D o you ever find it difficult to say “no”? Are you so worried about upsetting other people that your needs go unmet? You may often feel like it’s your job to make everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many of us have a fear of displeasing others, and this fear may be so deeply rooted that we don’t realize how harmful it can be to our health and happiness.

People pleasing is a theme that often comes up with clients in our therapy sessions. I’ve often had clients share, whether it was at work, with friends, or in romantic relationships, they would say “yes” when they really wanted to say “no.” Perhaps you can relate to this common experience. Maybe you find yourself doing things that aren’t enjoyable or healthy, just because other people expect you to, or because it makes them happy.

And let’s face facts: We all have some of this in us. However, being too nice and accommodating others can ultimately lead to burnout—and not just physical exhaustion but an emotional exhaustion due to feeling stretched too thin and underappreciated by others. If this rings true for you, maybe it’s worth taking a step back to examine some of these behaviors.

Do you know how to tell if you’re a people pleaser? In this blog post we’ll look at some key signs and behavior patterns that could indicate that you have people pleasing tendencies, and what to do about it.

How to tell if you’re a people pleaser: common signs

1. You often feel responsible for making everyone happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

Many people feel pressure to make others happy, and for good reason. We’re living in a society where we’re encouraged to take care of each other, and that means being there when someone needs us and making sure that they feel loved and cared for. This may come in the form of obvious pressure from your boss, partner, or family members, or more subtle, unspoken norms that you feel you need to live up to.

One way to tell if you’re a people pleaser can look like an extreme preoccupation with other people’s moods. For example, instead of enjoying the party you’re hosting, perhaps you’re overly concerned about others having a good time, and spend your time hyper-focused on being the perfect host. To an extent, this is normal and may make you a great party planner and all-around conscientious person. However, if anxiety about others enjoying themselves prevents you from being present enough to enjoy your own party, it may be a sign of people pleasing.

Feeling overly responsible for others can also leave you feeling like you’re constantly on duty—you may feel like you have to be there for everyone else, all the time. And when you put so much pressure on yourself to be available for others, it can become difficult to honor your own emotions or deal with your own problems without feeling guilty or like you’re letting someone else down. 

2. You feel guilty when you say no.

3. You often feel like you need to be liked by everyone.

It’s natural and normal to want to be liked by others. However, people pleasers often struggle with this above and beyond what’s healthy. Some people may feel like they need to be liked by everyone in order to be accepted and included in a certain group or social circle. You may feel like you must be liked by everyone because deep down, even unconsciously, you experience nagging feelings of inadequacy, or not feeling good enough as you are. 

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks however, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as well as feelings of guilt or shame when you don’t meet the expectations of others. Additionally, it can lead to you feeling like you can’t make decisions for yourself or that you need to please everyone. 

Here are a few ways you can shift your focus internally if you find yourself seeking external validation:

• • Take time to practice self-care and self-compassion. 

  • Remind yourself of your worth and values. 

  • Practice positive affirmations and self-talk.

  • Accept yourself as a unique individual and recognize your strengths.

  • Focus on developing meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and trust.

  • Set clear boundaries with others and be assertive when necessary.

  • Create achievable goals and celebrate accomplishments.

  • Prioritize your own needs and feelings over those of others.

4. You’re overly worried about what other people will think of you.

If you’re a people pleaser, then you’re probably concerned about what other people will think of you. You might be worried about what they’ll think of your choices and actions, or if they’ll like what you have to say. You also might feel like an impostor around certain groups or individuals because they make such an effortless impression on others–and this makes it difficult for them to see who they truly are behind their masks (or chameleons).

You aren’t your authentic self because you’re afraid you won’t be accepted for who you truly are. Furthermore, you may even find yourself going above and beyond your physical, emotional, or financial means to please others, even if it means sacrificing your own wellbeing. Do any of these things resonate with you?

5. You often find yourself in situations where you are over-rehearsed and overexcited, trying to make a good impression on others.

You try to be the best version of yourself for other people. You want them to like you and think that you’re interesting and fun, smart, a good person and a good listener. Again, this is normal behavior to an extent, so it’s up to you to decide where you fall in terms of people-pleasing. For example, do you find you’re often preoccupied or over-rehearsed for conversations because you want everything that comes out of your mouth to be perfect?

Relying primarily on the validation and approval from others has its drawbacks, since it can create an unhealthy reliance on other people.

Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser may be that you find yourself rehearsing what people could ask or say next so that there is no awkward silence or confusion about what’s going on in their heads at any given moment during conversation with you.

A common example may be during a job interview. The people pleaser is so over-rehearsed and over excited that they start talking too much, giving too much detail and trying to prove their worth to the employer. Responses may seem canned and unnatural, as if the person has memorized a script versus responding authentically. They may also come across as too eager to please, agreeing to anything the employer suggests and not expressing their own opinion. Another way to tell if you’re a people pleaser could look like dressing or presenting yourself in a way that doesn’t feel authentic in order to ensure you appeal to a certain person, audience, or group of people.

How can I stop being a people pleaser and build confidence?

So, you identify with some (or all) of the above behavior patterns of people-pleasing. This is a positive thing! The first step to transformative behavior change is recognizing the patterns that no longer serve you. Now that you recognize some of the behaviors causing you grief, here are some positive actions you can take:

1. Learn how to set effective boundaries: The first step in learning how to stop being a people pleaser is to set effective boundaries. As mentioned above, this can often take a bit of practice as you learn to say no to requests and expectations that go beyond what you’re willing to do. It can be pretty comfortable at first, and that’s okay!

2. Know your values: Knowing your values will help you to make decisions that are right for you. When you know what is important to you, it will be easier to say no to those requests that don’t fit with your values. Take a moment to uncover your values and get to the heart of who you are.

3. Focus on yourself: As we touched on, people pleasing can sometimes stem from a lack of self-esteem. Focusing on your own needs and interests rather than trying to please others can help shift your focus internally. This includes learning how to acknowledge your own emotions and feelings and be mindful of them, as well as prioritizing your own needs and interests over those of others.

4. Practice self-care: Take time to focus on yourself, your feelings and needs. Creating a sustainable self-care practice you enjoy can help alleviate stress, and improve your self-esteem and confidence.

5. Build your self-confidence: Build your self-confidence by setting small goals that you can achieve and then praising yourself for your successes. Check out 9 tips for boosting your self confidence.

6. Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend or family member, and others who identify as people pleasers can help you to gain the confidence to examine your behaviors and stop people-pleasing. Read lessons learned from recovering people pleasers, and connect with like minded individuals.

7. Practice makes perfect: Visualize and practice the things that are challenging for you. For example, you might practice saying no to someone and work through what comes up. Making a game plan and practicing your approach with a trusted friend or therapist can help you gain confidence in these new skills and work through uncomfortable feelings that may arise. Check out PsychCentral’s guilt-free guide to saying no.

So, you can tell you’re a people pleaser. What’s next?

People pleasing behaviors can be hard to break out of and can impact your wellbeing, sense of self, and lead to burnout. It can take time to learn how to set healthy boundaries, build confidence, and stop looking to others for validation and approval. If this sounds like you or someone you know, you’re not alone and you don’t have to stay stuck in a pattern of behaviors that feel self-defeating. 

Therapy can help you become aware of your triggers and behavior patterns, recognize when you’re people pleasing, and work on developing and practicing healthier behaviors. With the help from a trusted professional and along with self-reflection, you can learn to become more confident, live more authentically, and foster relationships that are genuine, reciprocal and fulfilling. If you’re interested in learning more, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today.

If you’re not ready to start therapy, there are other steps you can take, too. Along with the positive behaviors outlined above, self-help books on the topic can be immensely enlightening as well. Best wishes on your journey of self-exploration, wherever it may take you. 

Your Turn: Do you identify with any of the people-pleasing qualities listed above? What’s helped you break free from behaviors that don’t serve you? Share your experience in the comments below.

Fear directs survival. A lot of fears are very rational: not only do they make sense, but they serve a critically important function of keeping us alive. For instance, if you’re afraid of heights, you will probably stay away from mountains and therefore reduce your risk of dying by falling off a cliff.

Fear is a natural and healthy reaction to danger. Some fear can be beneficial, but persistent fear can be debilitating- even life-threatening. We can learn to better manage our fear by understanding the flight/fight process of the nervous system, and how this process impacts the brain and body. Learning how to heal after a traumatic experience will help you take control over fear, so fear stops controlling you.

When humans are exposed to real threat to life- physical harm, childhood abuse or neglect, violence, sexual assault, or systematic oppression, your brain shifts in how it prioritizes fear. You become hyper-attuned to threats. When you don’t have adequate support after exposure to threat, this hyper-focus becomes semi-permanent. It’s an extended symptom to keep you on high alert to future threats.

When this experience happens often or with great intensity, more and more resources are directed towards your survival mechanisms. The number one job of the nervous system is to protect your survival by any means necessary. Unfortunately, complex trauma rewires us to be hyper-focused on staying safe. Your nervous system becomes so overloaded with messages of threat that it comes unreliable and unpredictable. You feel fear everywhere, while also losing your ability to tolerate the fear. You can become so scared you actually lose the capacity to keep yourself safe.

What is complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD)?

This slow pressure of threat on the nervous system is the main crux of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (also known as C-PTSD). C-PTSD results from repeated and prolonged exposure to traumatic events. It’s characterized by a range of symptoms such as difficulty regulating emotions, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, difficulty in relationships, and an altered sense of self. C-PTSD is distinct from PTSD in that it involves multiple traumatic events and a longer duration of exposure.

C-PTSD is most often diagnosed among people who have been victims of prolonged, repetitive trauma. It’s most commonly found in those who have experienced childhood abuse or neglect; domestic violence; and sexual assault.

Coping with C-PTSD

The impact of trauma on the brain, emotions, and behavior. 

Trauma can have a profound effect on the brain, emotions, and behavior. Traumatic events can cause changes in brain chemistry and structure, leading to changes in behavior and emotional reactions. These changes can range from difficulty concentrating and problems with memory to feeling detached from reality, increased anxiety and depression, and changes in personality.

Some people may also have difficulty regulating emotions, become more aggressive or impulsive, or have difficulty establishing close relationships. Trauma can also lead to an increased risk of physical health problems, substance abuse, and self-harming behaviors. Coping with C-PTSD poses its own set of challenges, and can be further complicated if an individual doesn’t have a support network or trusted individuals to lean on.

The following are some common ways that trauma can affect one’s ability to function:

• • Memory problems – forgetting things more than usual, difficulty paying attention, or completing tasks.

  • Anxiety or panic attacks – feeling like your emotions or bodily sensations are out of your control.

  • Depression – feeling hopefulness, sad or not enjoying activities you normally enjoy.

  • Hypervigilance – feeling on edge or fearful in your day to day life, despite lack of actual threat.

  • Heightened startle response – exaggerated response to unexpected stimuli, especially sounds, that can feel intense and long-lasting (i.e.jumping at the sound of an ambulance siren, feeling physical sensations like heart palpitations, sweaty palms, or anxiety that takes awhile to dissipate).

  • Intrusive thoughts – Image-based memory is also tied to fear, along with belief systems. Your brain will prioritize these, earmarked as “urgent” increasing the frequency in which you experience negative thoughts and intrusive memories.

  • Depersonalization/Derealization – feeling disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, or surroundings. You may experience yourself as an outside observer of your own life or experience a sense of unreality or dreamlike state, as if you’re living in a fog. 

How does fear impact the nervous system?

What are the 10 fear responses?

1. Fight- I can beat the bear
2. Flight- I can escape the bear
3. Freeze- I can hide from the bear
4. Flounder- I attempt self defense but struggle
5. Fawn- I can please the bear
6. Friend- I can become the bear
7. Fright- I can scare the bear
8. Flop- I can submit to the bear
9. Faint- I can detach from the bear
10. Face- I can control my response to the bear

How fear hijacks the nervous system’s threat response.

When faced with fear, your responses change based on your perceived ability to beat the threat, your ability to escape the threat, or your ability to evade harm. When you see the bear, a subconscious judgment is made and then a response is activated. This response is then either strengthened or changed based on your actual experiences.

Fear is a normal reaction to trauma, and is your body’s way of protecting itself from danger – real or perceived.

The more your system learns it has no power over the threat, the more it shifts down into helplessness. Chronic activation of fear, especially fear that led to actual harm or danger, can disrupt the way your nervous system regulates. Living with C-PTSD, you might stop feeling fearful at all, you might experience numbness or dissociation, or you might experience intense depressive episodes. For other people, you may be able to maintain elevated responses, where you find yourself activated constantly. Most people bounce between these two states.

People who have experienced trauma may see bears everywhere, literally. This is because the amygdala- or the fear center of the brain– has adapted to see bears even when there aren’t any. Studies show that people coping with C-PTSD have amygdalas which are unable to recognize the difference between a threat in the past and a current threat. This means that if you’re reminded of a past experience, it’s as if you’re experiencing the traumatic event for the first time. This phenomenon is designed to keep you in a state of self-defense even when there is nothing to defend against. Our brain is trying to keep us safe, but it’s actually hurting us.

With complex trauma disorders, the amygdala has become hyperactive. You might experience a trigger or emotional flashback by something completely unrelated to your trauma. This is because the amygdala also hijacks most emotional processing- meaning fear gets woven into almost all of your experiences- even post-trauma experience. Emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and memories can all become tainted by fear. This is made more complicated due to the under-active prefrontal cortex.

So while your amygdala is overreacting to nonexistent threats, your prefrontal cortex (the rational, decision-making area of the brain) isn’t assessing threats as well as it should be. Having an underactive prefrontal cortex can mean slow learning of new information (which may help how you respond to fear), logical thinking, and having a harder time controlling your fear response.

assessing threat and coping with c-ptsd

Learn how to distinguish ‘real threat’ from ‘perceived threat.’

How to improve coping with C-PTSD and managing fear

Fear is a normal reaction to trauma, it’s your body’s way of protecting itself from danger (or perceived danger). It can be managed consciously and by taking steps to reduce stress and anxiety.

You do this through repeated practice of regulating our reactions to stress, seeing it like a form of physical therapy for your nervous system. We can’t stop the train from leaving the station- our nervous system is reflexive and autopilot shifts on easily. Coping with C-PTSD means that we can catch the train quicker, slow it down quicker, and rope it back into the station more effectively.

Here are things you can do that will help you feel safer when you’re feeling fearful, including:

• • Practice mindful breathing: Take slow, deep breaths, focusing on your breath and trying to relax your body.

  • Practice progressive muscle relaxation: Slowly tense and relax each muscle group in your body, starting with your feet and working up to your head.

  • Engage in activities or grounding exercises that you find calming or enjoyable: Try yoga, meditation, or even just going for a walk in nature.

  • If possible, remove yourself or take a break from whatever situation makes you feel anxious until your nervous system calms down.

  • Take care of  your basic needs and your health make sure you are: eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, engaging in activities you enjoy (like drawing, socializing, or playing music)

  • Challenge your negative thought patterns: Identify the negative thoughts that come up when you feel fear and challenge them with positive, more realistic thoughts.

  • Talk to friends and family: Sharing your experiences with someone can be a great way to reduce fear reactions and build a support system.

  • Seek professional help: If your fear reactions are persistent and affecting your quality of life, it might be beneficial to speak to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in working with people who’ve experienced trauma.

learn the signs of your fear responses to retrain your nervous system

When you can reduce the fear reactions you experience when NO threat is present, you’re retraining your nervous system to become more accurate and less reactive. This triggers a slow but important domino effect where your thoughts are less connected to fear, your emotions are less connected to fear, and your behaviors are less driven by fear.

The result is that you’re in better control of your physical symptoms, you improve your self-care, and begin to feel more present in life. When we aren’t motored by worry, we have space for more emotions and can experience true safety.

Here are some things you can do when you’re not in a fearful state to begin to retrain the nervous system:

• • What were the real threats, or your “bears?” How did you respond to stay safe? Why was this most likely the safest way to react to the bear?
  • Identify any coping mechanisms or strategies that may no longer be serving you.
  • What is a non-threat that triggers fear? Can you notice and manage symptoms that come up? Why does this feel so much like a bear?

