Living in a neurotypical world can be challenging for individuals with ADHD. The expectations, social implicit rules, and tasks often don’t align with the unique functioning of a neurodivergent brain. However, being neurodivergent doesn’t equal inferior. In this blog, we’ll explore the ADHD experience and discuss strategies, treatments, and therapies that can help individuals with ADHD navigate their difficulties and improve their quality of life.

Rewiring Perspectives: Empowering Neurodivergence in a Neurotypical World

Throughout my experience working with people that suffer from ADHD I often witness a very interesting evolution. The range of individual experiences can be vast. Individuals often share an initial intense frustration with symptoms and even ambivalence towards seeking help.

For many with ADHD, motivation can be a primary concern. There’s typically a disconnect between what people know they should do vs what they actually want to do. Does this sound familiar to you at all?

For many with ADHD, motivation can be a primary concern.

However, as we work together on changing how one approaches symptoms, you’ll be able to develop a more nuanced understanding of yourself. As a result, many people I work with share that they experience less frustration and a better appreciation of their contribution to the world. Additionally, they often report that they’re able to better manage difficulties that arise and speak less critically to themselves, simultaneously improving their self-esteem.

For the last 20 years, I have really enjoyed acting as a guide in this process for individuals who are struggling with managing ADHD. My wish is to help you find balance and harmony in your life, whatever that may look like.

What is it like being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world?

For a neurotypical individual, grasping the lived experience of someone with ADHD may be difficult. It’s important to recognize that everyone’s experience with ADHD is different, and my purpose here is to shed light on the pain points and complexities that individuals with ADHD may face in their daily lives.

The below illustrations aim to portray some of the unique challenges individuals with ADHD may encounter, including general experiences I’ve witnessed in my own clinical work:

The ADHD Experience: Understanding the Unique Challenges of ADHD in Various Life Areas

1. Sarah, a college student:
Sarah struggles with time perception. Despite setting multiple alarms and reminders, she consistently underestimates the time needed to complete assignments. She finds herself frequently rushing to finish projects at the last minute, affecting the quality of her work and causing heightened stress.

2. Alex, a professional in a fast-paced job:
Alex experiences difficulties with task switching and maintaining focus in a fast-paced work environment. Despite being highly knowledgeable and capable, their struggle to stay on track during meetings and prioritize tasks hinders their ability to perform at their full potential, leading to missed opportunities and feelings of frustration.

3. Maria, a parent with ADHD:
Maria faces challenges with organization and time management while juggling multiple responsibilities. She often forgets important dates, such as parent-teacher meetings and doctor’s appointments for her children. Balancing work, household tasks, and parenting becomes overwhelming, impacting her overall well-being and causing heightened stress.

4. Michael, a teenager with ADHD:
Michael encounters social challenges. He frequently misreads social cues and struggles to maintain appropriate social interactions. He often interrupts others unintentionally or struggles to gauge when it’s his turn to speak. This leads to misunderstandings and difficulties forming and maintaining friendships, leaving Michael feeling socially isolated and misunderstood.

5. Jade, a professional writer:
Jade grapples with the inability to harness hyperfocus effectively. While her intense focus on writing can be an asset, she often becomes so engrossed in her work that she loses track of time and neglects other important responsibilities. This inconsistency leads to a lack of balance in her life, impacting personal relationships and overall well-being.

Many people may be able to identify with certain aspects of the above case studies. It’s important to recognize that experiencing occasional difficulties with concentration can be influenced by various factors such as stress, fatigue, or distractions. However, in ADHD, symptoms persist over an extended period of time and are often accompanied by impairments in academic or occupational performance, relationships, and overall quality of life.

If you do find that these difficulties with concentration are consistently affecting your ability to function and thrive in various areas of your life, it may be helpful to consult with a qualified professional for ADHD testing. They’lll consider various factors like personal history, symptom severity, and the impact on daily functioning before making a diagnosis.

How to Accept and Understand an ADHD Diagnosis

Upon receiving an ADHD diagnosis, it’s important to prioritize self-understanding over self-criticism. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation but rather understanding that your unique brain is functioning and finding ways to navigate your challenges differently. Acceptance allows you to better understand your unique experiences, challenges, and strengths, providing a framework for self-awareness and making sense of your behaviors and thought patterns.

Better understanding the characteristics of an ADHD diagnosis can empower you to seek appropriate support. This includes strategies for managing ADHD-related symptoms, and accessing specialized treatment with the help of professionals who understand the nuances of this condition. Ultimately, by learning more about ADHD and exploring effective strategies, individuals with ADHD can better facilitate their lives and improve their overall well-being.

If you’re struggling with acceptance or self-doubt, know that you’re not alone. In my previous post, Coping with ADHD as an Adult and How Therapy can Help, we dive into the various ways therapy can nurture and support you in this process.

Functional Impairment and its Effects

ADHD can impact various areas of a person’s life, including social, employment, financial, and educational domains. The level of impairment varies among individuals, but it can significantly influence self-image and mood. Frustration and feelings of incapability may arise when simple tasks become challenging or career opportunities are missed due to prolonged and tedious processes. This chain of effects can ultimately result in low self-esteem and dissatisfaction with life.

Acceptance allows you to better understand your unique experiences, challenges, and strengths, providing a framework for self-awareness and making sense of your behaviors and thought patterns.

How to Manage ADHD Symptoms

However, the negative effects of ADHD can be addressed through changing one’s perspective and seeking evidence-based treatments. While psychopharmacology (medication) is widely used in ADHD treatment, it may not be suitable for everyone. Additionally, it primarily addresses symptoms without providing coping skills or emotional support.

An alternative to medication is neurofeedback, a therapeutic technique that modulates brain function to alleviate symptoms effectively. Neurofeedback has shown comparable effectiveness to medication and surpasses cognitive behavioral therapy in treating ADHD core symptoms. Moreover, coaching, which follows a cognitive-behavioral approach, can help individuals improve their lives through the development of routines, self-awareness, and coping strategies tailored to the individual’s unique situation.

The Role of Psychotherapy in ADHD Treatment

Psychotherapy plays a crucial role in ADHD treatment, providing emotional support and addressing every aspect of the individual. By exploring the effects of ADHD on identity, identifying strengths, and improving self-perception, individuals can reduce emotional intensity, improve anxiety management, and regain control over their lives. Psychotherapy also aids in organizing time, processing past and current stressors, and ultimately leading a more fulfilling life.

My wish is to help you uncover your strengths and become a more active participant of your life’s goals, leading to a sense of empowerment and improved self-understanding.

Constant Evolution and Self-Awareness

As human beings,we evolve and our mental health and ADHD symptoms can change over time. Factors such as aging and external influences contribute to these changes. It is crucial to maintain self-awareness and adapt to our evolving needs by making necessary adjustments in treatment approaches. Taking perspective and avoiding focusing only on our difficulties can help us embrace our unique functioning and emphasize its advantages, leading to contentment, serenity, and pride in who we are.

A Therapeutic Toolbox: Unlocking the Secrets to an Empowered ADHD Life

Living with ADHD in a neurotypical world can present challenges, but with the right approach and understanding, individuals with ADHD also thrive. By prioritizing self-understanding, exploring evidence-based treatments, and engaging in psychotherapy, individuals can significantly improve their quality of life. Remember, accepting your neurodivergent characteristics can empower you to embrace your uniqueness and lead a fulfilling life.

Learn more about ADHD testing services at Clarity, or book a complimentary consultation to speak with a professional to explore which treatment options are right for you.

What does a Harm Reduction Model Do?

The harm reduction model helped medical and mental health professionals incorporate the reality that drugs are available and being used despite laws and guidelines trying to control their spread and ingestion. Harm reduction also highlights and respects an individual’s autonomy, which is something that everyone deserves when receiving care. Harm reduction approaches are now used to promote safer sex, reduce the transmission of viruses through intravenous drug use, and decrease the number of drug (especially opioid) overdoses. 

Emerging Evidence Related to an Increase in Psychedelic Use and Psychotherapy

Unlike substances such as heroin, cocaine, and alcohol – that facilitate the numbing out and avoidance of painful feelings and memories – psychedelics appear to be being used more than ever by individuals to confront and overcome the uncomfortable and challenging aspects of their experience. An ever-growing body of academic research is consistently showing that psychedelics and non-ordinary states of consciousness can support the reduction of symptoms associated with common mental health disorders, as well as the existential distress that may be part of being human. 

What is the Research on Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy?

Psychedelic-assisted therapy that is done in research settings, or with regulated substances such as ketamine, is legal and rigorously controlled. However, we know that people also use psychedelics in other settings such as spiritual or religious ceremonies, or even in more casual settings, such as with a group of friends or alone. In all of these environments, people are turning to psychedelics because they are seeking meaningful healing and transformation. In a society where people continue to have unmet needs around their mental health and well-being – especially following the COVID-19 pandemic, curiosity, rather than moral judgment, is a valuable tool to examine the possibility of psychedelic medicine to meet those needs. We can turn towards psychedelic harm reduction for a better framework to understand and work with all possible choices that people might make regarding their psychedelic use. 

 If you’re interested in learning more about how psychedelic harm reduction can help you reach your goals in therapy, you can book a complimentary 30-minute consultation with me today.

The field of mental health still has a long way to go in our general understanding of trauma. Trauma-based disorders are one of the few conditions that require a life-changing event for a diagnosis to be made. And unfortunately, many of our diagnostic understanding of trauma is looking at it after the fact. Mental health professionals typically explore the symptoms and functioning of people who have already endured a traumatic experience. But very little is said for the people who are still actively enduring traumatic situations, some even in their daily lives.

As with most things in healthcare, our current models of diagnosing and treating trauma are mostly during the post-traumatic phase.

Post-traumatic stress disorder has been the landmark understanding of trauma for decades. We know now these symptoms are only one possible presentation of trauma. Complex PTSD provides a deeper understanding of what it can look like for someone to endure chronic exposures to distress and overwhelm and helps paint a broader picture of symptoms that individuals may face

But there is an overwhelming need for us to examine what it looks like for people who are currently surviving adversity- understanding how symptoms present when exposed to active threats and how to better prioritize prevention. As with most things in healthcare, our current models of diagnosing and treating trauma are mostly during the post-traumatic phase. Protecting people from post-traumatic symptoms is an important part of this work, and we can best do that if we intervene as soon as possible- and we can only intervene if someone is capable of seeing that they are living through active distress.

What Happens When You Are in Active Distress?

Stress is psychological and physiological. It impacts you in your body and your brain- and the process by which this happens is a universal, neurobiological experience for everyone. In essence

• You are exposed to a demand or a threat that you perceive to be challenging or overwhelming
• This stressor is then processed by your body as a “bad thing” and a dangerous thing
• Your body communicates to your brain via the vagus nerve that you are now in the presence of danger and must shift into self-preservation mode
• This then puts you into fight or flight, and you shift out of your thinking brain
• Reflexively and automatically, you become more aware of how bad the stressor feels and you become fixated on how you can get relief from the stress
• Your body starts to feel uncomfortable because your heart is racing, your muscles are tense, your stomach hurts, and you have too much adrenaline and/or cortisol in your bloodstream
• It becomes harder to focus, to feel comfortable, to feel motivated and your behaviors shift into self-protective behaviors to get away from the stressor. You may:
  • Fight: Become self-defensive or conflictual
  • Flight: Try to avoid or escape the stressor
  • Freeze: Become paralyzed or stuck
  • Fawn: People-please or drop your boundaries
  • Flop: Submit and give up
  • Fright: Panic and explode
• You stay stuck in these behaviors until it feels like you have adequately dealt with the stressor
• Your body produces adrenaline and cortisol and then you crash into a low period so you can recuperate

This neurobiological process works great when presented with acute threats such as a bear in the woods. These processes do not work as great, however, when you are trying to function at work or in a relationship and you are stuck in a state of distress.

The longer you are in distress, the more damage your stress chemicals do to your brain and body. The more frequently you are exposed to distress, the more your ability to tolerate erodes away. The more intense or threatening the distress, the more you develop complicated or harmful coping strategies. When you are flooded with stress due to active crisis, your capacity to function becomes highly dysregulated. This regulation must be intervened before it becomes ingrained in us as a post-traumatic symptom of distress.

What Does Active Distress Mean?

While life almost always guarantees adversity, not everyone is exposed to the same intensity or frequency of adversity. And even fewer people are exposed to what would be considered true threats to their survival. When you have active threats of harm facing you, you move through the world differently than your peers. When exposed to intense, frequent, or harmful threats, you spend more resources in self-preservation and survival mode and therefore have fewer resources to expend on other parts of your life.

Systemic distress can look different to different individuals. For example:

• Financial insecurity is distressing because it poses a threat to housing or food.
• Housing insecurity is distressing because it poses a threat to safety and protection.
• Food insecurity is distressing because it poses a threat to survival and nourishment.
• Community violence is distressing because it poses a threat to safety and connections.
• Harsh political climates are distressing because they pose a threat to policy-driven needs and access to resources.

Some groups of people are more greatly impacted by these threats than others.

On a smaller scale, many people are exposed to threats of safety within their own homes. They may be exposed to

• An abusive partner, parent, sibling, or family member.
• High conflict or high control groups.
• Neglect or abandonment.
• Loss or grief.
• Substance use or harmful mental health challenges.

When Does Distress Become Trauma?

When someone is exposed to frequent, intense, and unsupported experiences of distress, it can become “toxic”. Your body is designed to only handle so much turmoil before it makes you sick. Trauma is psychological and physiological injury due to repeated or intense exposures to unregulated stress. Quite literally, trauma is when your stress exposure is so strong and so unmediated that it alters the way you feel and function.

From a behavioral perspective: if you are exposed to so much stress that it is harming you, your behaviors are going to become hyper-fixated on getting relief from the distress. This might lead to the development of relief-seeking behaviors that often exist within self-harm: non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI), eating disorders, substance use, etc. People might also develop compulsive behaviors to get relief which can develop into obsessive-compulsive disorders. On a more surface level, someone may also spend so much time and energy on surviving (working too much, protecting themselves from harmful people, etc.) that they can’t do anything else.

