be controlled?

You might think being in our mind can “fix”or provide you with the solution. When truly being stuck in your mind can make your anxiety worse. If you want to learn to trust yourself, improve your anxiety, and feel a deeper connection to yourself, breathwork is a great place to start.

What is breathwork?

Breathwork can help you make sense of what feels jumbled in your mind. Breathwork is often used in Somatic Therapy, because it can invite you into your body with a sense of gentleness and compassion.

The practice of connecting with your breath takes us into a rhythmic breath that stimulates your vagus nerve. This tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress. The vagus nerve helps regulate your breathing and heart rate.

Giving your body the opportunity to experience ease, presence, and safety. There are many forms of breathwork that can help with your anxiety and alter your consciousness.

4 Types of Breathing That Can Help Anxiety 

1. Box breathing is where you exhale for a count of four, hold your lungs empty for a count of four, breath in for a count of four, and then exhale for a count of four. Repeating this pattern, you can maintain this sequence for a couple minutes to gain comfort with the rhythm. 

2. Belly breathing, also known as diaphragmatic breathing is when you send air into your stomach causing it to balloon out. A way to practice this is to lay on your back and place your hand on your stomach so you can feel your stomach expanding as you send breath into your abdomen with your other hand on your chest. Your hand on your stomach will rise and fall as you inhale and exhale the air from your stomach. Repeat this breath for a few minutes. 

3. Pursed lip breathing is a simple way to slow down your breathing and make it more intentional. Sitting in a comfortable position you will inhale through your nose for two slow counts and exhale out your mouth for four seconds, pursing your lips together as you exhale. 

Stimulating the vagus nerve through breathwork tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress.

 

4. Holotropic breathing is a form of breathwork that can be done with a facilitator or practiced on your own. You lay down or sit in a comfortable position. This is a three part breath, all through the mouth. With your first breath – the active breath – you’ll be breathing into your stomach – ballooning out your belly, the second breath into the chest (the heart space) and the third breath out through the mouth.

Repeat this pattern of breath, taking your time to get familiar with how it feels. Continue for a couple minutes and when you’re ready, open your eyes and reflect on how you felt. For instance, what feelings or thoughts came up during that time?

How can breathwork help ease anxiety?

Breathwork allows the subconscious mind to come forward so healing can take place. The holotropic breath is a quickening of the breath and involves breathing in a specific pattern.

The holotropic breath takes us out of the everyday pattern of breath and introduces a new pattern to us. Research shows that this can improve feelings of clarity, self-awareness, and proves a relief from stress, anxiety, and boosts the immune system.

How can I practice breathwork to manage MY anxiety?

Breathwork can be added into your morning routine and practiced throughout the day. When we first wake up our brain is in what’s called the alpha state. This is when your subconscious mind is readily available to you. This is a great opportunity to practice any form of breathwork.

Getting Started with Breathwork

While breathwork may look different from person to person, here are some helpful tips to start and evolve your own breathwork practice. 

1. Be patient with yourself, exercise the practice of breathwork with gentle curiosity, non-judgement, and compassion.
2. Practice when you aren’t feeling anxious so when you are it’ll feel more natural to implement the exercise. 
3. Where is my mind going? Check in with your thoughts while you are in the active breath. Simply noticing the thoughts, without trying to judge, change or force.
4. How am I feeling at this moment? Check in with the content of your thoughts as well as your physical sensations in your body. Is something distressing me, do I feel tension, or tightness somewhere in my body as a result? 
5. What thoughts or feelings are no longer serving me? Imagine a certain color with the negative thoughts or emotions that you’d like to release and visualize this as you exhale. 

Additional Benefits of Breathwork

Some benefits you’ll see is a greater ability to manage your anxiety. When you’re anxious or stressed your breathing is disrupted. By being able to support your breath, you’re helping to regulate your nervous system. 

Breathwork can cause physiological changes such as lower blood pressure and heart rate. You may experience lower levels of stress hormones in the blood, and increased feelings of contentment and joy. By breathing in these new ways, you’re communicating to your brain that it’s safe to relax. 

Clients often share that they’re able to release fear and anxiety through breathwork. Additionally, they feel more centered, grounded, and present in their day-to-day experiences. It’s a joy to witness my clients gain purpose and clarity and make changes to live life to its fullest.

You may also notice a subtle shift in your relationships. You’ll begin to feel a deeper connection to yourself and others. You too, can cultivate a sense of peace and silent strength through breathwork. My wish is that this precious tool can carry you through life’s ups and downs, just as it has for me.

Your Turn: Did this topic resonate with you? Share your experience of breathwork below, or book a complimentary consultation with Melanie to explore the life-changing effects of breathwork for managing anxiety.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship may leave you feeling depleted, less than, and losing trust in yourself and questioning your own lived experience. Despite your best attempts to please or smooth over the situation, you may find it impossible to prevent your partner’s angry outbursts or sour moods. 

It’s not uncommon for some people to initially confuse the drama-filled intensity of a new relationship for feelings of intimacy. Once this pattern has been established, this defining characteristic of the relationship may feel like a new normal. However, it’s anything but.

The tricky thing for many people is that not all relationships start out toxic. Oftentimes, new partners put their best foot forward in a new relationship. Over time, as the relationship grows more familiar, unhealthy behaviors and communication patterns begin to emerge. This is why it’s often difficult for partners caught in a cycle of abuse to leave, the relationship wasn’t always “all bad,” there were happy times too.

Signs you’re in a toxic relationship

Here are a few signs of toxic relationships. If you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship ask yourself if you experience any of the following:

• Feeling drained or depleted more often than not due to the negative exchanges in the relationship
• Feeling like the relationship is strictly a one-way street
• Preoccupied with pleasing your partner
• Walking on eggshells not to “rock the boat” or make your partner angry or upset
• Denying yourself your own needs or desires at the expense of your partners
• Lack of trust in your partner
• Feeling judged or rejected by your partner
• Persistent unreliability or follow through on promises or daily responsibilities
• Insufficient support
• Controlling behaviors (who you see, what you wear, what you spend your money or time on)
• Jealousy and insecurity masked as “caring”
• Resentment
• Lying and dishonesty
• Patterns of disrespect
• Lack of support / withholding support
• Codependency
• Avoidance (shutting down or giving one the silent treatment instead of addressing issues maturely)
• Physical, verbal or financial abuse
• Humiliation (belittling you in front of others)

Here are examples of behaviors that people in toxic relationships may confuse for romance, but are actually unhealthy:

• “They love me so much and want to spend every minute with me…that’s why I’m not able to go out with friends/engage in a favorite activity/go certain places alone/have my own….”
• “They buy me clothes they insist on me wearing that I don’t really like, but it’s easier for me to just wear it than to have an argument about it”
• “I love you so much and do so much for you, what do you mean you won’t…. (do xyz behavior or allow them to do xyz behavior that’s hurtful, disrespectful, or tramples your boundaries).
• “Trust me, I’m doing this for your own good…”
• “This isn’t a healthy/good/right action or decision for me, but I’m doing it because they need me.”

Why am i ATTRACTED TO toxic relationships?

Oftentimes people romanticize toxic relationships out of fears of abandonment and attachment issues. This is related to childhood experiences, personal trauma, family of origins dynamics, and patterns of relationships from our past (often our parents).

Movies and TV series also often misrepresent romantic relationships. As a psychotherapist, it’s uncomfortable watching these played out. Young people see dysfunctional behavior on the silver screen and are led to believe that everything is justified, since the couple “passionately” loves each other. After all, we’re taught from a young age that “love conquers all” or “love is all you need.”  It’s no wonder that mutual trust, respect, healthy communication and dependability aren’t a part of the plot. These things aren’t sexy, nor do they sell tantalizing storylines. As a licensed marriage and family therapist with a decade of experience helping couples, I can tell you with confidence that these are the cornerstones to any healthy relationship. These intense, drama-filled interactions aren’t conducive to long-lasting relationships and are better left for hollywood.

Intense, drama-filled interactions aren’t conducive to long-lasting relationships and are better left for hollywood.

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We also desperately want to be loved by “the one,” our partner, or future ideal partner we’ve daydreamed about in our head. However, people might recreate their parental relationships with their partners, wanting to fix old trauma in their new romantic relationships. But that does not usually work. All couples relationships involve projection. We project our unconscious issues onto the other person and vice versa.

For instance, a partner may have been raised in an abusive home, where their father is physically and verbally abusive to his partner and his children. Based on their past family dynamics, this partner may not tolerate physical abuse, but might accept manipulation or verbal abuse from their love interest instead.  A partner may be raised thinking they are not lovable as a child (believing that their parents do not love them), therefore, they may put up with abuse in order to pursue love, or may continue to question what true love looks like.

How to heal from a toxic relationship

When each partner feels respected and appreciated by the other for who they are, there is little to no room for toxicity. Each partner should have their own life and respect the other’s individuality, including any differences between them. Partners ought to recognize each other as individuals before they can move forward in partnership.

When issues arise, couples must be able to discuss them in a curious and compassionate way. It is important to take a non-judgemental approach when navigating any kind of relationship. Effective and respectful communication is the key. Communication style ultimately determines whether someone can feel safe in a relationship and be honest about their beliefs. If your communication patterns consist of corrosive communication, where one or both parties are belittling and degrading one another, this may be indicative of other issues within the relationship that aren’t being addressed.