Healing from C-PTSD is possible

The journey toward healing and recovery from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a process. There is no one size fits all approach, and it can be particularly challenging when you’re working on your own. You need to be patient with yourself, but also know that it’s okay if you need help from others along the way.

Coping with Complex-PTSD and learning how to heal is ideal in the presence of a trained trauma therapist. A trauma-informed therapist can help give you the necessary tools to practice soothing yourself out of fear, and help you distinguish between real and perceived threats. If you’re ready to take control of your own safety and stop living in fear, reach out to begin the process of healing with trauma therapy today.

Your Turn: What were your bears? How did you respond to stay safe? How have you let go of fear-based behaviors that are no longer serving you?

Receiving Higher Levels of Care (HLOC) is a necessary step for many people in their healing journey, but it can often be difficult transitioning back into everyday life. The transition from residential placement, inpatient care, or an intensive outpatient program (IOP) back to outpatient treatment can feel scary and intimidating. Your treatment program likely provided a reliable structure and added support to your routine. Some people often find it helpful to have a supportive network ready to help them or their loved ones navigate this transition.

Group therapy is a great option if you’ve just completed an IOP or inpatient treatment and are looking for extra support and accountability. Groups can help you build supportive relationships and share experiences with others who can relate to your experience. Group therapy also offers a safe space for individuals to learn new skills and challenge any negative thought patterns or destructive behaviors.

A support group that fits your specific needs is likely a great resource in your aftercare plan post treatment. However, unlike member-run support groups, group therapists have the necessary qualifications, training, and clinical knowledge to provide guidance, targeted support, and accountability to help you along your emotional wellness journey.

How can group therapy help someone leaving an intensive outpatient program (IOP) or inpatient treatment program?

Group therapy acts as a structured yet open forum to discuss personal experiences and challenges. Many group members find that over time, what they practice and experience within the group has a direct impact on their thoughts, feelings and behaviors outside the group, in their day-to-day lives.

With the guidance of a trained professional in a group setting, you may expect to:
 

1. Share and receive support and feedback among other group members
2. Developing skills to better handle stress and enhance communication
3. Learn and practice new effective coping strategies and techniques
4. Identify and better understand triggers of distress
5. Experience increased empathy and insight into personal and collective issues
6. Work towards your own personal growth 
7. Explore unhelpful thoughts, feelings and behaviors
8. Create meaningful connections with others
9. Develop healthier relationships with yourself and others

we offer virtual group therapy options for dbt and trauma

Dialectical Behavior Skills (DBT) Group, Trauma Skills Group, and a Trauma Processing Group.

Groups meet online once a week with one or two therapists and between 6-15 members who are seeking care for similar challenges. You’ll be guided through exercises and interventions, and engage in active group discussions. The overall flow of the session and group therapy activities carried out will be largely dependent on the style and the goals of the group.

Dialectical Behavior Skills (DBT) Group –Tuesdays 5pm-6:30pm 

Our DBT skills group is an open group (meaning group members can come and go at any time) of 3-15 members. You’ll learn new techniques to better manage stress, cope with negative feelings, and improve your relationships. You can expect to deepen your emotional understanding of yourself, while improving how you communicate and relate to others. You’ll learn about and build four major skills of DBT:

• • Interpersonal Effectiveness– improve relationships, communication, and conflict management

     

  • Mindfulness– learn to be present and more engaged in life while accepting yourself without judgment

     

  • Emotion Regulation– recognize and express feelings in healthier ways while feeling greater control over your emotions

     

  • Distress Tolerance– manage crisis and extreme experiences of stress through the use of coping skills

     

Mindfulness is the practice of learning
to be present and more engaged in life, while accepting yourself without judgment.

Trauma Skills Group – Wednesdays 5pm-6:30pm

If you’ve experienced trauma, we recommend starting with our trauma skills group to improve how you cope with unpleasant trauma symptoms. This is a closed group, which means it has the same members for the full 10 weeks.

You’ll learn effective coping skills to manage traumatic stress and gain knowledge about trauma’s impact on your thoughts, feelings, behaviors and relationships. In this group you can expect to feel heard and seen while healing through support from others who have also experienced trauma.

Trauma Processing Group – Saturdays 9:30am-11am

Once you gain the foundational skills, we encourage you to join our trauma processing group to begin your journey towards healing. This is an open group which consists of 3-10 members.

You’ll learn how to build trust, feel less shame, and work through difficult emotions as you share your story with the guidance of a trained professional. You can expect to deepen your self-awareness, gain new perspectives, and foster a sense of connection and community with others in a safe space.

Group therapy has been shown to be effective in treating a wide range of mental health concerns including:

Anger issues – Group therapy can provide a safe space to discuss and effectively manage anger.

Social anxiety – Group therapy can help participants build confidence, support each other in difficult social scenarios and decrease fear of judging.

Grief and loss – Group therapy can provide a sense of community and understanding, help people better understand the bereavement process and support those struggling to cope with the loss of a loved one.

Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) – Group therapy can help people process and cope with traumatic life experiences, increase assertiveness, and learn strategies for regulated emotional responses.

Depression – Group therapy provides a supportive environment for individuals to gain insight into their negative thought patterns, discuss their feelings and learn problem-solving strategies to cope with depression.

Eating disorders – Group therapy can help individuals develop healthy attitudes and behaviors towards food and eating, increase understanding of their triggers and the causes of their disordered eating, and learn comprehensive methods of coping with their symptoms.

Substance abuse – Group therapy can aid individuals to identify patterns leading to substance abuse, recognize and control destructive triggers, develop social and recreational activities to replace substance usage and form strong, healthy relationships with peers.

Behavioral addictions – Group therapy for behavioral addictions such as gambling can provide structure and support to help individuals stay accountable and develop healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Stress management – Group therapy can encourage clients to discuss stressors and come up with effective strategies for responding to stress.

Low self-esteem – Group therapy can help individuals recognize and reframe unhelpful thinking patterns, develop assertiveness skills and receive positive feedback from their peers.

Family conflict – Group therapy can help families identify the causes of conflict, work through their disputes in a more constructive manner, build better communication methods and form stronger relationships.

Major life transitions – Group therapy can support individuals in adapting to new changes, allowing them to feel less isolated and more prepared for growth.

Chronic pain and illness – Group therapy can provide much needed support, understanding, and normalization for people suffering from chronic pain and illnesses. It can help create a sense of solidarity by allowing individuals to connect with others who genuinely understand the everyday struggles that come with managing chronic pain and illnesses.

Emotion regulation – Group therapy can help individuals identify and communicate their feelings in more constructive ways, improve how they cope with and respond to difficult feelings.

Discover the benefits of group therapy

Graduating from IOP or inpatient treatment can be exciting and scary at the same time. You’ve experienced a certain routine, structure, and support likely for several intensive weeks. Group therapy can be especially helpful if you’ve recently completed treatment and are looking for the next step in your mental health journey.

You’ll be able to build on your progress and continue to practice how to cope more effectively, build meaningful relationships with other group members, share your experience in a safe, supportive environment, hear stories of healing and transformation, and ultimately heal and gain insight into yourself. Reach out today to schedule a complimentary consultation to see if group therapy is the right fit for you.

Your Turn: What helped you add extra structure and support into your routine after leaving a higher level of care? If you’ve participated in group therapy before, what benefits did you experience? Share in the comments below.

How do you calm yourself down when you experience stress, anxiety, or dissociation?

It’s common for interpersonal stressors to contribute to upsetting thoughts and increased anxieties. Understandably these may vary from person to person depending on a variety of factors.

6. Unresolved trauma or conflicts from the past

7. Lack of meaningful relationships, loneliness or isolation

8. Change in living or work environment

9. Social pressure or criticism

10. Bullying or harassment

11. Feeling unappreciated or ignored

12. Health issues or disability

Between the pandemic, natural disasters, rising inflation, and other common life stressors, it’s no wonder that millions of people struggle with anxiety and other mental health concerns.

What do you do when it all becomes too much?

If you haven’t tried it yet, we highly recommend trying out a few grounding techniques. These have been immensely helpful for some of my own clients, so I wanted to share a few of my favorites here.

What Are Grounding Techniques?

Practicing grounding techniques is a great way to calm yourself and bring you back from the edge. These help you refocus your mind and senses.

They bring back your thoughts to the present moment, recentering yourself from the source of your anxiety, whether it’s a past trauma or a future worry.

Grounding techniques are a key component in managing symptoms or feelings of distress. There are different types of grounding techniques, but they all aim to help you cope with negative emotions and mental health problems better.

Physical Grounding Techniques

Physical grounding techniques generally rely on your five senses — particularly your sense of touch. These exercises usually also require motion or physical movement.

1. The 5-4-3-2-1 Method

The 5-4-3-2-1 method is one of the most recommended grounding techniques. All you have to do is to list things around you that you can interact with your senses, going down from five. For example:

• Five things you see
• Four things you hear
• Three things you can touch or feel
• Two things you can smell
• One thing you can taste

You can arrange the order or number of senses to your liking. It can help to say your list aloud and pay attention to things you don’t notice regularly to further focus your mind.

2. Deep Mindful Breathing

Inhale and exhale slowly, taking care to notice how each breath causes your body to move. Try to be mindful of the sensations as each breath fills your body and pushes out.

You can also practice the 4-7-8 breathing exercise:

• Inhale deeply while counting to four.
• Hold your breath for seven seconds.
• Exhale slowly to eight counts.

3. Lie Down on the Floor

You can take these grounding exercises literally and lay on the ground. When you do this, try to feel all points of contact between your body and the floor. Focus on where your head, back, shoulders, elbows, arms, legs, and feet touch the ground.

While you do these, it’s also beneficial to do your breathing exercises.

4. Designate a Grounding Chair

Choose a cozy chair where you can lean back while still having your feet reach the floor comfortably. Sit down with your feet flat on the ground, preferably with no shoes or slippers.

Focus on the points of contact between your body and both the ground and chair. Think of how the chair material feels on your skin, how your body fits the chair, and how your feet feel steady on the floor.

Incorporate intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

5. Go on a Short Walk

Take a brisk walk or a jog to let out pent up energy. You can go outdoors or just walk around your house or on a treadmill. While walking, stamping your feet intentionally and focusing on the sensation it causes can further help you concentrate on the present moment.

It also helps to take intentional walks where you take careful note of every step you take and remain mindful of your movement and surroundings.

6. Stretch and Exercise

Aside from walking, stretching and other exercises also serve as great grounding techniques. The important thing is to get your body moving and your mind away from your worries. 

You can do exercises in place, such as jumping jacks or jogging in place. Yoga is also a great exercise for this as it pairs well with mindful breathing and meditation.

7. Do Some Gardening

Almost any other physical activity that requires you to engage as much of your body as possible can become a grounding technique. A great example is gardening. Repetitive actions like pulling weeds are great. These allow you to pay closer attention to the sensations of what you’re doing rather than the actions themselves — without causing much (if any) potential harm to yourself.

8. Rub Your Hands Together

If you can’t get up and move around, even simply rubbing your hands together can help. You can even add in a few claps for variety. Instead of just concentrating on the action and how it feels, pay attention to the noise you make as well.

You can also try rubbing your hand over your clothes, table, chair, or other piece of furniture nearby. Notice the different textures on your skin and how it makes you feel.

9. Submerge Your Hands in Water

Dipping your hands into a bowl of water — especially if it’s cold — can shock you into focusing on your surroundings and the present moment.

When you put your hands in water, focus on how the water feels around your fingers and how it flows when you move your hands. It can also help to alternate between placing your hands into warm water then cold water.

10. Hold Ice Cubes

This is a great grounding technique if you suffer from anxiety. Just hold a couple of ice cubes in your hand for a few seconds. Concentrate on how cold the ice is and how it feels in your palms.

You can also trace the ice along your arms or legs and focus on the sensation it causes. Just be careful that the ice isn’t cold enough to cause ice burns.

11. Touch Something Comforting

The opposite of shocking your sense of touch is a good grounding technique, too. Instead, find an object with a texture that brings you joy or comfort. This can be anything — a polished stone, a fluffy blanket, or even just a soft piece of yarn. As always, focus on the sensations when you hold your grounding object.

12. Squeeze a Stress Ball

Stress balls are amazing grounding tools since they not only give you something to concentrate on but also require some strength for maximum effect. Focus your energy on two things — how the ball feels in your palm and on the strength or energy you need to really squeeze your stress ball.

Instead of simply squeezing the stress ball absentmindedly, imagine it as the source of your stress. You can also visualize putting all your anxiety into the ball as you squeeze it and then letting it go when you release your hold.

13. Play With a Fidget Cube

Like stress balls, playing with fidget cubes and similar toys like spinners can help counter your stress and anxiety. If you’re restless, then you’ll likely find fidget cubes extra useful.

The repetitive nature of fidget toys can provide anxiety relief. Always try to remain focused on your actions and pay attention to how your hands and fingers move.

Mental Grounding Techniques

These are mental exercises or distractions that primarily aim to reframe your mind and redirect you away from your upsetting thoughts and feelings.

14. Meditation Exercises

Meditation is the intentional practice of being in the present moment. This is a great technique to empty your mind and escape from the feeling of having too many thoughts — especially upsetting ones. If you’re new to meditating, there are plenty of apps that can guide you.

If you want even more effective grounding techniques, you can practice meditation while doing other physical grounding exercises, like walking, stretching, and other repetitive actions.

15. Describe Your Surroundings

Take a few minutes to look around you and describe what you see. Try to use as much of your five senses as you can.

Aside from describing what you see, describe what you feel, too. Be as detailed as you can to stimulate your brain. Is your chair soft or hard? How is the temperature in your room? What color is your table or your shirt?

16. Imagine Storing Your Feelings in a Box

Imagine filling a box with all your upsetting thoughts and negative feelings. Visualize yourself gathering all those upsetting emotions and balling them up, then putting them in a box and locking the box securely. The idea is not to suppress or stuff your emotions for good, but instead contain them until you feel ready to revisit them.

19. Count Backwards

We know not all of us are math people, but numbers offer a nice distraction. A simple way to use numbers to center your thoughts is to count backwards from 100. You don’t necessarily need to reach one. Just keep counting backwards until you feel calmer, more in the present, and farther away from your upsetting thoughts.

20. Play Sudoku

If you’re open to slightly more difficult number-based grounding techniques, then answering a Sudoku puzzle is a really good one. Sudoku can be quite the challenge and requires your full mind power. This means you need to be fully in the present moment. 

Other brain exercises and puzzle games like word searches, jigsaws, crossword puzzles, and tetris-like block puzzles work, too.

21. Recite a Poem or Passage 

Quietly recite a poem, book passage, or even the lines from a movie scene that you know by heart. You can also recite the lyrics of a song you love. For greater effect, try visualizing the words as you’d see them when written on a page.

Saying the words out loud instead of just in your mind is preferable, but if that isn’t possible, you can also just say it in your head. It will still help redirect your thoughts away from what’s causing your anxiety. 

Soothing Grounding Techniques

These are a mix of both physical and mental grounding exercises. Instead of simply redirecting your mind away from upsetting thoughts, soothing grounding techniques focus more on making you feel at ease.

22. Make a Warm Drink

Make your favorite comforting, hot beverage. Whether this is tea, coffee, or hot chocolate is up to you. While preparing your drink, you can also practice mindfulness. Take note of each movement you make and how everything you touch feels. When you’re done making it, take a seat somewhere relaxing and savor each sip of your drink.

23. Take a Bath or Shower

Like with other grounding techniques, be mindful of each step you take in preparing your bath or shower. When you do get in the bath (or shower), let the water envelop you — pay extra attention to how it makes you feel.

Many prefer warm baths to really soak in, unwind, and release all their stress. On the other hand, cold showers are great too, especially if you want to jolt yourself out of a “fight or flight” mindset. 

24. Sit or Lie Down With Your Pet

Cuddling with your pet is amazing for relieving stress, anxiety, and general worries. Spending a few minutes just sitting with them and stroking their fur is a huge help. Concentrating on the feeling of their fur or the up-and-down movement of their chest also adds to their calming effect.