From a neurobiological perspective: chronic and uninterrupted exposure to adrenaline and cortisol causes damage to your brain and body. Your amygdala grows, your hippocampus shrinks, and you have less activation in your PFC. This changes how you experience and process emotions, how you access memories, how you think, and how you make decisions. This changes your capacity to make good, healing choices.

When you are flooded with stress due to active crisis, your capacity to function becomes highly dysregulated. This regulation must be intervened before it becomes ingrained in us as a post-traumatic symptom of distress.

From a physiological perspective: adrenaline and cortisol are also degrading to your digestive systems, pulmonary systems, cardiac systems, and endocrinological systems. Stress chemicals degrade you from the inside out which is one explanation behind why trauma survivors have worse health outcomes. This changes how much you can rely on your body to move you through life.

From an evolutionary perspective: you are moldable so you can adapt to your environments. You adapt in spaces of hostility so you can ensure your survival, but those adaptations do not easily apply to worlds outside of your trauma. These changes can be hard to get away from, causing repeated patterns of pain even when trying to heal from past trauma.
In short- when distress is too much, too intense, or too frequent, you can develop symptoms of traumatic stress. And trauma is complicated because it compounds. When this compounding is complex and chronic, it can change the trajectory of development, play a hand in the worsening of mental health conditions, and change the way you perceive and interact with your world.

Does Everyone Realize They Are Developing Trauma?

When your world is so overwhelming and chaotic that the distress could be damaging, it also interrupts your ability to assess what’s going on. Your situation might be so familiar or so normal you don’t even know it could be harmful. It could be so overwhelming and consuming you don’t have the space to realize what’s happening. It can be so shameful or hard to look at that you ignore or deny it.

It is often difficult for people who are in active distress to act in ways that are healing enough to protect themselves from trauma. The way that we talk about trauma is so focused on how to identify it once you have survived. The gap in identifying how to know when you’re actively living it is so important for survivors to get help as soon as possible, to better prevent the establishment of long-term, chronic symptomatology. It also helps inform providers on how to best address symptoms of distress.

Your Turn: Do you have signs or symptoms of active distress? What does this look like to you? How have you found healing? Share in the comments below.

If you’ve lived or socialized in New York City for any length of time, you’ve probably had someone ask, “What do you do?” The culture is fixated on work – what it is, how it’s going, what successes or headaches you’ve experienced there, how much of a monster your boss is, the amount of your paycheck, etc. A common response is, “I’m a…” Continuing the theme of fixation, we use the verb “to be” in relation to our work. We are our work, and it is us.

But in truth, despite it often being placed at the very center of our lives and identity, work is only one part of our experience and does not need to be a part of our identity. Who we are outside of work, and all its complexity, is often left unexplored, unnourished, and undeveloped.

The Psychology of Career and Identity

As an adult living in the US, you are more likely to spend the majority of your waking hours at work than anywhere else. (According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, those working outside the home averaged 7.9 hours of work per day, which does not include getting ready for work or commuting). Your sense of self and identity can easily become fused with, or overwhelmed by, where you are spending so much time.

This tendency is turbocharged by the social significance given to work-related ideas like productivity, working hard, getting ahead, chasing promotions, having to “hustle,” and consumerism. While this can feel uplifting for those experiencing a highpoint in their work, any changes in your ability to be optimally productive (such as getting sick, being fired, or leaving the workforce) can lead to big questions.

Who are you outside of work? What is important to you? For some, these questions may be accompanied by feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation, grief, feeling lost, and more.

If you seemingly are your work, some of the below experiences may sound familiar:

• • Not having much to talk about other than work or colleagues

  • Difficulty identifying your likes, dislikes, or interests

  • Relating everything back to work (ex: positive qualities are those that allow you to succeed at work)

  • Belief that the next title bump, raise, or job will give you a sense of fulfillment or satisfaction

  • No sense of play (ability to do something simply for the sake of enjoyment, rather than for financial or professional purposes)

Who we are outside of work, and all its complexity, is often left unexplored, unnourished, and undeveloped.

I often work with clients to explore the impact that the internalization of capitalism has on their self-worth, goals, and identity. If the above experiences resonate with you, it may be a sign that you’re ready to challenge the status quo and break free from some of the capitalistic ideals that you’ve bought into for so long. So, let’s help you discover who you are outside of work.

How to discover who you are outside of work

The importance of exploring your core values and purpose

If your sense of self and identity are consumed by work, imagining anything else or thinking about where to begin may seem daunting. This is extremely common and understandable – you’re challenging yourself to grow in new ways that aren’t often talked about or encouraged. So, how can you start to discover who you are outside of work? One way to begin is by thinking about your values, interests, hopes, and dreams.

Understanding these things can help you recognize the parts of yourself unrelated to job titles and salary brackets. Here are some questions I invite you to reflect on:

• How do I like to spend my free time? (this can help illuminate any areas of enjoyment, hobbies, or potential passions that you may want to lean into)
• Do I have any interests or talents that I haven’t explored (or given myself permission to explore) yet?
• What aspects of my character do I appreciate? (if this is difficult to answer, ask yourself
• what do others appreciate about you?)
• What values do I hold dear in life?
• What are my strengths? What are my areas for growth?
• What drives my behavior and how do I make decisions?
• Who have been the most influential people in my life and why?
• How can I be a better friend, partner, or person to those around me?

If reflecting on the above questions truthfully, some of your answers may be uncomfortable. The purpose of thinking about them isn’t to have everything precisely figured out, but rather to serve as a starting point for learning more about yourself. For many, acknowledging the less comfortable parts of yourself or areas of life you’d like to be different is an important step toward growth and change.

You are a whole person outside of work, deserving of rest and fulfillment

How capitalism keeps us stuck

In the United States, work and profit are valued above all else. We are taught from a very young age that to be unemployed or “unproductive” are among the worst things a person can be (just think about how intense the fear of being perceived as “lazy” is). Inevitably, this means many of us are consumed by work as we strive to be the most productive.

The fact that this constant striving leaves little time for the development of personhood is not by accident. People who are too tired and beaten down from work don’t have an opportunity to develop passions, break out of their isolation, organize with others to address their grievances and fight for change, or generally challenge the status quo. Keeping you focused on work affects things from the macro (national, state, and community level) all the way down to you.

For many, acknowledging the less comfortable parts of yourself or areas of life you’d like to be different is an important step toward growth and change.

So, how could you start to break out of this very intentional cycle and begin to get to know yourself better? In addition to reflecting on the questions above, having various building blocks in place can be helpful. Tending to things like your mental health, physical health, and your relationships can go a long way to having you feel supported as you push yourself to grow in new and exciting ways.

You Are More Than Your Job

I’m here to remind you that you are not your job. It may take up significant amounts of your time, energy, and attention, but at the end of the day, it is what you do, not who you are. Exploring your interests, values, and passions can be a great way to begin to untangle work from the parts of your life and identity that are just waiting to be cultivated. You deserve to rest and discover who you are outside of work. Embarking on this journey of growth and development with a trusted professional can be an especially rewarding and fulfilling experience. Regardless of how you get there, though, my hope is that the next time a New Yorker asks you about yourself, you will have more to say than you are your job.

Your Turn: Have you taken time to explore your values, passions, interests and who you are outside of work? Do you find it challenging to give yourself permission to rest? What has your experience been? Share in the comments below.

As life demands become more complex, ADHD symptoms may often become more prominent and a diagnosis is made later in life.

It’s a common myth that ADHD is primarily experienced in childhood. It’s estimated that around 8 million adults in the U.S. experience ADHD.

A trained professional can help you tap into your inner strengths and improve how you manage unwanted ADHD symptoms.

Boundary setting is a keystone to a healthy relationship- do you struggle to set boundaries or follow boundaries set by others?

Maybe you act clingy towards your partner. Maybe you spend too much time alone. You might constantly seek validation and approval, or you might tend to remain aloof and not dependent on anyone — even your partner.

These behaviors all stem from people’s individual attachment style. Identifying your own attachment style may help you figure out (and solve) your problems with setting boundaries.

What Is Attachment?

Attachment is how you securely connect with others, and the degree to which you feel safe in your relationships. You can think of it as how you interact and connect with the people around you, especially those you love.

Attachment is the level of closeness you feel with others: it’s how you show love, care, and affection. But it is also how you interpret or understand others’ affection towards you. The degree to which you feel comfortable in vulnerability is strongly determined by attachment.

Have you ever felt fear or anxiety over your partner leaving you, or how your friends and family truly feel about you? Have you ever struggled to balance time with yourself versus with others? Are you unsure of how to determine how close to get to others? These are likely influenced by your attachment style.

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles are the pattern of behavior or traits you develop when dealing with people — especially those with whom you have a strong emotional connection.

Basically, your attachment style is what shapes and influences your behaviors when it comes to relationships. That includes setting and following boundaries.

Although we call them styles, they’re actually more like “attachment states” simply because you can’t change them according to your whim — like how you can with your fashion style. Unless you dig deep, identify, and actively work on your attachment style, it will remain how it is, likely for the rest of your life.

The Attachment Theory

The concept of attachment styles was first developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby back in the 1950s when he came up with what we now call the attachment theory.

Everyone forms their attachment styles early on — during their first five years as a child, in fact. Which attachment style you develop depends on your primary or earliest caregivers. This means your parents, your aunts or uncles, your grandparents, or other guardians.

Your earliest relationships set the stage for the relationships you later have in life. It impacts what you view as safe, what you think is possible, how you connect with others, how you trust others, and much more.

Whether you feel safe, loved, and fully secure in your adult relationships depends on whether you were able to feel the same way as a child.

Identifying Your Attachment Style

There are two main attachment styles based on the attachment theory: secure and insecure. However, the second one can be further divided into three types: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. This gives us four separate attachment styles.

Out of these four, the secure attachment style is the healthiest and most stable.

The remaining three insecure attachment types are often rooted in poor relationships, some form of insecurity, or even childhood trauma. In turn, these usually result in negative patterns of behavior when you get into relationships as an adult.

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style is born from a safe, visibly loving, and of course, secure relationship with your earliest caregivers.

You don’t need to grow up in a perfect environment to form a secure attachment. What’s important is you can trust your parents or guardians to tend to your needs — both physical and emotional.

Which attachment style you develop depends on your primary or earliest caregivers.

As a child, you didn’t have any anxieties or worries that you’ll be left to fend for yourself. You felt secure in your relationships with your parents or caregivers, and knew they truly loved you, supported you, and would come back for you even if they left.

Additionally, you were given both freedom and safe, firm limits.

What does having a secure attachment style look like as a grown adult?

• You maintain a sense of independence.
• You learn to appreciate your own self-worth.
• You have a positive view of yourself or have self-esteem and self-confidence.
• You have high closeness desires while still feeling comfortable alone.
• You can maintain a healthy balance of “me time” and “connected time” with your partner.
• You are not afraid of intimacy.
• You have low avoidance or feel comfortable being with others.
• You can reliably self-reflect and manage your emotions.
• You can trust others and give your trust in return.
• You feel confident in starting new relationships even after one ends.
• You feel comfortable depending on others and being relied on by your partner.

A great way to figure out if you have a secure attachment style is to think back on whether or not you fear or get anxious about being on your own.

Anxious-insecure Attachment

Also known as anxious-ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied, this is the likely attachment state of those who need a lot of reassurance to feel safe in their relationships. Like the name implies, you have high anxiety about being abandoned.

Anxious attachment is formed when the support, love, and care your parents or guardians provided were inconsistent. When you don’t know when your needs will be met, you feel as if you need to strongly hold on to, cling to, or make a scene to be noticed by your primary caregiver.

This also results in you constantly craving for emotional intimacy and validation. As adults, this can turn into acting “needy” or clingy. As a child, this worked, as it forced the adults to attend to your needs. In adult relationships, however, it can lead to ruptures in the relationship.

Other ways anxious attachment can look like for adults in relationships are:

• You can become too fixated with your partner.
• You feel anxious when your partner is away.
• You want to be close with others but at the same time are reluctant to fully do so.
• You constantly worry about what your others really think about you.
• You try to read between the lines too much.
• You often seek approval or support from your partner.
• You can become too demanding or controlling towards your partner.
• You feel less positive about yourself or have lower self-esteem.
• You have a tendency to overreact, especially to what you may consider threats to your relationship.
• You may struggle to maintain other close relationships, outside of your partner.
• You feel as if you won’t survive without your relationship and fear you’ll end up alone forever.

The ambivalent side of the anxious attachment style comes into play when you’re unable to fully trust or rely on the intimacy and love you receive. This is why relationships with anxious attachment people can still feel cold and distant, despite the clinginess.

This can often result in the end of relationships — turning your worries into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Avoidant-insecure Attachment

Similar to people with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style, avoidant attachment also stems from feeling unsafe in relationships. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you still have high anxiety regarding being potentially abandoned.

However, instead of clinging to others, you feel wary of others, of forming connections, and especially of relying on other people. As a result, you do the complete opposite and simply avoid or push them away first.

Relationships with anxious attachment people can still feel cold and distant, despite the clinginess.

This is why it’s also called the dismissive attachment style. “They can’t leave me if I leave them first,” or even worse, “They can’t abandon me if I never let them in.”

Avoidant attachment usually forms if you were left to fend for yourself at a young age. You learn early on that it’s hard to trust and depend on others — and that it’s ultimately easier and safer to simply depend on yourself.

If you were reprimanded or even rejected by your primary caregivers for showing emotions, expressing your needs, or depending on them, then you likely be an avoidant type as an adult, too.

In adults, the some signs of having an avoidant or dismissive attachment style are:

• You avoid physical or emotional intimacy or both.
• You feel more comfortable alone.
• You believe you don’t need others to survive.
• You are dismissive of other people or of their concerns and feelings.
• You find it hard to trust others, even without any reason to distrust them.
• You don’t want to depend on others or have others to depend on you.
• You don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings.
• You often don’t feel desire for relationships.
• When in a relationship, you keep your partner at arm’s length.
• You prefer more casual relationships than long-term ones.
• The romantic relationships you form feel shallow or lacking deep emotion.

Although this attachment type doesn’t seek the approval of others, that doesn’t necessarily mean they have high self-esteem or a positive view of themselves. In fact, many are the opposite. Instead of having high self-esteem, you might simply not care about what others think.