Couples therapy can be very helpful for couples who experience certain elements of their relationship that are toxic. However, keep in mind that for some, the healthiest thing to do may mean letting go of the relationship if it is not able to be fixed. If staying in a relationship means doing so at the expense of your mental health, confidence, and self-esteem then the relationship may be beyond saving.

The bottom line is if the relationship does not feel right, is toxic and abusive, start to look for help. After experiencing a toxic relationship, many people find it helpful to take some time off from dating and focus on healing emotional wounds with the help of a therapist or other supportive outlets in your life.

Your Turn: How do you define a toxic relationship? What helped you identify the relationship wasn’t right for you? Share what helped you to heal from a toxic relationship in the comments below.

The majority of people struggle with creating healthy boundaries. This is true for many of my clients in individual, couples, and family therapy. People lack healthy relational boundaries within their personal and professional worlds. Why is it so difficult for people to establish healthy boundaries? As a therapist and in my own life, I’ve seen the unique impact of the current pandemic on this topic.

Examine the impact of COVID-19

In this current era of COVID-19, more and more people have discovered the need for healthy boundaries. It may be true that for the first time in our life we have a legitimate excuse for not doing things. Now you’re able to say, “Sorry mom and dad, I can’t join you for the holidays” or “Sorry, I can’t see you for drinks. I’m quarantining.” You may also find yourself saying,“ I have to sign out of work, because my children need me at home.”

Taking precautions in the name of the greater good finally gave us permission to step back.

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Social distancing for some can provide the opportunity to take a break from our usual social obligations. I often witness how many of my clients say “no” to others, but still feel guilty. The question is why did it take a pandemic for us to form healthy boundaries and become more assertive?

For many, taking precautions in the name of the greater good finally gave us permission to step back. The innate drive of self-preservation in the face of a universal danger may play a role. It’s also possible that some people are simply running out of energy. This pandemic has pushed us to our limits and we’re running on empty. People feel like they have to protect themselves not only from the virus, but from the demands of others. When we’re placed under immense pressure, it’s not uncommon to shut down in self-protection.

Explore the power of healthy boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is about being able to tell others what we want and what we expect from them.

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Setting boundaries is vital to our emotional wellbeing. Healthy boundaries help people to thrive and feel empowered in their lives. Setting healthy boundaries is about being able to tell others what we want and what we expect from them. It includes setting limits, and letting others know how we want to be treated. It’s also about knowing and communicating what we will and will not tolerate. Setting boundaries establishes what is healthy for us, and what is not. Cultivating the ability to say “No, that doesn’t work for me,” is powerful.

Reflect on the origin of your own boundaries

Why is setting healthy boundaries so difficult for some? The ability to form healthy boundaries is often rooted in our family of origin. It’s easy to follow the same patterns we experienced in childhood. These patterns may be maladaptive now, yet feel “safer” and more familiar. As adults it’s helpful to periodically examine our behavior and ask questions such as:

• Do I have firm, individual self-boundaries, and self-worth?
• Do I meet my own needs, and practice assertiveness?
• Am I quick to meet other people’s needs before my own?
• Do I feel uncomfortable and guilty when saying “no” to others?
• Do I tell white lies instead of telling the truth for the sake of “keeping the peace” or to avoid confrontation?
• Do I fear people will judge me if I’m not comforting to others’ needs?
• Do I take care of myself? Are my needs met?

It is important to stop and think about why we do what we do. Often, we copy the patterns from our family of origin. Are we quick to jump into problem solving mode which skims the surface? Perhaps we saw how our parents weren’t able to talk about underlying issues. We may have grown up with parents who didn’t ask how we felt but instead told us what to think and do. Sometimes there are cultural and societal expectations. For example, some cultures put pressure on adult children to take care of aging parents. Don’t get me wrong, children supporting aging parents is a selfless thing. However we may be crossing boundaries when a child feels responsible for their parent’s happiness and wellbeing.

For example, let’s consider well-meaning in-laws who continue to drop by unannounced to see your newborn. You feel like you barely had time to unpack your hospital bag before they arrived. Their frequent visits at all hours of the day are leaving you feeling drained and intruded upon. Let them know that you appreciate their visits, but need some time alone during this adjustment period. You’ll invite them over when you are more rested and feel ready to welcome visitors again.

Objectively, this is a reasonable boundary. Yet, you may be accused of being unkind or selfish by others for keeping the new grandchild from the loving grandparents. This pushback may lead to feelings of guilt which may cause you to abandon your healthy boundary. When negative feelings and disapproval from others is overwhelming, this is when we often abandon our boundaries. For the moment, we’ve kept the peace and gained temporary relief from feeling bad, but at our own expense.

By setting boundaries you’re in fact honoring what you need.

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Remember, by setting boundaries you’re in fact honoring what you need. It’s important to hold the tension of saying no. They may complain to you or even try to stop by again hoping you’ll change your mind. In which case, perhaps you choose not open the door or answer the telephone. Following through on healthy boundaries means honoring your needs even when others may disagree.

The bottom line for creating healthy boundaries

If something doesn’t feel good, it’s generally not good for us. In one recent session with a client, she described how she was asked to drive a friend to the airport. Since she did not have a job, she felt obliged. Now, this client is terribly afraid of driving on busy roads, but was ashamed to admit this to her friend. She reluctantly agreed with high anxiety and off they went. She ended up hitting a toll booth. Both the driver and her passenger were quite scared. Since then she has learned the benefit of saying “no,” and practices establishing healthy boundaries with others.

It can be difficult, but one way to begin to set healthy boundaries is to stop placing so much value on what other people think and feel. It’s important that we stop living our lives based on what we should do according to others. Let’s focus on self-acceptance and treat our own needs without judgment or criticism. Be brave enough to tell people how you feel and what works or doesn’t work for you. Say yes to cultivating the personal authority that is already within you. When you do this, you will be able to also say yes to the requests that align with you and say no enthusiastically to those that don’t.

Your Turn: How can you begin to set healthier boundaries? I’d love to hear how you are creating new boundaries in the comments below.

After centuries of trauma and oppression, the impact of racism in the United States is finally being brought to light.  Racism is systemically ingrained in our society and has led to generations of race-based trauma.  While the racist activity of today is often less blatant and overt than in the past, technology has provided an outlet for both blatant and subtle racism via cybervictimization and bullying.

Cyberbullying and cybervictimization are terms that can be used interchangeably to describe acts of harm towards others online.  However, cybervictimization may also refer to the longer-lasting consequences as a result of cyberbullying, such as race-based trauma.  Cyberbullying is often mistakenly thought to be a problem exclusive to youth.  However, it occurs across all age groups, perhaps even more so in racially-motivated ways.

What is race-based trauma?

Race-based trauma is a form of complex, internal traumatic responses resulting from overt, covert, and systemic acts of racism.  Race-based trauma is chronic and tends to include experiences such as hypervigilance, fear, feeling “on-edge,” irritability, depression, trouble concentrating, and distrust.  These responses have been learned as a means of survival in a society where people of color are not treated with the same value as the majority.

Recent events have extubated traumatic experiences.  With the recent killings of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Ahmaud Arbery, Black individuals are being reminded of how unsafe society can be for them.  Oftentimes, emotional reactions are dismissed or invalidated by those in positions of privilege.  Other times, the idea of systemic racism is denied altogether.  This invalidation, known as gaslighting, adds fuel to fire of race-based trauma.

For a more in-depth look at race-based trauma and how to cope, see my previous post, 6 Ways to Cope with Race-Based Trauma.

How cyberbullying plays a part

The internet provides many outlets for overt and covert racism to occur. Overt racism includes acts such as verbal abuse, racial slurs, and acts of violence. Covert racism includes subtle acts to subvert, distort, restrict, and deny racial minorities access to societal privileges and benefits. This can include microaggressions, which by nature are difficult to detect as they include subtle messages and behaviors that highlight racist attitudes. These often involve harmful assumptions about black people or the denial of equitable opportunities.

With the veil of anonymity and sense of safety behind the screen, individuals have an easier time displaying both overt and covert racism, even in actions that are deemed socially unacceptable by today’s standards. Acts of cyberbullying can occur on an individual, group, or systemic level.

With the veil of anonymity and sense of safety behind the screen, individuals have an easier time displaying both overt and covert racism, even in actions that are deemed socially unacceptable by today’s standards.

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Common acts of race-based cybervictimization and cyberbullying include racist memes and jokes, overt abuse and racist remarks directed towards an individual of color, racist remarks directed towards an ethnicity or racial group, derogatory comments or jokes made about victims of racism (i.e. jokes about the death of George Floyd), white supremacist groups and forums, sharing inaccurate or biased information against people of color, defamation, denial of racism, censoring the voices of people of color, and invalidating expressions of pain and injustice from people of color.

Race-based cybervictimization can be isolating and disempowering. It often removes the ability to defend oneself, and the perpetrator may receive no consequence for their actions. The acts of racism may also be publicized.