Additionally, the positive effect of pets on stress is scientifically proven — they actually lower the levels of stress-related hormones and blood pressure.

25. Smell Something Familiar

You can light a candle, spray on perfume, open a packet of comfort food, or light some incense. Familiar scents can help you feel calmer. For some, it may be a food or drink they find comforting. For others, it’s something they associate with a person or event that makes them feel happy or safe. 

26. Listen to Calming Music

The type of music depends entirely on your tastes. In general, instrumentals like classical music or jazz are calming for most people. If that’s not your style, then just listening to your favorite music — whether it’s an upbeat or mellow song — is an effective way to distract and comfort yourself.

27. Listen to ASMR

Aside from calming music, listening to ASMR or autonomous sensory meridian response videos can be a great grounding technique, too. ASMR is a relaxing sensory experience, where sounds (and sometimes visuals) are used to “trigger” a calming yet spine-tingling sensation to help you feel more relaxed.

You’ll find tons of ASMR videos online. These videos are characterized by clear sounds from everyday objects and soft whispers.

Putting on your favorite TV show or reading a book or graphic novel can work as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

28. Put on Your Comfort Show or Movie

Putting on your favorite TV show or a movie from your to-watch list is a great way to mindfully distract yourself from unwanted thoughts and emotions. Watching something — as well as reading a book or graphic novel — works as a grounding technique because it transports your mind to another place, another time, and even another person’s mindset.

29. Watch a Funny Video

If you don’t have time to watch a two-hour movie or even a 45-minute show, then short but funny videos work just as well. A good meme or a clip from your favorite comedian’s latest show can help diffuse any intense emotions you may be carrying. Laughing can help you feel lighter, so you can later tackle the source of your stress with a clearer head.

30. Color in a Coloring Book

In recent years, coloring books have become quite a trend — even among adults. This is thanks to the soothing effect coloring can give you. It not only calms the brain but also keeps it active as you pick out colors and try to stay inside the lines. Coloring also promotes mindfulness and embracing the imperfect.

31. Plan a Fun Activity for Later

Doing something now isn’t the only way to ground yourself to the present moment. Planning something you will enjoy can give the same benefits. This can be something as simple as planning what to cook for yourself or visiting a new cafe with a friend. It can also be an activity that requires more preparation, like an out-of-town trip or going to a concert.

32. Picture Your Favorite Place

If you can’t go to your favorite place physically, then you can visualize it instead. Close your eyes and imagine actually being there — whether it’s a far-off place or your childhood home. Try to remember how the place feels, smells, and even what the surroundings sound like.

33. Imagine the Face or Voice of a Loved One

Alternatively, you can also visualize a loved one. It’s important to choose someone that you associate with comfort and safety, or someone who has a calming effect on you. Instead of just picturing how they look, think about how their voice sounds, how they smell, and what they might say.

34. List Down Things That Bring You Joy

What makes you happy? Think about your favorite things — the things that make you smile and leave you with warm, fuzzy feelings inside. You can list them down mentally or on paper. These can be your favorite foods, color, songs, people, or even places you want to go to. Visualize each item you list down as clearly as you can before moving to the next one.

35. Say Words of Affirmation

Being kinder to yourself and saying words of affirmation out loud can work wonders in calming you down and soothing your worries. Examples of affirmative, compassionate words are:

• This will pass.
• I will be okay.
• I’m strong.
• I’m doing my best.
• This is only temporary.
• I can do this.

Get the Most Out of Grounding Techniques

The key to getting the most out of these grounding techniques is to practice them regularly. Making them a part of your daily routine makes it easier for you to fall back on these practices as soon as you notice yourself in distress or on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Grounding techniques are effective in helping you manage your mental health by yourself. Speaking with a therapist can help you further improve your mental state, as well as learn new grounding exercises.

At Clarity Therapy, we offer a free therapist matching service to help you get connected with the right therapist for you. Simply share your preferences on our questionnaire and our clinical team will provide personalized recommendations to your inbox. All of our therapists provide complimentary phone consultations, so you can see if it feels like a good fit before starting therapy.

Your Turn: Have you found particular grounding techniques helpful in your day to day routines? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Non-monogamous relationships have undeniably become more visible recently. From television and movies beginning to feature non-monogamous characters, to social media accounts specifically speaking to different relationship structures, the conversation about options beyond monogamy has become increasingly common and normalized.

Despite growing awareness and acceptance of relationships outside of monogamy, we are still often confronted with skepticism, moral judgment, and the belief that only monogamous relationships are valid. Unfortunately, these ideas can and do show up among therapists as well.

There can be a world of difference between working with a therapist who merely tolerates or acknowledges the range of relationship structures, and one who is truly affirming, making it all the more essential to find someone who will be supportive of your choices.

Polyamory and Other Non-Monogamous Relationships

For the uninitiated, non-monogamy is an umbrella term that refers to having relationships with more than one person. These relationships may be anonymous, long-standing, physical, sexual, emotional, romantic, and more. Polyamory, referring to romantic or emotional relationships with more than one person, is just one example and can look many different ways depending on the people involved. 

Why Is Seeking a Therapist Affirming of Polyamory a Good Idea?

Although non-monogamous relationships can be immensely fulfilling, they can also come with unique challenges. Therapy is an opportunity to reflect on these challenges and your relationships, in addition to concerns unrelated to non-monogamy, in a safer space with someone dedicated to centering you and your experiences.

There can be a world of difference between working with a therapist who merely tolerates or acknowledges the range of relationship structures, and one who is truly affirming.

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Creating this space is in part contingent on working with someone who recognizes the value of various relationship styles and will not try to discourage or pathologize you for choosing something other than monogamy.

I’m Daniel Rich, a licensed sex-positive psychotherapist, and one of my specialties is working with non-monogamous individuals, whether they’ve only recently become curious about expanding their relationships or have years of experience. I believe the most valid relationship style and structure is the one that is fulfilling and supportive for you.

A therapist affirming of polyamory and non-monogamy can offer support in navigating:

Establishing Boundaries

Openly discussing the boundaries you and your partners want to set for your relationships can be an important ingredient for success, as is regularly revisiting these boundaries to ensure they are still working well for everyone involved. Those who are new to non-monogamy, are thinking of forming new partnerships, or are interested in changing their relationship dynamics may benefit from discussing these topics with a therapist. 

Understanding Jealousy

The most valid relationship style and structure is the one that is fulfilling and supportive for you.

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Improving Communication

There is a joke that instead of having more sex than monogamous people (as is the stereotype), polyamorous people have a lot more conversations – and it’s true! Conversations around plans, expectations, and boundaries play a role in all relationships, but become particularly important when multiple partners are involved. Most of us aren’t born knowing how to effectively communicate our needs, though, which is where therapy can help. Identifying what we want to say and how we can say it can go a long way in strengthening our relationships.

Exploring the Self

In addition to those with experience in non-monogamy, therapy can also benefit those who are curious about or new to stepping outside the limits of monogamy. It can be a place for exploring what interests you, any fears or hesitations, and what your ideal relationship situation would be. 

How To Choose the Right Polyamory-Affirming Therapist

After deciding you would like to start therapy, finding a therapist who is accessible and a good fit can be a daunting task. This is especially true when looking for a therapist who will be affirming of the relationships you’ve chosen. So, how to find the right therapist for you?

Online Searches and Directories

At Clarity Therapy, we offer a free and confidential therapist matching questionnaire that will connect you with therapists based on your needs and preferences. All our therapists offer free phone consultations so you have an opportunity to connect with them before committing to therapy.

A great first step in looking for a therapist can be using online directories that allow you to search by keyword or offer various search filters, such as Psychology Today, Manhattan Alternative, and Inclusive Therapists. Therapist profiles typically include information like their education, experience, and areas of focus. Experience with sex therapy, relationship counseling, or working with the LGBTQIA+ community is often a good sign that a therapist will be knowledgeable and affirming of non-monogamous relationships.

You can also do an online for “polyamory therapist,” “non-monogamy therapist,” etc. + your city or zip code.

Questions to Ask when Looking for a Polyamory-Affirming Therapist

Once you have a few potential therapists in mind, schedule a consultation with them to make sure you’re a good fit and ask any questions you might have. Potential questions to help determine if someone will be affirming of non-monogamy might include:

• How much do you know about non-monogamy or polyamory?

• What are your thoughts on non-monogamous relationships?

• What is your experience working with clients in non-monogamous relationships?

• Do you have any personal experience with non-monogamy? (not all therapists will be comfortable answering this question, which is ok! therapists have boundaries too)

Choose the One You Trust

Research has consistently shown that the most important factor in determining the outcome of therapy isn’t the therapeutic style, experience level, or background of the therapist, but rather the relationship between client and therapist. Choose the therapist that feels safe, trustworthy, and helps you feel understood.

If you’re in a polyamorous relationship or are exploring non-monogamy, our qualified team of therapists can help you navigate your relationship style. Whenever you’re ready to take the next step, reach out and share your preferences on our therapist matching questionnaire so that we can make personalized recommendations. We would love to hear from you.

Your Turn: What’s important to you in a therapist when considering your relationship style? What’s your experience been like in your search for a supportive  therapist? Sound off in the comments below.

No matter where on the spectrum your family falls from wonderful to awful, going home for the holidays is more complicated for most than all joy, merriment, and lights. Even as adults, stepping back into in-person family dynamics can make us feel like a kid again, including all the unpleasant parts. If this is you, know that you’re not alone.

In my experience as a therapist supporting clients with family relationship challenges, it’s common for clients to feel ambivalent or anxious when anticipating family time. Particularly during this time of year, my sessions with clients often focus on exploring together where they have some control to support themselves as they prepare for their time ahead with family. In this post, I want to share a few great ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays this year.

6 ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays:

1. Manage your expectations

Mom is still mom and Uncle Joe is still Uncle Joe. Your sister will still run late, and your brother won’t get you a gift.  In short, everyone will still be themselves, and your family will still be your family.  Even more so as they, too, try to manage the stress and expectations of this time of year.

It may be helpful to remind yourself of this as you plan to travel home.  A useful mantra might be, “My holiday will be just another day(s) in my relationships, even if it’s tricked out in lights.” Keeping this in mind may help you better manage surprise and disappointment.

2. Your feelings are tools.

If you’ve ever been to therapy, you may have heard the expression that “feelings aren’t facts.” However, you can use your feelings as support. Your feelings can give you information about what you need. Gather information about your needs and check in with yourself from time to time. Examining your feelings objectively and anticipating them can also help you feel more grounded and in control.

Examining your feelings objectively and anticipating them can also help you feel more grounded and in control.

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For example, Are you feeling angry anticipating your grandmother and aunts asking if you are seeing anyone? Prepare a one-liner to have on hand in response. Are you feeling anxious about spending so much time with your brother? Consider planning a trip home for 3 days instead of the 6 days you had planned; Set a time to walk with a friend out of the house ahead of time. Are you worried about feeling bad in your body with all of the heavy cooking? Plan to bring some prepared food for yourself that you know feels good in your body.

3. “I’m going for a walk now”

Setting boundaries is one of the great ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays. They’re also some of the most empowering tools at your disposal to honor yourself and your relationships. Boundaries can look like physical space—going for an errand out of the home, spending time in your room, staying in the basement or a hotel, or removing yourself from the conversation if the subject matter is triggering.

They can also look like telling others what you’ll do to maintain your emotional and physical wellbeing. These may include things like;“I  will be bringing one present for everyone as this is what I can comfortably afford,” or “I have to leave the day after Christmas,” or “Please don’t use this pronoun with me.” 

Note: If you feel physically or emotionally unsafe with your family, more extreme boundaries are an option to you, such as choosing to not go home at all or to leave early.

4. Yes, it’s really okay to go for a walk now, no matter what Aunt Paula says.

Setting boundaries is one of the most empowering tools at your disposal to take care of yourself and your relationships.

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5. Be kind to yourself

This is a complex time of year.  Families are complicated.  In the spirit of generosity, practice some with yourself, too.  Try telling yourself: “This is hard,” “I deserve to take care of myself,” or “I’m doing my best.”  One of the ways to take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays is by being your best ally.

Being your own best ally can look like taking basic care of your needs like making sure that you are getting enough quality sleep, eating nourishing foods, and moving your body in joyful ways. Or explore a supportive habit like meditation, breathing, or journaling to manage stress.

6. Call in the reserves

When immediate family members feel tough, overwhelming, or limited, call in the reserves. Get creative. Who is available to support you with some of your experience?  Who can help you get out of your head or feel more grounded for a while? Maybe this looks like one particular ally in your family, or some friends in your hometown with whom you can make plans. Can you set a Facetime with your partner?  If you have a therapist, can you set a plan of support with them?  If you don’t have a trusted therapist, consider reaching out to find one. Follow a therapist or other accounts on Instagram that feel affirming. If you’ve decided not to go home for the holidays, where can you access your chosen family?

The Bottom Line

Setting boundaries and practicing these techniques may feel uncomfortable at first. It’s completely normal to get some pushback, especially if you’ve never set boundaries with family, friends, or loved ones before.

But with these helpful tools and strategies, my wish is that you’ll feel more self-assured and equipped to honor your own needs in any family holiday environment. As you search for gifts, also search for choices, tools, and supports available to you before you head home this year. You’ve got this.

Your Turn: What ways do you take care of yourself when you go home for the holidays? Share what’s worked in the comments below.

How can breathwork help your anxiety? 

Are you finding yourself replaying experience and conversations over and over again in your mind? Do you have trouble letting things go? You might feel stuck analyzing and trying to control what can’t be controlled?

You might think being in our mind can “fix”or provide you with the solution. When truly being stuck in your mind can make your anxiety worse. If you want to learn to trust yourself, improve your anxiety, and feel a deeper connection to yourself, breathwork is a great place to start.

What is breathwork?

Breathwork can help you make sense of what feels jumbled in your mind. Breathwork is often used in Somatic Therapy, because it can invite you into your body with a sense of gentleness and compassion.

The practice of connecting with your breath takes us into a rhythmic breath that stimulates your vagus nerve. This tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress. The vagus nerve helps regulate your breathing and heart rate.

Giving your body the opportunity to experience ease, presence, and safety. There are many forms of breathwork that can help with your anxiety and alter your consciousness.

4 Types of Breathing That Can Help Anxiety 

1. Box breathing is where you exhale for a count of four, hold your lungs empty for a count of four, breath in for a count of four, and then exhale for a count of four. Repeating this pattern, you can maintain this sequence for a couple minutes to gain comfort with the rhythm. 

2. Belly breathing, also known as diaphragmatic breathing is when you send air into your stomach causing it to balloon out. A way to practice this is to lay on your back and place your hand on your stomach so you can feel your stomach expanding as you send breath into your abdomen with your other hand on your chest. Your hand on your stomach will rise and fall as you inhale and exhale the air from your stomach. Repeat this breath for a few minutes. 

3. Pursed lip breathing is a simple way to slow down your breathing and make it more intentional. Sitting in a comfortable position you will inhale through your nose for two slow counts and exhale out your mouth for four seconds, pursing your lips together as you exhale. 

Stimulating the vagus nerve through breathwork tells your body it’s time to relax and de-stress.

 

4. Holotropic breathing is a form of breathwork that can be done with a facilitator or practiced on your own. You lay down or sit in a comfortable position. This is a three part breath, all through the mouth. With your first breath – the active breath – you’ll be breathing into your stomach – ballooning out your belly, the second breath into the chest (the heart space) and the third breath out through the mouth.

Repeat this pattern of breath, taking your time to get familiar with how it feels. Continue for a couple minutes and when you’re ready, open your eyes and reflect on how you felt. For instance, what feelings or thoughts came up during that time?

How can breathwork help ease anxiety?

Breathwork allows the subconscious mind to come forward so healing can take place. The holotropic breath is a quickening of the breath and involves breathing in a specific pattern.

The holotropic breath takes us out of the everyday pattern of breath and introduces a new pattern to us. Research shows that this can improve feelings of clarity, self-awareness, and proves a relief from stress, anxiety, and boosts the immune system.

How can I practice breathwork to manage MY anxiety?