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment — also called fearful-avoidant attachment — is usually formed when kids grow up in unpredictable, highly chaotic, or even risky environments. It can often stem from some sort of childhood trauma or abuse.

As a result, you also didn’t learn how to trust and rely on others, or even yourself. You want to love and be loved. However, you also don’t know how to show and accept love offered to you in a safe or healthy way.

Not only do you have a high anxiety about being abandoned, you also have conflicting wants; you have high avoidance but also have high enmeshment. You might want to be left alone or you may insert yourself into others’ life with ease. You might really struggle with boundary setting.

This attachment style can manifest as the following:

• You’re fearful of being left behind yet tend to start conflicts.
• You find yourself emotionally shutting down and pushing your partner away.
• You tend to not take responsibility for your actions.
• You often blame yourself when fights happen.
• You have a highly negative view of both yourself and your future.
• You can become overly involved in your partner’s life.
• You find it hard to depend on others.
• You struggle with independence due to a lack of skills or self-esteem.
• You struggle with regulating your emotions and can be volatile.
• You find it hard to communicate, or you have unhealthy communication behaviors.
• You can be insensitive or unnecessarily hard on your partner.
• You’re prone to dangerous or risky behaviors when under extreme stress, such as violence, self-harm, or substance abuse.

Avoidant attachment usually forms if you were left to fend for yourself at a young age.

Do Certain Attachment Styles Gravitate Towards Each Other?

Any attachment style can be paired with each other, and since these are usually unspoken patterns in relationships, you might not even be aware of your partner’s attachment style.

Having a secure relationship does not mean it will be perfect or last forever, but there will usually be healthier management if it does end. Additionally, two insecure attachment styles together doesn’t always mean the relationship will be unhealthy or end badly — though there might be a higher risk for rupture.

Though attachment styles may have certain distinguishing traits, each person is still different. Their growth and overall journey and life will still shape their attachment style — or even shift it as they grow older and wiser.

Still, there is a lot of information we can infer from two different attachment styles getting together.

• Secure and secure: This is the winning combination, generally leading to healthy relationships and positive, healthy changes individually.
• Secure and any insecure attachment: The secure attachment can potentially help heal their partner and serve as a positive impact. At the same time, they might not tolerate crossed boundaries and unhealthy relationship signs and simply step away.
• Anxious and anxious: This is generally only good at first as both heavily prioritize the other. The downside is the lack of independence from both makes it an unsustainable dynamic.
• Anxious and avoidant: The anxious attachment often gets the short end of the stick. They tend to prioritize their partner and seek reassurance, which is great for the avoidant. However, as the avoidant attachment fails to give reassurance and instead pulls back, this raises the other’s anxiety and risk for unhealthy behavior.
• Anxious and disorganized: This is usually a chaotic pair. The relationship tends to be an endless loop filled with insecurity and stress for the anxious attachment while their disorganized partner goes back and forth between wanting and not wanting intimacy.
• Avoidant and avoidant: This is most likely to end early, as both feel at ease walking away.
• Avoidant and disorganized: While the disorganized attachment can match their partner’s avoidant behavior, they are also prone to pushing for a closer relationship, which can potentially cause chaos.

How Can You Tell if Your Attachment Style Is Insecure or Impacted?

One of the easiest ways to tell if your attachment style is insecure is to think back to how you think and act towards your partner or loved one.

Do you thrive only when you’re in a relationship and not when you’re single? Do you heavily depend on your partner? Do you constantly seek approval of others?

Do you feel extremely anxious about being left alone? Do you find being on your own uncomfortable? Do you find the need to insert yourself thoroughly in all aspects of your partner’s life — just to reassure yourself of their love and trust them?

How about worrying about what others really think about you? Do you stress about oversharing your real thoughts and feelings, thinking you’d be judged for them?

If your answer to these questions are “no” then you most likely have a secure attachment. If you answered yes to a couple (or even just one) of these questions, then your attachment style has most likely been impacted by your life experiences.

How Do Different Attachment Styles Impact How You Express and Receive Love?

Different attachment styles can dictate how comfortable you are with expressing love and receiving love, affection, and trust.

Secure attachments basically don’t have any problem with giving and receiving love. They do both in healthy, positive ways — making it easier for their partner to also feel secure, heard, and seen.

If you have an anxious-insecure attachment style, you find it hard to trust your partner and the security of your relationship. You tend to question and second-guess the love you give, as well as the love you receive. Many are also more reactive — rather than taking initiative, you take first then reciprocate.

For avoidant attachment types, there’s often a deep struggle with showing meaningful love. You tend to make shallow gestures instead. In many cases, avoidant partners may feel pressured to give more than they are comfortable.

With disorganized attachments, it’s basically both anxious and avoidant behaviors combined. You crave intimacy and seek love but often push others away or find it hard to express love in return.

If you experience a disorganized attachment style, you may feel insulted or threatened by your partner’s boundaries.

How Does Attachment Impact Our Ability To Set Boundaries?

From the examples of behaviors we gave for the four attachment styles, you can already start to see how each one sets and recognizes boundaries.

Secure Attachments and Boundaries

Secure attachments are generally the best at both setting and receiving boundaries.

In many cases, avoidant partners may feel pressured to give more than they are comfortable.

You know your limits, what feels comfortable for you, and most importantly, what you deserve. As such, you can set healthy boundaries accordingly.

You’re also able to communicate these boundaries well with your partner. If one of your boundaries is crossed, you’re confident and secure enough to walk away.

Moreover, because you know the value of boundaries and can set them accordingly, you are also able to receive and respect your partner’s boundaries.

All three insecure attachment types struggle with boundaries — but in very different ways.

Anxious Attachments and Boundaries

Anxious attachment finds it hard to set boundaries. When they do set boundaries, they struggle with following through on them. The fear of being abandoned plays a huge part in this.

Because of fear and anxiety, you’re more likely to let crossed boundaries slide. You’re also less likely to set conditions because of this fear. On the other hand, you’re also more likely to receive your partner’s boundaries well — also due to your fear and anxieties.

Avoidant Attachments and Boundaries

Meanwhile, avoidant attachment styles are actually good at setting boundaries — maybe a little too good.

If you’re an avoidant type, you’re more likely to set overly rigid or strict boundaries. Your desire to avoid dependence on others (and others’ dependence on you) can push you to make extreme boundaries designed to push your partner away.

When it comes to a partner’s boundaries, avoidants respect and recognize them well. Again, you may push this to the extreme and use it as an excuse to end a relationship. This can make it hard for your partner to set boundaries.

When you know the value of boundaries and can set them accordingly, you are also able to receive and respect your partner’s boundaries.

Disorganized Attachments and Boundaries

Disorganized styles are the ones who struggle most with setting boundaries. It’s usually because they don’t know what they want in the first place. It might also be easy to feel insulted or threatened by your partner’s boundaries.

Another thing that can make setting boundaries difficult for you if you’re a disorganized attachment is your difficulty in expressing yourself. Even if you know what you want, you struggle with communicating it with others.

Additionally, disorganized styles are less likely to steadily uphold boundaries — both your own and other people’s.

How Can You Improve Your Boundary Setting Skills?

There are several ways to improve your boundary setting skills. Knowing your attachment style and how it affects your abilities to set and receive boundaries goes a long way.

After all, recognizing the problem is always the first step to arriving at the correct solution. Knowing where you may be faltering will help you address it better.

Other tried and true ways to help you improve your boundary setting skills are:

• Improving your communication style
• Improving your beliefs about yourself and others
• Improving your understanding of other people’s needs
• Improving your understanding of your own needs
• Improving tolerance when faced with conflicts and loss of relationships

The exact way of how you can improve all these will depend on your attachment style, too!

Knowing your attachment style and how it affects your abilities to set and receive boundaries goes a long way.

Taking Steps To Repair Your Attachment Style

Perhaps repair might be too strong a word. After all, your attachment style isn’t “broken” — it may simply be unhealthy for your mental, emotional, and social well-being.

That being said, what can you do about it? Are there any ways to correct, improve, or change your attachment style? Yes, there are!

The following steps can greatly help you:

• Improve your fear of abandonment or judgment

• Find balance between isolation and enmeshment

• Improve desires for closeness

• Manage mental health or physical health challenges that are hurdles

• Enhance your overall relationships

• Find better support systems in life

• Grieve damaged and lost relationships in a healthy manner

• Improve emotional safety

• Heal from your past trauma, neglect, abuse, or betrayal

When you know your attachment style, you can start to work on it. You may be one of the insecure types today, but by addressing the issues you struggle with, you can eventually gain a secure attachment style some day.

As a licensed psychotherapist who is trained in Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) and prioritizes trauma-informed care for my clients, I’m dedicated to helping people create meaningful change in their life in a way that feels safe for them.

I specialize in working with clients who have experienced various forms of trauma, including abuse or bullying during childhood, narcissistic relationships, sexual violence, car accidents, systemic oppression, and more. The list of possible trauma-inducing experiences is almost endless. Oftentimes, people may not even be fully aware that they’ve experienced trauma.

For example, in situations such as childhood emotional neglect, where essential emotional connection with a caregiver was missing, or emotional abuse from a romantic partner disguised as jealousy, it can be difficult to pinpoint exact memories that one would label as a typical ‘trauma’. Still, the suffering is immense.

A therapist’s firsthand experience with ART

Because ART is an effective short-term approach, I’m glad to see the majority of my clients experience relief from troubling symptoms typically in one to five sixty-minute sessions. While I’ve witnessed the significant and positive impacts this approach has on clients firsthand, it’s also a newer form of therapy. Many clients who seek therapy to heal trauma have heard of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) which has gained attention in recent years. However, most clients aren’t aware that they can attain healing for the same presenting problems with ART.

Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) are two different types of evidence-based therapy that are both effective in treating trauma-related conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, and depression. While both ART and EMDR utilize bilateral stimulation in their techniques, there are some key differences between these two therapies which we’ll explore together in this blog.

What is Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)?

ART is proven to be effective for the treatment of anxiety, trauma, phobias, and more.

Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) is a relatively new evidence-based therapy that combines principles from several traditional forms of psychotherapy to reduce the effect of trauma and other psychological disorders. ART was created in 2008 by psychologist Dr. Laney Rosenzweig, who was originally trained in EMDR.

It uses eye movements and visualization techniques to help the client replace negative images in the mind that cause the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress (or other distressing mental health problems) with positive images of the client’s choosing. This is often done quickly: it is expected that most traumatic memories or images can be processed in a single session. This means that the client starts to feel better right away, and can feel safe moving on to addressing the next troubling memory or presenting concern. ART is an evidence-based therapy that can create dramatic improvements in a variety of mental health concerns such as phobias, anxiety, trauma, depressive symptoms, and more.

Who can benefit from Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)?

Can a therapist who doesn’t have specialized training in ART administer the treatment?

In order for ART to be effective, it must be administered by a mental health professional who has at least completed the Basic level training in the technique. The Basic training allows clinicians to start using ART immediately and successfully. Part of the training includes the clinicians stepping into the client role and receiving an ART session themselves, which creates a deeper understanding of the intervention and what is happening internally for the client. With enough hours of real world experience facilitating ART sessions, Basic-level trained clinicians can obtain formal certification from the Rosenzweig Center for Rapid Recovery, and move onto more advanced training levels.

Engaging in ART with an officially trained mental health professional is crucial for ensuring client safety, and maximizing likelihood of positive outcomes.

How is Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) different from EMDR?

One of the main differences between ART and EMDR is the length of treatment. ART is typically shorter in duration than Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), with many clients experiencing relief from symptoms after as few as one to five sessions. EMDR, on the other hand, typically requires at least seven or eight sessions for clients to see significant improvement, with more sessions needed for complex trauma.

Given that ART can be scheduled one session at a time instead of a course of treatment lasting weeks or months, ART is more flexible to suit each individual’s schedule and financial situation. ART will still be effective for most issues even if the client does not want to or cannot commit to sessions every week. This also makes it a great cost-efficient option at a time when many people are concerned about their expenses.

Research shows that people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) who undergo ART often experience symptom improvement over one to five one-hour sessions, on average.

While both EMDR and ART attend to emotions and physical sensations that come up when processing memories and images, ART emphasizes reducing negative feelings as soon as possible. This helps the client with overall feelings of distress during each session, and even allows opportunities to enhance positive emotions and sensations when they start to occur.

Another difference is that ART places less emphasis on the content of the traumatic memories than EMDR. Instead, the focus is on identifying and reprocessing the negative emotions, sensations and images associated with the trauma. With ART, clients are guided to replace unpleasant imagery, whereas with EMDR clients are primarily desensitized to the images.

The client does not need to verbalize more of the details of their painful experiences than they feel comfortable sharing. In fact, with ART, the clinician may redirect the client to return to inner processing after brief periods of talking to ensure the session moves along smoothly and to completion.

For this reason, according to its creator and some providers who have been trained in EMDR report that ART is easier on both the client and the provider. Providers perceive specific benefits of ART over other therapies, such as the fact that ART is very direct and efficient, while putting the client in control of the session. And while ART is delivered in a systematic manner, no two sessions are the same.

Research shows that people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) who undergo ART often experience symptom improvement over one to five one-hour sessions, on average.

If you’re looking for a treatment that can help you resolve trauma and reduce symptoms of anxiety, ART is a great option.

I’ve personally witnessed the positive impact of ART on clients, and the change from the start of a session to the end never ceases to amaze me. The improvement is evident in clients’ more positive facial expressions, relaxed body language, and optimistic way they speak.

Clients are often surprised at how much calmer they feel before even reaching the end of the ART session. The majority of clients who have experienced ART with me have shared that their stress levels are significantly reduced, if not eliminated, by the end of a session. It’s quite common for clients to share that it feels like a weight has been lifted off their shoulders, or that the memory is “over” and safely in the past after experiencing ART.

A particular client, who after ART was able to see connections between how his family treated him in the past and how he treats himself now, expressed to me that he wished he had learned about this treatment a long, long time ago.

The bottom line

Both ART and EMDR are effective when administered by trained professionals who know how to use them properly. No one intervention or technique will work for every single person, so it’s ideal to explore your options with a qualified professional. Individual differences between clients may lead to a preference for ART over EMDR, or vice versa.