The power imbalance, lack of defense, and lack of consequences of cyberbullying are as profound as the overt racism from decades prior. Research is currently underway that suggests that Black people are especially prone to race-based trauma and cybervictimization. Compared to other ethnic groups, Black people may be the most likely to experience acts of race-based cyberbullying. Black people may also experience the strongest traumatic effects due to it. Research also shows that the effects of cybervictimization can be as profound as any trauma leading to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

In general, cyberbullying can lead to serious mental health consequences. These can include:

Those who experience cyberbullying are also more likely to drop out of school or experience challenges at work.

Cyberbullying does not need to be directed at an individual.  As mentioned, it can happen on a group or systemic level as well.  Gaslighting is a major problem when dealing with these levels of cybervictimization.  For example, let’s say you come across a racist joke or meme posted by a friend on social media.  This is a form of cyberbullying and cybervictimization.  Perhaps this joke upset you, and you express your feelings about it to this person.  The person may respond with something similar to, “It was just a joke” or “you’re being too sensitive.”  This is a form of gaslighting, which further contributes to race-based trauma. This contributes to  an individual questioning their lived experience, authentic emotions, and having to manage legitimate levels of outrage out of concern about how they may be perceived.

Coping with cybervictimization

One problem that people of color, especially women, have to deal with is the idea of always having to be “strong.” Well-intentioned people may try to empower people of color by saying something like, “You’re so strong” in situations of adversity. While it may be true, it can also be exhausting to constantly live up to the idea of being a strong person. This can also be a harmful race-based trope of the “strong black woman.” While the intention is to empower the individual, it can oftentimes take away the reality and space which allows individuals to be a full human, that is allowing for moments of strength and vulnerability.

It also contributes to and plays on the fact that black women have had to be strong figures within the family unit due to direct and indirect impacts of chattel slavery, Jim Crow laws, and mass incarceration. Kind sentiments also do little to change systemic racism. It is OK to be tired of always having to be strong and it’s OK to not always be strong.

Here are some tips for coping with cybervictimization:

1. Recognize and avoid self-blame and internalization
2. Remove the harm from your environment
3. Find social support
4. Connect with empowering organizations and online communities

1. Recognize and avoid self-blame or internalization

Cybervictimization is always the fault of the perpetrator.

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When we are on the receiving end of cybervictimization, we often become more critical of ourselves. If bullying occurs on an individual-level, we may wonder if we did something to deserve it, or regret standing up for ourselves. Cybervictimization is always the fault of the perpetrator. Being aware of this practice, and stopping ourselves when we notice it, can reduce the internalization of these experiences.

3. Find social support.

Connecting with supportive friends and family is absolutely vital to well-being. It is even more important when dealing with trauma of any form.

Connecting with supportive friends and family is absolutely vital to well-being.

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Online support groups can also help. DailyStrength.org has support groups dedicated to a wide range of issues, including cyberbullying. Connecting with a counselor is also helpful.

4. Connect with empowering organizations and online communities.

There are many organizations dedicated to empowering people of color. To find an organization, see the articles 28 Organizations that Empower Black Communities, 50 WOC-led Organizations in the U.S. That We Should Support, and 11 Hispanic and Latino Organizations Everyone Should Know.

Finding a therapist

When searching for a therapist, it is important to find someone who you feel is a valuable ally. If a therapist is of a different racial or ethnic background than you, it is good to explore their stance on anti-racism. It is also OK to inquire about what they have done to fight against racism. It is important to feel comfortable with your therapist, so don’t be afraid to ask.

It’s important that you feel heard, seen, and understood in your lived experience by your therapist.

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It is also OK to request a therapist of the same racial or ethnic background as you. Being able to voice your needs means that you empower yourself in your journey to improved emotional wellbeing. After all, the relationship and rapport you have with your therapist is key to your success in therapy. It’s important that you feel heard, seen, and understood in your lived experience by your therapist. Finding the right therapist means finding an unconditional source of support and genuine connection.

The Bottom Line

You deserve to feel heard, be valued, and feel safe online. Many resources are available to combat race-based trauma and cybervictimization, and you never have to deal with the trauma alone. While technology has allowed cybervictimization to occur, it also provides avenues and opportunity to fight against it.

Your Turn: Have you experienced cyberbullying due to your race or ethnicity? How did you handle it? Share what helped you to cope in the comments below.

The current pandemic restrictions have impacted our ability to nurture our traveling mindsets. It impacts both the mindset of the traveler who seeks the adrenaline rush of facing the unknown as well as the individual who is looking for solace and a quiet release from the tensions of daily life.

The proverbial question, whether in therapy or not, remains “To what end”? Travel limitations can serve as a very real form of psychological prison whether an individual is escaping the ordinary either towards an adventure or away from a reality. We also may consider any psychological conditions that a person may already be experiencing. A person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) will very likely react to the same circumstances in a different manner than a person who is feeling depressed. When traveling is permitted, it may be now a source of tension as we attempt to navigate what feels safe.

Learn how travel restrictions may impact our mental health, and what we can do about it.

Discover what attracts you to traveling

My partner and I are both psychotherapists who have engaged in a great deal of travel. The first question to consider is what kind of travel primarily attracts you. Is it a week on a Carribean beach or high adventure? Perhaps something in between? For the two of us, adventure generally wins.

Focus on the good news

The good news is that while facing travel restrictions, not everything needs to be virtual. You can still travel and explore, you just may need to look in new places.

You can still travel and explore, you just may need to look in new places.
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Currently New York State parks are open for hiking, biking, and camping. More and more destinations are open, with the necessary precautions of course.

Plan for future travel

You can use this time to enhance your travel skill sets, explore your curiosity, and develop your traveling desires through online courses. Plan your travel itinerary so you’ll be ready once things open up. It may be helpful to consider that despite the current restrictions, these times of less travel can also serve as a vessel for reflection, contemplation, and future planning.

Practice being open-minded

If you are able to be open-minded, prepare to be surprised. Some regular travelers have discovered the wonders that they would have missed had they not had the opportunity to change course in their thinking.

If you are able to be open-minded, prepare to be surprised.
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Some are even using this time as a form of Sabbatical from the usual demands of their life. Others are in the process of making major changes as they have used this time for reflection to align themselves more with the life that they want to live. See what options you have in your thinking and work from this orientation.

Find adventures in your own backyard

Our clients who usually “fly away” to different countries have discovered adventures in their own backyard – the camping trips, bonfires, outdoor cooking, and observing nature with its true colors. For the first time in our experiences with clients, they have talked about bird watching, sunsets they observed, walks, and hikes. They have discovered the Adirondacks and the Catskills for the first time. Become aware of nature and the possibilities. Rent a car or take your bike out of storage.

Ask yourself to reflect and be present

Ask yourself – why do you travel? Is it to escape, and if so, from what, from whom, from ourselves? If the answer is yes, we need to look into our lives and figure out why we aren’t able to find an adventure in our own backyard. Do we stay present? Do we notice what is around us? Are we paying enough attention to our surroundings? The bottom line is “wherever you go, here you are..” and it is up to us to make our life happen.

Create the possibilities

We both are travel addicts and we travel at least two times a year to exciting destinations. Remember that “small” and seemingly “not important” trips can become the highlight of the season. This summer, we went camping under the stars with our dog, which was a great experience. If not for the limitations of international travel, we would not have discovered this adventure.

There is a life out there if we want to create it, but possibly, it takes more effort to create magic.
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It’s true that we did skip restaurants and bars but we experimented with fine home cuisine and drinks outside, picnic style. There is a life out there if we want to create it, but possibly, it takes more effort to create magic.

The bottom line of traveling

We can remind ourselves that there’s plenty of opportunities to experience life, even though it feels restricted lately. There is power in finding gratitude for being alive. This will pass and we should all be checking in with ourselves moment-by-moment to make sure we are getting our needs met.

Your Turn: How will you remind yourself that there are still limitless possibilities for adventures amidst travel restrictions? Share what helps you cope in the comments below.

Oftentimes, couples avoid talking about the two subjects that are crucial to their wellbeing: money and sex.  It may come as a surprise to you that as a couples therapist, I actually hear more about instances around financial infidelity than affairs in the traditional sense. While the term financial infidelity may be relatively new, the concept itself is a notoriously common issue in relationships.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity happens when one or both partners aren’t honest about their financial situation or actively hide their financial issues. This may look like making financial decisions in secrecy or not being fully transparent about how much one is spending. For some couples this can also look like hiding income, not being forthcoming about debts and large financial obligations or keeping another bank account that’s unknown to their partner.

For some, spending money without their partner’s knowledge feels like freedom and one’s right. There are some partners who don’t see anything wrong with this behavior, and it doesn’t affect the couple negatively. Often however, this comes from a place of partners wanting to avoid arguments about spending. This is especially true in the case of someone who is compulsively shopping, gambling, or otherwise spending money in a way that feels out of control.

How to Recover from financial infidelity

These behavior patterns can be upsetting to face, so what are some steps that you can take if this sounds like you or your partner? First of all, recognize that it’s quite common that someone who is more frugal attracts someone who is a spender, and vice versa. It’s human nature to  seek out what initially feels novel and fills the voids we see in ourselves.

6 practical ways you can address financial infidelity in your relationship:

1. Acknowledge what’s been compromised
2. Be honest and come clean
3. Understand your value system
4. Examine your relationship
5. Listen without judgement
6. Strive for transparency

1. Acknowledge what’s been compromised

The partner who felt cheated is going to be upset, angry, and disappointed. Just like with an instance of true infidelity, partners may experience feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, and may even want to leave the relationship. Afterall, trust and safety were compromised. 