Breathwork can be added into your morning routine and practiced throughout the day. When we first wake up our brain is in what’s called the alpha state. This is when your subconscious mind is readily available to you. This is a great opportunity to practice any form of breathwork.

Getting Started with Breathwork

While breathwork may look different from person to person, here are some helpful tips to start and evolve your own breathwork practice. 

1. Be patient with yourself, exercise the practice of breathwork with gentle curiosity, non-judgement, and compassion.
2. Practice when you aren’t feeling anxious so when you are it’ll feel more natural to implement the exercise. 
3. Where is my mind going? Check in with your thoughts while you are in the active breath. Simply noticing the thoughts, without trying to judge, change or force.
4. How am I feeling at this moment? Check in with the content of your thoughts as well as your physical sensations in your body. Is something distressing me, do I feel tension, or tightness somewhere in my body as a result? 
5. What thoughts or feelings are no longer serving me? Imagine a certain color with the negative thoughts or emotions that you’d like to release and visualize this as you exhale. 

Additional Benefits of Breathwork

Some benefits you’ll see is a greater ability to manage your anxiety. When you’re anxious or stressed your breathing is disrupted. By being able to support your breath, you’re helping to regulate your nervous system. 

Breathwork can cause physiological changes such as lower blood pressure and heart rate. You may experience lower levels of stress hormones in the blood, and increased feelings of contentment and joy. By breathing in these new ways, you’re communicating to your brain that it’s safe to relax. 

Clients often share that they’re able to release fear and anxiety through breathwork. Additionally, they feel more centered, grounded, and present in their day-to-day experiences. It’s a joy to witness my clients gain purpose and clarity and make changes to live life to its fullest.

You may also notice a subtle shift in your relationships. You’ll begin to feel a deeper connection to yourself and others. You too, can cultivate a sense of peace and silent strength through breathwork. My wish is that this precious tool can carry you through life’s ups and downs, just as it has for me.

Your Turn: Did this topic resonate with you? Share your experience of breathwork below, or book a complimentary consultation with Melanie to explore the life-changing effects of breathwork for managing anxiety.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship may leave you feeling depleted, less than, and losing trust in yourself and questioning your own lived experience. Despite your best attempts to please or smooth over the situation, you may find it impossible to prevent your partner’s angry outbursts or sour moods. 

It’s not uncommon for some people to initially confuse the drama-filled intensity of a new relationship for feelings of intimacy. Once this pattern has been established, this defining characteristic of the relationship may feel like a new normal. However, it’s anything but.

The tricky thing for many people is that not all relationships start out toxic. Oftentimes, new partners put their best foot forward in a new relationship. Over time, as the relationship grows more familiar, unhealthy behaviors and communication patterns begin to emerge. This is why it’s often difficult for partners caught in a cycle of abuse to leave, the relationship wasn’t always “all bad,” there were happy times too.

Signs you’re in a toxic relationship

Here are a few signs of toxic relationships. If you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship ask yourself if you experience any of the following:

• Feeling drained or depleted more often than not due to the negative exchanges in the relationship
• Feeling like the relationship is strictly a one-way street
• Preoccupied with pleasing your partner
• Walking on eggshells not to “rock the boat” or make your partner angry or upset
• Denying yourself your own needs or desires at the expense of your partners
• Lack of trust in your partner
• Feeling judged or rejected by your partner
• Persistent unreliability or follow through on promises or daily responsibilities
• Insufficient support
• Controlling behaviors (who you see, what you wear, what you spend your money or time on)
• Jealousy and insecurity masked as “caring”
• Resentment
• Lying and dishonesty
• Patterns of disrespect
• Lack of support / withholding support
• Codependency
• Avoidance (shutting down or giving one the silent treatment instead of addressing issues maturely)
• Physical, verbal or financial abuse
• Humiliation (belittling you in front of others)

Here are examples of behaviors that people in toxic relationships may confuse for romance, but are actually unhealthy:

• “They love me so much and want to spend every minute with me…that’s why I’m not able to go out with friends/engage in a favorite activity/go certain places alone/have my own….”
• “They buy me clothes they insist on me wearing that I don’t really like, but it’s easier for me to just wear it than to have an argument about it”
• “I love you so much and do so much for you, what do you mean you won’t…. (do xyz behavior or allow them to do xyz behavior that’s hurtful, disrespectful, or tramples your boundaries).
• “Trust me, I’m doing this for your own good…”
• “This isn’t a healthy/good/right action or decision for me, but I’m doing it because they need me.”

Why am i ATTRACTED TO toxic relationships?

Oftentimes people romanticize toxic relationships out of fears of abandonment and attachment issues. This is related to childhood experiences, personal trauma, family of origins dynamics, and patterns of relationships from our past (often our parents).

Movies and TV series also often misrepresent romantic relationships. As a psychotherapist, it’s uncomfortable watching these played out. Young people see dysfunctional behavior on the silver screen and are led to believe that everything is justified, since the couple “passionately” loves each other. After all, we’re taught from a young age that “love conquers all” or “love is all you need.”  It’s no wonder that mutual trust, respect, healthy communication and dependability aren’t a part of the plot. These things aren’t sexy, nor do they sell tantalizing storylines. As a licensed marriage and family therapist with a decade of experience helping couples, I can tell you with confidence that these are the cornerstones to any healthy relationship. These intense, drama-filled interactions aren’t conducive to long-lasting relationships and are better left for hollywood.

Intense, drama-filled interactions aren’t conducive to long-lasting relationships and are better left for hollywood.

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We also desperately want to be loved by “the one,” our partner, or future ideal partner we’ve daydreamed about in our head. However, people might recreate their parental relationships with their partners, wanting to fix old trauma in their new romantic relationships. But that does not usually work. All couples relationships involve projection. We project our unconscious issues onto the other person and vice versa.

For instance, a partner may have been raised in an abusive home, where their father is physically and verbally abusive to his partner and his children. Based on their past family dynamics, this partner may not tolerate physical abuse, but might accept manipulation or verbal abuse from their love interest instead.  A partner may be raised thinking they are not lovable as a child (believing that their parents do not love them), therefore, they may put up with abuse in order to pursue love, or may continue to question what true love looks like.

How to heal from a toxic relationship

When each partner feels respected and appreciated by the other for who they are, there is little to no room for toxicity. Each partner should have their own life and respect the other’s individuality, including any differences between them. Partners ought to recognize each other as individuals before they can move forward in partnership.

When issues arise, couples must be able to discuss them in a curious and compassionate way. It is important to take a non-judgemental approach when navigating any kind of relationship. Effective and respectful communication is the key. Communication style ultimately determines whether someone can feel safe in a relationship and be honest about their beliefs. If your communication patterns consist of corrosive communication, where one or both parties are belittling and degrading one another, this may be indicative of other issues within the relationship that aren’t being addressed.

Couples therapy can be very helpful for couples who experience certain elements of their relationship that are toxic. However, keep in mind that for some, the healthiest thing to do may mean letting go of the relationship if it is not able to be fixed. If staying in a relationship means doing so at the expense of your mental health, confidence, and self-esteem then the relationship may be beyond saving.

The bottom line is if the relationship does not feel right, is toxic and abusive, start to look for help. After experiencing a toxic relationship, many people find it helpful to take some time off from dating and focus on healing emotional wounds with the help of a therapist or other supportive outlets in your life.

Your Turn: How do you define a toxic relationship? What helped you identify the relationship wasn’t right for you? Share what helped you to heal from a toxic relationship in the comments below.

Many people have concerns about the cost of therapy, especially in NYC where the average rate can be between $150-300.

If you’re concerned about the cost of therapy, staying in-network and using insurance for therapy can seem like the best option when seeking care. However, many people don’t know or consider the benefits of working with a private-pay therapist that may be worth the additional investment.

Additionally, many insurance plans offer out-of-network coverage that can help reduce the overall cost of therapy – making the final cost comparable to seeing an in-network therapist.

Knowing the pros and cons of seeing an in-network versus out-of-network/private-pay therapist can help empower you as you search for the right therapist for you and make a decision that feels right and fits your needs and budget. Being informed is powerful, and it will make the process of finding a therapist easier and help you feel more confident in the process.

How Does Using Insurance For Therapy Work?

There are a few different ways using insurance for therapy can work:

1. You can choose to see an in-network therapist and pay a co-pay, just like when you go to the dentist or your primary care physician. This is someone who your health insurance company has a contract with and has agreed to pay a pre-negotiated rate. In this scenario, you are responsible for the cost of your co-pay.
2. You could also choose to see a private-pay therapist and use your out-of-network coverage, typically between 50-100% of the usual and customary rate (UCR) to get a significant portion of the fee reimbursed. In this case, you would pay your therapist directly upfront and be responsible for the remaining portion of the fee after the processed claim.

Many people incorrectly assume that using insurance for therapy means they must see an in-network provider. However, there are many plans that offer out-of-network coverage that allow you to have more freedom when it comes to finding a therapist. Ideally, you can expand your search and choose a therapist based on what feels like a good fit versus being restricted to only in-network providers.

What Are The Benefits of Seeing a Private-Pay Therapist?

1. Easier time finding a good fit

One of the most significant determining factors in your success and satisfaction with therapy is the relationship you develop with your therapist. Remember, this is the person who you have confidence in and feel safe enough with to explore many private and sensitive thoughts and feelings.  This helps you identify your focus when searching for a therapist who you can build an alliance with.

Not only is selecting a therapist that you connect with and trust critical, it may also accelerate the work and possibly result in a shorter treatment period in the long run.

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Not only is selecting a therapist that you connect with and trust critical, it may also accelerate the work and possibly result in a shorter treatment period in the long run.

If you are limiting your search to the small pool of in-network therapists, you may end up settling for a less-than-ideal fit. This can potentially result in less satisfying therapeutic experience and possibly lead you to the difficult decision of having to switch therapists in the future.

Starting over with a new therapist and building trust takes time and courage, so you want to feel confident that you’ve made the right choice versus making a decision that was restricted to a limited network.

2. The power to determine your treatment method and length

When you use your out-of-network benefits, your network and search pool expands. As a result, you can seek therapists who specialize in specific treatments that interest you and choose how long you want to stay in therapy.

Whether you want to pursue a therapeutic approach that requires a specific skillset, or meet with your therapist more frequently, you’re in control of your treatment. You’re more likely to have the power to find a therapist and a process that works for you.

The power to make this choice can be very empowering and expands your horizons.

3. The ability to get help when you need it

As with the previous dilemmas, staying in-network can, unfortunately, greatly limit your options when it comes to finding a therapist. Many therapists who are in-network with an insurance company are often full because the cost of entry is usually more attractive to many clients who wish to remain in the network.

In-network therapists generally have a full caseload, which is important to consider if you’re looking for a therapist with substantial energy to dedicate to individual clients. In-network providers may be dealing with fuller schedules, which potentially means greater stress and less accessibility.

Seeing an in-network provider means you may have to join a waiting list. A prime example of this is evidenced by a study that found the average wait time to see a psychiatrist in a major metropolitan area was 25 days.

If you’re dealing with mental health concerns and struggling in the present to the point that it makes it difficult to function in your daily life, you’ll be better served by not delaying or having to wait to get help.

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If you’re dealing with mental health concerns and struggling in the present to the point that it makes it difficult to function in your daily life, you’ll be better served by not delaying or having to wait to get help. You shouldn’t have to suffer alone and seeing a therapist with more flexibility could help you  get help sooner and at a time when you need it.

The good news is that if you are open to using your out-of-network benefits and seeing a private pay therapist, you’re likely to find a therapist who is accessible and available to provide timely help.

4. Greater control over your medical information

Anytime an individual uses their insurance benefits, they are inviting the insurance companies to potentially have a say in the course of treatment.  Not only do insurers have a say in who you can see and how frequently you can see them, they also have the right to ask for access to your mental health records.

Insurers can request confidential information – including your treatment type, diagnosis, and progress notes. This information is fair-play when using insurance for therapy to see an in-network provider, since insurers determine if your mental health care is medically necessary and covered under your policy.

If you feel uncomfortable knowing that your private medical information is accessible to your insurer at any point in time, going with a private-pay therapist can give you more privacy and, therefore, peace of mind.

5. The opportunity to work with less emphasis on diagnosis

In order for insurance companies to reimburse you for therapy, your therapist must assign you a diagnosis for the sake of the claim. However, there’s a good chance you may not be seeking treatment for a specific condition or medical reason. You could be seeking help to further your personal growth and to reach your personal goals.

In that case, you may not want to be assigned a formal diagnosis from your therapist that would be added to your medical record. If you have any worries surrounding the impact of a mental health diagnosis on your record, it may be worth looking into an out-of-network/private pay therapist who isn’t contractually bound to an insurance company the way an in-network provider is.

6. More options if you have specific needs or criteria

If you’re someone with a unique circumstance or need, you might be interested in seeing a specialist who is familiar with your issue or situation. In-network providers may not be as prolific or offer as highly specialized services such as:

• Art therapy
• Identity-centered therapy
• Play therapy
• Couples therapy
• Family therapy

Having a therapist who is a trained specialist in the areas that matter the most to you could mean the difference between an okay therapy experience and a transformative one. Choosing a specialized therapist is a step you can take in order to set yourself up for success in therapy.

I’m Not Using Insurance for Therapy – How Should I Be Thinking About the Cost?

So now that you know a bit more about the difference between in-network versus out-of-network coverage -you may be wondering how much therapy costs with insurance after you consider the pros and cons? You might find that you would prefer to pay more for the peace of mind and accessibility that comes with a private-pay therapist.

If you do decide to pursue and experience the freedom of working with a private-pay therapist, there are many ways that you can reduce the cost of your sessions. 

1. Consider putting funds into a Health Savings Account (HSA) or Flexible Spending Account (FSA).

You can put away a significant amount of money into your HSA and FSA at the beginning of each year. This is tax-deductible money that you can use to pay for your therapy sessions.

2. Ask therapists if they offer sliding scale services. 

Some therapists at our practice put aside a number of slots for clients  in financial need and offer them at a reduced fee. Directories like Psychology Today and Open Path can also help you find therapists who offer low fee sessions. You can check a therapist’s website to see if they mention a sliding scale fee. Even if they don’t you can always reach out, explain your situation, and ask if they could work with your budget. There’s no harm in asking.

3.  Look for therapy training programs and community mental health agencies.

Many university training programs for mental health clinicians have clinics where members of the community can get low-cost therapy. You can Google “therapy training programs near me” to see if any come up.  

There are also many community based mental health organizations that provide services at a low cost. They are usually funded by federal, state, and/or local government programs. You can find these by asking your doctor’s office for recommendations, searching on Google, or calling your county health department.  

the pros and cons of using insurance for therapy – Is Paying for Therapy Worth It?

Imagine one thing that you’re currently struggling with. Maybe you’re having trouble communicating honestly with your partner. Maybe you’re feeling “stuck” in life. Perhaps you’re dealing with feelings of guilt for not being the person you think you should be.

Whatever it is that you’re dealing with, therapy can give you a safe space to explore your thoughts, feelings, and worries about the issue. Eventually, therapy can help you identify where these feelings are coming from and give you the tools to either prevent or cope with these feelings in a healthy way.

This is just one example of both the short and long-term benefits of therapy. Depending on your personal goals, therapy can help you:

• Increase your self-esteem
• Quiet negative thoughts
• Communicate more effectively with others
• Connect more authentically and honestly with others and yourself
• Gain insight into what fulfills you and makes you truly happy
• Reduce stress in your day-to-day
• Learn to respond more mindfully to certain situations

Above all, therapy is an important investment in yourself and your emotional health and wellness. Working with a therapist on your current or past struggles is the equivalent of exercising and eating right for your physical health. Your emotional health matters.

Mental wellness doesn’t come by chance or luck – it requires that you feel safe, secure, and courageous enough to put in the work so that you can see and feel the many positive benefits and results therapy offers.

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Mental wellness doesn’t come by chance or luck – it requires that you feel safe, secure, and courageous enough to put in the work so that you can see and feel the many positive benefits and results therapy offers.