It’s worth trying different forms of trauma therapy to see what works best for your individual needs. If you’re interested in learning more about how ART works, I encourage you to schedule a complimentary phone consultation with me today. 

Your Turn: Have you ever received EMDR Therapy or ART? Share your experience in the comments below.

Capitalism is one of the founding principles of the United States (the other being racism). This framework emphasizes maximizing productivity and profits by any means necessary. While the vast majority of us do not get to share in these profits, we do experience the effects of living in a culture that worships capitalism, often by taking on this “productivity at all costs” mentality and adopting it as our own. One way of describing this is “internalized capitalism.”

While working hard, being goal-oriented, or dreaming big are not inherently bad qualities, when they come at the expense of your health and relationships, it might be time to evaluate the role they play in your life. Questioning self-worth, difficulty resting, anxiety, depression, and physical symptoms can all be signs capitalism and your relationship to work is taking a toll. 

Figuring out what to do in this scenario can feel daunting. Taking time off or challenging the status quo may feel strange, unsafe, or scary. You are far from alone, though!

If you’re feeling run down, let’s explore if internalized capitalism may be to blame, and what you can do about it.

What Is Internalized Capitalism?

Internalized capitalism is the adoption of the messages of capitalism as your own values or guiding principles, typically to your own detriment. A common way this plays out is hustle or grind culture – the idea that you need to always be working as hard as possible, “maximizing your time,” making moves, and advancing toward your dream job or a higher income. In a work-obsessed city like New York, this often translates to multiple jobs, long hours, and the judgment of those who are perceived to be less “productive.”

The issues created by capitalism are as old as capitalism itself, however they are being felt increasingly intensely and are more commonly discussed than before (particularly since the beginning of the pandemic). Whether you’re an artist or entrepreneur, if you’re questioning your worth due to concerns about productivity, not resting, or anxiety and depression have become your norm, it may be worthwhile to continue reading and learn more.

While working hard, being goal-oriented, or dreaming big are not inherently bad qualities, when they come at the expense of your health and relationships, it might be time to evaluate the role they play in your life.

What does it feel like to internalize the ideas of capitalism?

Most of the ways the internalization of capitalism affects us are normalized in the US, despite being highly unnatural. As such, it can be easy to ignore, downplay, or miss what is going on. Experiences like those below may mean you’re committed to the grind in ways you weren’t quite expecting, and with unintended consequences:

Sunday Scaries

The sleepless night of dread before Monday morning is a sure sign work is taking up too much space in your life. For some, this may just be a sign of an unfulfilling job, but more often than not it points to experiencing the exploitation of workers so common in the US.

“Do I Have Value As a Person?”

Tying your value or worth as a person to your job, productivity, accomplishments, or possessions is a slippery slope. It demands you keep going faster and doing more to continue feeling good about yourself. When you fall ill, become disabled, experience unemployment, or are otherwise unable to produce in the same way, it can feel like an existential crisis.

Inability to Rest

Feeling under the weather or in need of a personal day, but go to work anyway? Difficulty actually resting and taking care of yourself on days off? Capitalism (and by extension, many employers) exploits and manipulates workers into feeling guilty for taking the time they need to rest and take care of themselves. This may come in the form of “not being a team player” or feeling anxious about “not doing anything.” Capitalism lies to us by saying that rest is for the weak and should be put off as long as possible.

Anxiety and Depression

Near constant worry about paying bills, holding onto one’s job, and the pressure to do more inevitably takes a toll on your mental health. This stress and feeling like it is inescapable may lead to feelings of anxiety or depression.

What to Do?

Unlearning is a difficult process. It takes time and energy, but can be beneficial if we truly want change in the long-term.

Learn More about Interrelated Systems of Oppression

As a white person writing this article, it’s important to acknowledge that the majority of my learning about capitalism has been from people of the global majority, and in particular Black women.

Black thinkers have long talked about and shared their wisdom on this subject. Scholars Tricia Hersey (founder of the Nap Ministry) or Joshua Briond (host of the Millenials are Killing Capitalism podcast) have spoken extensively about how capitalism reinforces, and is intertwined with, other forms of oppression, such as racism and white supremacy, ableism, fatphobia, and more.

Tying your value or worth as a person to your job, productivity, accomplishments, or possessions is a slippery slope.

In a therapeutic setting, talking about these things and learning to recognize how they are connected has value. Co-founder of Melanated Social Work Marvin Toliver has pointed out that tying internalized feelings of capitalism back to racism and white supremacy has been helpful for his clients.

Name the Thing

Having big, ambiguous feelings that we don’t know what to call can often make us feel even worse. In this instance, recognizing the feeling and identifying where it comes from can be useful. Being more specific in this way can always help us know where to start in trying to create change.

Establish Boundaries

On a purely individual level, having stronger, better defined boundaries with work can help you reclaim some of the time, energy, and space that work has taken from you.

Get Connected

Finally, the solution to these problems will be collective – not individual. Talk to friends and coworkers about your experience or get involved with organizations in your community addressing workers rights. If you are in a unionized workplace, learn more about your union! If your workplace is not unionized, learn more about potential options for unionizing.

Capitalism and exploitation of workers thrives on individuals having little recourse against such an overwhelming system. When we internalize these values, we end up perpetuating that feeling of powerlessness. By learning more, being specific about our experiences, and connecting with others, there is far more recourse to create change.

Capitalism and Your Mental Health

Unlearning internalized capitalism is possible.

I see capitalism as one of the foremost challenges to our mental health today. None of us are given the option to opt in or out of this system, so we can easily internalize or take in these messages without realizing it. Movies, television, and prominent personalities (think: Joe Biden working while having COVID) have long reinforced that productivity is essential and encouraged us to work past our breaking point, lest we be called lazy and be discarded.

The internalization of capitalism goes hand-in-hand with anxiety, depression, exhaustion, uncertain self-worth, and more. If you feel this way, I’m ready to discuss it with you. I’m Daniel Rich, a licensed psychotherapist at Clarity Therapy NYC eager to discuss capitalism and other mental health concerns tied to it.

Your worth doesn’t depend on your productivity. You’re just as valuable (arguably more valuable) relaxing on the couch as you are working at your job. If job stress, pressure from others, and other values of capitalism are weighing you down, I’d like to find a time to connect with you. Feel free to book a complimentary consultation with me today.

Your Turn: Do you recognize examples of internalized captialism in your life, habits, or belief systems? How does this affect you, your relationships, and emotional wellbeing? Share in the comments below. 

Fear directs survival. A lot of fears are very rational: not only do they make sense, but they serve a critically important function of keeping us alive. For instance, if you’re afraid of heights, you will probably stay away from mountains and therefore reduce your risk of dying by falling off a cliff.

Fear is a natural and healthy reaction to danger. Some fear can be beneficial, but persistent fear can be debilitating- even life-threatening. We can learn to better manage our fear by understanding the flight/fight process of the nervous system, and how this process impacts the brain and body. Learning how to heal after a traumatic experience will help you take control over fear, so fear stops controlling you.

When humans are exposed to real threat to life- physical harm, childhood abuse or neglect, violence, sexual assault, or systematic oppression, your brain shifts in how it prioritizes fear. You become hyper-attuned to threats. When you don’t have adequate support after exposure to threat, this hyper-focus becomes semi-permanent. It’s an extended symptom to keep you on high alert to future threats.

When this experience happens often or with great intensity, more and more resources are directed towards your survival mechanisms. The number one job of the nervous system is to protect your survival by any means necessary. Unfortunately, complex trauma rewires us to be hyper-focused on staying safe. Your nervous system becomes so overloaded with messages of threat that it comes unreliable and unpredictable. You feel fear everywhere, while also losing your ability to tolerate the fear. You can become so scared you actually lose the capacity to keep yourself safe.

What is complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD)?

This slow pressure of threat on the nervous system is the main crux of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (also known as C-PTSD). C-PTSD results from repeated and prolonged exposure to traumatic events. It’s characterized by a range of symptoms such as difficulty regulating emotions, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, difficulty in relationships, and an altered sense of self. C-PTSD is distinct from PTSD in that it involves multiple traumatic events and a longer duration of exposure.

C-PTSD is most often diagnosed among people who have been victims of prolonged, repetitive trauma. It’s most commonly found in those who have experienced childhood abuse or neglect; domestic violence; and sexual assault.

Coping with C-PTSD

The impact of trauma on the brain, emotions, and behavior. 

Trauma can have a profound effect on the brain, emotions, and behavior. Traumatic events can cause changes in brain chemistry and structure, leading to changes in behavior and emotional reactions. These changes can range from difficulty concentrating and problems with memory to feeling detached from reality, increased anxiety and depression, and changes in personality.

Some people may also have difficulty regulating emotions, become more aggressive or impulsive, or have difficulty establishing close relationships. Trauma can also lead to an increased risk of physical health problems, substance abuse, and self-harming behaviors. Coping with C-PTSD poses its own set of challenges, and can be further complicated if an individual doesn’t have a support network or trusted individuals to lean on.

The following are some common ways that trauma can affect one’s ability to function:

• • Memory problems – forgetting things more than usual, difficulty paying attention, or completing tasks.

  • Anxiety or panic attacks – feeling like your emotions or bodily sensations are out of your control.

  • Depression – feeling hopefulness, sad or not enjoying activities you normally enjoy.

  • Hypervigilance – feeling on edge or fearful in your day to day life, despite lack of actual threat.

  • Heightened startle response – exaggerated response to unexpected stimuli, especially sounds, that can feel intense and long-lasting (i.e.jumping at the sound of an ambulance siren, feeling physical sensations like heart palpitations, sweaty palms, or anxiety that takes awhile to dissipate).

  • Intrusive thoughts – Image-based memory is also tied to fear, along with belief systems. Your brain will prioritize these, earmarked as “urgent” increasing the frequency in which you experience negative thoughts and intrusive memories.

  • Depersonalization/Derealization – feeling disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, or surroundings. You may experience yourself as an outside observer of your own life or experience a sense of unreality or dreamlike state, as if you’re living in a fog. 

How does fear impact the nervous system?

What are the 10 fear responses?

1. Fight- I can beat the bear
2. Flight- I can escape the bear
3. Freeze- I can hide from the bear
4. Flounder- I attempt self defense but struggle
5. Fawn- I can please the bear
6. Friend- I can become the bear
7. Fright- I can scare the bear
8. Flop- I can submit to the bear
9. Faint- I can detach from the bear
10. Face- I can control my response to the bear

How fear hijacks the nervous system’s threat response.

When faced with fear, your responses change based on your perceived ability to beat the threat, your ability to escape the threat, or your ability to evade harm. When you see the bear, a subconscious judgment is made and then a response is activated. This response is then either strengthened or changed based on your actual experiences.

Fear is a normal reaction to trauma, and is your body’s way of protecting itself from danger – real or perceived.

The more your system learns it has no power over the threat, the more it shifts down into helplessness. Chronic activation of fear, especially fear that led to actual harm or danger, can disrupt the way your nervous system regulates. Living with C-PTSD, you might stop feeling fearful at all, you might experience numbness or dissociation, or you might experience intense depressive episodes. For other people, you may be able to maintain elevated responses, where you find yourself activated constantly. Most people bounce between these two states.

People who have experienced trauma may see bears everywhere, literally. This is because the amygdala- or the fear center of the brain– has adapted to see bears even when there aren’t any. Studies show that people coping with C-PTSD have amygdalas which are unable to recognize the difference between a threat in the past and a current threat. This means that if you’re reminded of a past experience, it’s as if you’re experiencing the traumatic event for the first time. This phenomenon is designed to keep you in a state of self-defense even when there is nothing to defend against. Our brain is trying to keep us safe, but it’s actually hurting us.

With complex trauma disorders, the amygdala has become hyperactive. You might experience a trigger or emotional flashback by something completely unrelated to your trauma. This is because the amygdala also hijacks most emotional processing- meaning fear gets woven into almost all of your experiences- even post-trauma experience. Emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and memories can all become tainted by fear. This is made more complicated due to the under-active prefrontal cortex.

So while your amygdala is overreacting to nonexistent threats, your prefrontal cortex (the rational, decision-making area of the brain) isn’t assessing threats as well as it should be. Having an underactive prefrontal cortex can mean slow learning of new information (which may help how you respond to fear), logical thinking, and having a harder time controlling your fear response.

assessing threat and coping with c-ptsd

Learn how to distinguish ‘real threat’ from ‘perceived threat.’

How to improve coping with C-PTSD and managing fear

Fear is a normal reaction to trauma, it’s your body’s way of protecting itself from danger (or perceived danger). It can be managed consciously and by taking steps to reduce stress and anxiety.

You do this through repeated practice of regulating our reactions to stress, seeing it like a form of physical therapy for your nervous system. We can’t stop the train from leaving the station- our nervous system is reflexive and autopilot shifts on easily. Coping with C-PTSD means that we can catch the train quicker, slow it down quicker, and rope it back into the station more effectively.

Here are things you can do that will help you feel safer when you’re feeling fearful, including:

• • Practice mindful breathing: Take slow, deep breaths, focusing on your breath and trying to relax your body.

  • Practice progressive muscle relaxation: Slowly tense and relax each muscle group in your body, starting with your feet and working up to your head.

  • Engage in activities or grounding exercises that you find calming or enjoyable: Try yoga, meditation, or even just going for a walk in nature.

  • If possible, remove yourself or take a break from whatever situation makes you feel anxious until your nervous system calms down.

  • Take care of  your basic needs and your health make sure you are: eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, engaging in activities you enjoy (like drawing, socializing, or playing music)

  • Challenge your negative thought patterns: Identify the negative thoughts that come up when you feel fear and challenge them with positive, more realistic thoughts.

  • Talk to friends and family: Sharing your experiences with someone can be a great way to reduce fear reactions and build a support system.

  • Seek professional help: If your fear reactions are persistent and affecting your quality of life, it might be beneficial to speak to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in working with people who’ve experienced trauma.

learn the signs of your fear responses to retrain your nervous system

When you can reduce the fear reactions you experience when NO threat is present, you’re retraining your nervous system to become more accurate and less reactive. This triggers a slow but important domino effect where your thoughts are less connected to fear, your emotions are less connected to fear, and your behaviors are less driven by fear.