The unspoken message, “Are you here for me?” fails to be answered positively. The reasons why we wanted to be in the relationship in the first place are broken. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and that the relationship is now different from what you once knew.

2. Be honest and come clean

For some, this might be the first time that partners examine how much they want to be together, and ultimately if they want to stay together after the betrayal, similar to an affair. First, the partners have to honestly assess their financial situation and what needs to change. Both parties have to come clean. If you’re going to recover, it’s important to understand why the financial infidelity happened in the first place.

What was the motive for the behavior, and is the secretive partner willing to work on it? Was it a gambling issue that the partner is in denial about? If the offending partner displays a willingness to address the issue there’s a greater chance for successful resolution.

3. Understand your own value system around finances

What is your relationship to money and how was this influenced by your upbringing? What were the messages that you absorbed growing up about spending and how finances should be handled in relationships? Couples need to gain a clear understanding of their own values system and beliefs about finances. There is a very important psychological aspect as to why and how we spend money, and our relationship with money.

4. Examine your relationship

A critical underlying question is: what is “wrong” with the relationship itself, and what is missing in the relationship? Perhaps we are substituting the love that we need from the partner with purchases. Sometimes, the good feeling we get from spending may be one way to meet our needs that aren’t getting met in our relationship. One of my clients shared that she would spend money in secrecy after her fights with her husband. When upset, she wanted to get back at him by purchasing an expensive item. For a brief moment, she felt validated and “happy” because she  made the purchase. Through therapy she learned that by doing this she was in fact attempting to “punish” her husband. Although the shopping helped to temporarily validate her anger, it wasn’t a solution that she could feel good about long-term.

5. Listen without judgement

As difficult as it may be, allow room for open and vulnerable conversations. Be curious and listen to what your partner might need. Listen but do your best to refrain from responding with judgement. This will just cause your partner to become defensive about their behavior.

Talk about it and let your partner know why you think and feel the way you do, and how their behavior affects you. Couples I work with who have healthy and long-lasting relationships are the ones who can have open and vulnerable conversations where they feel heard, respected, and supported by each other.

6. Strive for transparency

Both partners have to commit to being fully transparent which includes being involved in budgeting and working towards a recovery plan. Open communication is the key to resolving many conflicts overall and financial issues are no different. It’s important to lay out a plan that is realistic for you as a couple and proportionate to the financial infidelity that occurred.

The bottom line

It is possible to recover from financial infidelity when both partners are willing to work together to find a solution that supports healing. What feels right for each couple will look different, and it’s important to remember that the road towards healing isn’t always a linear journey. You don’t have to struggle alone. Receiving support from a trusted therapist can help you understand if and how you can move forward after experiencing financial infidelity in your relationship.

Your Turn: Have you ever experienced or been the perpetrator of financial infidelity? How did you decide to work through it with your partner? What helped you cope? 

It’s sometimes easy to lose sight of the importance of your own self-care when you’re so focused on others. Now more than ever, with the continuation of social unrest, the ongoing pandemic, and working remotely, we’ve had to get creative with how we take care of ourselves. 

As a Psychologist, I struggle to be fully present for others if I’m running on empty myself. Here are several practical strategies for coping with anxiety that I use when I need to feel more grounded. 

My 7 Top Tips for Combating Anxiety:

1. Use Mantras to Root Myself in the Present
2. Remind Myself That is is Okay to Not Be Hyperproductive
3. Use Stillness as an Opportunity to Reset
4. Embrace My Own Vulnerability
5. Practice Gratitude and Recognize Abundance
6. Focus on Breathing and Muscle Relaxation
7. Demonstrate Small Acts of Kindness and Forgiveness

1. Use Mantras to Root Myself in the Present

I frequently find myself “time traveling”, which means stepping outside of the present moment and either replaying a past event in my mind or projecting some imagined future.

The only time that truly matters is now.

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Whenever we leave the present moment, we create problems for ourselves and others. The only time that truly matters is now. “Time traveling” with our thoughts is a potential rabbit hole, and diving headfirst into it won’t help boost your mood. Given the current uncertainty, it’s understandable that people catastrophize about what may lie ahead, because in this case we have very few answers—unfortunately, everyone is in the same boat.

How I cope: When I find myself “time traveling”, I remind myself that the only time that matters is this very moment. My favorite mantras that bring me back into the present are one-word statements such as “Release” and simply “Now”. A more developed mantra might be something like “Life starts now”, “Everything I need in this moment already exists within me”, and “Life flows in me, through me, and out into the universe in every moment.”

Everything I need in this moment already exists within me.

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Each of these mantras serves me during times of stress or when I’m feeling lost or lacking clarity. These mantras and affirmations have evolved and expanded over time as I’ve done my own self-development work. I share them with my therapy clients, and then I encourage them to sit with whatever resonates with them, evolving the mantra to fit their needs.

2. Remind Myself That it is Okay to Not Be Hyperproductive

In general, I’m a super-achiever. Working therapeutically with entrepreneurs and being a small business owner myself, I have to hold this in mind and be careful not to project this neurosis onto other people, including my clients and associates. During periods of stress, we all function and cope differently, so why would now be any different?

How I cope: I start with trying to be a bit more compassionate and forgiving toward myself. Unless I’m more attuned to myself in the present moment, I’m usually not even aware of the self-critical or judgemental thoughts that I sometimes tell myself. We truly can be our own worst enemies. When this happens, I tell myself to turn up the volume on my self-awareness of my inner dialogue.

What am I telling myself? What would I say to a friend or loved one who’s experiencing similar guilt over productivity? Would you tell your friend to do more than what they feel they can right now?

This is the time to set aside behaving like a super human and just take good care of myself.

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Of course not! In practicing this, I treat myself as I would a friend and challenge self-defeating thoughts, especially those that include “shoulds” and “musts.” This is the time to set aside behaving like a super human and just take good care of myself.

3. Use Stillness as an Opportunity to Reset

Like most people before this crisis, I was suffering from a fair degree of burnout. I’ve been craving a moment to pause and catch my breath, and I’ve used this time to give myself permission to be still and appreciate the natural ebb and flow of life. I’ve also been in awe with the stillness and peace that I’ve found within Mother Nature. In all places, there is a restorative opportunity to use stillness to reset and take care of ourselves.

How I cope: Instead of dwelling on the negative, I remind myself of some of the positive outcomes of this quarantine. I’ve allowed myself to have quality time virtually connecting with family and loved ones, to pick up a neglected hobby or forgotten projects, and to simply give myself time to put unfulfilling tasks on pause, and breathe a bit deeper.

4. Embrace My Own Vulnerability

I’ve had profound moments of clarity in acknowledging my own vulnerability. I’ve found myself reflecting on how precious life is and how vulnerable life can be. When we’re open and vulnerable with others, it gives us an opportunity to feel heard and cared for.

When we’re open and vulnerable with others, it gives us an opportunity to feel heard and cared for.

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How I cope: I’ve been speaking more candidly with my therapy clients. As a therapist who was taught to always be a perfectly neutral “blank” slate, this shift has been refreshing, and has taken the work to a different level. In my private life, I’ve been sharing feelings with trusted friends, family, and even my own therapist. If my clients ask, I’ve chosen to share some of my personal experiences with them as we all find our way through this time. Even therapists aren’t superhuman, and I like to acknowledge that, yes, sometimes things are hard, and maybe we’re not doing this perfectly, but we’re doing our best.

By being vulnerable, I give others permission to speak openly, be seen and held, and receive a deeper, more humane and authentic level of support. It’s not always easy to be vulnerable, but this radical shift has reminded me that authenticity and demonstrating the vulnerability of my own humanity is worth it.

5. Practice Gratitude and Recognize Abundance

I take a few moments at the start of each day to consider all I have to be grateful for. It’s a wonderful way not only to take stock of my life, but to practice mindfulness, reduce anxiety, and increase the overall quality of my life.

How I cope: In order to not feel so weighed down during periods of stress or uncertainty, I take time to identify what I’m grateful for. Simply reframing my perspective and acknowledging the good around me is critical to staying balanced when things are tough. It’s so easy to get sucked in a doom-and-gloom mindset, and it’s important to have tools ready to challenge that mentality.

6. Focus on Breathing and Muscle Relaxation

I know from my studies that controlled breathing exercises can do some pretty amazing things. They can drastically reduce stress hormones and lactic acid flowing in your body, lower your blood pressure and heart rate, nudge blood flow back into equilibrium, improve immune function, and increase feelings of wellbeing. Even with this knowledge, though, I often forget to put these exercises into practice.

How I cope: When I’m stressed, I focus on the sensations in my body. I notice how my body tenses and my breathing becomes shallow. And when I’m relaxed, I pay attention to how my breathing becomes deeper and more restorative.

We each have the power to move out of distress patterns more quickly if we harness the power of our breath.

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We each have the power to move out of distress patterns more quickly if we harness the power of our breath. By consciously moving my breathing from my chest to my abdomen, using the diaphragm, I move the nervous system into parasympathetic mode, giving myself a chance to just “relax.” Right before bed—or while I’m in bed—I tense up my body and relax it, and then find some visualization to help soothe me. This can be especially effective for people who are anxious and stressed.