We can all use support and a little bit of help in life. There is no shame in creating space for yourself, be it due to sadness, stress, or wanting to simply develop insight and improve the quality of your life with therapy. Remember that no one can do or be expected to do everything by themselves.

We’re happy to help clients learn about the pros and cons of using insurance. To learn more about how we help clients navigate their out-of-network benefits visit our How Insurance Works page. If you’d like help verifying your out-of-network benefits, simply submit your insurance information through our Check your Benefits form and our billing team will be in touch shortly. Please don’t hesitate to contact us with questions and to learn more about how we can help you.

Want to explore the freedon of going out-of-network? Share your preferences on our Therapist Matching Questionnaire to connect with a therapist who would be a good fit for you for a free consultation.

Individuals in the LGBTQIA+ community share many common issues, sometimes unrelated to their sexuality and identity. Oftentimes, one might come to therapy with relationship issues, identity issues, self-esteem concerns, and more. Despite the reasons that might bring someone to therapy, it is important to know that the therapist will be supportive, compassionate, and accepting. The understanding behind LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy is that a therapist will provide a space that feels welcoming and comfortable.

What is LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy?

LGBTQIA + Affirmative Therapy is defined as the acknowledgment and acceptance of a person’s sexual orientation and identity, working toward developing a better sense of self, building authenticity, and strengthening one’s voice.

Affirmative Therapy adds an important layer that’s often missing from traditional forms of therapy. Affirmative Therapy was developed to address the unique emotional and mental health needs of members of the LGBTQIA+ community as well as provide acceptance and support.

Why do members of the LGBTQIA+ Community Seek Out Therapy?

The level of mental health issues in the LGBTQIA+ community is significantly higher compared to levels among cisgender peers. This is true at every stage of life, from childhood through the end of life.

LGBTQ individuals seek out therapy for a wide range of mental health issues seen in the general community such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and trouble with intimate relationships.

LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy is defined as the acknowledgment and acceptance of a person’s sexual orientation and identity, working toward developing a better sense of self, building authenticity, and strengthening one’s voice.

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However, being queer can often pose challenges to finding basic healthcare, let alone mental health services. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to find mental health therapists who are affirming or even just trained to work with members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

However, LGBTQ-Affirmative Therapists are also trained to handle the unique mental health challenges of sexual minorities that drive them to seek therapy. Some examples include:

• Struggles with gender identity
• Internalized messages about gender expression
• Combining religious beliefs with their identity and lifestyle
• Tense familial relationships
• Rejection and discrimination resulting from mainstream belief systems
• Hurtful core beliefs
• Complex trauma
• Limited contact with friends and community

What are the key parts of LGBTQ-Affirmative Therapy?

Through LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy, a person can potentially navigate their life in a more meaningful and constructive way. The following are key parts of affirmative practices:

Creating a Safe Space

Creating a safe space is arguably the most important first step to therapy. LGBTQIA+ individuals should not feel judged or unwelcomed in any place, especially not in therapy, where individuals often disclose sensitive and confidential information.

To create a safe space, it’s important to be aware of one’s needs and wants prior to starting therapy. For example, some clients might prefer a therapist of a specific gender, age range, or with political views aligned to their own.

Once in the therapy room, it might be important to discuss preferred pronouns, any special accommodations, and other conditions that could contribute to creating a safe space. What seems to be most important to many clients is the trust and an alliance that’s built into the work. Although it can take time to build trust and alliance, clients usually have a sense of it early on.

Fostering Trust

Harnessing a trusting environment is a key component to therapy. One must feel that they trust their therapist enough to disclose very personal and difficult issues. Some issues that LGBTQIA+ Affirmative therapists might help with include:

• Relationship issues
• Intimacy concerns
• Dating
• Coming out
• Gender and sexual identity
• Sexual orientation
• Confidence issues
• Internalization
• Contradictory beliefs
• Trauma

These issues can often lead to negative feelings, so it’s important that trust is built in therapy so that the focus can be on helping individuals deal with some of these concerns. A question you might ask yourself after seeing a therapist for a few sessions might be, “Do I feel comfortable with this person?” and “Do I get the sense that this person understands my issues?”

The therapeutic relationship can hopefully become an alliance where the individual feels that they are supported, connected, and celebrated.

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Having an Ally

After establishing a safe space and building trust, the therapeutic relationship can hopefully become an alliance where the individual feels that they are supported, connected, and celebrated. Having an ally is an important component to therapy in order to address many of the issues above.

By having an LGBTQ+-Affirming therapist, the therapy can be catered to the individual’s specific needs and issues. While individuals can work with any therapist, having a therapist who understands the issues that the LGBTQIA+ community faces can result in a more validating and rewarding experience.

How to find LGBTQIA+ affirmative mental health care

Research clearly shows that people identifying as LGBTQIA+ tend to experience higher rates of mental health issues at every stage of life. However, there is still a shortage of therapists who are trained to provide Affirmative Therapy. 

LGBTQ affirmative therapists create a safe space in which gender and identity are not pathologized. Instead, affirmative therapists validate and advocate for individuals with minority identities regarding sexuality, gender identity, gender expression, and more. 

If working with an LGBTQ-Affirmative Therapist is important to you, don’t compromise. There are several ways to make sure someone has LGBTQIA+ Therapy experience. Some steps include:

• Looking for therapy practices that offer this specialty 
• Asking for referrals from well known organizations
• Reading a therapist’s bio to learn about their background and training
• Asking any therapist you meet with about minority groups they’ve worked with, their beliefs about the LGBTQIA+ community, and their overall approach

Seeking therapy to support personal growth takes bravery and courage. You have the right to be seen, heard, acknowledged, and celebrated for who you are. 

Clarity Therapy NYC provides LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy in NYC and throughout the state of New York. Contact us to find a therapist who would be a good fit for you and to set up a free consultation. 

If you’ve launched a new venture, started your own business, or even pursued a side hustle, you likely already know that the entrepreneurial path can be as tough as it is rewarding.

Chances are, you’ve felt a mix of excitement, fear, and overwhelm. With all of the ups, downs, and uncertainties that come with the entrepreneurial journey, it can help to talk with someone who can support you through the ebbs and flows.

Fortunately, there are many resources out there to help you feel supported on the entrepreneurial path. You may benefit from working with a coach or mentor, or by joining a masterminds group of fellow business owners who can cheer you on. 

In addition to these options, seeing a therapist can be a powerful way to learn healthy coping skills, practice self-care, and combat the challenges that arise when starting your own business.

Curious about how therapy can help support you? Here are 10 reasons to consider a therapist as part of your support system.

10 Ways Therapy Can Help Entrepreneurs

1. Navigate Ambiguity
2. Deal with Pressure and Perfectionism
3. Reach Your Business Goals
4. Tune Into Your Body
5. Connect With Your Values
6. Feel Less Alone
7. Combat Fear of Failure
8. Set Healthy Boundaries
9. Increase Your Confidence
10. Show Up For Yourself

1. Therapy can help you navigate ambiguity.

As an entrepreneur, you’re no stranger to ambiguity and having to navigate an uncertain future. Maybe you’re launching a new idea and you’re not sure how it’ll be received. It’s possible you’re not sure where your next paycheck will come from, or perhaps you want to raise capital and have no clue where to begin.

During these moments, it’s easy to be hard on yourself and feel insecure about your path. Therapy can be a great tool for helping you manage difficult thoughts, emotions, and insecurities that arise. Plus, with a trusted therapist, you can learn about healthy ways to approach an uncertain future, making it easier to navigate ambiguity in the long run.

2. Therapy can help you deal with pressure and perfectionism.

When launching a project on your own, it can feel like the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. You may feel like you have to do everything 100% yourself, that there’s little room for error, or that failure is simply not an option. As an entrepreneur, you’re likely a highly ambitious go-getter with big dreams, and it can feel exhausting to consistently set the bar high for yourself. It can feel like your work is never enough.

Psychotherapists at Clarity Therapy help clients build resilience and feel confident in their personal strengths and abilities. When it comes to perfectionism, it’s important for entrepreneurs to embrace the journey, and know that it’s okay to mess up along the way.

When it comes to perfectionism, it’s important for entrepreneurs to embrace the journey, and know that it’s okay to mess up along the way.

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A trusted therapist can help you unpack how you’re feeling and provide a safe space for you to explore your beliefs around perfectionism. Therapy can also help alleviate the pressure to perform perfectly all the time, providing a space where your feelings and experiences are affirmed and validated.

3. Therapy can help you reach your business goals. 

Chances are, you have a million items on your to-do list and not enough hours in the day to address them. Therapy can be an excellent resource for helping you stay on track toward both your personal and professional goals. Plus, it can give you a roadmap for how to achieve them. 

Therapists who specialize in this area often work with entrepreneurial clients who are juggling multiple business ideas at once, from creating an online fitness platform to selling baked goods to launching a new clothing line. You’re allowed to have all of these dreams and goals, and allowed to see them through. For many, it comes down to setting realistic goals and a willingness to refine your plan again and again. Most of the time it’s a matter of taking one small step that accumulates into a bigger impact over time.

A therapist can help you with goal-setting, organizational skills, and accountability as you work toward achieving each exciting milestone. During therapy, you may be encouraged to use worksheets, personal calendars, or make a list of SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-sensitive) to help you stay on track.

4. Therapy can help you tune into your body.

How many times have you pulled an all-nighter to work on your next genius idea, or skipped meals to crank out a project in a few hours? When was the last time you got a good night’s rest? Are you practicing proper eating habits, drinking enough water, and leaving some time in your schedule for self-care? If not, it may be time to check in with your physical health.

When you’re pouring your heart and soul into your business, taking care of your body can often fall to the wayside. Seeking therapy can be a great way to tune into how you’re feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally.

A therapist can help you take inventory of your current lifestyle and give you a sense of accountability that will encourage healthy habits as you tackle the challenging world of entrepreneurship. 

Understanding and fostering a strong sense of values can help you stay connected to your entrepreneurial vision and serve as a foundation for the work you do.

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5. Therapy can help you connect with your values.

As an entrepreneur, staying authentic to your values is essential for fueling your vision. There will be difficult moments along the way, and in these moments, recalling your values can help ground you in what’s really important. Therapy helps you explore your value systems, from relationships and personal wellness to the values you want to instill in your company. 

Entrepreneurs often have a particular vision they want to bring to fruition. For some people during this process, they can get lost in the ‘how’ and start forgetting their ‘why.’

Therapy can even help clients uncover their values through personality inventories such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). Results identify your key strengths and remind you of the characteristics that will keep you grounded while creating your business. 

Understanding and fostering a strong sense of values can help you stay connected to your entrepreneurial vision and serve as a foundation for the work you do. When you have a strong foundation, it becomes easier to approach your work with enthusiasm, focus, and healthy perspective.

6. Therapy can help you feel less alone.

Being an entrepreneur can be isolating. You’re hustling away at your dream, often behind closed doors, working toward a cause you believe in. Maybe your family doesn’t understand what you’re doing, or your friends who work 9–5 jobs don’t fully understand the struggles you’re experiencing.

As an entrepreneur, you may often feel like you’re alone in the process. The truth is, you don’t have to do it alone. Maybe there’s a person in your life who is really good at finance who can give you a few pointers, or a template to help you track your progress. It’s important to have a team of people who support your dream, your vision, and your goals—who can help make your dreams a reality.

It can be tough to connect with others when you’re in the trenches of building your own business. Therapy can help you feel less alone in the journey, providing a supportive space to share what you’re going through. Plus, your therapist can share valuable tips for combating isolation and increasing social support.

Connecting with a therapist can help you feel confident and supported, while ensuring that you’re not alone on this tricky yet exciting entrepreneurial journey.

7. Therapy can help you combat fear of failure.

“What will people think of me? What happens if nobody buys my product? What if I don’t meet my revenue goals?”

These are a few of the many concerns entrepreneurs grapple with when starting a new venture. They have big dreams and even bigger ambitions, but the fear of failure can be soul-crushing. 

Speaking with a therapist can be a great way to learn practices for overcoming fear of failure, such as mindfulness-based strategies or guided visualizations. Therapy can also help you develop stress management skills, shift negative thought patterns, and gain confidence in your endeavors.

8. Therapy can help you set healthy boundaries.

As an entrepreneur, you’re likely wearing multiple hats while chasing your business dreams. Between family, friends, clients, and professional networks, there comes a time when healthy boundaries are necessary to take care of your well-being. 

Setting boundaries (especially with people close to you!) can be tricky, and therapy is a great resource for exploring where you may need to establish some distance.

For instance, maybe you can’t be available for your friends during the work week, but you set aside quality time each month to catch up. Maybe your 14-hour work days aren’t exactly sustainable, and you need to rethink your boundaries around work hours.

Therapy helps you re-evaluate your schedule and set up a workflow and lifestyle that supports you.

People often undervalue what they’re good at. Everyone has a natural proclivity for something. Sometimes we just need someone to point us in the right direction.

 

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9. Therapy can help increase your confidence. 

Taking business courses. Creating a website. Networking. Following up with clients. Figuring out finances. Marketing yourself to the masses, unsure if what you’re doing is landing or falling on deaf ears. How many times have you looked at your hard work and thought, “Will this ever pay off?” 

Whether you’re just starting out or have been in the business game for a while, confidence is key. Therapy can help boost your self-esteem as you navigate the challenging road to entrepreneurship, and having a trusted therapist to validate your experience can be meaningful during the tough moments. 

People often undervalue what they’re good at. Skilled therapists encourage new entrepreneurs to take a chance on their ideas and remember their strengths. Everyone has a natural proclivity for something. Sometimes we just need someone to point us in the right direction.

10. Therapy allows you to show up for yourself.

Between juggling the personal, administrative, financial, and organizational aspects of your business, it can feel impossible to find time for yourself. While it feels like there are barely enough hours in the day, booking a therapy appointment is a great way to hold yourself accountable and take care of your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. 

For 45 minutes to an hour of your day, you have uninterrupted time that’s 100% tailored to you. Apart from the designated personal time, a therapist can help you show up more authentically and learn to advocate for yourself in new ways. Know that you, too, deserve the attention and care that you spend on your entrepreneurial dreams.

Entrepreneurship is no easy road, but you don’t have to walk the path alone. Therapy can be a powerful tool to help you practice self-care, establish healthy boundaries, boost your self-esteem, and more. Click here to connect with a therapist who provides counseling for entrepreneurs, and to explore if therapy is right for you.

We have experience helping new and seasoned entrepreneurs maintain their energy and wellbeing. Click here to connect with a therapist who specializes in working with entrepreneurs.

W hen we think of the term “healing”, we tend to first think of a physical injury— a broken bone, a strained muscle, an open wound. We can acknowledge that each requires time, rest, a tender touch, and medical attention in order for healing to take place and occur properly so that all is restored. But what happens when the wound is an emotional one? Learn three tips for how to heal emotional wounds and recover from trauma. 

What is emotional trauma?

Emotional and psychological traumas are the result of extremely stressful events that leave us feeling unsafe and disconnected from everyone around us. They leave us feeling helpless, powerless, and overwhelmed. Many people also experience painful feelings and memories as well as anxiety that won’t go away. 

Just like the traumas that the body endures, we need to recognize that we each experience a range of emotional traumas as the result of life’s many hardships. Emotional trauma is suffered by the mind, heart, or spirit. It can stem from any number of experiences, including:

• Loss of a loved one through death

• A bad breakup or divorce

• Surviving abuse or emotional neglect

• Sudden financial hardships 

• Loss of property

Emotional and psychological traumas are the result of extremely stressful events that leave us feeling unsafe and disconnected from everyone around us.

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What are the symptoms of emotional or psychological trauma?

Emotional traumas can often be difficult to detect because symptoms manifest differently from person to person. Some might fall into a deep depression and pull away from everyone. Others might mask their pain with drugs, alcohol, or some other acting-out behaviors. Many people might appear to carry on as if it’s business as usual.

Issues of the mind and heart are harder to detect. Therefore, they are easier to hide from the outside world.  As a result, we fool ourselves into dismissing, ignoring, or avoiding them in an effort to convince ourselves that we are okay and should just “move on”. But just like any physical wound, a broken heart requires attention, care, love, and healing.  We must go through an emotional healing process. Understanding the stages of trauma and recovery is a helpful place to start. 