The result is that you’re in better control of your physical symptoms, you improve your self-care, and begin to feel more present in life. When we aren’t motored by worry, we have space for more emotions and can experience true safety.

Here are some things you can do when you’re not in a fearful state to begin to retrain the nervous system:

• • What were the real threats, or your “bears?” How did you respond to stay safe? Why was this most likely the safest way to react to the bear?
  • Identify any coping mechanisms or strategies that may no longer be serving you.
  • What is a non-threat that triggers fear? Can you notice and manage symptoms that come up? Why does this feel so much like a bear?

Healing from C-PTSD is possible

The journey toward healing and recovery from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a process. There is no one size fits all approach, and it can be particularly challenging when you’re working on your own. You need to be patient with yourself, but also know that it’s okay if you need help from others along the way.

Coping with Complex-PTSD and learning how to heal is ideal in the presence of a trained trauma therapist. A trauma-informed therapist can help give you the necessary tools to practice soothing yourself out of fear, and help you distinguish between real and perceived threats. If you’re ready to take control of your own safety and stop living in fear, reach out to begin the process of healing with trauma therapy today.

Your Turn: What were your bears? How did you respond to stay safe? How have you let go of fear-based behaviors that are no longer serving you?

How do you calm yourself down when you experience stress, anxiety, or dissociation?

It’s common for interpersonal stressors to contribute to upsetting thoughts and increased anxieties. Understandably these may vary from person to person depending on a variety of factors.

6. Unresolved trauma or conflicts from the past

7. Lack of meaningful relationships, loneliness or isolation

8. Change in living or work environment

9. Social pressure or criticism

10. Bullying or harassment

11. Feeling unappreciated or ignored

12. Health issues or disability

Between the pandemic, natural disasters, rising inflation, and other common life stressors, it’s no wonder that millions of people struggle with anxiety and other mental health concerns.

What do you do when it all becomes too much?

If you haven’t tried it yet, we highly recommend trying out a few grounding techniques. These have been immensely helpful for some of my own clients, so I wanted to share a few of my favorites here.

What Are Grounding Techniques?

Practicing grounding techniques is a great way to calm yourself and bring you back from the edge. These help you refocus your mind and senses.

They bring back your thoughts to the present moment, recentering yourself from the source of your anxiety, whether it’s a past trauma or a future worry.

Grounding techniques are a key component in managing symptoms or feelings of distress. There are different types of grounding techniques, but they all aim to help you cope with negative emotions and mental health problems better.

Physical Grounding Techniques

Physical grounding techniques generally rely on your five senses — particularly your sense of touch. These exercises usually also require motion or physical movement.

1. The 5-4-3-2-1 Method

The 5-4-3-2-1 method is one of the most recommended grounding techniques. All you have to do is to list things around you that you can interact with your senses, going down from five. For example:

• Five things you see
• Four things you hear
• Three things you can touch or feel
• Two things you can smell
• One thing you can taste

You can arrange the order or number of senses to your liking. It can help to say your list aloud and pay attention to things you don’t notice regularly to further focus your mind.

2. Deep Mindful Breathing

Inhale and exhale slowly, taking care to notice how each breath causes your body to move. Try to be mindful of the sensations as each breath fills your body and pushes out.

You can also practice the 4-7-8 breathing exercise:

• Inhale deeply while counting to four.
• Hold your breath for seven seconds.
• Exhale slowly to eight counts.

3. Lie Down on the Floor

You can take these grounding exercises literally and lay on the ground. When you do this, try to feel all points of contact between your body and the floor. Focus on where your head, back, shoulders, elbows, arms, legs, and feet touch the ground.

While you do these, it’s also beneficial to do your breathing exercises.

4. Designate a Grounding Chair

Choose a cozy chair where you can lean back while still having your feet reach the floor comfortably. Sit down with your feet flat on the ground, preferably with no shoes or slippers.

Focus on the points of contact between your body and both the ground and chair. Think of how the chair material feels on your skin, how your body fits the chair, and how your feet feel steady on the floor.

Incorporate intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

5. Go on a Short Walk

Take a brisk walk or a jog to let out pent up energy. You can go outdoors or just walk around your house or on a treadmill. While walking, stamping your feet intentionally and focusing on the sensation it causes can further help you concentrate on the present moment.

It also helps to take intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

6. Stretch and Exercise

Aside from walking, stretching and other exercises also serve as great grounding techniques. The important thing is to get your body moving and your mind away from your worries. 

You can do exercises in place, such as jumping jacks or jogging in place. Yoga is also a great exercise for this as it pairs well with mindful breathing and meditation.

7. Do Some Gardening

Almost any other physical activity that requires you to engage as much of your body as possible can become a grounding technique. A great example is gardening. Repetitive actions like pulling weeds are great. These allow you to pay closer attention to the sensations of what you’re doing rather than the actions themselves — without causing much (if any) potential harm to yourself.

8. Rub Your Hands Together

If you can’t get up and move around, even simply rubbing your hands together can help. You can even add in a few claps for variety. Instead of just concentrating on the action and how it feels, pay attention to the noise you make as well.

You can also try rubbing your hand over your clothes, table, chair, or other piece of furniture nearby. Notice the different textures on your skin and how it makes you feel.

9. Submerge Your Hands in Water

Dipping your hands into a bowl of water — especially if it’s cold — can shock you into focusing on your surroundings and the present moment.

When you put your hands in water, focus on how the water feels around your fingers and how it flows when you move your hands. It can also help to alternate between placing your hands into warm water then cold water.

10. Hold Ice Cubes

This is a great grounding technique if you suffer from anxiety. Just hold a couple of ice cubes in your hand for a few seconds. Concentrate on how cold the ice is and how it feels in your palms.

You can also trace the ice along your arms or legs and focus on the sensation it causes. Just be careful that the ice isn’t cold enough to cause ice burns.

11. Touch Something Comforting

The opposite of shocking your sense of touch is a good grounding technique, too. Instead, find an object with a texture that brings you joy or comfort. This can be anything — a polished stone, a fluffy blanket, or even just a soft piece of yarn. As always, focus on the sensations when you hold your grounding object.

12. Squeeze a Stress Ball

Stress balls are amazing grounding tools since they not only give you something to concentrate on but also require some strength for maximum effect. Focus your energy on two things — how the ball feels in your palm and on the strength or energy you need to really squeeze your stress ball.

Instead of simply squeezing the stress ball absentmindedly, imagine it as the source of your stress. You can also visualize putting all your anxiety into the ball as you squeeze it and then letting it go when you release your hold.

13. Play With a Fidget Cube

Like stress balls, playing with fidget cubes and similar toys like spinners can help counter your stress and anxiety. If you’re restless, then you’ll likely find fidget cubes extra useful.

The repetitive nature of fidget toys can provide anxiety relief. Always try to remain focused on your actions and pay attention to how your hands and fingers move.

Mental Grounding Techniques

These are mental exercises or distractions that primarily aim to reframe your mind and redirect you away from your upsetting thoughts and feelings.

14. Meditation Exercises

Meditation is the intentional practice of being in the present moment. This is a great technique to empty your mind and escape from the feeling of having too many thoughts — especially upsetting ones. If you’re new to meditating, there are plenty of apps that can guide you.

If you want even more effective grounding techniques, you can practice meditation while doing other physical grounding exercises, like walking, stretching, and other repetitive actions.

15. Describe Your Surroundings

Take a few minutes to look around you and describe what you see. Try to use as much of your five senses as you can.

Aside from describing what you see, describe what you feel, too. Be as detailed as you can to stimulate your brain. Is your chair soft or hard? How is the temperature in your room? What color is your table or your shirt?

16. Imagine Storing Your Feelings in a Box

Imagine filling a box with all your upsetting thoughts and negative feelings. Visualize yourself gathering all those upsetting emotions and balling them up, then putting them in a box and locking the box securely. The idea is not to suppress or stuff your emotions for good, but instead contain them until you feel ready to revisit them.

19. Count Backwards

We know not all of us are math people, but numbers offer a nice distraction. A simple way to use numbers to center your thoughts is to count backwards from 100. You don’t necessarily need to reach one. Just keep counting backwards until you feel calmer, more in the present, and farther away from your upsetting thoughts.

20. Play Sudoku

If you’re open to slightly more difficult number-based grounding techniques, then answering a Sudoku puzzle is a really good one. Sudoku can be quite the challenge and requires your full mind power. This means you need to be fully in the present moment. 

Other brain exercises and puzzle games like word searches, jigsaws, crossword puzzles, and tetris-like block puzzles work, too.

21. Recite a Poem or Passage 

Quietly recite a poem, book passage, or even the lines from a movie scene that you know by heart. You can also recite the lyrics of a song you love. For greater effect, try visualizing the words as you’d see them when written on a page.

Saying the words out loud instead of just in your mind is preferable, but if that isn’t possible, you can also just say it in your head. It will still help redirect your thoughts away from what’s causing your anxiety. 

Soothing Grounding Techniques

These are a mix of both physical and mental grounding exercises. Instead of simply redirecting your mind away from upsetting thoughts, soothing grounding techniques focus more on making you feel at ease.

22. Make a Warm Drink

Make your favorite comforting, hot beverage. Whether this is tea, coffee, or hot chocolate is up to you. While preparing your drink, you can also practice mindfulness. Take note of each movement you make and how everything you touch feels. When you’re done making it, take a seat somewhere relaxing and savor each sip of your drink.

23. Take a Bath or Shower

Like with other grounding techniques, be mindful of each step you take in preparing your bath or shower. When you do get in the bath (or shower), let the water envelop you — pay extra attention to how it makes you feel.

Many prefer warm baths to really soak in, unwind, and release all their stress. On the other hand, cold showers are great too, especially if you want to jolt yourself out of a “fight or flight” mindset. 

24. Sit or Lie Down With Your Pet

Cuddling with your pet is amazing for relieving stress, anxiety, and general worries. Spending a few minutes just sitting with them and stroking their fur is a huge help. Concentrating on the feeling of their fur or the up-and-down movement of their chest also adds to their calming effect.

Additionally, the positive effect of pets on stress is scientifically proven — they actually lower the levels of stress-related hormones and blood pressure.

25. Smell Something Familiar

You can light a candle, spray on perfume, open a packet of comfort food, or light some incense. Familiar scents can help you feel calmer. For some, it may be a food or drink they find comforting. For others, it’s something they associate with a person or event that makes them feel happy or safe. 

26. Listen to Calming Music

The type of music depends entirely on your tastes. In general, instrumentals like classical music or jazz are calming for most people. If that’s not your style, then just listening to your favorite music — whether it’s an upbeat or mellow song — is an effective way to distract and comfort yourself.

27. Listen to ASMR

Aside from calming music, listening to ASMR or autonomous sensory meridian response videos can be a great grounding technique, too. ASMR is a relaxing sensory experience, where sounds (and sometimes visuals) are used to “trigger” a calming yet spine-tingling sensation to help you feel more relaxed.

You’ll find tons of ASMR videos online. These videos are characterized by clear sounds from everyday objects and soft whispers.

Putting on your favorite TV show or reading a book or graphic novel can work as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

28. Put on Your Comfort Show or Movie

Putting on your favorite TV show or a movie from your to-watch list is a great way to mindfully distract yourself from unwanted thoughts and emotions. Watching something — as well as reading a book or graphic novel — works as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

29. Watch a Funny Video

If you don’t have time to watch a two-hour movie or even a 45-minute show, then short but funny videos work just as well. A good meme or a clip from your favorite comedian’s latest show can help diffuse any intense emotions you may be carrying. Laughing can help you feel lighter, so you can later tackle the source of your stress with a clearer head.

30. Color in a Coloring Book

In recent years, coloring books have become quite a trend — even among adults. This is thanks to the soothing effect coloring can give you. It not only calms the brain but also keeps it active as you pick out colors and try to stay inside the lines. Coloring also promotes mindfulness and embracing the imperfect.

31. Plan a Fun Activity for Later

Doing something now isn’t the only way to ground yourself to the present moment. Planning something you will enjoy can give the same benefits. This can be something as simple as planning what to cook for yourself or visiting a new cafe with a friend. It can also be an activity that requires more preparation, like an out-of-town trip or going to a concert.

32. Picture Your Favorite Place

If you can’t go to your favorite place physically, then you can visualize it instead. Close your eyes and imagine actually being there — whether it’s a far-off place or your childhood home. Try to remember how the place feels, smells, and even what the surroundings sound like.

33. Imagine the Face or Voice of a Loved One

Alternatively, you can also visualize a loved one. It’s important to choose someone that you associate with comfort and safety, or someone who has a calming effect on you. Instead of just picturing how they look, think about how their voice sounds, how they smell, and what they might say.

34. List Down Things That Bring You Joy

What makes you happy? Think about your favorite things — the things that make you smile and leave you with warm, fuzzy feelings inside. You can list them down mentally or on paper. These can be your favorite foods, color, songs, people, or even places you want to go to. Visualize each item you list down as clearly as you can before moving to the next one.

35. Say Words of Affirmation

Being kinder to yourself and saying words of affirmation out loud can work wonders in calming you down and soothing your worries. Examples of affirmative, compassionate words are:

• This will pass.
• I will be okay.
• I’m strong.
• I’m doing my best.
• This is only temporary.
• I can do this.

Get the Most Out of Grounding Techniques

The key to getting the most out of these grounding techniques is to practice them regularly. Making them a part of your daily routine makes it easier for you to fall back on these practices as soon as you notice yourself in distress or on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Grounding techniques are effective in helping you manage your mental health by yourself. Speaking with a therapist can help you further improve your mental state, as well as learn new grounding exercises.

At Clarity Therapy, we offer a free therapist matching service to help you get connected with the right therapist for you. Simply share your preferences on our questionnaire and our clinical team will provide personalized recommendations to your inbox. All of our therapists provide complimentary phone consultations, so you can see if it feels like a good fit before starting therapy.

Your Turn: Have you found particular grounding techniques helpful in your day to day routines? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

It can sometimes be difficult to trust your intuition. So why is it important to get in touch with it? Learning when and how to trust your intuition takes practice. Strengthening your intuition in your daily life helps you build confidence and learn how to trust yourself. If you’re interested in learning how to strengthen your intuition, keep on reading — we’ll go over the definition of intuition, why it’s important, and tips for developing your intuition.