7. Demonstrate Small Acts of Kindness and Forgiveness

Every act of kindness in the world counts, and this is a time when the world needs such gestures more than ever. We should do all we can to demonstrate kindness to those around us, and to be conscientious of people who are at risk and vulnerable.

How I cope: I’ve discovered that demonstrating forgiveness for myself and others opens up my life tremendously. You must forgive any mistakes you’ve made and any resentment you feel toward others. You cannot feel any sort of self-love as long as you have a constant flow of negative thoughts.

Love is an act of will and consciousness. It’s not passive; it’s an active decision to see the goodness in yourself, others, and the world despite all its dysfunction.

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Love is an act of will and consciousness. It’s not passive; it’s an active decision to see the goodness in yourself, others, and the world despite all its dysfunction. I often ask myself the simple question, “What can I do to positively impact someone else’s life today?” Within my practice, I place therapists at the center of the work, because they’re the source through which this vital energy flows. Expanding further, I’ve tried my best to give each and every employee my reassurance that they will not be in jeopardy, the company will do whatever it can to take care of them, they will be paid, and their health comes first. I know that in taking care of them, they’ll be able to take care of their clients and their work, and I trust that I’ll be taken care of in return.

The Bottom Line on Coping Tips for Anxiety

It’s so easy to get sucked in a doom-and-gloom mindset, and it’s important to have tools ready to challenge that mentality. The good news is that there are actionable steps you can take today to ground and soothe yourself. We each need to create our own recipes, but if you’re struggling, experiment with each of these techniques to see which ones fit.

Your Turn: What ways have you found to relax and cope with your anxiety? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.

While COVID rates in the United States seem to be decreasing, the global count continues to rise, and international travel remains difficult. While much of the media’s focus this spring and summer has been on COVID-19 infections and deaths, it’s important to remember that a secondary cost of the pandemic has been the impact of lockdowns and social isolation on mental health. These impacts often manifest in increased loneliness or feelings of homesickness, especially for those who live apart from their families, homeland and culture. 

How is homesickness different from loneliness?

While homesickness and loneliness can feel familiar, there are subtle differences in these emotional responses. Homesickness is a yearning for reconnection to a place or person that provides us with a sense of stability and comfort. While the feeling is often associated with a physical space or locale, it can also be related to a community or culture that is geographically dispersed. Loneliness, however, is a feeling of disconnect from those around us.

This distinction explains why someone might feel homesick when away from their family or childhood home, but why people are also capable of feeling lonely when around others or in their own homes. It’s important to remember that homesickness and loneliness are natural responses, and that significant life changes or transitions, such as those brought on by a pandemic, often cause instinctual feelings of disconnection.

While many families are learning to connect across digital platforms, people with families in different time zones may find it harder to coordinate virtual social gatherings.

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For immigrants, and people living outside their country of origin, feelings of loneliness and homesickness may be exacerbated—especially given current guidelines on global travel. Sometimes when we have family that live outside of the country, it can be difficult to feel connected to them. While many families are learning to connect across digital platforms, people with families in different time zones may find it harder to coordinate virtual social gatherings.

Zoom happy hours and morning FaceTime check-ins become more difficult when you’re navigating multiple time zones. I often recommend letter-writing and postcards as a way to connect with family outside of the U.S., explaining that these thoughtful activities can create a greater sense of bonding and often feels more intimate.

While apps like Zoom, WhatsApp, Skype, and Google Hangouts are most frequently used for live interactions, you can also send pre-recorded video or audio recordings to family and friends abroad. Recording a vlog or oral history of your day or week may feel more meaningful than a regular text or voicemail. Perhaps a nighttime recap or plans for the upcoming day can create a sense of inclusion if shared with loved ones.

Homesickness is a natural response that may be a signal to seek support

Homesickness for your country of origin or cultural heritage may be accompanied by feelings of disconnection from your current country of residence. This emotional response is also natural, and may manifest as feeling that we are not understood or seen by those around us. For this reason, it’s important to seek out communities, groups, or spaces where there is common ground, and opportunities for peer support.

While in-person interactions are still risky, many cultural clubs, local organizations, and support groups have taken their activities online. Connecting with communities and groups in your area does not mean you need to ignore or reject your feelings of homesickness. We do this not in an effort to dismiss the yearning for family in a different country, but to remind ourselves of the various connections we can make today.

Connecting with communities and groups in your area does not mean you need to ignore or reject your feelings of homesickness.

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The pandemic has forced many people to remain physically distant from friends and family, but it’s increasingly important to remember that safe and risk-mitigating opportunities for socialization still exist. The term “social distancing” is in many ways a misnomer, and some have misinterpreted the term to mean that all social connections should be severed. Of course most of us don’t actually want to do that, but the subconscious implications can often lead us in that direction. I prefer the term “physical distancing” given this practice may be a part of daily life for months and even years to come as reminders to stay connected to our support networks. 

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Find comfort by cultivating your own meaning of “home” 

Apps and technology that allow for social connection are crucial right now, but remember that connections to home can also be forged internally. Remind yourself of who your resources and support networks are, at times when you feel alone, or keeping a list that you can refer back to. Sometimes the simple reminder that a support network exists can be enough. 

We can often cultivate the energy of someone’s presence and the sense of “home” in the ways we make space for it in our immediate surroundings. If you’re struggling with feelings of homesickness or loneliness, meditate on the meaning of the word home, and consider what it means to you. Telling yourself, “I have everything I need inside me,” can be a helpful strategy when feelings of yearning are present.

We often forget that the feeling of “home” can be cultivated within ourselves. By making space for these feelings, we are welcoming all parts of ourselves into the present moment. That in itself can sometimes give us a sense of home or belonging, because it reminds us that when we welcome all parts of ourselves – even the discomfort of homesickness – that we are still whole, complex humans.

Your Turn: Have you or someone you love ever experienced homesickness? Share what helps you cope in the comments below.

Depression is a very real mental health disorder that can rob you of your joy, sense of worth, and purpose. As a therapist, I work with clients from all different walks of life who experience depression. Contrary to popular belief, even individuals who appear to “have it all” and are quite successful by society’s standards, aren’t necessarily immune to depression.

I provide guidance to help my clients get to the root of their depression, challenge negative belief systems, while learning strategies that improve how they cope with stress, sadness, and disappointment. As a result of our work together, my clients are able to lead healthier, happier lives where they feel more grounded and at ease. 

While therapy is wonderfully effective, I understand that many people don’t have access to the necessary treatment, and even for some who do, they may not be willing to take that step to seek help. 

The choice to seek professional help is just that, a choice, and a highly personal one at that.

If you’re not quite ready to speak to a professional regarding depression, you don’t need to suffer in silence. Believe it or not, reading can be a powerful tool in combating depression: The right books can not only help you learn coping techniques, but they can also help normalize your experience, helping to alleviate mental stress or pain. In fact, bibliotherapy, or the practice of using books as treatment for mental health concerns, has been implemented by doctors.

Below find 5 of my top books on combating depression (along with other struggles):

5 Self-Help Books for Depression

1. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.
2. The Mindful Way Through Depression – Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness.
3. The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time.
4.  I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.
5.  A Mind of Your Own: The Truth About Depression and How Women Can Heal Their Bodies to Reclaim Their Lives. 

1.  Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns

Feeling Good is written by David D. Burns, M.D., a psychiatrist with decades of clinical experience. The book has sold more than 4 million copies and holds the title of the “most prescribed self-help book” for people struggling with depression.

2. The Mindful Way Through Depression – Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness

By Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn

The Mindful Way Through Depression is a testament to mindfulness as a legitimate and effective treatment approach to mental disorders. Medication is an option, but learning to be in the moment is a powerful and often overlooked method of coping with life difficulties and reducing mental tension.

If you’re not quite ready to speak to a professional regarding depression, you don’t need to suffer in silence.
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3. The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time  

By Alex Korb, Ph.D.

Korb’s scientific approach to self-help empowers readers by arming them with concrete knowledge of how their brains work. He explains that depressed people are not broken—their brains are simply wired differently—and with the tools to reprogram our thinking we can make real change toward happiness, with or without medication.

4.  I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

By Terrance Real

With dozens of case studies on men and depression, this self-help book delves into the difference between male and female depression. Traditionally, men have been emotionally stifled by societal expectations of gender roles. Real’s book opens the floor for a deeper discussion on male mental health.

any5.  A Mind of Your Own: The Truth About Depression and How Women Can Heal Their Bodies to Reclaim Their Lives.

By Kelly Brogan, M.D., and Kristin Loberg

Brogan and Loberg take a feminist approach, arguing that women are often over-prescribed antidepressants. They recommend holistic efforts and a 30-day approach to healing issues such as depression, panic, grief, and more.

Additional Resources for Depression

Check out an additional reading list for more books that shine a light on depression here. Please keep in mind that these resources are not intended to serve as a replacement for treatment with a trained professional. If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis or suicidal thoughts, please contact 911 immediately or reach out to a crisis hotline that’s available 24/7. 

If you’re interested in exploring what therapy might look like with a psychotherapist who specializes in depression, fill out our Therapist Matching Questionnaire. Share your preferences and you’ll receive personalized therapist matches based on your desired criteria directly to your inbox within 72 hours. All of our therapists provide complimentary phone consultations. This gives you the chance to speak with the therapist, ask any questions, and see if it feels like a good fit before making a decision to start therapy. 