How to heal yourself emotionally from trauma or tragedy

The best course of action for healing old emotional wounds is to be an active participant in your healing process. Here are three tips for healing emotional wounds to recover from trauma: 

Healing Trauma Tip #1: Practice Identifying The Cause 

Injuries to our mind, heart, and spirit must first be identified and acknowledged before they can be treated. So often we walk around carrying pains we don’t even remember picking up.  We carry them with us through life. Sometimes, this pain begins in early childhood and stays with us as we navigate adulthood. Other times, sudden shifts or unexpected life changes throw us into a crisis of identity that leaves us feeling lost. 

Either way, you will not be able to release the pain you have been carrying if you don’t know that you’re holding onto it.  You cannot heal an emotional wound that you invalidate or resist acknowledging. 

Ways to identify the cause of emotional wounds

As a therapist, identifying the root causes of clients’ emotional pain and suffering is part of my mission. Meeting with a therapist or counselor is a fantastic opportunity to get in touch with your suffering and general discomfort associated with healing emotional pain.  In order to address the underlying trauma, it’s important that you work with a therapist who is both trained in treating trauma and a good fit for your personality. Feeling understood and supported is key to this process.

If you’re reluctant to see a professional, or if professional help is not available, you can still begin to understand the causes of your pain through honestly examining yourself. Look at the people in your life.  Determine who and what is triggering your suffering and take notes.  Keeping track of thoughts and in a journal can help you find patterns.

If you can’t work with a therapist right away, taking stock of what is causing pain is an important first step. Then you can move toward deciding how to heal emotionally.

If you can’t work with a therapist right away, taking stock of what is causing pain is an important first step. Then you can move toward deciding how to heal emotionally.

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Healing Trauma Tip #2: Practice Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness means being self-aware and present in the current moment. This is key to a peaceful life at any stage, but especially after emotional trauma. There’s a reason why people need to take time off from work and social engagements after a breakup or significant loss. Slowing down allows us to acknowledge and validate our pain and wounded feelings. This is much better than masking it with busy schedules or obligations.

Additionally, because mindfulness aligns you with the power of now, the traumas of your past will slowly begin to have less control over your emotional state. I tell my clients that healing occurs in the present, not by dredging through all of the trauma forever. We may revisit the traumatic moments as a means of releasing the pain and so that the wound can be uncovered.  However, we do not live in the past or stay there for too long. Mindfulness can help retrain your brain to react differently to painful thoughts and memories.

Once you get to the root cause of your pain, you must lean into it and allow yourself to release it. The past only exists in the mind.  Where you once were a victim, you can now choose to be a survivor by focusing on the beautiful opportunities available to you in the present moment. This is what a positive mental healing process involves.

Healing Trauma Tip #3: Practice Patience

Another crucial aspect of emotional healing is patience. We all know that if you pick at a wound, it won’t heal. If you don’t rest a strained muscle, you risk further damage. The same is true of emotional scars. Stop interfering. Give yourself real time to heal.  You cannot put a deadline on your progress. 

The choice to heal emotions can be made at any given moment. However, it may take a significant part of a lifetime to heal deeply rooted suffering. Rushing yourself will only result in more distress. Instead, breathe and continue to encourage yourself. Be proud of every step you are taking towards repairing your mental, emotional, and spiritual wounds. Check out this blog post for how breathwork can help you manage overwhelming emotions, including anxiety.

Are you prepared to heal emotional wounds that are keeping you stuck?

The therapists at Clarity Therapy NYC work with people every day who have experienced various kinds of trauma. They help clients develop a healthier view of themselves, strengthen their relationships, and build a new sense of purpose. As a result, people feel more peaceful, whole, and safe. Are you ready to work toward healing?

Your Turn: What coping methods have you found success with to heal emotional wounds? Share what’s worked for you in the comments below.

Y ears ago, before becoming a therapist, I was a young lawyer working in New York City. At the time, I was commuting from my apartment in Brooklyn to my office in the Bronx. The journey was especially grueling during the evening rush hour. I would break up the trip by stopping at the halfway point to take a yoga class in lower Manhattan. The difference between the crowded subway car’s chaotic environment and the serenity of the yoga studio was striking. My mid-commute yoga class was a powerful reset to my day, and I became relaxed and at ease for the remainder of my evening when before I had felt stressed and exhausted from a long workday.

“Recovering Lawyer”

One of my first yoga teachers was a self-identified “recovering lawyer.” After a long and unhappy career in the corporate world, he left his law practice to study and teach yoga full-time. At the time, the idea of my teacher walking away from his career terrified me. How did he survive financially? What about his student loans? And rent? Could he even afford to have fun? How could someone achieve so much and then walk away from all that hard work and sacrifice? And not just walk away, but choose a career fundamentally different from the law? How was he able to create such dramatic and meaningful change in his life?

Eventually, I came to realize that my fear and confusion were masking an even more terrifying truth — that I too wanted powerful change in my life. However, my journey did not require that I entirely leave the practice of law, although I did eventually return to school and become a psychotherapist. My process began with a simple but powerful acknowledgment that I was unhappy as a lawyer but did not yet know which career would make me happy.

Acknowledging your unhappiness and uncertainty can free you up to make small choices that make you happy.

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Acknowledging both my unhappiness and my uncertainty freed me to make small choices that did make me happy. I traveled to see friends. I took up the guitar. I went on silent meditation retreats. I became a regular at a new favorite restaurant.

Despite an unhappy career and an uncertain future, I was becoming far better at finding joyful moments in my life. A friend’s mantra that “things have a way of working out perfectly,” no longer sounded delusional and self-indulgent to me. As my days continued to improve, I began to accept the idea that the world around me was friendly and supportive. For the first time, I was centering my life around what intuitively made me happy, instead of assumptions about what might make me happy in the future. Eventually, this simple shift had profound effects and led me to return to school, start a second career, and dramatically reinterpret how I wanted to practice as an attorney.

I’d like to share some of these simple yet profound lessons that I learned and was able to apply to my own journey.

5 Lessons About Change From a Recovering Lawyer:

1. Move away from all or nothing thinking
2. Embrace the whole truth
3. Choose to be guided by pleasure instead of fear
4. Identify what’s in your control when things feel uncertain
5. Acknowledge how your experience of misfortune shifts over time

1. Move away from all-or-nothing thinking

In the world of addiction and twelve step, people often refer to hitting “rock bottom.” Life at its absolute worst is a rare opportunity for change because once life becomes unbearable, the only option is to do the challenging work of sobriety. However, most of us are not living unbearable lives, and we never hit rock bottom. Instead, we stay in our unhappy careers and relationships because we know that although our current situation isn’t great, things could always be worse. Instead of taking action, we stay where we are, and we remain unhappy in our bearable but unsatisfying lives. We stay trapped because we assume our happiness is dependent on deciding whether to stay in the career or leave, stay in the relationship or leave. However, the path toward change does not require us to make such a stark choice and only paralyzes us from moving forward.

Change only requires us to take the next small step toward something that brings us some amount of happiness, excitement, or joy.

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Change only requires us to take the next small step toward something that brings us some amount of happiness, excitement, or joy. We do ourselves a disservice when we assume change happens quickly and predictably. The recovering lawyer did not wake up one day, quit his job, and become a yoga teacher. His transformation journey began years ago with a small step toward change — enrolling in his first yoga class.

2. Embrace the whole truth

How do we know where to begin? To start, it’s helpful to see the complete picture of our lives. The brain struggles with nuance or paradox. It’s challenging to acknowledge the contradictions that often fill our lives. We may value honesty and also tell white lies. We may love our spouse and also want a divorce. We may hate our jobs, and also enjoy our annual bonus.

Unless we acknowledge the contradictions in our lives, we’re not looking at the whole truth.

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Our brains evolved to make snap decisions to keep our prehistoric ancestors safe from predators and danger. However, daily life in our modern world is far more complex and nuanced. Unless we acknowledge the contradictions in our lives, we’re not looking at the whole truth. Without this fine lens, our action or inaction may be based on erroneous thinking.

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, we practice embracing contradiction as a helpful starting place for change. By acknowledging that we may both hate our jobs and want our bonus, we learn that staying in the position or leaving will not lead to happiness. Leaving the job satisfies the part of us that hates our job, but staying satisfies the part that wants the bonus. Therefore, we begin to understand that we must start by looking elsewhere for opportunities for positive change.

3. Choose to be guided by pleasure instead of fear

Albert Einstein reportedly said the first and most basic question we must answer for ourselves is whether we live in a friendly universe. Does our world support us in exploring life and our creative pursuits? Or do we live in a hostile universe where safety requires our constant vigilance? Without realizing it, many of us were taught from a young age that the world is far more dangerous than supportive. Not surprisingly, we base our decisions (what we do for a living, who we date, how we parent) on assumptions about what keeps us safe and protected from harm and not on what maximizes our pleasure and joy.

Unfortunately, this often leads to anxiety and depression, and our attempts to guarantee safety come at the direct cost of our freedom. Avoiding a broken heart limits our ability to be vulnerable and deepen our relationships. Avoiding the discomfort that comes with a job interview limits our ability to advance professionally.

What type of universe do you live in? Do you fill your days with pleasure-seeking or risk-avoidant activities?

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What type of universe do you live in? Do you fill your days with pleasure-seeking or risk-avoidant activities? If you’re unsure, a helpful question to ask is, “Am I having fun?” For example, when you eat delicious food, do you tend to think about the calories and health consequences (fear-based), or do you savor each flavorful bite (pleasure-based)? During your morning shower, do you spend the time anxiously reviewing your daily to-do list, or do you take a few minutes to appreciate a good scalp massage? While it may seem overly simplistic, don’t discount the power of aligning your focus with pleasure. After all, Marie Kondo has built a multi-million dollar business helping others make decisions based on what sparks joy.

4. Identify what’s in your control when things feel uncertain

Although the tradeoff of sacrificing our pleasure for our safety might seem rational, guaranteed safety is an illusion. We may feel immediately better after choosing the “safe” option, but the long-term effect is often detrimental to our happiness and joy.

Although the tradeoff of sacrificing our pleasure for our safety might seem rational, guaranteed safety is an illusion. We may feel immediately better after choosing the ‘safe’ option, but the long-term effect is often detrimental to our happiness and joy.

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Moreover, the pandemic showed us that it’s not possible to predict the future. Despite our best-laid plans, the world and our lives were turned upside down in an instant. For many of us, the global pandemic revealed that we have far less control over our lives, our plans, others, and our safety than we thought we did. Interestingly enough, the pandemic seemed to permit us to begin to live more authentically. People left unhappy relationships and unsatisfying careers for new paths they’d only daydreamt about.

 For many, it was a welcomed relief to turn down social or family obligations without much guilt or afterthought. Perhaps the perspective of realizing life is often too short and unpredictable forced people to evaluate what they truly wanted. As a result, many people were emboldened to make profound changes. If the pandemic taught us one thing, it’s that we cannot control the future, but we can make small daily choices to live more joyfully in the present moment. 

We cannot control the future, but we can make small daily choices to live more joyfully in the present moment. 

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5. Acknowledge how your experience of misfortune shifts over time

Many of us have experienced negative life events that, in hindsight, were blessings in disguise. Years after a messy breakup with an ex who broke your heart, you may realize that ending the relationship was the best thing you ever did. Or a missed job opportunity that caused you so much shame and self-doubt was a blessing in disguise due to the lack of support, a dysfunctional team, or any number of reasons.

Often procrastination in writing a paper or working on a project leads to days or even weeks of stress. Yet in the eleventh hour, we may be struck with inspiration where everything falls into place, making the final product far better. This isn’t to discount negative life experiences, but rather a reminder that we often gain a fresh perspective with distance from our problems, and helpful to keep in mind when we’re feeling paralyzed to make a change that feels life-altering. 

The bottom line on change

As humans, we intuitively know what brings us pleasure and joy. By consciously choosing to prioritize happiness, we can live more authentically and strengthen our intuition and creativity. By recognizing what gives us pleasure, we become consciously aware of what is currently causing us displeasure in our lives. Only then do we begin to move toward joy, aligned with our true selves and away from self-doubt, pain, and living a life for others.

Your Turn: What ways have you created meaningful change in your own life? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below.

D o you find yourself playing video games more and more as social distancing and quarantines continue?

You’re not alone.

The Entertainment Software Association reports that in 2020, 214.4 million Americans played some type of video game. Furthermore, video games have become a central feature of people’s lives, especially since the start of the pandemic. According to Nielsen Videogame Tracking, the number of people playing video games increased 46% in the United States since the start of the pandemic.

Video games are a wide-ranging artistic medium created using computer software. In today’s world, it is easy to access games with action-adventures, role playing, puzzles, and more. Actually, the device you’re reading this on likely supports some type of video game.

Unveiling the false stereotype

The power of play, especially video games, transcend age, gender, and where we live. The long-held stereotype that only teenage boys play video games is no longer true. According to a 2020 study, more adult women endorse playing video games than children and teenagers under the age of 18.

The benefits of online gaming

Playing video games can be entertaining, but there also can be psychological benefits to picking up the game controller or logging online.

• Online games can help us develop a wide range of skills including spatial awareness and critical thinking. For example, Call of Duty and League of Legends encourage teamwork, decision-making, and communication. The player’s success is contingent on the mastery and communication of the game’s timing and mechanics.

• Video games and online gaming reinforce the playful process. Video games are a form of play, which is closely linked to creativity and education. When we play, we are able to develop and express curiosity and enjoyment. Donald Winnicott suggested that play was a way of reaching a person’s “true self”. This is the most authentic, creative, and vulnerable form of a person’s personality.

How do I know if my gaming has gone too far?

If you’re finding yourself playing more despite your awareness of how it is impacting your work, school, and relationships, it may be time to reassess.

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Gaming can become a problem when it begins to disrupt your daily life. If you’re finding yourself playing more despite your awareness of how it is impacting your work, school, and relationships, it may be time to reassess.

It’s not uncommon to develop an unhealthy habit of wanting or needing to escape through online gaming or video games. The intense and growing focus on playing games may point to addictive routines that need support to help you find new balance.

Gaming addiction affects individuals of all ages and backgrounds. In fact, The World Health Organization added “gaming disorder” to the section on substance abuse and addictive behaviors in the International Classification of Diseases. There are several indications that you can look for in yourself to know whether your gaming has gone too far. If you are experiencing any of the items listed below, it may be time to seek support.

1. Spending a lot of time thinking about or being preoccupied with gaming

2. Feeling irritable, angry, sad or frustrated when gaming isn’t possible or others express concern about how much time you spend gaming

3. Attempting to control the amount of time you spend gaming. For example, promising a partner or loved one that you’ll spend less time gaming but having difficulty doing so.

4. Losing interest in previous hobbies and entertainment that you used to enjoy because gaming takes up most of your time now

5. Experiencing problems at work, school, or home (such as arriving late repeatedly, procrastinating or missing deadlines, or generally having trouble finishing necessary daily tasks) due to gaming

6. Minimizing the true nature of your gaming with family members, therapists, or others. You may experience feelings of guilt or shame and try to avoid discussion of gaming when others bring it up.

7. Using gaming to escape reality, avoid confronting problems or responsibilities

8. Individuals in your life have may have expressed concern or worry about the amount of time you spend gaming

9. A job, significant relationship, education or career opportunity has been jeopardized or lost, directly or indirectly as a result of gaming

The bottom line

What’s most important is to stay aware of whether the virtual world is taking over your time and your life. This is important because we may be susceptible to using various forms of gaming as an escape during quarantine.

What’s most important is to stay aware of whether the virtual world is taking over your time and your life.

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You may have been looking for control in online gaming and now realizing it has more control over you than you do it. If you’re feeling like you’re online too often or it’s impacting your life, it’s time to take control and get the support you need to live the life you want. Therapy can help you develop a new healthy and productive relationship with online gaming. With support, it is possible to rebalance and discover a healthier relationship with online gaming.

If you’re not ready to commit to therapy or aren’t sure if your gaming is an issue, resources like Game Quitters is a great place to start. First, take their video game addiction test and then discover helpful tips that can help you quit gaming and begin to find new replacement activities.