What Is (and What Isn’t) Intuition?

Intuition, at its core, is just another form of knowledge. It’s produced by your unconscious mind quickly sifting through your accumulated knowledge and past experience, to help guide your decision-making.

Because you don’t “see” your unconscious mind walking through the steps and considering all this information, the hunches or gut feelings that arise from your intuition can be difficult to understand. Furthermore, it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between your intuition and fear and anxiety.  So how do you distinguish between anxiety and intuition?

Strengthening your intuition in your daily life helps you build confidence and learn how to trust yourself.

Because both can manifest as a sense that “something’s off and I’m not sure why,” some confuse the two. Studies show that the brain is capable of registering information even without our conscious awareness.

An important distinction is that anxiety is rooted in fear. You’re afraid of something bad happening, and it brings in emotions like worry and uncertainty, prompting you to avoid the cause of your anxiety.

Intuition, on the other hand, is much more grounded. You could feel confused or dismissive towards the feelings you experience, but underneath you might feel the need to listen anyway, “just in case.”

benefits of Strengthening Your Intuition

All the systems in your body work in tandem towards one goal — to ensure your continued survival. Your heart keeps pumping blood, your lungs keep drawing in air, your brain keeps thinking about the best course of action, and your intuition keeps trying to nudge you in the right direction.

When you don’t trust your intuition or allow it to atrophy instead of strengthening it, you’ll get caught in a web of uncertainty, stress, and fatigue. It’s exhausting to keep constantly looking over your shoulder, thinking and rethinking every step you take.

A 2016 study found that the unconscious emotional information provided by intuition can not only increase the accuracy of decision-making, it could also speed up the decision-making process and boost an individual’s sense of confidence. Your intuition is a natural, powerful tool meant to guide you through life — don’t be afraid to use it. Here are some other benefits of learning how to “trust your gut”:

• • • Increased creativity
    • Sense of overall emotional wellbeing and calm
    • Feeling purposeful and determined
    • Improved physical health
    • Better decision-making
    • Heightened sense of perception or empathy
    • Feeling more attuned to your own needs

10 Ways To Strengthen Your Intuition

When society favors logic over intuition, it can be difficult to accept that you don’t need to pass every experience underneath a microscope lens to validate your decision-making. Here are some ways you can strengthen your intuition and begin trusting yourself more:

1. Trust that your intuition is there — Because some people are naturally more intuitive than others, you might feel like you don’t have “good” intuition. Intuition is innate — we all have it, some are just better at listening to it. By believing that your intuition is there, you can be more receptive toward it whenever you do notice that little inkling of “hey, maybe this isn’t the greatest idea.”
2. Pick up meditation and mindfulness practices — Spending more time focusing solely on your subconscious mind can help you notice the quiet things your intuition is trying to tell you. It’s best to do this in a solitary place where you can allow your emotions to flow freely.
3. Start a journaling practice— Every day, dedicate some time to putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper. It doesn’t matter what you write about — just give yourself the freedom to let your subconscious guide your hand. Other creative activities, like drawing, gardening or picking up pottery can also be a good alternative.
4. Transform your relationship with your inner critic — We’re always our own biggest critic. You’re likely used to rationalizing away your gut feelings, but if you really want to strengthen your intuition, you will want to listen to your feelings without judgment, fear, or ridicule.
5. Connect with all five senses mindfully— Get a good stretch going, wiggle your toes and your fingers, and observe your surroundings mindfully. By paying attention to what you can sense with your body, you can develop greater awareness of yourself as a whole and make you more sensitive to your “sixth sense.”
6. Practice creative visualization — When you notice an intuitive feeling arising, try taking note of what it “looks” like. Does it have a particular sensation? How about a shape, color, or size? Where does it arise (e.g. your gut, your heart, in your throat)? The feeling of intuition differs from person to person, so paying close attention to how it feels makes it easier to recognize in the future.
7. Start a dream journal — Dreams are the subconscious mind’s playground. When the cognitive mind takes a break, your subconscious has the freedom to send you signals through your dreams. These signals can be confusing, so a dream journal can help you make sense of them later.
8. Practice in your immediate environment — Observe the events around you and examine what you’re getting an intuitive sense about, and try tracing what past experiences or knowledge you have that’s informing your intuition.
9. Tune into and connect with your body— Your body is in constant communication with you. Practice slowing down in the morning and throughout the day. Listen to what your body wants and needs. This is another way to tune into your intuition. Not doing what you think you should do but what you want to. This can look like taking a mid day walk and changing up your routine. Ask yourself: What blocks my intuition?What strengthens my intuition?
10. Reflect on past experiences — Reflect on challenging or uncomfortable situations from your past. Think back on whether or not you had any intuitive feelings that made you re-evaluate your decision. Did you talk yourself out of listening to those feelings? The more evidence you have that your intuition is trying to steer you in the right direction, the easier it’ll be to trust it.

Learn how to trust yourself

It’s never too late to learn to listen to yourself. Intuitive knowing is heart-opening and with practice will allow you to feel more calm, grounded and self-assured. Your intuition will accompany you for life, so don’t be shy about getting to know it. Would you like personalized guidance on how to strengthen your intuition? Reach out to me for a complimentary consultation today. I’d love to accompany you on your journey in self-empowerment.

Your Turn: What’s helped you learn how to strengthen your intution? Weigh in on the comments below.

How can breathwork help your anxiety? 

Are you finding yourself replaying experience and conversations over and over again in your mind? Do you have trouble letting things go? You might feel stuck analyzing and trying to control what can’t be controlled?

You might think being in our mind can “fix”or provide you with the solution. When truly being stuck in your mind can make your anxiety worse. If you want to learn to trust yourself, improve your anxiety, and feel a deeper connection to yourself, breathwork is a great place to start.

What is breathwork?

Breathwork can help you make sense of what feels jumbled in your mind. Breathwork is often used in Somatic Therapy, because it can invite you into your body with a sense of gentleness and compassion.

The practice of connecting with your breath takes us into a rhythmic breath that stimulates your vagus nerve. This tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress. The vagus nerve helps regulate your breathing and heart rate.

Giving your body the opportunity to experience ease, presence, and safety. There are many forms of breathwork that can help with your anxiety and alter your consciousness.

4 Types of Breathing That Can Help Anxiety 

1. Box breathing is where you exhale for a count of four, hold your lungs empty for a count of four, breath in for a count of four, and then exhale for a count of four. Repeating this pattern, you can maintain this sequence for a couple minutes to gain comfort with the rhythm. 

2. Belly breathing, also known as diaphragmatic breathing is when you send air into your stomach causing it to balloon out. A way to practice this is to lay on your back and place your hand on your stomach so you can feel your stomach expanding as you send breath into your abdomen with your other hand on your chest. Your hand on your stomach will rise and fall as you inhale and exhale the air from your stomach. Repeat this breath for a few minutes. 

3. Pursed lip breathing is a simple way to slow down your breathing and make it more intentional. Sitting in a comfortable position you will inhale through your nose for two slow counts and exhale out your mouth for four seconds, pursing your lips together as you exhale. 

Stimulating the vagus nerve through breathwork tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress.

 

4. Holotropic breathing is a form of breathwork that can be done with a facilitator or practiced on your own. You lay down or sit in a comfortable position. This is a three part breath, all through the mouth. With your first breath – the active breath – you’ll be breathing into your stomach – ballooning out your belly, the second breath into the chest (the heart space) and the third breath out through the mouth.

Repeat this pattern of breath, taking your time to get familiar with how it feels. Continue for a couple minutes and when you’re ready, open your eyes and reflect on how you felt. For instance, what feelings or thoughts came up during that time?

How can breathwork help ease anxiety?

Breathwork allows the subconscious mind to come forward so healing can take place. The holotropic breath is a quickening of the breath and involves breathing in a specific pattern.

The holotropic breath takes us out of the everyday pattern of breath and introduces a new pattern to us. Research shows that this can improve feelings of clarity, self-awareness, and proves a relief from stress, anxiety, and boosts the immune system.

How can I practice breathwork to manage MY anxiety?

Breathwork can be added into your morning routine and practiced throughout the day. When we first wake up our brain is in what’s called the alpha state. This is when your subconscious mind is readily available to you. This is a great opportunity to practice any form of breathwork.

Getting Started with Breathwork

While breathwork may look different from person to person, here are some helpful tips to start and evolve your own breathwork practice. 

1. Be patient with yourself, exercise the practice of breathwork with gentle curiosity, non-judgement, and compassion.
2. Practice when you aren’t feeling anxious so when you are it’ll feel more natural to implement the exercise. 
3. Where is my mind going? Check in with your thoughts while you are in the active breath. Simply noticing the thoughts, without trying to judge, change or force.
4. How am I feeling at this moment? Check in with the content of your thoughts as well as your physical sensations in your body. Is something distressing me, do I feel tension, or tightness somewhere in my body as a result? 
5. What thoughts or feelings are no longer serving me? Imagine a certain color with the negative thoughts or emotions that you’d like to release and visualize this as you exhale. 

Additional Benefits of Breathwork

Some benefits you’ll see is a greater ability to manage your anxiety. When you’re anxious or stressed your breathing is disrupted. By being able to support your breath, you’re helping to regulate your nervous system. 

Breathwork can cause physiological changes such as lower blood pressure and heart rate. You may experience lower levels of stress hormones in the blood, and increased feelings of contentment and joy. By breathing in these new ways, you’re communicating to your brain that it’s safe to relax. 

Clients often share that they’re able to release fear and anxiety through breathwork. Additionally, they feel more centered, grounded, and present in their day-to-day experiences. It’s a joy to witness my clients gain purpose and clarity and make changes to live life to its fullest.

You may also notice a subtle shift in your relationships. You’ll begin to feel a deeper connection to yourself and others. You too, can cultivate a sense of peace and silent strength through breathwork. My wish is that this precious tool can carry you through life’s ups and downs, just as it has for me.

Your Turn: Did this topic resonate with you? Share your experience of breathwork below, or book a complimentary consultation with Melanie to explore the life-changing effects of breathwork for managing anxiety.

I recently spoke at a religious retreat at the Loyola House of Retreats in Morristown, New Jersey. The subject was the integration of religious belief and practice with psychological understanding. Contemporarily, the fields of religion have been considered a separate entity from psychology. Yet there is a growing awareness that this may not be an either-or scenario.

Modern psychology is not much more than a century in its formation. Sigmund Freud is usually credited with beginning the movement. Systems of orienting human beings to the great mysteries of birth, life and eventual death have always existed. Religious systems carried this task for many centuries.

But with the dawn of the scientific age, religion took a back seat to the medical model. This medical model now dominates much of the field of mental health. An early analyst, Otto Rank stated that because religions “lost the Cosmos” humankind became neurotic. As a result, we had to invent psychoanalysis to deal with this neurosis.

The quest for symptom relief in modern society’s psychology

I am primarily a Jungian by orientation and so tend to be more welcoming to a religious perspective. Carl Jung stated that his most successful patient work happened when a patient gained a religious perspective. Now he did not mean that one should run off to join an institutional system. Rather that one should seek to acquire greater existential meaning in one’s life. How this looks and feels to me differs from another’s.

Today, modern therapy often focuses on relieving symptoms, such as depression and anxiety. Medication is a part of the treatment process to assist in the reduction of symptoms. For some individuals this is a preferred and desirable approach. For others, a deeper therapeutic approach is necessary.

There may be a future of possibilities for one’s life which are not yet realized.

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Depth psychology and religion share this orientation to a large extent. Symptoms may be considered as meaningful on an existential level. There may be a teleological nature to a person’s suffering. In other words, there may be a future of possibilities for one’s life which are not yet realized.

Jiddu Krishnamurti was an early teacher of Eastern traditions to the West starting in the 1920’s. He presented a memorable thought; that it is not a sign of emotional health to be well-adjusted to a sick society. Now we can readily see the sickness in a society, such as the Nazi regime in the past century. But how adept are we at questioning the “sickness” of our own society? Are we emotionally healthy if we do our best to fit in and copy the trends of the time?

Looking for answers to emotional wellness in the medical model

The West has become rich in materialism and technology generating many benefits. Perhaps this moves people towards the unhealthy habit of always looking (often in futility) for external answers. Rather than going inward, our contemporary society promotes this approach. I sometimes counsel patients who look outside of themselves to alleviate their suffering. There is a search for the right tool or technique that will lead to perfect wellbeing.

Cultivating and defining one’s spirituality

I have never seen a medication alone solve a client’s existential problem. This issue still demands a therapeutic discussion, with grounding in some spiritual practice. Now this practice can be quite varied in approach. It could mean embracing a formal religious or spiritual practice or not.

I knew a man who traveled to India in search of a Guru who would help him solve his addiction problems. Instead of having this suffering man adopt Eastern traditions, the Guru asked a simple question. “To what spiritual tradition were you born into?” “Why I was raised in Judaism”, his reply. “Well then, my son, go back home and be a Jew!” So he did, and having met him 10 years later, Jay is a sober practicing Jew.

How adept are we at questioning the ‘sickness’ of our own society? Are we emotionally healthy if we do our best to fit in and copy the trends of the time?

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Perhaps this is an example of what set 12-step programs into motion in the first place. Analytical psychologist Carl Jung suggested to an alcoholic patient that he seek a religious conversion. As a result, AA and other forms of addiction treatment came to fruition. But at the core of this process is the exchange of the drink of a spirit with the cultivation of the spiritual. I have a personal friend who often attends open meetings because, “they feed my spirit.” She is not an alcoholic, but she admits being hungry for that which is spiritual. And Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are exactly where she gets her fill.

The interrelationship between psychology and religion is a consideration of profound importance. Volumes have been written on the subject and volumes more await. Some 2500 years ago the great pre-socratic philosophers, such as Paramenedes, cautioned against our current Western cultures’ propensity to require clean divisions among the academic disciplines. This most definitely pertains to our understanding of the roles of psychology and religion in the welfare of the human soul. Perhaps it is time to regard their warnings and open the dialog.

Your Turn: What possibilities in your life have not yet been realized? How have you cultivated your spirituality? I’d love to hear what’s helped you in the comments below.