Your Turn: Did we miss a book? Let us know in the comments below if you have any recommendations to share. 

Our nation is in the throes of a powerful social movement—one that’s been determined, in fact, to be one of the largest in U.S. history.

With the recent and tragic deaths of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and other black Americans killed while going about their daily lives, the Black Lives Matter movement has been at the forefront of personal, corporate, and legislative conversations.

While the world grapples with issues of systemic injustice, it’s important to keep in mind how this unique form of trauma impacts the health of individuals who identify as BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and people of color).

Conversations around health disparities related to racism are entering the mainstream, in part because of the wildly disproportionate effects of COVID-19 that have been seen in racial and ethnic minority groups. It’s crucial that mental health is included in those conversations and, specifically, that people are taught to understand how race-based trauma impacts our immediate mental health, while also having greater, lasting health implications.

For example, we know that racism can profoundly impact our health. The stress of discrimination can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, and even premature mortality. 

We also know that black Americans and other minorities receive inferior healthcare compared to their white counterparts. Black mothers are three to four times more likely to die due to complications in childbirth than white mothers. Even tennis champion Serena Williams, who attempted to alert her doctors of pre-existing issues after giving birth, wasn’t immune from this life-threatening bias.

What Is Race-Based Trauma? 

When people hear the word “trauma,” they often think of one single, dramatic, life-changing event or moment in time. Race-based trauma occurs much more insidiously, on a systemic level, and is experienced through both micro and macroaggressions. 

Race-based trauma refers to people of color’s reactions to dangerous events and experiences of racial discrimination. These events can have such a pervasive impact on an individual because of the subtle and nefarious nature of insidious trauma. 

The impact of race-based trauma can alter an individual’s perception of the world, their sense of self, and the nature of their relationships.

What Are Microaggressions? 

A microaggression is a subtle stab, often with language, that stems from a long history of oppression. It sends a hostile or negative message, and although these messages may appear harmless to outsiders (in fact, perpetrators may themselves be unaware of the biases reflected in such statements), they’re considered covert forms of discrimination. 

Microaggressions are sometimes so insidious that it’s possible that an individual experiencing them may not fully realize how internalizing them is negatively affecting their wellbeing.

One example of a microaggression would be a black woman being told in a surprised tone, “You’re so articulate.” On the surface, it seems the speaker is being complimentary, but the covert assumption is that as a black woman, you’re not supposed to be as intelligent or well-spoken as a white person. The speaker is inferring that they believed you to be one way and is surprised their assumption is untrue, simply based on the color of your skin. 

Worse yet, if the person perpetrating the microaggression is well-intentioned, as in the case of a friend or colleague, they may be shocked or confused if confronted on why these types of comments are damaging. Such conversations sometimes lead to the perpetrator unintentionally gaslighting the person of color: The burden of the interaction is redirected to the person of color, who further internalized that stress and trauma.

The world of dating provides another example of how insidious and subtle systemic racism can be.

Some of my BIPOC female clients tend to struggle with issues surrounding appearance and desirability, which is only amplified when dating. They begin to question their attractiveness compared to what are considered conventional white-European or otherwise Westernized standards of beauty. In our sessions, I help my clients explore their early experiences and where these feelings originated. 

From a young age, most people of color see that people in positions of power as well as ideal images of beauty look differently than they do. It’s no surprise, then, that feelings of inadequacy or self-esteem may arise as a result. Essentially, people of color have to grow up in a society that values things they don’t have.

What Are Macroaggressions?

Unlike microaggressions, which are more subtle or ambiguous, macroaggressions refer to overt forms of racial discimination such as verbal abuse, racials slurs, or hate crimes. In today’s world, macroaggressions are typically considered less socially acceptable, and for this reason may occur less frequently than microaggressions.

What Does Race-Based Trauma Look Like?

Race-based trauma can exhibit itself in many different forms. Here are some of the psychological symptoms commonly seen in individuals experiencing race-based trauma: 

Hypervigilance: Feeling on edge, distrustful, or the need to protect yourself when interacting with the world around you because there’s always a potential threat, whether it’s more subtle discrimination or outright violence.

Depression and Helplessness: Loss of hope in our elected officials, leaders, or community to effectively help and protect us. Trying to understand what this means for our own children or future generations and fearing that we may not be able to protect them.

Anger: Feelings of anger, rage, or sadness at the unchallenged system, community, and elected leaders who allow people of color to continue to be mistreated and killed. Also, anger that it’s taken so long for these issues to be brought to the forefront of conversations in the daily lives of others, when it’s been affecting people of color for generations.

Monitoring Your Authentic Self: We may begin to take great measures to change our behavior and stifle our emotions, or even valid reactions, in order to avoid being perceived as a negative stereotype.

Questioning Your Reality: Self-doubt and questioning one’s lived experience. It’s not uncommon to wonder, “Are the microaggressions or injustices I experience really that bad if they’re allowed to continue without anyone batting an eyelash? Am I just overreacting?”

6 Ways to Cope with Race-Based Trauma

It’s painstaking to learn how to thrive in a world that you’re told and shown is not made for you. The psychic energy required to maintain this level of hypervigilance merely to exist in this world as a person of color is physically exhausting. 

1. Gain Critical Consciousness
2. Flip the Narrative to Highlight Resilience
3. Develop Mindfulness and Objectivity
4. Take Social Action for Empowerment
5. Release Emotional Energy With Compassion
   
6. Radical Self-Care as a Method of Resistance

1. Start by Gaining Critical Consciousness.

Critical consciousness—the ability to identify and question systems of inequality—is one of the guiding principles of social justice teaching. By gaining an in-depth understanding of our social and historical experiences, we can begin to take action against oppression.

Put it into practice: In order to begin increasing our awareness to the power structures in our society, we can deconstruct racism by asking ourselves several questions:

1. Why does racism/inequality exist? 
2. Who is benefitting from this oppressive system?
3. How does it favor this group?
4. What allows this type of system to continue to thrive? 

2. Flip the Narrative to Highlight Resilience.

So often, the victors get to claim the narrative (Christopher Columbus, anyone?). This time, let’s flip the switch. Focus your attention not on your deficits but instead on your intrinsic value and strengths. Reject the negative story that’s being told to you that you’re somehow not adequate, and instead choose to highlight your resilience. You can do this by identifying the achievements and character strengths you’ve developed in spite of a system that is not built to help you thrive. 

Put it into practice: Ask yourself:

1. What have you accomplished despite all odds? 
2. What are your values that you’ve managed to uphold in the face of adversity?
3. What do you bring to the table, and with your unique position, can you help other people navigate these obstacles?

For every one person who does outwardly praise you on your strengths or accomplishments, there’s another five people who likely took note but never spoke up.

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The truth is that you may not feel 100% sure about yourself all of the time, and that’s okay, that’s also part of being human. What’s important to remember, however, as a person of color is that for every one person who does outwardly praise you on your strengths or accomplishments, there’s another five people who likely took note but never spoke up. 

Consider the uncomfortable task of standing up for yourself during an awkward or difficult interaction with a colleague during a work meeting. This may not seem to affect anyone but you on the surface, but this action can have a powerful ripple effect on observers. You never know who’s learning from your behavior and who you will positively impact. 

3. Develop Mindfulness and Objectivity.

Resist internalizing the micro- and macroaggressions you face. This, understandably, is incredibly difficult, and it’s usually more effective if done after working through the initial steps outlined above. A technique I like to use with my clients is imagining that you’re sitting on a riverbank watching your thoughts pass by as fish swimming downstream. 

This doesn’t mean giving the people or institutions who’ve wronged you a free pass; it means gaining distance from the situation by resisting internalizing the negativity. Being able to gain a bit of distance and objectivity when viewing our experiences helps decrease our emotional reactivity, which in and of itself is freeing. 

Put it into practice: Let’s take a negative interaction with a coworker or colleague as an example. By acknowledging that my coworker (who may or may not be knowingly racist) is a product of our flawed system, and that her insensitive comments aren’t a reflection of me or my worth—but, rather, her own limitations, upbringing, and blind spots—I can prevent myself from internalizing her hurtful comments and, therefore, feeling negatively about myself. 

I want to be clear that I’m not saying she doesn’t need to be held accountable for racist behavior, whether ignorant or malicious in intent. In fact, quite the opposite is true. The point of this exercise is to help you understand her behavior in a way that helps you distance yourself from it emotionally, which allows you to be freer with your energy. In this scenario, the perpetrator still has the option to learn, but the burden of that education is no longer placed on the person of color.

4. Take Social Action for Empowerment.

Find and join a local social justice group, either online or in person. It may initially feel like the first day of school, and it could take a couple of meetings or interactions to get to know others, and that’s okay. There’s strength and power in numbers. Get and stay connected to others who are just as passionate about social justice and putting their words to power. 

Put it into practice: Explore various racial equity groups in your area. Find ways to engage in advocacy, share testimony, or provide education on a topic you feel strongly about. Remember to stay safe if protesting in public, and use protective measures such as wearing a mask, maintaining distance when possible, and using hand sanitizer frequently.

“We inadvertently burden ourselves with unnecessary emotional labor when we assume malicious intent in others.”

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5. Extend Compassion to Yourself and Others by Releasing Emotional Energy.