You can lean on us and your support network for help. You’re not alone.

Your Turn: Is gaming beginning to disrupt your daily life? How have you found ways to rebalance? I’d love to hear what’s helped you in the comments below.

The majority of people struggle with creating healthy boundaries. This is true for many of my clients in individual, couples, and family therapy. People lack healthy relational boundaries within their personal and professional worlds. Why is it so difficult for people to establish healthy boundaries? As a therapist and in my own life, I’ve seen the unique impact of the current pandemic on this topic.

Examine the impact of COVID-19

In this current era of COVID-19, more and more people have discovered the need for healthy boundaries. It may be true that for the first time in our life we have a legitimate excuse for not doing things. Now you’re able to say, “Sorry mom and dad, I can’t join you for the holidays” or “Sorry, I can’t see you for drinks. I’m quarantining.” You may also find yourself saying,“ I have to sign out of work, because my children need me at home.”

Taking precautions in the name of the greater good finally gave us permission to step back.

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Social distancing for some can provide the opportunity to take a break from our usual social obligations. I often witness how many of my clients say “no” to others, but still feel guilty. The question is why did it take a pandemic for us to form healthy boundaries and become more assertive?

For many, taking precautions in the name of the greater good finally gave us permission to step back. The innate drive of self-preservation in the face of a universal danger may play a role. It’s also possible that some people are simply running out of energy. This pandemic has pushed us to our limits and we’re running on empty. People feel like they have to protect themselves not only from the virus, but from the demands of others. When we’re placed under immense pressure, it’s not uncommon to shut down in self-protection.

Explore the power of healthy boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is about being able to tell others what we want and what we expect from them.

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Setting boundaries is vital to our emotional wellbeing. Healthy boundaries help people to thrive and feel empowered in their lives. Setting healthy boundaries is about being able to tell others what we want and what we expect from them. It includes setting limits, and letting others know how we want to be treated. It’s also about knowing and communicating what we will and will not tolerate. Setting boundaries establishes what is healthy for us, and what is not. Cultivating the ability to say “No, that doesn’t work for me,” is powerful.

Reflect on the origin of your own boundaries

Why is setting healthy boundaries so difficult for some? The ability to form healthy boundaries is often rooted in our family of origin. It’s easy to follow the same patterns we experienced in childhood. These patterns may be maladaptive now, yet feel “safer” and more familiar. As adults it’s helpful to periodically examine our behavior and ask questions such as:

• Do I have firm, individual self-boundaries, and self-worth?
• Do I meet my own needs, and practice assertiveness?
• Am I quick to meet other people’s needs before my own?
• Do I feel uncomfortable and guilty when saying “no” to others?
• Do I tell white lies instead of telling the truth for the sake of “keeping the peace” or to avoid confrontation?
• Do I fear people will judge me if I’m not comforting to others’ needs?
• Do I take care of myself? Are my needs met?

It is important to stop and think about why we do what we do. Often, we copy the patterns from our family of origin. Are we quick to jump into problem solving mode which skims the surface? Perhaps we saw how our parents weren’t able to talk about underlying issues. We may have grown up with parents who didn’t ask how we felt but instead told us what to think and do. Sometimes there are cultural and societal expectations. For example, some cultures put pressure on adult children to take care of aging parents. Don’t get me wrong, children supporting aging parents is a selfless thing. However we may be crossing boundaries when a child feels responsible for their parent’s happiness and wellbeing.

For example, let’s consider well-meaning in-laws who continue to drop by unannounced to see your newborn. You feel like you barely had time to unpack your hospital bag before they arrived. Their frequent visits at all hours of the day are leaving you feeling drained and intruded upon. Let them know that you appreciate their visits, but need some time alone during this adjustment period. You’ll invite them over when you are more rested and feel ready to welcome visitors again.

Objectively, this is a reasonable boundary. Yet, you may be accused of being unkind or selfish by others for keeping the new grandchild from the loving grandparents. This pushback may lead to feelings of guilt which may cause you to abandon your healthy boundary. When negative feelings and disapproval from others is overwhelming, this is when we often abandon our boundaries. For the moment, we’ve kept the peace and gained temporary relief from feeling bad, but at our own expense.

By setting boundaries you’re in fact honoring what you need.

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Remember, by setting boundaries you’re in fact honoring what you need. It’s important to hold the tension of saying no. They may complain to you or even try to stop by again hoping you’ll change your mind. In which case, perhaps you choose not open the door or answer the telephone. Following through on healthy boundaries means honoring your needs even when others may disagree.

The bottom line for creating healthy boundaries

If something doesn’t feel good, it’s generally not good for us. In one recent session with a client, she described how she was asked to drive a friend to the airport. Since she did not have a job, she felt obliged. Now, this client is terribly afraid of driving on busy roads, but was ashamed to admit this to her friend. She reluctantly agreed with high anxiety and off they went. She ended up hitting a toll booth. Both the driver and her passenger were quite scared. Since then she has learned the benefit of saying “no,” and practices establishing healthy boundaries with others.

It can be difficult, but one way to begin to set healthy boundaries is to stop placing so much value on what other people think and feel. It’s important that we stop living our lives based on what we should do according to others. Let’s focus on self-acceptance and treat our own needs without judgment or criticism. Be brave enough to tell people how you feel and what works or doesn’t work for you. Say yes to cultivating the personal authority that is already within you. When you do this, you will be able to also say yes to the requests that align with you and say no enthusiastically to those that don’t.

Your Turn: How can you begin to set healthier boundaries? I’d love to hear how you are creating new boundaries in the comments below.

I recently spoke at a religious retreat at the Loyola House of Retreats in Morristown, New Jersey. The subject was the integration of religious belief and practice with psychological understanding. Contemporarily, the fields of religion have been considered a separate entity from psychology. Yet there is a growing awareness that this may not be an either-or scenario.

Modern psychology is not much more than a century in its formation. Sigmund Freud is usually credited with beginning the movement. Systems of orienting human beings to the great mysteries of birth, life and eventual death have always existed. Religious systems carried this task for many centuries.

But with the dawn of the scientific age, religion took a back seat to the medical model. This medical model now dominates much of the field of mental health. An early analyst, Otto Rank stated that because religions “lost the Cosmos” humankind became neurotic. As a result, we had to invent psychoanalysis to deal with this neurosis.

The quest for symptom relief in modern society’s psychology

I am primarily a Jungian by orientation and so tend to be more welcoming to a religious perspective. Carl Jung stated that his most successful patient work happened when a patient gained a religious perspective. Now he did not mean that one should run off to join an institutional system. Rather that one should seek to acquire greater existential meaning in one’s life. How this looks and feels to me differs from another’s.

Today, modern therapy often focuses on relieving symptoms, such as depression and anxiety. Medication is a part of the treatment process to assist in the reduction of symptoms. For some individuals this is a preferred and desirable approach. For others, a deeper therapeutic approach is necessary.

There may be a future of possibilities for one’s life which are not yet realized.

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Depth psychology and religion share this orientation to a large extent. Symptoms may be considered as meaningful on an existential level. There may be a teleological nature to a person’s suffering. In other words, there may be a future of possibilities for one’s life which are not yet realized.

Jiddu Krishnamurti was an early teacher of Eastern traditions to the West starting in the 1920’s. He presented a memorable thought; that it is not a sign of emotional health to be well-adjusted to a sick society. Now we can readily see the sickness in a society, such as the Nazi regime in the past century. But how adept are we at questioning the “sickness” of our own society? Are we emotionally healthy if we do our best to fit in and copy the trends of the time?

Looking for answers to emotional wellness in the medical model

The West has become rich in materialism and technology generating many benefits. Perhaps this moves people towards the unhealthy habit of always looking (often in futility) for external answers. Rather than going inward, our contemporary society promotes this approach. I sometimes counsel patients who look outside of themselves to alleviate their suffering. There is a search for the right tool or technique that will lead to perfect wellbeing.

Cultivating and defining one’s spirituality

I have never seen a medication alone solve a client’s existential problem. This issue still demands a therapeutic discussion, with grounding in some spiritual practice. Now this practice can be quite varied in approach. It could mean embracing a formal religious or spiritual practice or not.

I knew a man who traveled to India in search of a Guru who would help him solve his addiction problems. Instead of having this suffering man adopt Eastern traditions, the Guru asked a simple question. “To what spiritual tradition were you born into?” “Why I was raised in Judaism”, his reply. “Well then, my son, go back home and be a Jew!” So he did, and having met him 10 years later, Jay is a sober practicing Jew.

How adept are we at questioning the ‘sickness’ of our own society? Are we emotionally healthy if we do our best to fit in and copy the trends of the time?

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Perhaps this is an example of what set 12-step programs into motion in the first place. Analytical psychologist Carl Jung suggested to an alcoholic patient that he seek a religious conversion. As a result, AA and other forms of addiction treatment came to fruition. But at the core of this process is the exchange of the drink of a spirit with the cultivation of the spiritual. I have a personal friend who often attends open meetings because, “they feed my spirit.” She is not an alcoholic, but she admits being hungry for that which is spiritual. And Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are exactly where she gets her fill.

The interrelationship between psychology and religion is a consideration of profound importance. Volumes have been written on the subject and volumes more await. Some 2500 years ago the great pre-socratic philosophers, such as Paramenedes, cautioned against our current Western cultures’ propensity to require clean divisions among the academic disciplines. This most definitely pertains to our understanding of the roles of psychology and religion in the welfare of the human soul. Perhaps it is time to regard their warnings and open the dialog.

Your Turn: What possibilities in your life have not yet been realized? How have you cultivated your spirituality? I’d love to hear what’s helped you in the comments below.

After centuries of trauma and oppression, the impact of racism in the United States is finally being brought to light.  Racism is systemically ingrained in our society and has led to generations of race-based trauma.  While the racist activity of today is often less blatant and overt than in the past, technology has provided an outlet for both blatant and subtle racism via cybervictimization and bullying.

Cyberbullying and cybervictimization are terms that can be used interchangeably to describe acts of harm towards others online.  However, cybervictimization may also refer to the longer-lasting consequences as a result of cyberbullying, such as race-based trauma.  Cyberbullying is often mistakenly thought to be a problem exclusive to youth.  However, it occurs across all age groups, perhaps even more so in racially-motivated ways.

What is race-based trauma?

Race-based trauma is a form of complex, internal traumatic responses resulting from overt, covert, and systemic acts of racism.  Race-based trauma is chronic and tends to include experiences such as hypervigilance, fear, feeling “on-edge,” irritability, depression, trouble concentrating, and distrust.  These responses have been learned as a means of survival in a society where people of color are not treated with the same value as the majority.

Recent events have extubated traumatic experiences.  With the recent killings of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Ahmaud Arbery, Black individuals are being reminded of how unsafe society can be for them.  Oftentimes, emotional reactions are dismissed or invalidated by those in positions of privilege.  Other times, the idea of systemic racism is denied altogether.  This invalidation, known as gaslighting, adds fuel to fire of race-based trauma.

For a more in-depth look at race-based trauma and how to cope, see my previous post, 6 Ways to Cope with Race-Based Trauma.

How cyberbullying plays a part

The internet provides many outlets for overt and covert racism to occur. Overt racism includes acts such as verbal abuse, racial slurs, and acts of violence. Covert racism includes subtle acts to subvert, distort, restrict, and deny racial minorities access to societal privileges and benefits. This can include microaggressions, which by nature are difficult to detect as they include subtle messages and behaviors that highlight racist attitudes. These often involve harmful assumptions about black people or the denial of equitable opportunities.

With the veil of anonymity and sense of safety behind the screen, individuals have an easier time displaying both overt and covert racism, even in actions that are deemed socially unacceptable by today’s standards. Acts of cyberbullying can occur on an individual, group, or systemic level.

With the veil of anonymity and sense of safety behind the screen, individuals have an easier time displaying both overt and covert racism, even in actions that are deemed socially unacceptable by today’s standards.

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Common acts of race-based cybervictimization and cyberbullying include racist memes and jokes, overt abuse and racist remarks directed towards an individual of color, racist remarks directed towards an ethnicity or racial group, derogatory comments or jokes made about victims of racism (i.e. jokes about the death of George Floyd), white supremacist groups and forums, sharing inaccurate or biased information against people of color, defamation, denial of racism, censoring the voices of people of color, and invalidating expressions of pain and injustice from people of color.

Race-based cybervictimization can be isolating and disempowering. It often removes the ability to defend oneself, and the perpetrator may receive no consequence for their actions. The acts of racism may also be publicized.

The power imbalance, lack of defense, and lack of consequences of cyberbullying are as profound as the overt racism from decades prior. Research is currently underway that suggests that Black people are especially prone to race-based trauma and cybervictimization. Compared to other ethnic groups, Black people may be the most likely to experience acts of race-based cyberbullying. Black people may also experience the strongest traumatic effects due to it. Research also shows that the effects of cybervictimization can be as profound as any trauma leading to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

In general, cyberbullying can lead to serious mental health consequences. These can include:

Those who experience cyberbullying are also more likely to drop out of school or experience challenges at work.

Cyberbullying does not need to be directed at an individual.  As mentioned, it can happen on a group or systemic level as well.  Gaslighting is a major problem when dealing with these levels of cybervictimization.  For example, let’s say you come across a racist joke or meme posted by a friend on social media.  This is a form of cyberbullying and cybervictimization.  Perhaps this joke upset you, and you express your feelings about it to this person.  The person may respond with something similar to, “It was just a joke” or “you’re being too sensitive.”  This is a form of gaslighting, which further contributes to race-based trauma. This contributes to  an individual questioning their lived experience, authentic emotions, and having to manage legitimate levels of outrage out of concern about how they may be perceived.

Coping with cybervictimization

One problem that people of color, especially women, have to deal with is the idea of always having to be “strong.” Well-intentioned people may try to empower people of color by saying something like, “You’re so strong” in situations of adversity. While it may be true, it can also be exhausting to constantly live up to the idea of being a strong person. This can also be a harmful race-based trope of the “strong black woman.” While the intention is to empower the individual, it can oftentimes take away the reality and space which allows individuals to be a full human, that is allowing for moments of strength and vulnerability.

It also contributes to and plays on the fact that black women have had to be strong figures within the family unit due to direct and indirect impacts of chattel slavery, Jim Crow laws, and mass incarceration. Kind sentiments also do little to change systemic racism. It is OK to be tired of always having to be strong and it’s OK to not always be strong.

Here are some tips for coping with cybervictimization:

1. Recognize and avoid self-blame and internalization
2. Remove the harm from your environment
3. Find social support
4. Connect with empowering organizations and online communities

1. Recognize and avoid self-blame or internalization

Cybervictimization is always the fault of the perpetrator.

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When we are on the receiving end of cybervictimization, we often become more critical of ourselves. If bullying occurs on an individual-level, we may wonder if we did something to deserve it, or regret standing up for ourselves. Cybervictimization is always the fault of the perpetrator. Being aware of this practice, and stopping ourselves when we notice it, can reduce the internalization of these experiences.

3. Find social support.

Connecting with supportive friends and family is absolutely vital to well-being. It is even more important when dealing with trauma of any form.

Connecting with supportive friends and family is absolutely vital to well-being.

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Online support groups can also help. DailyStrength.org has support groups dedicated to a wide range of issues, including cyberbullying. Connecting with a counselor is also helpful.

4. Connect with empowering organizations and online communities.

There are many organizations dedicated to empowering people of color. To find an organization, see the articles 28 Organizations that Empower Black Communities, 50 WOC-led Organizations in the U.S. That We Should Support, and 11 Hispanic and Latino Organizations Everyone Should Know.

Finding a therapist

When searching for a therapist, it is important to find someone who you feel is a valuable ally. If a therapist is of a different racial or ethnic background than you, it is good to explore their stance on anti-racism. It is also OK to inquire about what they have done to fight against racism. It is important to feel comfortable with your therapist, so don’t be afraid to ask.

It’s important that you feel heard, seen, and understood in your lived experience by your therapist.