The current pandemic restrictions have impacted our ability to nurture our traveling mindsets. It impacts both the mindset of the traveler who seeks the adrenaline rush of facing the unknown as well as the individual who is looking for solace and a quiet release from the tensions of daily life.

The proverbial question, whether in therapy or not, remains “To what end”? Travel limitations can serve as a very real form of psychological prison whether an individual is escaping the ordinary either towards an adventure or away from a reality. We also may consider any psychological conditions that a person may already be experiencing. A person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) will very likely react to the same circumstances in a different manner than a person who is feeling depressed. When traveling is permitted, it may be now a source of tension as we attempt to navigate what feels safe.

Learn how travel restrictions may impact our mental health, and what we can do about it.

Discover what attracts you to traveling

My partner and I are both psychotherapists who have engaged in a great deal of travel. The first question to consider is what kind of travel primarily attracts you. Is it a week on a Carribean beach or high adventure? Perhaps something in between? For the two of us, adventure generally wins.

Focus on the good news

The good news is that while facing travel restrictions, not everything needs to be virtual. You can still travel and explore, you just may need to look in new places.

You can still travel and explore, you just may need to look in new places.
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Currently New York State parks are open for hiking, biking, and camping. More and more destinations are open, with the necessary precautions of course.

Plan for future travel

You can use this time to enhance your travel skill sets, explore your curiosity, and develop your traveling desires through online courses. Plan your travel itinerary so you’ll be ready once things open up. It may be helpful to consider that despite the current restrictions, these times of less travel can also serve as a vessel for reflection, contemplation, and future planning.

Practice being open-minded

If you are able to be open-minded, prepare to be surprised. Some regular travelers have discovered the wonders that they would have missed had they not had the opportunity to change course in their thinking.

If you are able to be open-minded, prepare to be surprised.
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Some are even using this time as a form of Sabbatical from the usual demands of their life. Others are in the process of making major changes as they have used this time for reflection to align themselves more with the life that they want to live. See what options you have in your thinking and work from this orientation.

Find adventures in your own backyard

Our clients who usually “fly away” to different countries have discovered adventures in their own backyard – the camping trips, bonfires, outdoor cooking, and observing nature with its true colors. For the first time in our experiences with clients, they have talked about bird watching, sunsets they observed, walks, and hikes. They have discovered the Adirondacks and the Catskills for the first time. Become aware of nature and the possibilities. Rent a car or take your bike out of storage.

Ask yourself to reflect and be present

Ask yourself – why do you travel? Is it to escape, and if so, from what, from whom, from ourselves? If the answer is yes, we need to look into our lives and figure out why we aren’t able to find an adventure in our own backyard. Do we stay present? Do we notice what is around us? Are we paying enough attention to our surroundings? The bottom line is “wherever you go, here you are..” and it is up to us to make our life happen.

Create the possibilities

We both are travel addicts and we travel at least two times a year to exciting destinations. Remember that “small” and seemingly “not important” trips can become the highlight of the season. This summer, we went camping under the stars with our dog, which was a great experience. If not for the limitations of international travel, we would not have discovered this adventure.

There is a life out there if we want to create it, but possibly, it takes more effort to create magic.
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It’s true that we did skip restaurants and bars but we experimented with fine home cuisine and drinks outside, picnic style. There is a life out there if we want to create it, but possibly, it takes more effort to create magic.

The bottom line of traveling

We can remind ourselves that there’s plenty of opportunities to experience life, even though it feels restricted lately. There is power in finding gratitude for being alive. This will pass and we should all be checking in with ourselves moment-by-moment to make sure we are getting our needs met.

Your Turn: How will you remind yourself that there are still limitless possibilities for adventures amidst travel restrictions? Share what helps you cope in the comments below.

It’s sometimes easy to lose sight of the importance of your own self-care when you’re so focused on others. Now more than ever, with the continuation of social unrest, the ongoing pandemic, and working remotely, we’ve had to get creative with how we take care of ourselves. 

As a Psychologist, I struggle to be fully present for others if I’m running on empty myself. Here are several practical strategies for coping with anxiety that I use when I need to feel more grounded. 

My 7 Top Tips for Combating Anxiety:

1. Use Mantras to Root Myself in the Present
2. Remind Myself That is is Okay to Not Be Hyperproductive
3. Use Stillness as an Opportunity to Reset
4. Embrace My Own Vulnerability
5. Practice Gratitude and Recognize Abundance
6. Focus on Breathing and Muscle Relaxation
7. Demonstrate Small Acts of Kindness and Forgiveness

1. Use Mantras to Root Myself in the Present

I frequently find myself “time traveling”, which means stepping outside of the present moment and either replaying a past event in my mind or projecting some imagined future.

The only time that truly matters is now.

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Whenever we leave the present moment, we create problems for ourselves and others. The only time that truly matters is now. “Time traveling” with our thoughts is a potential rabbit hole, and diving headfirst into it won’t help boost your mood. Given the current uncertainty, it’s understandable that people catastrophize about what may lie ahead, because in this case we have very few answers—unfortunately, everyone is in the same boat.

How I cope: When I find myself “time traveling”, I remind myself that the only time that matters is this very moment. My favorite mantras that bring me back into the present are one-word statements such as “Release” and simply “Now”. A more developed mantra might be something like “Life starts now”, “Everything I need in this moment already exists within me”, and “Life flows in me, through me, and out into the universe in every moment.”

Everything I need in this moment already exists within me.

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Each of these mantras serves me during times of stress or when I’m feeling lost or lacking clarity. These mantras and affirmations have evolved and expanded over time as I’ve done my own self-development work. I share them with my therapy clients, and then I encourage them to sit with whatever resonates with them, evolving the mantra to fit their needs.

2. Remind Myself That it is Okay to Not Be Hyperproductive

In general, I’m a super-achiever. Working therapeutically with entrepreneurs and being a small business owner myself, I have to hold this in mind and be careful not to project this neurosis onto other people, including my clients and associates. During periods of stress, we all function and cope differently, so why would now be any different?

How I cope: I start with trying to be a bit more compassionate and forgiving toward myself. Unless I’m more attuned to myself in the present moment, I’m usually not even aware of the self-critical or judgemental thoughts that I sometimes tell myself. We truly can be our own worst enemies. When this happens, I tell myself to turn up the volume on my self-awareness of my inner dialogue.

What am I telling myself? What would I say to a friend or loved one who’s experiencing similar guilt over productivity? Would you tell your friend to do more than what they feel they can right now?

This is the time to set aside behaving like a super human and just take good care of myself.

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Of course not! In practicing this, I treat myself as I would a friend and challenge self-defeating thoughts, especially those that include “shoulds” and “musts.” This is the time to set aside behaving like a super human and just take good care of myself.

3. Use Stillness as an Opportunity to Reset

Like most people before this crisis, I was suffering from a fair degree of burnout. I’ve been craving a moment to pause and catch my breath, and I’ve used this time to give myself permission to be still and appreciate the natural ebb and flow of life. I’ve also been in awe with the stillness and peace that I’ve found within Mother Nature. In all places, there is a restorative opportunity to use stillness to reset and take care of ourselves.

How I cope: Instead of dwelling on the negative, I remind myself of some of the positive outcomes of this quarantine. I’ve allowed myself to have quality time virtually connecting with family and loved ones, to pick up a neglected hobby or forgotten projects, and to simply give myself time to put unfulfilling tasks on pause, and breathe a bit deeper.

4. Embrace My Own Vulnerability

I’ve had profound moments of clarity in acknowledging my own vulnerability. I’ve found myself reflecting on how precious life is and how vulnerable life can be. When we’re open and vulnerable with others, it gives us an opportunity to feel heard and cared for.

When we’re open and vulnerable with others, it gives us an opportunity to feel heard and cared for.

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How I cope: I’ve been speaking more candidly with my therapy clients. As a therapist who was taught to always be a perfectly neutral “blank” slate, this shift has been refreshing, and has taken the work to a different level. In my private life, I’ve been sharing feelings with trusted friends, family, and even my own therapist. If my clients ask, I’ve chosen to share some of my personal experiences with them as we all find our way through this time. Even therapists aren’t superhuman, and I like to acknowledge that, yes, sometimes things are hard, and maybe we’re not doing this perfectly, but we’re doing our best.

By being vulnerable, I give others permission to speak openly, be seen and held, and receive a deeper, more humane and authentic level of support. It’s not always easy to be vulnerable, but this radical shift has reminded me that authenticity and demonstrating the vulnerability of my own humanity is worth it.

5. Practice Gratitude and Recognize Abundance

I take a few moments at the start of each day to consider all I have to be grateful for. It’s a wonderful way not only to take stock of my life, but to practice mindfulness, reduce anxiety, and increase the overall quality of my life.

How I cope: In order to not feel so weighed down during periods of stress or uncertainty, I take time to identify what I’m grateful for. Simply reframing my perspective and acknowledging the good around me is critical to staying balanced when things are tough. It’s so easy to get sucked in a doom-and-gloom mindset, and it’s important to have tools ready to challenge that mentality.

6. Focus on Breathing and Muscle Relaxation

I know from my studies that controlled breathing exercises can do some pretty amazing things. They can drastically reduce stress hormones and lactic acid flowing in your body, lower your blood pressure and heart rate, nudge blood flow back into equilibrium, improve immune function, and increase feelings of wellbeing. Even with this knowledge, though, I often forget to put these exercises into practice.

How I cope: When I’m stressed, I focus on the sensations in my body. I notice how my body tenses and my breathing becomes shallow. And when I’m relaxed, I pay attention to how my breathing becomes deeper and more restorative.

We each have the power to move out of distress patterns more quickly if we harness the power of our breath.

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We each have the power to move out of distress patterns more quickly if we harness the power of our breath. By consciously moving my breathing from my chest to my abdomen, using the diaphragm, I move the nervous system into parasympathetic mode, giving myself a chance to just “relax.” Right before bed—or while I’m in bed—I tense up my body and relax it, and then find some visualization to help soothe me. This can be especially effective for people who are anxious and stressed.

7. Demonstrate Small Acts of Kindness and Forgiveness

Every act of kindness in the world counts, and this is a time when the world needs such gestures more than ever. We should do all we can to demonstrate kindness to those around us, and to be conscientious of people who are at risk and vulnerable.

How I cope: I’ve discovered that demonstrating forgiveness for myself and others opens up my life tremendously. You must forgive any mistakes you’ve made and any resentment you feel toward others. You cannot feel any sort of self-love as long as you have a constant flow of negative thoughts.

Love is an act of will and consciousness. It’s not passive; it’s an active decision to see the goodness in yourself, others, and the world despite all its dysfunction.

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Love is an act of will and consciousness. It’s not passive; it’s an active decision to see the goodness in yourself, others, and the world despite all its dysfunction. I often ask myself the simple question, “What can I do to positively impact someone else’s life today?” Within my practice, I place therapists at the center of the work, because they’re the source through which this vital energy flows. Expanding further, I’ve tried my best to give each and every employee my reassurance that they will not be in jeopardy, the company will do whatever it can to take care of them, they will be paid, and their health comes first. I know that in taking care of them, they’ll be able to take care of their clients and their work, and I trust that I’ll be taken care of in return.

The Bottom Line on Coping Tips for Anxiety

It’s so easy to get sucked in a doom-and-gloom mindset, and it’s important to have tools ready to challenge that mentality. The good news is that there are actionable steps you can take today to ground and soothe yourself. We each need to create our own recipes, but if you’re struggling, experiment with each of these techniques to see which ones fit.

Your Turn: What ways have you found to relax and cope with your anxiety? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.

D

Depression is a very real mental health disorder that can rob you of your joy, sense of worth, and purpose. As a therapist, I work with clients from all different walks of life who experience depression. Contrary to popular belief, even individuals who appear to “have it all” and are quite successful by society’s standards, aren’t necessarily immune to depression.

I provide guidance to help my clients get to the root of their depression, challenge negative belief systems, while learning strategies that improve how they cope with stress, sadness, and disappointment. As a result of our work together, my clients are able to lead healthier, happier lives where they feel more grounded and at ease. 

While therapy is wonderfully effective, I understand that many people don’t have access to the necessary treatment, and even for some who do, they may not be willing to take that step to seek help. 

The choice to seek professional help is just that, a choice, and a highly personal one at that.

If you’re not quite ready to speak to a professional regarding depression, you don’t need to suffer in silence. Believe it or not, reading can be a powerful tool in combating depression: The right books can not only help you learn coping techniques, but they can also help normalize your experience, helping to alleviate mental stress or pain. In fact, bibliotherapy, or the practice of using books as treatment for mental health concerns, has been implemented by doctors.

Below find 5 of my top books on combating depression (along with other struggles):

5 Self-Help Books for Depression

1. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.
2. The Mindful Way Through Depression – Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness.
3. The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time.
4.  I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.
5.  A Mind of Your Own: The Truth About Depression and How Women Can Heal Their Bodies to Reclaim Their Lives. 

1.  Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns

Feeling Good is written by David D. Burns, M.D., a psychiatrist with decades of clinical experience. The book has sold more than 4 million copies and holds the title of the “most prescribed self-help book” for people struggling with depression.

2. The Mindful Way Through Depression – Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness

By Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn

The Mindful Way Through Depression is a testament to mindfulness as a legitimate and effective treatment approach to mental disorders. Medication is an option, but learning to be in the moment is a powerful and often overlooked method of coping with life difficulties and reducing mental tension.

If you’re not quite ready to speak to a professional regarding depression, you don’t need to suffer in silence.
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3. The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time  

By Alex Korb, Ph.D.

Korb’s scientific approach to self-help empowers readers by arming them with concrete knowledge of how their brains work. He explains that depressed people are not broken—their brains are simply wired differently—and with the tools to reprogram our thinking we can make real change toward happiness, with or without medication.

4.  I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

By Terrance Real

With dozens of case studies on men and depression, this self-help book delves into the difference between male and female depression. Traditionally, men have been emotionally stifled by societal expectations of gender roles. Real’s book opens the floor for a deeper discussion on male mental health.

any5.  A Mind of Your Own: The Truth About Depression and How Women Can Heal Their Bodies to Reclaim Their Lives.