Be gentle and patient with yourself. We didn’t choose our socialization or conditioning, yet we were all born into a society that sets us up with systems of privilege and oppression. Because of this, we’re all collectively grappling with our individual racial identities, some for the very first time. 

Extending compassion to others isn’t the same as excusing or condoning terrible behavior. By extending compassion to others, we in turn extend compassion to ourselves. We inadvertently burden ourselves with unnecessary emotional labor when we assume malicious intent in others.

This can be an especially challenging exercise, though, and one that puts undue emotional labor on people of color. It may not be the right exercise for everyone. But for those who are able and willing to put in the work, the benefits can make it deeply worthwhile.

A good way to think about this exercise is with a “both–and” approach. For instance, you can acknowledge that you and the other person—as a non-BIPOC individual—are socialized in a way that one or both of you may not completely understand the things that upset, anger, and harm you. While extending compassion to the other person and realizing that they’re working on their progress, you can still safeguard yourself. 

You can step back in ways that protect your mental and physical health while also believing in their growth.

 Put it into practice: Acknowledge that nobody is perfect, including ourselves. This permission to be human, flawed, and at whatever stage of awakening in our racial identity, can help us stay sane by reducing stress levels and decreasing negative emotional energy. I often tell my clients that they can think of self-compassion by imagining they’re running a marathon.

You can run the entire marathon thinking self-defeating thoughts such as, “I’m slow, I’m in pain, I hate this, when will this be over?” Or you can be your own cheerleader when things feel tough, highlight the reasons to be grateful (“I get to run—my body is healthy and able” vs. “I have to run—this is hard and painful”), and find joy in the journey. Either way, you’re going to finish the marathon, but the attitude you choose to endure during the race is entirely up to you. 

6. Radical Self-Care as a Method of Resistance.

When we think of self-care, we often think of taking a day off from work to do something fun or pamper ourselves. But self-care can be much simpler and more straightforward. Find what brings you joy and what nurtures you, and reach for it in times of need. Do you love listening to music from the early ’90s? Getting some fresh air in nature after being in a cramped apartment all day? Being creative? Talking to friends, or talking to no one, if that’s what you need? 

Put it into practice: Make note of what nurtures your soul and consciously pull out these tools any time you need a mental break or require an emotional shift. Remember, you don’t have to have to shell out for a full-service spa day just to take care of yourself. For some of us, when we’re feeling particularly out of sorts, it can be as simple as making sure we’re sticking to a regular sleep and meal schedule that helps us get back to feeling a bit more human.

Practicing self-care is a way to de-stress, which combats some of the worst consequences of racism. After all, living as a minority within a system that wasn’t created for your survival is in itself an act of resistance. We need to nurture and care for ourselves as we do it.

By extending compassion to others, we in turn extend compassion to ourselves.

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Feeling Outrage Over the Lack of Outrage

Many of us may have for the first time experienced an outpouring of support as Black Lives Matter gained traction around the world this summer. For some of us, this may have been a frustrating or even angering experience. Suddenly, white colleagues, friends, and community are reaching out to check in on me and are apparently going through their own “journey” of uncovering their white privilege. Why now? Where was this outrage when this happened to Eric Gardner, Sandra Bland, or Treyvon Martin? What about Ferguson?

It’s normal to feel frustrated that the world has been asleep at the wheel while we’ve been suffering. And it’s infuriating to know that I will always have to work more than other people at this. However, something that helps me is finding this balance between acceptance and extending compassion. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel frustrated that it took so long for people’s eyes to finally be opened. My negative emotions are still real, and they deserve their own space. Working consciously to approach my own journey and that of others with compassion just helps to make this difficult process a little bit easier. 

At the end of the day, I want to make sure I welcome those who join us in this long fight with open arms, even if they are a bit late to the party. 

Your Turn: How have you been combatting the effects of race-based trauma and stress? I’d love to know what’s been helpful and healing for you, so feel free to share in the comments below.

Many of the tips outlined in this article require patience, as well as continuous practice and growth. Working with an affirming therapist can be helpful in this journey, along with tapping into any other loving support systems you may have.

What is generalized anxiety? First and foremost, it’s important to understand that it’s completely normal to experience occasional anxiety. From public speaking to test-taking, we all have different things that make us worry and anxious. Anxiety becomes an issue when it begins to interfere with your daily life in an excessive and irrational way.

Generalized Anxiety is a real disorder, just like any physical one, and it’s very common in the United States. Typically, those dealing with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) experience persistent, excessive, and what seems like uncontrollable anxiety. If you think you may suffer from Generalized Anxiety, ask yourself: “Is my anxiety interfering with daily activities?”

Anxiety is treatable, and there are exercises that can help you manage and reduce some of its symptoms. Here are a few tips to help you get started:

How to Cope With Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety

Tip 1. Breathing Exercises
Tip 2. Break the Cycle
Tip 3. Psychotherapy and Medication

Tip 1. Breathing Exercises

A great way to cope with all forms of anxiety is with mindfulness exercises. Mindful breathing in particular has shown positive results. And it’s just as straightforward as it sounds.

When you begin experiencing anxious feelings or thoughts, take a moment to find a calm place where you can sit. Close your eyes and take deep, long breaths, focusing only on the breath. Feel it rise and fall in your chest or abdomen, or pay attention to how the air feels as it passes through your nostrils or lips.

Whenever you feel your mind begin to wander or thoughts rush in, return to the breath. You can even do this when you’re not feeling anxious. It can be done at any time: after waking up, before going to bed, or even on the subway. Although this may seem simple, it can often be a challenging exercise because of the focus it requires, but with practice it can be a very rewarding experience. Many therapists use this technique and even have training in mindfulness-based therapy (which includes more than breathing).

While psychotherapy alone can often reduce anxiety, the combination of psychotherapy and medication helps many of those suffering from anxiety.

Tip 2. Break the Cycle

Anxiety is often a result of a maladaptive pattern of behaviors or thoughts. People usually describe the feeling as a downward spiral—once they begin feeling anxious, there’s no turning back. But it’s possible to break this cycle. When anxiety hits, prevent it from getting worse by taking a walk and getting some air, doing a breathing exercise, working out, or doing anything that helps you destress.

Tip 3. Psychotherapy and Medication

The exercises mentioned above have shown to have a significant, positive impact on anxiety. And while psychotherapy alone can often reduce anxiety, the combination of psychotherapy and medication (usually prescribed by a psychiatrist) helps many of those suffering from anxiety.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is one type of therapy that’s frequently used to treat anxiety, which is a relatively short-term therapy. If you feel that therapy is not enough, consider talking to your therapist about the possibility of medication. Psychotherapists often have referrals to local psychiatrists, which can take some of the burden off of the client to find a psychiatrist on their own.

Your Turn: Do you experience unpleasant symptoms related to generalized anxiety? What coping methods have you found success with? Share what’s worked for you in the comments below.

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.

You may not be surprised by the following statistic: Approximately 40 million adults in the US suffer from an anxiety disorder, making it the country’s most common mental illness. (And that figure predates the pandemic.)

Here’s a less predictable number: Even though anxiety disorders are highly treatable, only about a third of sufferers get the right kind of help.

Some simple mindfulness exercises can be extremely effective in quelling anxiety when it rises.

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If you’re one of those aforementioned 40 million, getting help doesn’t have to be difficult. In addition to seeking therapy, some simple mindfulness exercises can be extremely effective in quelling anxiety when it rises.

Think of the following as your very own set of tools. When you’re feeling anxious, you can use mindfulness as part of a coping strategy to combat this debilitating disorder. Here’s how it works.

What Is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness has its roots in meditation and Buddhist philosophy and often involves trying to enter into a different level of consciousness. The aim of this practice is to get into a deep state of relaxation or restful alertness.

The benefit of reaching such a state is that it helps you become more aware of the present moment. In a sense, you might want to think of it as one step on the road to meditation. It can help to reduce worry, but it still allows you to be aware without being fearful.

(It’s important to note here that spirituality is not a requirement of mindfulness. It’s not part of any organized religion, nor is it a religion in itself.)

Many people across all different backgrounds incorporate mindfulness into their daily routines. In the UK, it’s even prescribed by public health professionals in the UK as an alternative to anti-anxiety medication.

Mindfulness for Anxiety

Anxiety can be triggered by all sorts of circumstances: finances, relationships, family, career changes, moving, or even a global pandemic that alters the day-to-day normalities of life as we know it.

Regardless of origin, mindfulness is a great tool for managing and relieving whatever anxiety you may experience.

As mentioned above, one of the goals of mindfulness is to bring yourself fully into the present. In practicing mindfulness for anxiety, you’ll be aware of where you are and what you’re doing, but not be overly reactive to or overwhelmed by the things going on around you.

By drawing yourself into the present moment you will end up expending less energy thinking about things that are beyond your control.

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Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) is a specific kind of mindfulness practice that’s often used for anxiety relief. Its goal is simply to address the stresses of everyday life.

MBSR has been shown to improve both mental and physical health. The eight-week program teaches mindfulness practices that help you bring what the program refers to as “kind awareness and acknowledgment” to any anxious feelings or thoughts and simply allow them to be.

The reasoning behind the technique is that by allowing those unpleasant feelings or thoughts to exist, rather than fighting them, you stop feeding them energy, which in turn allows them to move through you and drift away.