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It is also OK to request a therapist of the same racial or ethnic background as you. Being able to voice your needs means that you empower yourself in your journey to improved emotional wellbeing. After all, the relationship and rapport you have with your therapist is key to your success in therapy. It’s important that you feel heard, seen, and understood in your lived experience by your therapist. Finding the right therapist means finding an unconditional source of support and genuine connection.

The Bottom Line

You deserve to feel heard, be valued, and feel safe online. Many resources are available to combat race-based trauma and cybervictimization, and you never have to deal with the trauma alone. While technology has allowed cybervictimization to occur, it also provides avenues and opportunity to fight against it.

Your Turn: Have you experienced cyberbullying due to your race or ethnicity? How did you handle it? Share what helped you to cope in the comments below.

The current pandemic restrictions have impacted our ability to nurture our traveling mindsets. It impacts both the mindset of the traveler who seeks the adrenaline rush of facing the unknown as well as the individual who is looking for solace and a quiet release from the tensions of daily life.

The proverbial question, whether in therapy or not, remains “To what end”? Travel limitations can serve as a very real form of psychological prison whether an individual is escaping the ordinary either towards an adventure or away from a reality. We also may consider any psychological conditions that a person may already be experiencing. A person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) will very likely react to the same circumstances in a different manner than a person who is feeling depressed. When traveling is permitted, it may be now a source of tension as we attempt to navigate what feels safe.

Learn how travel restrictions may impact our mental health, and what we can do about it.

Discover what attracts you to traveling

My partner and I are both psychotherapists who have engaged in a great deal of travel. The first question to consider is what kind of travel primarily attracts you. Is it a week on a Carribean beach or high adventure? Perhaps something in between? For the two of us, adventure generally wins.

Focus on the good news

The good news is that while facing travel restrictions, not everything needs to be virtual. You can still travel and explore, you just may need to look in new places.

You can still travel and explore, you just may need to look in new places.
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Currently New York State parks are open for hiking, biking, and camping. More and more destinations are open, with the necessary precautions of course.

Plan for future travel

You can use this time to enhance your travel skill sets, explore your curiosity, and develop your traveling desires through online courses. Plan your travel itinerary so you’ll be ready once things open up. It may be helpful to consider that despite the current restrictions, these times of less travel can also serve as a vessel for reflection, contemplation, and future planning.

Practice being open-minded

If you are able to be open-minded, prepare to be surprised. Some regular travelers have discovered the wonders that they would have missed had they not had the opportunity to change course in their thinking.

If you are able to be open-minded, prepare to be surprised.
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Some are even using this time as a form of Sabbatical from the usual demands of their life. Others are in the process of making major changes as they have used this time for reflection to align themselves more with the life that they want to live. See what options you have in your thinking and work from this orientation.

Find adventures in your own backyard

Our clients who usually “fly away” to different countries have discovered adventures in their own backyard – the camping trips, bonfires, outdoor cooking, and observing nature with its true colors. For the first time in our experiences with clients, they have talked about bird watching, sunsets they observed, walks, and hikes. They have discovered the Adirondacks and the Catskills for the first time. Become aware of nature and the possibilities. Rent a car or take your bike out of storage.

Ask yourself to reflect and be present

Ask yourself – why do you travel? Is it to escape, and if so, from what, from whom, from ourselves? If the answer is yes, we need to look into our lives and figure out why we aren’t able to find an adventure in our own backyard. Do we stay present? Do we notice what is around us? Are we paying enough attention to our surroundings? The bottom line is “wherever you go, here you are..” and it is up to us to make our life happen.

Create the possibilities

We both are travel addicts and we travel at least two times a year to exciting destinations. Remember that “small” and seemingly “not important” trips can become the highlight of the season. This summer, we went camping under the stars with our dog, which was a great experience. If not for the limitations of international travel, we would not have discovered this adventure.

There is a life out there if we want to create it, but possibly, it takes more effort to create magic.
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It’s true that we did skip restaurants and bars but we experimented with fine home cuisine and drinks outside, picnic style. There is a life out there if we want to create it, but possibly, it takes more effort to create magic.

The bottom line of traveling

We can remind ourselves that there’s plenty of opportunities to experience life, even though it feels restricted lately. There is power in finding gratitude for being alive. This will pass and we should all be checking in with ourselves moment-by-moment to make sure we are getting our needs met.

Your Turn: How will you remind yourself that there are still limitless possibilities for adventures amidst travel restrictions? Share what helps you cope in the comments below.

Oftentimes, couples avoid talking about the two subjects that are crucial to their wellbeing: money and sex.  It may come as a surprise to you that as a couples therapist, I actually hear more about instances around financial infidelity than affairs in the traditional sense. While the term financial infidelity may be relatively new, the concept itself is a notoriously common issue in relationships.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity happens when one or both partners aren’t honest about their financial situation or actively hide their financial issues. This may look like making financial decisions in secrecy or not being fully transparent about how much one is spending. For some couples this can also look like hiding income, not being forthcoming about debts and large financial obligations or keeping another bank account that’s unknown to their partner.

For some, spending money without their partner’s knowledge feels like freedom and one’s right. There are some partners who don’t see anything wrong with this behavior, and it doesn’t affect the couple negatively. Often however, this comes from a place of partners wanting to avoid arguments about spending. This is especially true in the case of someone who is compulsively shopping, gambling, or otherwise spending money in a way that feels out of control.

How to Recover from financial infidelity

These behavior patterns can be upsetting to face, so what are some steps that you can take if this sounds like you or your partner? First of all, recognize that it’s quite common that someone who is more frugal attracts someone who is a spender, and vice versa. It’s human nature to  seek out what initially feels novel and fills the voids we see in ourselves.

6 practical ways you can address financial infidelity in your relationship:

1. Acknowledge what’s been compromised
2. Be honest and come clean
3. Understand your value system
4. Examine your relationship
5. Listen without judgement
6. Strive for transparency

1. Acknowledge what’s been compromised

The partner who felt cheated is going to be upset, angry, and disappointed. Just like with an instance of true infidelity, partners may experience feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, and may even want to leave the relationship. Afterall, trust and safety were compromised. 

The unspoken message, “Are you here for me?” fails to be answered positively. The reasons why we wanted to be in the relationship in the first place are broken. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are valid and that the relationship is now different from what you once knew.

2. Be honest and come clean

For some, this might be the first time that partners examine how much they want to be together, and ultimately if they want to stay together after the betrayal, similar to an affair. First, the partners have to honestly assess their financial situation and what needs to change. Both parties have to come clean. If you’re going to recover, it’s important to understand why the financial infidelity happened in the first place.

What was the motive for the behavior, and is the secretive partner willing to work on it? Was it a gambling issue that the partner is in denial about? If the offending partner displays a willingness to address the issue there’s a greater chance for successful resolution.

3. Understand your own value system around finances

What is your relationship to money and how was this influenced by your upbringing? What were the messages that you absorbed growing up about spending and how finances should be handled in relationships? Couples need to gain a clear understanding of their own values system and beliefs about finances. There is a very important psychological aspect as to why and how we spend money, and our relationship with money.

4. Examine your relationship

A critical underlying question is: what is “wrong” with the relationship itself, and what is missing in the relationship? Perhaps we are substituting the love that we need from the partner with purchases. Sometimes, the good feeling we get from spending may be one way to meet our needs that aren’t getting met in our relationship. One of my clients shared that she would spend money in secrecy after her fights with her husband. When upset, she wanted to get back at him by purchasing an expensive item. For a brief moment, she felt validated and “happy” because she  made the purchase. Through therapy she learned that by doing this she was in fact attempting to “punish” her husband. Although the shopping helped to temporarily validate her anger, it wasn’t a solution that she could feel good about long-term.

5. Listen without judgement

As difficult as it may be, allow room for open and vulnerable conversations. Be curious and listen to what your partner might need. Listen but do your best to refrain from responding with judgement. This will just cause your partner to become defensive about their behavior.

Talk about it and let your partner know why you think and feel the way you do, and how their behavior affects you. Couples I work with who have healthy and long-lasting relationships are the ones who can have open and vulnerable conversations where they feel heard, respected, and supported by each other.

6. Strive for transparency

Both partners have to commit to being fully transparent which includes being involved in budgeting and working towards a recovery plan. Open communication is the key to resolving many conflicts overall and financial issues are no different. It’s important to lay out a plan that is realistic for you as a couple and proportionate to the financial infidelity that occurred.

The bottom line

It is possible to recover from financial infidelity when both partners are willing to work together to find a solution that supports healing. What feels right for each couple will look different, and it’s important to remember that the road towards healing isn’t always a linear journey. You don’t have to struggle alone. Receiving support from a trusted therapist can help you understand if and how you can move forward after experiencing financial infidelity in your relationship.

Your Turn: Have you ever experienced or been the perpetrator of financial infidelity? How did you decide to work through it with your partner? What helped you cope? 

Learning how to effectively communicate with adolescents can be challenging, even for the most seasoned and skilled parents. Now more than ever, parents may find themselves wanting to check in with their teens about what’s going on in the world, and how they’re being affected.

What’s the right thing to say? How can parents know if something is wrong and their teens need more support when they won’t open up?

As a Licensed Psychotherapist who works with family and adolescents, I’ve witnessed the frustration first-hand when both parties are trying to communicate but keep getting stuck because they’re talking at each other, not to each other. However, it’s possible for parents to free themselves from these unproductive communication patterns that take root in families.

I’d like to share six practical tips that are helpful in building more positive and consistent communication.

6 Tips to Improve Communication with Your Teen

1. Take the Pressure Off
2. Validate Their Inner Experience
3. Empathize, Especially on the Small Stuff
4. Take Time Outs When Needed
5. Model Appropriate Communication and Emotion Sharing
6. Provide Autonomy

1. Take the Pressure Off

At times, it may seem like your teen loves to be the center of attention. This is usually not the case when it comes to talking about feelings with mom and dad. If candid conversations about feelings are uncommon in your household, teens may be more likely to shut down or close off when approached. They may feel under scrutiny, unsure of how to respond, or what emotions will be accepted. Some may even be fearful of getting in trouble for saying the wrong thing.

There is always room for side conversation, and this may be a non-threatening opportunity to have a heart-to-heart with your teen.

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To remove some of this perceived pressure, try engaging in neutral activities with your teens before initiating the conversations. For example, playing games. This is something light hearted and typically the players’ attention is focused on the game at hand. However, there is always side conversation, and this may be a non-threatening opportunity to have a heart-to-heart with your teen.

They likely won’t feel the same pressure as they have something to look at and focus on; it can feel like just another topic of conversation, opposed to a more formal sit-down discussion that has the potential to feel like an interrogation. Besides playing games, you can try cooking, baking, going for a walk, anything that you and your teen enjoy doing together.

2. Validate Their Inner Experience

Validation does not mean blindly agreeing with everything your teen says. Validating is the act of reflecting back to another person that you hear and recognize their thoughts and feelings. For most people, validation doesn’t come naturally to us.

Our tendency as humans is to jump into problem solving mode or reassure the other person that things will be okay.

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Our tendency as humans is to jump into problem solving mode or reassure the other person that things will be okay. After all, we don’t like to see our loved ones struggle or suffer. However, responding in these ways can oftentimes feel dismissive, and make us feel like we’re not truly being heard. This can be especially true for our teens who may already struggle to express their inner experiences as they grapple with challenges for the first time.

For example, if your teen is expressing to you that they’re sad over a breakup, or worried about a difficult exam coming up, start with validating their feelings by saying something like “That does sound difficult” or “I understand why this would make you feel sad.”

Of course, we may eventually get to the problem solving – and that’s great. But remember not to skip the step of validating first. This helps teens feel heard and makes them more likely to open up about feelings again in the future if they know you’re truly willing to lend an ear.

3. Empathize, Especially the Small Stuff

Empathy goes hand in-hand with validation. To empathize with your teen is to try to truly understand their feelings from their unique perspective. At times, this can be difficult. When you’re working a full time job, managing a household, and dealing with countless other life stressors, your teen’s problems may seem superficial by comparison. Resist judging your teens experiences and emotions.

Instead, challenge this thinking, and remember that although an issue may seem insignificant to you – it IS quite significant to them! Try to put yourself in their shoes and try to remember when you were their age and how similar issues likely felt like the end of the world. Empathizing with your teens (or with anyone for that matter) makes them feel heard and understood, and oftentimes will make them much more likely to confide in you about more significant problems when it really counts.

By controlling our response and approaching the situation in a calm manner, we’re less likely to miss out on meaningful conversations.

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4. Take Time Outs When Needed

If your teen does something which causes you to feel upset or angry, it’s natural to want to react in the moment. However, by controlling our response and approaching the situation in a calm manner, we’re less likely to miss out on meaningful conversations. This is a lot easier said than done of course, so when this happens, try to count to ten or take some deep breaths. If that isn’t enough, table the conversations for later and take a break!

Not only will this improve your communication with your teen, but it models good communication skills for them to use with others. When we react in the moment we may be reacting strictly from our emotions, without time to process the issue logically. When we do this, we’re also less likely to get our point across in a way that will be heard. Yelling at your teen may cause them to become defensive, shut down, and not hear us. If you’re used to communicating this way and haven’t gotten the results you’re expecting, try something new.

Having important conversations when we are calm builds understanding and fosters cooperation instead of resentment, while encouraging a dialogue that’s two-sided.

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You can set rules, guidelines, and appropriate punishments for your household while sharing the reasons for these rules. Having these important conversations when the family is calm builds understanding and fosters cooperation instead of resentment, while encouraging a dialogue that’s two-sided. This also has potential to create a stronger relationship between parents and their children where both parties feel more able to open up and share.

5. Model Appropriate Communication and Emotion Sharing

It’s OK to be vulnerable with your kids. If they see you admit that things are impacting you and you are experiencing some negative emotions, they may feel more comfortable doing the same. Oftentimes, if we’ve learned from a young age that we shouldn’t express negative emotions, or only our positive emotions are valid, we unconsciously stuff all negative feelings deep within ourselves. This can make identifying our feelings or even honoring our own experiences difficult as adults.

Of course this doesn’t mean that we want to bombard our kids with our feelings and lean on them for support. However we should try to share and open up a reciprocal relationship. This can look something like sitting at the dinner table and sharing “that news article really made me sad today” or “it’s been difficult watching all of these stories in the media.” Not only does this show the rest of the family that it’s ok to discuss our feelings, it can open up a dialogue about how these events are impacting them as well.

6. Provide Autonomy

If your teen doesn’t want to talk to you about these things, remind yourself that it is both normal and OK. It does not mean you are a bad parent or have a bad relationship. Think of your teenage years, how much did you really want to share with your mom and dad? We can use all of the right tools and tricks, but if they’re not ready for an open conversation, we shouldn’t force it.

Continue to remind your teen that when they are ready, you’re here to listen.

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Continue to remind your teen that when they are ready, you’re here to listen to them. If your efforts to engage your teen in these conversations continue to fall on deaf ears, that’s okay. In this case, you can provide them the freedom to speak with someone else.

Encourage them to reach out to a trusted loved one, perhaps an aunt or uncle, and assure them that this can be a safe space and what they say will not be relayed back to the family. Alternatively, provide them some resources for support, for example, the opportunity to meet with a trusted school guidance counselor or with a therapist.

As difficult as it may be, try not to take their silence personally or force a discussion if things feel strained. Empower your child to feel supported in the way that meets their needs.

The Bottom Line on Communication

In an age where our teens prefer communicating through Snapchat and TikTok dances than around the dinner table, trying to have meaningful conversations and encouraging consistent communication can be increasingly difficult. These six tips are the first steps towards trying to create a more open environment within your home for these more heavy conversations to be had.

Remember to be patient with yourself and with your teens! There is no one-size-fits-all model for parenting.

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Remember to be patient with yourself and with your teens! There is no one-size-fits-all model for parenting. Continue to take the temperature on how your communication with your teen is going and adjust if changes need to be made.

Even communicating with your teens about your communication patterns can be useful. Ask them how they would prefer to have these conversations, and give it a try. The best we can do is be there for our teens and let them know that when they are ready to talk, we’re ready to lend an ear.

Your Turn: What have been your successful moments? I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.