By Kelly Brogan, M.D., and Kristin Loberg

Brogan and Loberg take a feminist approach, arguing that women are often over-prescribed antidepressants. They recommend holistic efforts and a 30-day approach to healing issues such as depression, panic, grief, and more.

Additional Resources for Depression

Check out an additional reading list for more books that shine a light on depression here. Please keep in mind that these resources are not intended to serve as a replacement for treatment with a trained professional. If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis or suicidal thoughts, please contact 911 immediately or reach out to a crisis hotline that’s available 24/7. 

If you’re interested in exploring what therapy might look like with a psychotherapist who specializes in depression, fill out our Therapist Matching Questionnaire. Share your preferences and you’ll receive personalized therapist matches based on your desired criteria directly to your inbox within 72 hours. All of our therapists provide complimentary phone consultations. This gives you the chance to speak with the therapist, ask any questions, and see if it feels like a good fit before making a decision to start therapy. 

Your Turn: Did we miss a book? Let us know in the comments below if you have any recommendations to share. 

What is generalized anxiety? First and foremost, it’s important to understand that it’s completely normal to experience occasional anxiety. From public speaking to test-taking, we all have different things that make us worry and anxious. Anxiety becomes an issue when it begins to interfere with your daily life in an excessive and irrational way.

Generalized Anxiety is a real disorder, just like any physical one, and it’s very common in the United States. Typically, those dealing with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) experience persistent, excessive, and what seems like uncontrollable anxiety. If you think you may suffer from Generalized Anxiety, ask yourself: “Is my anxiety interfering with daily activities?”

Anxiety is treatable, and there are exercises that can help you manage and reduce some of its symptoms. Here are a few tips to help you get started:

How to Cope With Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety

Tip 1. Breathing Exercises
Tip 2. Break the Cycle
Tip 3. Psychotherapy and Medication

Tip 1. Breathing Exercises

A great way to cope with all forms of anxiety is with mindfulness exercises. Mindful breathing in particular has shown positive results. And it’s just as straightforward as it sounds.

When you begin experiencing anxious feelings or thoughts, take a moment to find a calm place where you can sit. Close your eyes and take deep, long breaths, focusing only on the breath. Feel it rise and fall in your chest or abdomen, or pay attention to how the air feels as it passes through your nostrils or lips.

Whenever you feel your mind begin to wander or thoughts rush in, return to the breath. You can even do this when you’re not feeling anxious. It can be done at any time: after waking up, before going to bed, or even on the subway. Although this may seem simple, it can often be a challenging exercise because of the focus it requires, but with practice it can be a very rewarding experience. Many therapists use this technique and even have training in mindfulness-based therapy (which includes more than breathing).

While psychotherapy alone can often reduce anxiety, the combination of psychotherapy and medication helps many of those suffering from anxiety.

Tip 2. Break the Cycle

Anxiety is often a result of a maladaptive pattern of behaviors or thoughts. People usually describe the feeling as a downward spiral—once they begin feeling anxious, there’s no turning back. But it’s possible to break this cycle. When anxiety hits, prevent it from getting worse by taking a walk and getting some air, doing a breathing exercise, working out, or doing anything that helps you destress.

Tip 3. Psychotherapy and Medication

The exercises mentioned above have shown to have a significant, positive impact on anxiety. And while psychotherapy alone can often reduce anxiety, the combination of psychotherapy and medication (usually prescribed by a psychiatrist) helps many of those suffering from anxiety.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is one type of therapy that’s frequently used to treat anxiety, which is a relatively short-term therapy. If you feel that therapy is not enough, consider talking to your therapist about the possibility of medication. Psychotherapists often have referrals to local psychiatrists, which can take some of the burden off of the client to find a psychiatrist on their own.

Your Turn: Do you experience unpleasant symptoms related to generalized anxiety? What coping methods have you found success with? Share what’s worked for you in the comments below.

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.

In today’s soundbite world, more people are depressed than ever before, yet they often hide in the shadows.

Dealing with depression can be difficult and even debilitating at times, so how do you know if someone is coping with hidden depression?

The symptoms can be subtle and often difficult to identify. This guide will help you learn how to spot the signs that someone may be depressed so you can take action.

Tell-Tale Symptoms of Hidden Depression

1. Fatigue and Lethargy
2. Avoidance
3. Hidden Depression and Workaholics
4. Intense Feelings
5. Too Much Focus on Others

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1. Fatigue and Lethargy

Maybe someone you know was once a “go-getter,” but you’ve noticed that lately they seem more tired than usual. Fatigue is a common sign of depression that’s often mistaken for simply being sleepy.

If you know someone who seems constantly tired or has a marked lack of energy, they could be dealing with hidden depression. The condition can be emotionally exhausting, which often leads people to be extremely fatigued.

If you ask someone how they’re feeling and it’s always met with, “I’m just so tired,” it could be a red flag.

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It’s completely normal to feel sluggish after a rough night with little sleep. But if someone seems consistently tired all the time, it may be a sign of an underlying problem.

Occasional lethargy and tiredness are normal, but chronic fatigue can be related to mental problems, physical problems, or both. If you ask someone how they’re feeling and it’s always met with, “I’m just so tired,” it could be a red flag.

2. Avoidance

Whether it’s canceling plans or staying away from social situations, avoidance is another sign that someone might be depressed. If someone you know is usually the life of the party but they seem to be withdrawing, this could be a result of depression.

People who are depressed will likely isolate themselves from friends, family members, and coworkers. If you notice someone pulling away, it could be a sign that something is seriously wrong.

Another sign of avoidance is when you ask someone how they’re feeling and they simply don’t want to discuss it. Hidden depression is just that: a condition where the person hides their problems, either on purpose or unknowingly.

If you can’t get the person to open up, consult the help of others who may be able to break the walls down. Isolation can make depression a lot worse, and they’ll need a good support system to help them through the recovery process.

3. Hidden Depression and Workaholics

This one might surprise you, but many people choose to concentrate on their work as a means to deal with depression. If someone is staying late at the office or not taking personal calls due to work, it may be an issue.

Workaholics barely rest, and they tend to put their job and career over everything else. This is a coping mechanism that allows them to re-focus on something menial or that doesn’t require any emotion.

Another sign is if the person stops finding pleasure or joy in the things they normally would. This condition is known as anhedonia, and it’s another way depressed people try to cope with their condition without being overly obvious.

Working hard certainly has its merits, but when it’s getting in the way of life it can become a serious problem. Pay close attention to people you know who have suddenly taken a stronger, more serious interest in their work and who are starting to avoid social gatherings and interactions.

Revealing that you’re in pain can be embarrassing for some people, and when they focus on helping others, it serves as a distraction.

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4. Intense Feelings

While there’s certainly nothing wrong with emotions, depressed people may express their anger or irritability in a much more intense way. If a friend is normally quiet and passive and suddenly they’re prone to angry outbursts, this is definitely a red flag.

Even a small inconvenience might send this person into a tirade or fit of anger. If this behavior is not normally like them, there’s certainly a serious cause for concern.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, some with depression may feel things much more deeply than others. For example, if a sad commercial comes on, the person may burst into tears.

Depression can make everything seem much more intense than it really is. This shows itself through a person’s reactions and emotional scale.

Sometimes, people may go from a fit of laughter to feelings of despair in minutes. If you witness this behavior, there’s no doubt that something much more complex is happening within them.

5. Too Much Focus on Others

When a person is depressed, it’s much easier for them to redirect their focus onto others. And while caring for other people is certainly admirable, they may be doing so at their own expense.

Depressed people may genuinely care about other people, but they tend to do so at a much more intense level. This is a mechanism that allows them to put up a wall so they don’t let others see their vulnerability.

If someone is going out of their way to help others but refuses to accept help for themselves, it may be a sign that they have hidden depression. Check on your friends and make sure they’re getting the help they need, too.

Revealing that you’re in pain can be embarrassing for some people, and when they focus on helping others, it serves as a distraction. Ask your friends or family how they are feeling often, and see if they are overwhelmed. If the answer is yes, don’t be afraid to extend a helping hand.

Help is Available

Hidden depression is more common than you might think, but that doesn’t mean that help is hard to find. Reach out to the people you love and check on them frequently.

Look for the signs that someone might be depressed so you can be a better listener and friend.

Contact us today to schedule an appointment and explore some of our other information on mental health and wellness on this site.

A version of this post originally appeared on our sister site, NYC Therapy + Wellness.

Relaxation techniques are helpful strategies that you can implement to reduce stress and anxiety. For some, these techniques may be useful for managing unpleasant symptoms associated with panic attacks.

Relaxation techniques work by helping our body to manage the fight-or-flight response of our sympathetic nervous system. When this system is triggered it sends a signal to our brain that we’re in danger when in fact we may just be sitting on our couch.

Relaxation techniques work by helping our body to manage the fight-or-flight response of our sympathetic nervous system.

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Relaxation techniques have a calming effect on the body because they promote a physiological transition from our “fight or flight” state to our “rest and digest” state. As a result, anxiety and uncomfortable physical symptoms such as rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, perspiration or hot flashes, and negative and intrusive thoughts gradually subside.

It’s important to practice these relaxation techniques even when you are not feeling particularly anxious in order to get the most benefit. This helps re-train our brain and body back to a ‘baseline’ state that’s calm and not flooded with cortisol.

There is no single “best” technique. The best relaxation technique is simply the one that you’ve discovered works best for you, so choose one that appeals to you and can be easily incorporated into your lifestyle.

Try to practice some of these for several minutes each day if you can. By establishing this habit, you’ll have your go-to set of techniques ready to use whenever panic or anxiety arise.

7 Effective relaxation techniques to manage stress & anxiety

1. Guided meditation
2. Envision yourself radiating good energy
3. Pick-a-mantra
4. Progressive muscle relaxation
5. Simply smiling can enhance your mood
6. Controlled breath work
7. Therapy

1. Guided meditation

Guided meditation is clear, and simple. Most people feel overwhelmed when they’re faced with the prospect of having to just sit down and relax so this form of meditation can provide structure for people who feel like they need guidance and focus.

Additionally, there is something very powerful and almost primal about listening to a soothing, caring, and reassuring voice that makes us feel less alone. It’s like having the maternal or paternal voice inside our heads that we needed growing up. Having a benevolent voice guiding you shifts you into a relaxed state where you are in a more receptive mode.

This guided tutorial style also allows you to adopt more of a student role with the guided voice being your psycho-spiritual teacher.

2. Envision yourself radiating good energy

This imaginative relaxation technique requires you to be creative and imagine yourself when you are most safe, self-assured, charismatic, and in a state of flow with a better version of yourself.

Start by envisioning the person that you would have to be–the things you would have to say, the way you would have to present yourself, how you treat people–and conjure up the personality type you would need to embody in order to experience this life.

As you do this, you spend time breathing in this new image of yourself and expanding into this version of yourself so that this energy pattern becomes more of your new normal. It’s almost as if you’re imprinting this onto your psyche.

The best relaxation technique is the one that you use, so choose one that appeals to you and can be easily incorporated into your lifestyle.

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3. Pick-a-mantra

Personal mantras are an excellent way to focus on and reaffirm relaxing emotional experiences. Start by picking some kind of focus affirmation that you can proclaim as your own and reaffirm it within yourself. Pick one that resonates and feels most natural to you.

You have your own unique voice and innate wisdom, so use this to create your own special recipe. Whatever combination of words feels most right to you, then that’s the mantra that you should be rehearsing in your mind.

Some of my favorites during times of stress are statements like “Release,” “Relax,” “Life starts now,” “Everything I need already exists within me,” and “Life flows in me and through me and out into the world.”

Your mantra or affirmation should evolve and expand over time to fit what is really best suited for you in any given moment and when confronted with any given circumstance.

4. Progressive muscle relaxation

There’s a few ways you can use progressive muscle relaxation as an effective relaxation technique.

One way is to start at your toes and progressively work your way up by tensing and then releasing each muscle group in your body: from your toes to your calves, to your thighs, to your midsection, your trunk up into your chest, your arms, fingers, neck and finally in your face and the crown of your head.

A lot of people hold tension in various parts of their body and so if you can deliberately focus your attention on where your muscles are constricted or rigid, you can slowly tense and relax these muscle groups so you enter into a more relaxed state.

Try when you’re in bed to tense up your body for 10 seconds and then relax it. You can also add some visualization to deepen the effects of this exercise. Envision yourself physically releasing or letting go in a safe or beautiful place.

In essence, you can trick your brain into being happy, lower your heart rate, increase serotonin and endorphin levels, and boost your health.

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5. Simply smiling can enhance your mood

Believe it or not, the simple act of smiling can create a neurological cascade of positive feelings. In essence, you can trick your brain into being happy, lower your heart rate, increase serotonin and endorphin levels, and boost your health, even if it is a “forced” smile.

We’re not endorsing “faking it till you make it”—that’s a form of denial. We never want to be in denial. That being said, smiling is an easy way to create a counterbalance to stress and can shift your energy in stressful moments.

Try and spend 30-60 seconds gently smiling every morning and throughout your day to supercharge your mood.

6. Controlled breath work is a gamechanger

When we are stressed, our breathing slows and becomes shallow. And when we are relaxed, our breathing is deep and restorative. Luckily, you have the power to move out of this distress pattern more quickly if you harness the power of your breath.

Controlled breathing exercises can drastically reduce the stress hormones and lactic acid flowing in your body, lower your blood pressure and heart rate, nudge blood flow back into equilibrium, improve immune functioning, and increase feelings of wellbeing.

By consciously moving your breathing from your chest to your abdominal areas, breathing using the diaphragm, you move the nervous system into parasympathetic mode, you give yourself a chance to just “relax”.

7. Therapy

Therapy can help you develop each of these practices By simply giving yourself that 45 minutes or an hour to be with another human being who is interested and invested in you, and is there to reassure you that, in spite of all of the life’s stress and anxiety, that you got this.

Whether through visualization exercises or physiological methods to help you balance your sympathetic nervous system, these relaxation techniques can help you better manage your stress and anxiety. Try to implement a variety of these practical relaxation techniques and notice the difference in how you feel afterwards.

Your Turn: What techniques do you use to relax and relieve anxiety? Let me know in the comments below!