Am I Doing it Right?

When you first start practicing mindfulness, it’s natural to wonder if you’re doing it correctly. The short and beautiful answer to that question is: As long as you’re trying, you’re doing it right.

As with meditation, it’s normal for your mind to sometimes wander during a mindfulness session (often to the very things that are causing you anxiety in the first place), and for you to find yourself pulled out of the moment—even longtime practitioners have days like this. When that happens, just refocus your attention and continue.

To begin, simply lie or sit still, get comfortable, and try some of the following exercises.

• Focus on sensory experiences. How do the clothes you’re wearing feel against your body? What sounds can you hear immediately around you, and in the distance? Can you smell anything? What do you taste?
• Experiment with practicing mindfulness both with your eyes open and closed, and see how each state changes your perception.
• If you’re at home, try lighting a candle or playing some soothing music to help get you in a self-care frame of mind.

By drawing yourself into the present moment, you’ll expend less energy thinking about things beyond your control.

Practicing mindfulness for anxiety won’t eliminate anxiety from your life. But it will help you to separate what’s real from what’s merely a product of unnecessary worry.

Mindfulness Classes

One of the best things about mindfulness is that you can use it to help you cope almost anywhere.

You could take a coffee break at work and embark on a mindfulness exercise to help you relax. You could use it to start your day before you get out of bed, or end it as you drift to sleep. You could even practice mindfulness on your morning commute (best to keep your eyes open for that one).

A great way to learn more about mindfulness for anxiety is to join a class or series of group sessions, which can have several advantages.

One of the best things about mindfulness is that you can use it to help you cope almost anywhere.

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You may find that others in a group come from different backgrounds and are of varying ages, but you’ll all share similar goals in wanting to learn more about mindfulness.

It can be empowering to see how others are affected by anxiety, because it enables you to see that you’re not alone in your experience.

Group sessions can also help you get over the “Am I doing this right?” question. And you can bounce any concerns you may have off the person leading the class, or even other participants.

Two Simple Mindfulness Exercises to Get Your Started

If you want to start experimenting with mindfulness right away, you can. Right now. In this moment. Here are two of our favorite exercises.

1. Three-Minute Breathing Space

This is one of the most popular exercises used in MBSR classes. As the name implies, all it requires is three minutes of your time, focused mostly on the breath. It works like this:

Minute 1: Close your eyes (not required, but helpful), and for a full minute try to focus only on the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing, without judgment or attempting to change anything. What are you anxious about? How does your body feel? Just sit and listen.

Minute 2: Narrow your attention to just your breath, focusing first on one part of your body where you feel its movement the most—that may be your chest, your belly, between your lips, or the tip of your nostrils. Stay with your breath as it rises and falls.

Minute 3: Expand your focus again to your entire body and try to notice any sensations you may have in the moment, simply witnessing them.

This exercise may be straightforward, but it’s powerful. It can help you break the loop of negative thought patterns, become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, and focus your attention more openly, all of which you can carry into the rest of your life.

2. Body Scan 

This exercise builds off of the third step of the Three-Minute Breathing Space, focusing your attention solely on the sensations throughout your body.

Rather than observing your body as a whole, though, the Body Scan works as the name implies, by scanning different areas of your body, one by one. 

Start by focusing on the very top of your head. What do you feel there? Is it hot? Cold? Tense? If you don’t notice any particular feeling, just say to yourself, “no sensation.”

Repeat this process as you work down your body, to your face and temples, your neck and shoulders, your torso, arms, legs, and all the way to the tips of your toes.

Take as much or as little time as you’d like.

If you’d like some more exercises, we’ve written a lot about relaxation techniques, decluttering the mind, coping with coronavirus stress, and using mindfulness to return to a place of joy, so check those out.

Being Kind to Yourself

If you take only one lesson away from this article, let it be this: Be kind to yourself. Be as generous with yourself as you are with others, especially when it comes to your time.

Most of us lead busy lives, and it’s easy to let all of your time be absorbed by the rhythym of the day. But taking just a few minutes to breath, focus on your body, and remind yourself of what’s right in front of you can bring more peace and joy into your life.

Wanting things to go back to “normal,” also known as “the way things used to be,” is one of humankind’s most basic and universal tendencies. There’s comfort in the familiar, especially when you’re looking backwards. But by learning to embrace change, you can bring much more joy into your life.

I see proof of this desire to return to the past on a near-daily basis. Often, I’ll hear my clients remark at the beginning of our first session together, “I want to feel the way I used to feel,” or, “I want to get that spark back from when my partner and I first met.”

By learning to embrace change, you can bring much more joy into your life.

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While these feelings are valid and understandable, they don’t always serve us. In the words of analytical psychologist Carl Jung, “Life has always to be tackled anew.”

It’s a beautiful reality, when you consider it: Everything in the universe is in constant motion, expanding exponentially, and our psyches are no exception. Trying to recreate an idealized point in your past not only summons feelings of frustration and insatiable nostalgia, it also ignores the fact that you’ve evolved since that time in your life. You’re a different person than you were before—whether it be last year, last month, or yesterday.

Trying to return to a moment or feeling from the past simply isn’t possible as the person you are now, since you would experience even identical circumstances differently.

In each moment lies an opportunity to reinvent ourselves.

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This may sound discouraging, but it’s an empowering concept if you can accept it, because it means that in each moment lies an opportunity to reinvent ourselves. We know that from one day to the next our world may change greatly, for better or worse; yet we, too, are always adapting, shifting, and evolving with the flow of the universe. Nothing is static. In nature, organisms that do not successfully adapt to a changing environment atrophy and die.

Life as we knew it was flipped upside-down by the coronavirus pandemic, and it may be awhile before things return to “normal.” Most of us know on some level that this will be a “new normal” that will look a bit different than before.

Life always has to be tackled anew.

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Just as we cannot recreate the past as our current selves, so our societies cannot function precisely as they did before this global upheaval. Sure, things will feel strange as we adapt to a new way of living. For many, the path of change is paved with mourning and grief of lost loved ones.

But perhaps some may be able look back at times during quarantine with some degree of nostalgia. For many of us, it was a forced but in ways welcome pause from the daily grind as we finally got to turn inwards and take time for ourselves and our families.

As we continue to make sense of the new world ahead, we should remember lessons from the pandemic—one of which is that the only constant in life is change, and therefore something to be embraced.

Your Turn: Let us know how you have worked to embrace change in your life in the comments below.

“I never thought this would happen to me.” 

“I always thought things like this only happened on TV.”   

“Why me?”

If you’ve experienced a traumatic event, you might find yourself saying similar things.

The stages of trauma look different for everyone, but understanding the similarities can help you heal.

What is Trauma?

Trauma occurs when an abnormal event overwhelms one’s ability to cope. It shocks, confuses, and can leave you in a fog. It can bring on feelings of intense anxiety, helplessness, and may even cause you to question your sense of reality.

The trauma response can be difficult to understand. It can also alter our daily lives which can lead us to feel disconnected from ourselves and others.

A traumatic event includes witnessing or being in an accident, experiencing sexual assault, or abuse. It can also result from experiencing combat and natural disasters. But, a traumatic event doesn’t need to fall within these categories to bring on a trauma response. For example, medical trauma and religious trauma are also unique forms of trauma that include wide range of personal experiences. Like with any trauma, each person’s personal experience may look and feel quite different.

In some individuals, untreated or unaddressed trauma can lead to mental health concerns including Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD).

Ready to understand what you’re experiencing? Read on to understand the stages of trauma.

Trauma doesn’t discriminate and is a human experience.

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The Stages of Trauma and Healing

We hear a lot about trauma these days. The news is full of traumatic experiences.

Trauma doesn’t discriminate and is a human experience. After you experience trauma it’s not uncommon to feel shame, guilt, or negative effects to your self-esteem.

But, do we actually understand the effects of trauma?

By understanding the stages of trauma, you’ll know what to expect and may feel more in control of what you’re experiencing. Explore the following stages to gain insight and awareness on your recovery path towards healing.

1. Stabilization and Safety

Following the traumatic event, you may find yourself withdrawing from others. This withdrawal process is normal and is a survival mechanism. During this time, you may feel anger, guilt, fear, and denial.

Other emotions may also surface unique to the event and based on who you are as an individual. It’s normal to feel unsafe in your own body, relationships, and in the world. This phase can last for weeks, months, or even years. Especially if the trauma is not processed, understood, and supported during therapy.

A therapist will begin to help you understand your emotions during the stabilization and safety stages. They will work with you to identify areas of your life where safety and stabilization need to be addressed.

To recover, you will learn how to first regulate difficult emotions by learning new coping skills. Therapists will understand if the trauma is too overwhelming for you to discuss.

In this case, the therapist may teach you how to use mindfulness, yoga, and deep breathing to soothe yourself. Cultivating new routines should also be a part of this recovery stage.

The key is to find space where you can review the trauma but not relive it.

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2. Mourning and Remembrance

During this stage, you’ll begin to create your own answers to the question, “What does this all mean?”

This stage in the recovery process is all about processing and making meaning of the trauma. The key is to find space where you can review the trauma but not relive it. You can go through this phase at your own pace. If you’re working with a therapist, then they will continue to make safety and stabilization a priority.